9 YO wants to debate everything

I would go through the book “Conversations with Character” with her. There is a part two for high school.

If she does start to argue or if you are feeling angry,  then end the conversation and discuss it later.  I have made my biggest parenting mistakes when I argue with my child.

These are my suggestions from personal experience. Firstly, there is no debating with a 9 yr. old. She’s even too young to have reached the level of brain development for more critical thinking abilities.

Much of what you described is that she just doesn’t want to do certain things, so she distracts you with irrelevant questioning. Now, if she has a better, more efficient way of doing what you want, or truly wants to know the reasons, then ya’ll can have a discussion, at your convenience, AFTER what was asked is done. And her questioning what you do or what dad does is not her place, IMO (obviously, unless it’s immoral, which isn’t an issue here).

It takes two to argue and what you’re actually teaching her is to be disrespectful of your G-d-given authority. It’s not immoral what you’re asking, she just doesn’t want to submit to reasonable requests. She’s a child and needs to be reminded of that fact. She isn’t DUE an explanation, but you will be happy to discuss, and take into consideration, better ways of doing something (not arguing to befuddle in order to get out of it, which was your first example). But you are the final decision maker even after that discussion.

Remember, you don’t need her approval or agreement. You are generously taking her thoughts into consideration, that’s all, as she may have some good ideas.

As for comments about neighbors and their property. I would just frankly say “it’s none of your business now (when it’s completely out-of-line) nor when you’re an adult to judge how someone else uses their earned property (i.e.money)” and that you’re not going to discuss it. If she pushes it, remind her of the Bible verses having to do with nosiness. Being nosy is a great distraction from you’re own personal responsibility.

I was raised with a great respect for minding my own “beeswax” as my mom used to say.

As for details of things, much of that is laziness of mind. As Dr. Ben Carson said of his mom (and mine used to say it , too) “You have a brain, use it”. I tell my children that they can’t use my memory and my education, too because it’s easier for them. At her age, you don’t need to do the thinking for both of you; it’s not good for either of you. They need to develop critical thinking skills and common sense, which only comes through practice. You can ask her questions back, like: what do you think? why do you think that? or “go figure it out”. My mom rarely answered these types of questions for us. We either figured it out or moved on.

As for the riding lessons, I would talk to the instructor that you are working on her respect for authority and not to indulge her in any way regarding these statements (your dd doesn’t know she must learn A before moving to B and in her immaturity, she can be disrespectful). She shouldn’t even give her a qualification beyond the basic, you must learn “this” before “that” and then leave it. If your dd still pushes, I think it’d be instructive to have as a natural consequence an early ending to a lesson, as a result of your dd’s unwillingness to be respectful and concentrate on learning that day’s lesson. It would only take a couple of these early endings to get the point across if you and the instructor are supportive of one another.

If you don’t get some of this under control, this will bleed into other subjects that require slow, progressive, and incremental training and lead to irresponsible decisions, and continuing disrespect for the authority that knows better than she does.

I wouldn’t hesitate to tell her that you and the horse-teacher actually KNOW BETTER than she does. Appropriate phrases in these types of situations would apply:

get off your high-horse

getting too big for your britches

you’re going to come down a notch or two

She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know and to be humble and a person willing to learn from others, she must be put in her place, so-to-speak. Being treated with respect and as a person, doesn’t mean to treat her as an adult. It’s impossible. G-d gave her parents for a reason and I suggest, stop letting her place herself as an equal to you, or any other teacher you’ve given authority over her, because she’s not.

Lastly, in regards to the food issue. Question: does she thank you for making the food first then make a suggestion for a future way of making it next time? I would tell her that I don’t consider personal requests until and unless there is a show of thankfulness and appreciation for the effort and food put before her already.

Also, including her in the process to fulfill her request (after the prerequisite is met) would be reasonable. Things just don’t happen out of thin air and as I tell me children frequently”the world doesn’t revolve around you”.

All of these things will continue to worsen and become more obnoxious as she gets older, so the sooner you nip some in the bud, and redirect others, the better. You may be expecting her to act too much like an adult. Honor, respect for authority, humility in her position as a child, willingness to learn from others, and appreciation need to come first before the conversation can be expected. There’s a reason my the more extreme position of “children should be seen and not heard” has it merits in the realities of maturity development. Children should listen more than talk when it comes to adults and adult matters.

May I recommend John Rosemond materials for you.

Life is a much harsher teacher if she doesn’t learn these things at home. The strong will is a great thing when harnessed and channeled in a G-dly manner; but it is a ruinous master if not.