Anger and habit training question

So I’m excited to finally start using the Laying Down the Rails this coming school year! I was looking through it last night and trying to think of the ones I think would most benefit my family to work on first. What I actually think is of primary importance right now for us is working on some kind of better way of expressing anger. I’m not really sure if there is a capital H Habit that fits into, but it led me to a few thoughts and a few questions…

As I’ve been reading about habit training, a lot of it seems really proactive – you discuss it, discuss what the correct behavior should be, so that when the moment arises, you don’t have to come up with what to do right then in the heat of the moment, or resort to nagging. The difference between yelling at Joe to “for the millionth time, pick up your shoes!” or mentioning “did you forget something?” And he knows what you’re talking about because you’ve already discussed it, and he can start on the path of doing it himself. Anyways, I’m wondering if the same thing can work for having an appropriate anger response? The “Stop fighting!!!” approach hasn’t really worked 🙂 As I’m writing this it kind of seems like an obvious thing to do, to discuss what to do ahead of time and then work together to remember to do it, but I know my parents never sat me down and told me the right way to express my anger, more of just the “don’t hit your sister!” Or “stop fighting or you’re grounded!”. Reactionary, rather than proactive, which is how I am now…

So then if you are going to be proactive and discuss the appropriate way to handle anger before it hits you, what are ways or strategies you have used in your families to diffuse that anger, redirect it, etc. I was talking about this with my sister tonight at dinner, and we mentioned how on Daniel Tiger, he says to stomp when you get angry, which I don’t really care for.  My sister said she tries to talk it out with her kids, have them talk about why they feel angry. But I’m different because the last thing I want to do when I’m angry is talk. I want to cool down alone, and then maybe talk if I need to clear the air.

I’m just curious what others do?  Both of my kids are very different from me and from each other so it would be nice to have a “toolbox” of sorts of strategies to try.

So sorry about the super long post but I’m just wondering if anyone else has worked on having a more appropriate anger response in a way like habit training? And I am also curious how you handle those inevitable fights that break out, or unkind words, or angry outbursts – have you discussed how to handle those situations before they happen and what is your family’s strategy? Thank you! 🙂