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Baby Shower Etiquette
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So today my pastor’s wife informed me that the church is planning on having a baby shower for me. I am almost 38 weeks pregnant with my FIFTH girl. And I thanked her, but tried to kindly let her know that I really don’t need a baby shower. But she said, “Oh, we’re planning on having one!”
At this point, we have EVERYTHING!!!! we could possibly need for this little one. We cloth diaper, we needed some pricier items (mattress and infant carrier) that were just too used from previous kiddos, but we already got them in the past few weeks, I needed a few warm sleepers, but aquired those too. And while I appreciate the thought, I’m much more of a planner and probably would have been more open to the idea if they’d planned it for before the baby was born (before school started, before I got everything I needed, before I was completely exhausted from having a newborn). I LOVE baby showers, I love hosting them, I love planning them, I love them being held for me, but I’m really looking for a way to politely decline this one.
I think it’s nice that they want to throw a shower for us, but sitting in a room full of people 2 or even 4 weeks after having a baby, at the beginning of cold and flu season just isn’t my idea of being “blessed”. Is there some way to insist that I’m content without having one?
I wonder if you could just ask for food instead? Maybe freezer ready?
Turn it into a drop off instead of a big shower? Not sure how to approach it though!
Good Luck! And blessings on your 5th girl!! 🙂
I had a similar thing happen to me when I had my 3rd. I asked if we could make it fill my freezer party. 🙂 My friends came over and we made 28 freezer meals. Best idea ever!
Freezer meals would have been nice except not knowing that they wanted to do anything, I’ve been making recipes times 4 and filling my own freezer – we also eat mostly whole foods, and from the looks of our potluck suppers, I’m pretty sure we’re the only ones that do. 🙂
@ Rebekahy: I do not mean to hijack this thread but how do you make freezer meals with whole foods? We are moving toward becoming vegans, do tell!
Perhaps ask for gifts that can be dontated to a hosptial or women’s shelter. As an alternate, ask for a book baby shower and have each person give their favorite children’s book (picture or chapter).
Hi Rebekahy. I had the same situation during my first pregnancy two years ago. My friends wanted to throw a baby shower for me in a restaurant. I was a having a hard time convincing them not to pursue having one, but they also insisted. The day before the baby shower, I just told my closest friends that we would have a movie marathon with pizza :)! I like the company of my friends. Or, maybe you could have yoga sessions, a more relaxed and calmer activity. I hoped these help :)!
Anyway, congratulations on your fifth baby
!So, it seems like the consensus is that I have to have a shower, but could offer direction about helpful gifts? Is there an appropriate time range for having a baby shower after a baby is born… say, could I get away with putting it off for 3 months? I’m REALLY, REALLY not a fan of after baby is born baby showers, unless the mother chose not to know the sex of the baby.
Ugh, I wish (and will pray) that I can change my attitude about this. I’ve been enjoying this pregnancy – it’s been one of my easiest and most energetic! and now I feel like I have a cloud of obligation hanging over me when I just want to be able to stay home and enjoy a peaceful time that I’ve been trying to diligently prepare for.
Cheryl – my recipes all include meat and/or dairy – sorry! I can’t even think of anything that wouldn’t (at least not that my family would eat – maybe some veggie soups?) Lots of stir fry veggies can just be cut up and put in a freezer bag and then put right into the pan frozen. Check out Once a Month Mom – she might have vegetarian recipes.
I am pg with my 5th and terrified someone will want to throw me a baby shower. I’ve had one for each of my previous pregnancies! I’m too much of a chicken to turn them down when they offer and I don’t want to seem rude. I was surprised at my last one at how many items I got that we actually needed. I was able to replace many worn out items with newer ones…like the baby towels that had holes in them.
I also got quite a few packages of diapers, and while we also use cloth, my DD stayed in the hospital longer than expected and I was glad to have them. By the time we finally got home, I was totally exhausted and behind on regular laundry! I guess my advice would be to make the most of it…I often find things I totally dread end up being okay or even fun in the end.
I know how you feel about right after having a baby. I have a rule, that I set in place with my first, that I don’t tend to go anywhere for six weeks after having a baby. This has upset some family members, but truthfully, I am such a homebody, that the idea of getting in and driving somewhere in that time is so discomforting for me. I welcome guests into my own home, and go for lots of walks and such to get outside, but I just really enjoy that peaceful quiet period. I would be so touched if someone wanted to throw me a shower though. I had one with my first, and family members didn’t think we made enough money to have a second, so really no one was pleased we were expecting again and so we barely even had the pregnancy acknowledged by some. Then, with our third, people just couldn’t fathom WHY we would have another. We got our girl, got our boy, why on earth would we have more? So we would be delighted to have a baby celebrated in that way!
I hope that you find a way that you would enjoy yourself and congratulations on your baby! What a blessing they are!
Rachel
I would tell my friends openly and honestly that I don’t need anything new and that everything is ready for new baby to arrive, that adding to what you already have would create stress for you because you wouldn’t be able to make good use of everything, and that you really don’t want the fuss of having to return gifts after a shower but would rather keep the baby at home, where she belongs. If they are still insistent upon doing something for you, tell them you’d like a gift card shower BEFORE the baby arrives. Tell them what your favorite places are to shop and ask for gift cards (or just Visa gift cards) so that you will be free to buy whatever items would most help your family out.
That eliminates the awkwardness of refusing a shower, but is practical in that it gives you complete control over what you’re given (rather than being given a new car seat you don’t need or a bunch of sleeper gowns that your baby will outgrow in three months!).
I think it’s wonderful that your friends are wanting to celebrate the arrival of your fifth! I had a fantastic baby shower with my first baby, but then our church did NOTHING for me when my second (and first dd) was born. We could have used a shower since we needed girl things instead of boy things! And most people don’t see the third, fourth, or fifth babies as something to celebrate, but assume you already have the mom thing down and probably don’t want/need anything. I think all babies should be celebrated, whether it’s the first one or the tenth one! Embrace their show of excitement and support, but rein it in so that you receive exactly what’s practical for you and your family–and BEFORE the new baby arrives!
I wouldn’t feel bad about very graciously declining. I don’t know your pastor’s wife, but she may be thinking that you’re just being polite by declining so as not to bother her…and it could maybe even be a relief to her if you decline? I don’t know:) Honestly, it’s very sweet of her to offer, but it’s pretty late in the game and is supposed to be a blessing for you. If it’s causing stress that’s not good. I would very, very sincerely tell her how much you appreciate the thought and it means a lot, but that it’s stressful for you to go out after the baby’s born and you truly don’t need anything. If she still keeps insisting, I would suggest it be before the baby comes….maybe a simple open house shower? My sister had one of those….just cake and nuts and people come as they wished and left when they wanted, no games or anything. She opened gifts and sent thank-you’s later.
I hope you find a peaceful answer soon:) Blessings, Gina
HollyS – you’re funny! I love that you use the word “terrified!” My husband suggested diapers which even though we use cloth, it IS helpful to have disposables for the church nursery or even just being out and about – I’m not so die=hard that I refuse to use them.
And for all the girls that suggested having the shower before the baby is born – I would have LOVED that, but it seems our church as a rule waits til after the baby is born, which I personally don’t like, but apparently someone thinks it’s a good idea. (And, I’m 38 weeks, so the reality of it happening before the baby is born just isn’t going to happen.)
Lindsey – I agree with you that every baby should be celebrated! Freezer meal showers or diaper showers would be great for those moms that are on their 6 or 7th baby, but sheesh – if you’re going to do it, I think you’d mention it before the woman was in labor!
But I kind of feel like they are doing this shower out of church policy (our church policy is the first baby boy and first baby girl to be born to a family after attending our church gets a shower – so by policy you would have gotten a shower for both your kids) – this is our first baby at this church, so even though she’s our fifth girl, she’s the first baby girl we’ve had since beginning attendance there. And I wish that it were my “friends” throwing the shower, as I’m sure I could tell them exactly what my wishes are, but it really is just women from the church that are kind and loving – as opposed to women that I am super close to. There’s another girl that’s due the day after me, she has three boys and I’m REALLY hoping she has a girl and then I can just tell them to throw a big shower for her and not worry about me (otherwise – she just had a shower for baby boy #3 about 18 months ago).I guess I’ll just plan on putting the baby in my MOBY wrap and pray she sleeps the whole time to avoid my germophobia!
It’s so funny how times have changed. It used to be that new moms were only given a shower for their very first baby and none after that. Or maybe if later babies were different gender than what was already in the family- say the mom has 2 girls and is now having a boy. But whatever happened to green and yellow? I guess they are not acceptable baby colors anymore! LOL
I like the idea of donating items. I would ask that they wait to give you a shower until the baby is 3 months old, or you could just turn it into a donation drive for a local women’s and children’s shelter or pregnancy crisis center. If everyone understands that you honestly don’t need a thing, who would be upset about your desire to share the wealth with those less fortunate?
Whatever you decide to do, good luck! And congratulations on your baby girl!
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I also got quite a few packages of diapers, and while we also use cloth, my DD stayed in the hospital longer than expected and I was glad to have them. By the time we finally got home, I was totally exhausted and behind on regular laundry! 
But I kind of feel like they are doing this shower out of church policy (our church policy is the first baby boy and first baby girl to be born to a family after attending our church gets a shower – so by policy you would have gotten a shower for both your kids) – this is our first baby at this church, so even though she’s our fifth girl, she’s the first baby girl we’ve had since beginning attendance there. And I wish that it were my “friends” throwing the shower, as I’m sure I could tell them exactly what my wishes are, but it really is just women from the church that are kind and loving – as opposed to women that I am super close to. There’s another girl that’s due the day after me, she has three boys and I’m REALLY hoping she has a girl and then I can just tell them to throw a big shower for her and not worry about me (otherwise – she just had a shower for baby boy #3 about 18 months ago).
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