Are we all too busy for one another?

Before kids I was infamous for setting up “supper clubs” with other women friends.  We would meet weekly (taking turns to host at our homes) and each bring a dish for dinner while sharing time together and conquering life’s problems as a group.  These worked fabulously, as long as the group of women was small (maybe 5 or so) and no one was added unless everyone agreed.  Usually the best dynamic was the original group.  I left a few of these I started when others joined and the vibe changed for me.  Still, I found them wildly wonderful for that season of my life. 

Later, when the kids were born, and we were in a small-ish town we did all the sorts of “mommy/kid” things that created, rather organically, little groups.  We did library time and music classes that morphed to park days and then eventually to something we called a “women’s circle”.  This stage was a very intense season for us all – small children, budding careers, house purchases, etc. etc.  These were an attempt at the “supper club” described above, but for us moms who had these different needs and concerns.  These too worked very well and lasted for years.

When we moved to the country, where space literally separated everyone and life was oddly simpler but more work (?), I started another group, which I called “fun night!”  This consisted of a few mom’s and their children gathering weekly for a pot luck style supper (again rotating the hosting duties) and play for all the children plus lots of time for us mom’s to engage and commune too.  This works best if there are only 4 or 5 moms in them.  The last one I started lasted 6 years!!  The kids actually grew up together and anticipation of this night each week by the children was amazing.  The Dad’s would use the night to do something they loved (hobby, etc.) or to hide from all the wildness!  It was great fun. 

I know you are thinking that these “fun nights” were total chaos … yes, sometimes they were!  Lots of children.  Lots of serious play.  Don’t do this is you are at all OCD about your house/things!  But we grew to love one another very much and mothered together through thick and thin.  That was what the group did for us.  If one mom was at wits end she could grab whatever she had to offer and join up with her dear friends for comfort and counsel.  I’ll never forget the night I burst in the door with nothing but salad fixings and started to cry my eyes out because I’d accidently almost broken the chicken’s leg getting her in the coop for the night!!  Now it seems funny …. at the time it was indicative of me being too stressed and it pouring out over something fairly benign.  That’s how it rolled.  Lots of times we’d sneak in and say “huddle up” which meant the moms had to present a united front to the children because one mom was working on some character training and needed help! 

We moved to New Orleans last year and now find much of what you all are describing in your posts here.  People are very busy or they have lived here a long time and have deep family and friend connections that don’t allow for a rouge newbie.  I completely understand that position too.  Makes sense to me. It’s just unusual to me to be in a city a whole year and not be more connected on a meaningful level. Of course we’re doing all sorts of things, involved in a few groups, a few activities – the norm homeschooling lifestyle.

It’s nice in some ways.  I think our family unit is very tight and even more bonded through this experience.  We rely on one another more.  We have to be on our best with one another as well.  In those ways it’s been quite lovely. 

Recently I’ve been thinking of starting a small group here, but the fear of rejection (too busy, too busy, too busy) and the fear of choosing the wrong members has lead me to hesistate.  Having older kids now too makes me stop and think a bit more.  I don’t know.  Maybe it will materialize.  I’m not pushing it and I’m giving myself room to really think it through.  It is essential to choose the right folks to join such small groups.  Not that they need to be cookie cutter in any way, but there has to be chemistry and coherence of some sort or it can be really weird. 

I want to say that these types of groups I have described work best when everyone is very committed and makes them a priority in their lives.  It does not work to “drop in and out” of one of these types of groups.  Each time I started one I was sure to make certain that the invited person had the same need in their life and wanted to be a part of such a group.  I was pretty serious about that “rule” because it was so important to the group dynamic and evolution.

MY .02?

START SOMETHING; BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD. 

Thanks for the invitation, Rebekahy! *L*

I love what was said about keeping your hands busy and visiting. When my babies were little, those were the people I didn’t get nervous about coming to my house!

I’ve enjoyed reading all the ideas – you all have some great ones!