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Young Adult Women
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Linda, I wonder if you find it harder to make friends here in the US? Do you have any idea why that would be? I’m so curious about that because it is such a struggle for me… we too have left church for that reason (because it was so hard on both the kids and me). For us, it was the church we had been a part of for almost 20 years. We were very involved in many ways and my husband was a deacon but no matter how we tried it was exactly like what you described. I am not a shy person either — I am very comfortable with people, but can’t seem to find anyone who wants more than a “Hi! How are you?” on Sunday mornings (and they don’t want the real answer, either). We felt very much that people wanted us there to be involved in the various programs but that beyond that, it didn’t matter to anyone if we were there… I don’t mean to sound so consumeristic about church, it isn’t that I think the church is there only to meet my families needs. It is just that after years of feeling invisible, it gets to be chokingly hard to go back week after week.
I understand what you mean about you and the girls needing more. I feel that way too. My husband and I work hard to do things with our kids and have great relationships with them, but nothing can replace the experience of a good group of friends close to your own age. I think that is true for both our kids and for us mama’s. Sometimes I think I will go crazy if I don’t find someone I can call up and just talk for a bit!
Well, anyway, I sincerely hope you find something for your girls (and for you!). I wish we had come up with some better ideas to help all of us. It is such a burden on my heart right now (I hate to see my boy so lonely),and I am not seeing any answers. Maybe someone will chime in with a new idea.
~Jenn
@Linda – You asked about how my daughter decided on a career choice… She has always enjoyed baking and cake decorating, and really, that is how she made her choice. It is something that she can do out of the home later, if/ when she gets married, and she currently works at a “corner bakery” in a town just down the road from us. Oddly enough, though many people have definitely been hit by the poor economy, Pfaff’s Bakery has continued to do very well for a variety of reasons.
I’m sure that wasn’t much help. All I can say is that dh and I have encouraged the kiddos to do what they love – so sometimes we have brainstormed with the older ones to figure out how they can use their gifts to benefit others in ways that will provide an income. My oldest enjoyed working with plants and being out of doors most of the time. So, we talked with him extensively about how he could use that. He really wanted to have his own orchard and Christmas tree farm for a long time. After graduating from his college courses he’s talking more about owning a nursery. As it is, he is working at an expanded orchard for the moment, learning all that he can while working toward his ultimate goal.
@Jenn – you are not alone, Jenn. When we lived in Indiana we had such a wonderful church home. That experience makes our current one almost harder because we know what is possible, but can’t seem to find it here. Praying for you and your boys.
Hi Jenn, to answer your question, why I have had a hard time making friends here – I think perhaps some of it is we live in a neighborhood where hardly anyone is at home, and those that are have real little kids and some have voiced disapproval of homeschooling, even though they know little about it. I am also quite a bit older than most of the people around here, and maybe that has something to do with it. I came from a small village in England where we had lived for 10 years, we knew loads of people and it had a real community feel to it, like a lot of English villages – there was no need for a car, I could walk wherever I needed to go and as I don’t drive that was great. I walked to the supermarket and walked back, I walked to the doctor and dentist and I walked with people I knew to the local tea house and had a nice natter – the girls knew their children and it was very easy living. Here it is a lot more isolating, I have noticed that people seem to involve their children in organized sport at a very young age and our neighbors litte girl is already dreaming of being a cheerleader, she is 4!! I don’t have those priorities, I was an athlete in high school – and a good one, but I did not start any formal training until I was about 13-14. It seems that here a lot of people are rushed off their feet with activities, shopping and work – there does not seem to be time for quiet time, traditional type of coffee mornings, etc. If women get together here it seems to be either to shop or go to the gym. In the UK there was always a craft circle to join in with or something like that. I did try a book club, but the women there had no interest in anything other than the book and then going on home with hardly a word to anyone. Jenn I had a wry smile on my face when you mentioned the church, your experience has been ours too – my husband and daughters came late to the church, I was raised in it – so they are new learners when it comes to Jesus etc, except for what I have taught them, and the 3 churches we have been too have put them off completely. One of my daughters has lost her faith or the budding of faith that she had – she did not feel that the people in the churches were very friendly and they were all horribly pushy about youth group and were really quite upset when the girls said they were not interested. We also knew that when someone asked how we were, that they oftentimes did not wait for the answer or it was obvious they did not really want to know. I had hoped to find a church community that would at least make you feel welcome, but I have not had that experience and so we gave up looking. We have talked about going to different churches and different denominations to see what is out there – but have not done it yet. I still study at home as does my husband and Bible is a big part of our homeschool. I don’t expect the church to fawn all over us, but when they have the social time after church, I do not find it very nice that we are alone in the room and everyone else is in their little cliques and ignores us. That is not Godly behavior to me, at least making the effort to reach out would be nice – even when we attempted to converse we quickly felt shut out…this has happened at quite a few denominations both here and in the south when we lived there. So I don’t quite know what to do with that. My husband was raised with no church though he is a believer, and I was raised as Church of England, but have not attended that church since childhood as they don’t have them in the places I have lived as an adult. I find it sad, because churches wonder why people are leaving in droves….they might have an answer if they realize that reaching out means more than just sending a newsletter in the mail. I sometimes think I will go crazy as well, life is so isolating sometimes, however I try at every opportunity and maybe one day things will fall into place. At our barn though the people are friendly, no-one wants to know you away from the barn and so that too is rather shallow.
BlueJ – thanks for the info on your daughter – we are trying to do that as well because I believe it is important to encourage our daughter’s into things that they have an affinity for and a love of. Equestrian work is a given for the one, though knowing which direction that will go in is hard to say at the moment and she still has some health issues she has to get over before she can start full time with that. The other one would love to do baking and cake decorating, she is an excellent cook and baker. However her weak left hand and arm and her cerebral palsy makes it difficult to ice things because she does not have a lot of control over the arm and it does jerk occasionally. She also would not be able to tolerate the pressure of cooking school, it would be too hectic for her. So she is still in limbo over what to do in the future and with the economy the way it is, who knows what will be available – we will see. I find this post encouraging in that it is some small comfort to know there are others like us, and I guess walking with different path of homeschooling will always be more challenging and that is ok – in the end I would not change it for the world – I would however add a few friendly faces….Linda
((Linda)) i’m sending hugs because that’s all I can offer. I could’ve written every word of every one of these posts, we have been feeling exactly the same way.
Des, Hugs back at you, it is good not to feel so alone isn’t it? There seem to be a few of us having a hard time with all this…well at least we all have each other on here….I am grateful for that. Hugs to all the lonely souls…Linda
Whew! I have just read all these interesting posts and am astonished, overwhelmed and feeling much love for all of you. I too had felt like our family have searched endlessly for the “right” church. I have prayed for years for that right church. I could write a book on how many churches we had to quit. The Lord slammed the door on some of those. What I didn’t want my boys to hear from public schools was in the churches. Yes, I have 3 boys. I started reading this but so much touched home. I think it great your grown daughters have their interests missing the shire and you spoke of the barn. So do they ride? As a young girl that was all I wanted to do and dream of the day when we can own horses. I found it so interesting hearing of your life in England and yes it sounded like a wonderful place, the kind I would like to have for a neighborhood. My oldest son, 17, wants to travel Europe. The answer for my boys have been to find their own interests. They are 17, 15 and 9. My oldest has programmed computer progams and repaired computers most of his life since 9. My middle son loves the great outdoors and we live far from town on 24 acres, mostly woods. My youngest 2 have their dogs and enjoy them. Our dream is to own horses some day. I think the wonderful relationships we are fostering in our children make our children more picky in finding friends. They find a lot of the “outside” children to shallow. Each of my boys have one best friend who are homeschooled themselves. I belive in time (God’s time) your girls my find a special friend. I know that is the hardest thing to do, to wait. But in the meantime, I can see, you and your girls are having a wonderful time together. That really matters. I know that has to make it hard to not be driving. I wish somehow you and your daughters could get your driver’s license. I know that has to make you feel secluded.
I wanted to touch on boys, since that is all I have. My oldest who is 17 is in college now. He had one year of dual enrollment and graduated from home school last year. He is almost done with his first semester this year. He is also working at the college as an IT Specialist I. I am praying he stays away from the girls until he finishes his college studies. I do want him to find the “right” one in time. He has never dated and I know, even though he doesn’t say, that that fact makes him feel different. I am just so glad he is so busy and has his interests. Oh yeah he just started Flight School is paying, his lifelong dream. He is majoring in Networking at the college and plans on going for his PH D in time. The reason I am telling you all this is because at his age my life was going no where. I didn’t have that close relationship to my mother. In all fairness she had 6 kids and adopted her 7th, her grandson, and just wanted us to all move out. So at 17 when I graduated a year early that is what I did and my life was going no where. I felt unloved, unwanted and an underachiever. So I am so glad to see my boys have so much to aspire to and they know they are truly loved and we talk about everything (I hope). If I had daughters I would love to be this close to them. I would love to do the girl things. Just remember we have been “set apart” and we are raising trailblazers. I know how special these homeschoolers are. I also have a sister homeschooling her children and our children are different. They know it and the world knows it. But we have to let them know how great it is to be God’s kind of different. I shout “Hallelujah” for all our differences. I am sorry for getting so emotional. God bless you all. He has set our paths.
Just had to add my family is still keeping on. We read our Bibles each day, pray and treat others the way we want to be treated and believe in giving. It just seems we have become home-churched as well as homeschoolers. We so enjoyed watching the message by Charles Stanley this morning and I was so glad to see all 3 of my boys really listening. We too had done the home Bible study years ago and enjoyed it emensely. We had two other couples over with their children. We would sing and play music as well. One of the ladies, a dear friend, died of breast cancer. The Lord did prolong her life for 5 years after the doctors gave up on her. She was my next door neighbor and met her sweet reward 4 years ago. The other couple moved to another state. So it is just my family now. Yet I do have my two sisters who are Christians and their families. That helps. The Lord didn’t want us to “Forsake Not assembling ourselves together”. And we are not. Whether it is my family of 5, or extended family or on line. Each day no one is allowed out the door, to work or college, unless the Bible is read first. We do need His Word. I always let them know that I am praying for them.
Hi Tina, Yet another of us who has struggled with some of these things – I was thinking this afternoon, we are all still standing, and we are all still holding our ground in this homeschooling adventure and raising wonderful, loving, caring and kind children – who happen to have high expectations for themselves- who do not wish to waste time on the vacuous or inane – for that I will be always grateful and feel blessed. It does kind of make up for some of the challenges we face. Yes one of my daughter’s rides and is involved with a barn, but does not compete or fox hunt, she is training in dressage, and everyone else is into jumping, so again she is a little on the outside of the pack. Everyone is friendly and wonderful, but they are either much younger or much, much older – she would love someone her own age to talk with. However the riding is a huge thing for her, it is her great passion and talent in life. Illness has and is holding her back, but my prayer is that soon she will be well enough to really move forward with it. My other daughter does not ride, has no interest and is really into marine mammals and dogs.
You have made some very interesting points and you are right about our children holding out for real decent friends and being picky – my daughters don’t watch R rated movies, don’t like to dress immodestly are not interested in boys, like classical and Christian music and I am happy about all those things. The few girls my daughters have met they have not found anything to have in common, they don’t understand a lot of the slang talk, don’t enjoy hearing the word like as in every second word and just found it rather shallow as you say. I hope we are not sounding snobby here, but it is just that a lot of young women and girls seem to only want the reality show, MTV and Justin Bieber…we don’t involve ourselves in any of that and so it does make it very hard. The driving thing is awkward, I have never driven and it terrifies me over here, the driving seems s haphazard – weaving in and out of lanes to overtake etc. One daughter will learn as soon as she is fit enough, but the other may never drive because of cerebral palsy which affects her depth perception. However both girls have said that even if they could drive, they don’t know where they could go or what they would do. I think the fact they lived in Europe so long and had certain freedoms there that are impossible here makes it harder as well. Over there they could walk everywhere, they could catch the bus into town and go to the library and walk around the town and its shops. They could sit outside the Shakespeare Theatre and people watch and read – they could ride their bikes through the village and the countryside. We did not have to worry so much over there about violent crime and pedophiles and they had things they could do. Here it is so different and we have all suffered a little from the cultural shift. I was glad to read about your home Bible study and the friends you did have – you are right we should say “Hallelujah” for our different ways and our wonderful families. I praise God for this forum. Thanks ladies….it all helps. Linda
Wow, there have been a lot of posts since I was last on here. Several people have said it but I just want to say that I too feel that even if we haven’t come up with any ground-breaking ideas, it is so nice to not feel like the only one going through some of these things.
@ bluej — thanks for what you said and for your prayers. It does give me hope that maybe there is a good place out there for us. Maybe we just haven’t found it yet. I’m still praying though.
I don’t have a lot to add, but just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your families. Keep the faith, and the Lord will answer, even if it is not how or when you expect it. (((HUGS)))
missingtheshire your daughters sound like the kind of girls I have praying for my boys. I have told my boys there are still nice girls out there. My 17 year old son is going to the community colege and he talks like there are not any “nice” girls there. This is his second year. I told him the Lord has one waiting on him and they are just all hidden away like my boys have been all these years. He is very mature for his age and always has been. Most people things he is 20. He did an IQ test on line and was told he should be 30. Anyway he is very interested in Europe and wants to travel there. He likes the idea that he can use public transportation and would love Shakespeare thater. From what you tell me I can see why. He is driving but told me he does like it. But he is a good driver. The problem now is with all these cell phones. So I do a lot of praying on the road with both my boys. My second son will be 16 at the end of Dec. and just got his learner’s driving permit. We live in a small rural area but can’t believe all the near accidents we see because of cell phones. I don’t mean to add to your nervousness about driving but can understand it. I really like to hear what you say about your daughters because I would have raised mine the same way, if I had any daughters. I also am shocked by this immodest dress and would have never sent a daughter out the door dressed like that. It is also so distracting for the boys. I was glad when my oldest went to college and most of his classes had boys. I could see how the girls dressed and wanted him to keep his mind on his studies. I have taught my boys to respect girls starting with their cousins. I just wish the majority of the girls in the world would respect themselves first. I am so old fashioned about my ideas I feel like I have gone through a time warp. My oldest son also loves classical music. All my boys are musical. No you don’t sound like a snob, just with morals and cultured. We too are picky about what we watch. I told the boys it is harder to get it out of your mind so be careful what you put in your mind.
About the driving, I am so glad my oldest son wants to come home after work and college. I don’t like to see these young people just driving around. That is why most of them get in trouble.
Great about your daughter riding. I know that is good for her. I used to trail ride with my husband and friends before we had the boys. I had an Arabian then.
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