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Your children's friends
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My son has a friend who goes to AWANA with him. My son’s friend and his friend’s brother are both homeschooled too. My son is 8. The other two boys are 7 and 4. We have had several playdates with this friend and I am not sure that it is working out very well. My son is very hyper to begin with and I have to keep a close watch on him to make sure he is behaving. The friend’s mom is more lenient with her children.
We had the kids at a bookstore the other day. My son was being too loud in the children’s area so I put my son in timeout. The 4 yr old kept talking to my son despite my telling my son to be quiet in timeout. The other mother didn’t do much to discourage her 4 yr old from talking to my son during timeout. Not long afterwards, the 4 yr old ran off. My son came and told the other mother her son had run off. We all started looking for him and had to notify the store manager who did Code Adam. Finally, the 4 yr old appeared and said he was playing hide and seek (we were going through the children’s area and store shouting his name). His mother was upset and told him not to do that. The 4 yr old was upset but the mother kept telling him he wasn’t in trouble.
I am not trying to mind someone else’s business, but I am seriously thinking my son shouldn’t play with these kids. These kids aren’t very respectful and I just can’t imagine not disciplining my son for pulling something like the 4 yr old did. I also think my son’s behavior around this other child isn’t what I expect or demand from him.
Am I wrong?
No you are not “wrong” but also you will never find a family that parents the same way you do, or has the same expectations for their kids as you do 🙂 If it is causing too much trouble, you don’t have to spend time with them, but I would suggest planning get together at places where the kids can have fun playing such as a park. Someplace where they are expected to be a bit loud 🙂 I would not expect my kids to get together with their friends at young age at a book store. They love books but love them a bit too much at times, LOL.
I have two very good friends, we all parent differently, BUT we also respect each others choices. When the 4-year old was talking to your son while he was in time out, I would have simply told him he needed to go back to his mom because my son needs some time alone. If he persisted I would persist, telling/asking him to please go find his mom. I have no problem “parenting” my friends kids a bit 😉 and they do the same for me 🙂 I have even asked my friend to take their little one away from my child because my child is in trouble or upset about something and they have done the same to me.
As for him getting lost, that is hard because while in my mind I would have disciplined my lost child if he walked away, I can’t say because I haven’t been there. I have walked to a new area/isle and my child did not notice me moving on and have lost my kids that way a couple of times, but so far have not had them hide, so I don’t know what I would do. Unless you really know her it is hard to “judge” her response. Hard to know why she responded in that way. My very good friend lost her little boy (he was 4) in a big department store, it was so scary, he had walked away, they found him 15 minutes later after locking down the store. By that point she was too upset and he was upset it was not the time or place for discipline. She did say later at home they talked about it and for some time after expectations at outings changed for him. He was required to hold the shopping cart and/or her hand no questions asked. For him that was his punishment because prior he had a bit of freedom for outings.
I think these are those times where you have to decide what works for your family right now and only you can decide that 🙂
Why should he be in trouble for playing a game? Explain to him that it was scary and that you thought he was lost or stolen, yes, but punished?
I would suggest a couple things, take them or leave them! And they are said in love – which is hard to get across online.
Plan visits with this particular family at places that have boundaries built in (a room/home/fenced yard instead of a store). Plan places where kids can be little and play (you are talking about 4, 7, and 8 year olds, play and noise is normal and going to the store with friends is not going to be a quiet activity -they want to play with their friends). Also do less visits if you feel the need to have some space.
For the 4yo not leaving your son alone when your son was in timeout: you stand between them and redirect the 4 year old to his parent. If they won’t leave your son alone then specifically ask the other mom to take her son to a different area while your son finishes his timeout, or even better, you remove your child from the store to do his consequences in private – timeout in the car for example.
For the lost because he was hiding and not responding – what comes to mind is how would Christ have handled it? I think he would have loved on that little one in the moment, welcomed him with open arms (thinking of the prodigal son parable here). Then at a more appropriate time when everyone was calm he would have shared instruction, probably with a story. And he would have gently reminded you (a bystander, not the parent of the child) to rejoice that the one who was lost is found, not to call for punishment.
Yes, I’ve had times when I’ve thought the same thing, ‘If they would just _____ then their child wouldn’t _____.” But that is my pride talking. I think I know their child better than they do. I think I know how to parent better than they do. That is a very slippery slope of judging others that I think we humans naturally climb onto but that with practice we can recognize those thoughts and take them captive, turn them over to Christ, and walk away from them. I still fail regularly! But I’m trying.
I don’t know this person at all, but having been the mom with the really badly behaved kids, let me share my story.
My 3rd and 4th babies were 18 months apart. I had horrible undiagnosed PPD/Anxiety. The depression after #3 lasted until about 2 weeks before I got pregnant with #4. #4 is almost 4 and I still battle the anxiety/panic attacks.
We were barely making it and all sorts of habit training/discipline just wasn’t happening. I knew that people were judging us and my kids were at times out of control. Sometimes, I felt so hopeless and helpless and sometimes, I couldn’t even think of what to do to deal with the behavior other than saying, “We don’t do that” and then wanting to cry that it wasn’t working.
Please, give moms with wild kids grace.
We are making up time now as best as we can, but those times when people were ungracious when I was falling apart on the inside were very hurtful.
Of course, this woman may be in a totally different situation. But those children are still people made in God’s image. Extend grace. You might be the voice of boundary they need. And just seeing you controlling your children could help that mom realize she *can* control her kids.
Totally agree with the idea that you’ll never find someone with the same parenting styles and ideals. I think a bookstore is far from being an ideal place to meet up with another family. I would try a different setting like a park or someone’s house and see how it goes.
Thanks for all of the wonderful responses. I really appreciate it. Especially the comments about having grace towards the other mom. My son is certainly hyper, but I still have expectations and guides. I adopted my son from Russia when he was 13 mths old and he had a lot of sensory and behavior issues (and still struggles with things.) We have been through a lot of therapy, etc. I get that children are loud/wild, etc. My son is usually the loudest/wildest in the room and I have to stay on top of it with him BUT I know to do that.
We have had park play dates with this family as well but am still now sure how well I think it worked out. I think my son does better with other children even though he likes this child.
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