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Young Adult Women
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How do you ladies who have older daughter’s who are in the 18-20 age group find wholesome ways for your daughters to socialise, other than church. We have not had much success with church as the girls don’t want to join the youth or college groups and we have not found the youth activities especially edifying. As such our daughters are finding themselves on their own a lot – they have no interest in the modern cultural things that most young women are into, and they find the young women they do occasionally meet find them boring because of that, even the majority of young women at the church have been very much into the makeup and boys etc. At my daughter’s riding school most of the others are either very young or much older women and so we find ourselves in a vacuum right now. The girls are living at home and will be for the next few years at least – they will not be going away to college, may take some classes, but no 4 year college as they have no interest in a career that warrants that – they are hardworking around the home, a delight to know and study hard – I just would like them to have some outlets other than us. So ladies if any of you have older teens or young women in their early 20s, how do you handle this and should I worry? Any ideas are welcome. Linda
Linda ~ I see my future in your post. My daughters are 14.5 and 11.5, and already experiencing what you say your daughters are going through. So I’m anxious to see the responses. We do not do youth group either, and have cut out many extra curriculars. My oldest volunteers in the Children’s Library 2 hours a week, and honestly, has made a (very) few excellent friends…even though the are her grandmother’s age, my age, and then a young lady a few years older than her. But they are friendly, interesting, and enjoy her company…not material things, boys, etc. My younger daughter has made A FRIEND at her Knitting Club, and has also formed a relationship with the friend’s mother. That’s it. They are home with me and their brothers the rest of the time. I do have a wonderful relationship with both of them. I think they’re wonderful, and we have a lot of fun every day. And they have a great relationship with their brothers, and it warms my heart. But I long for outlets for them too… I just wonder if that’s the worldliness in me, and God has other plans for the, OR if it should be a legitimate concern for me. They’re happy, healthy, well-rounded, socialize well when we are out, …
My dc are only preschool and kindergarten age, BUT I have been “socially challenged” my whole life in that I everyone likes and respects me, but I never did well in the the whole “social scene” and going out just to have fun, etc….I had been lonely in that while I hung out in small groups with others from church my age and in a church college group at that age, I never made it in the “in circle” with just cutting up, going to movies, hanging out, etc….And as I have grown older I have accepted from the Lord that I’m more of an introvert and try to live my life not to be in a particular group of women, but just to cherish the times I get together for the purpose of encouragement with other women.
To compensate, I was blessed to be discipled by some older women during those years (I wasn’t raised in a Christian home). I naturally made close friendships with eldery people within my church (thinking these relationships were close because that age group valued long term relationships and didn’t jump around socially their whole lives like our generation does). I am most close to these people years later after going on several mission trips, having a career job, marrying (at the ripe old age of 33), and having children. My relationships with the women who discipled me and the elderly people I fellowshipped with hasn’t changed (except some of those elderly people have passed on to be with the Lord) one bit through all the changes of life. But the relationships I had through college peer groups and single groups at church during my 20s have remained surface (and even my viewing of their lives through the eyes of facebook with some married with children and some still single) is still about going to certain restaurants, the latest great movie, a funny quote, who went where with whom…with a little bit of “God is so good” and “church was so great today” mixed in.
There is a book a read called “The Friendships of Women” (forgot the author) years ago…it was about the biblical relationships b/n Ruth and Noami as well Mary and Elizabeth. In the Bible times, women just didn’t hang out with peers just to get together all the time. They had actua deepl relationships with others. All that to say, I think your daughters sound like they are right where they need to be for their stage of life. When I was still single in my early 30’s even people at church encouraged me to join a community group with singles (vs. the elderly group), dye my hair that was greying, and do more fun things in order to increase my chances of getting a mate. I was tempted to do this, but didn’t knowing that in the Bible that wasn’t the way it was done. So, one day when I was 32 and was introduced to my husband through a mutual friend, everything was natural when we met and our first of all friendship developed naturally into romantic interest and later to marriage. I with peer relationships, we shouldn’t have to put ourselves out just to “fit in”, in the same way we shouldn’t put ourselves out to “find the perfect spouse”.
P.S. I must confess that I did start coloring my dull greyish hair though, LOL.
I admit I too have colored my hair, I was almost completely gray in my late 20s so I could not stand that. I too married late at the age of 37 – the difference with me is that unlike my husband I am very outgoing and get along with just about everyone – I however was friendly with a lot of people I worked with through the years, though I could count close friends as 2 and one of them sadly died a few years ago. I do not believe that life has to be about fitting in, and I am a happy homemaker loving my family life. I am wondering what the girls could do though to get away from me once in a while lol….I must be getting on their last nerve by now (just joking) we have a wonderful relationship and I am so glad of that. I just don’t want them to be too reclusive…I know they are in the right place right now, being home – especially as we have some health issues with one daughter still to work through – but I want them to know how to handle themselves in other types of company for when that time comes. My husband has a terrible time socialising he has what is known as an avoidant personality, and it has made life very difficult for us all and especially him…the girls may have a little of that as well – which can make being social extremely difficult. Sometimes it seems I am the only one in the family who talks lol – though the girls do reasonably well when we are in the company of others – however we do not have a lot of friends because my husband has such difficulties and so we have only superficial friendships with people, which can make life trying. I want to make sure that the girls do not suffer because of that. We seldom have anyone come to the house, and if it were not for the stables we would likely have no-one. I do not drive, so I am at a disadvantage here, and one daughter likely cannot drive, and the other has been too ill to try, though hopefully in the next 18 months she can accomplish that. Anyway, I and they don’t want a worldly life, but it would be nice for them to have some outlets. Linda
I don’t know if this will help but here’s what our outlets consist of:
My daughter sings in the youth program at our church. She is there with the other kids and she even went to the weekend retreat but I wouldn’t say that she really has any good friends. She doesn’t participate in the gossiping and other things so sometimes she is just by herself. I went to the retreat as an adult shepherd and I did find her several times completely by herself. So, even though she sings and the kids tell her she does a great job, she isn’t in the “in crowd.” Also, she is in a small group Bible study for kids her age. They are lead by two adult women who direct the conversation. I have found this to be good for her. She even did this as early as 5th grade.
She knows she doesn’t have the same interest as most others but she still enjoys participating in the music and the studies.
Second, we host a Bible study group in our home. It is a family study, so adults come and bring their kids (if they have any). I understand with your husbands issues, this may be difficult but it works for us.
The problem with the youth groups at the churches we have attended is that they have really juvenile activities and their college age group which is where my girls are – are all about worldly things, we have never really taken to the youth group stuff I’m afraid. A couple of really bad experiences really put the girls off when they were younger. I wish they liked singing but they don’t, that is something else only I like to do – I sing everywhere…which is embarrasing for all,lol – thanks so much for the thoughts and ideas, please keep them coming – there will be more coming up the ranks who will also appreciate the answers given here….Linda
Linda, I did have the thought that community service or volunteer work would be a great outlet. I think of the scripture (no reference sorry, maybe psalm 34 or 37), “the steps of a righteous man are ordered of God”, and I would encourage you to ask your dds to pray about what areas outside the home they are to serve and fellowship. Reading your 2nd post, it seems like they made a need a little boost, prayer support, and challenge outside their comfort zone. I just wanted to encourage you if their social life outside the home doesn’t look like that of others, and if it is limited, that’s okay as long as the reason is that they are making the most of each day living for the Lord and not wanting to be home most of the time to avoid life outside the home. Other things are possibly to do babysitting, house sitting, pet care, join a craft group (if they have a crafty hobby), be a mentor or tutor through a big sister/little sister type adoption program, start visiting a nursing home (asking the staff which residents don’t get many visitors), joining a prayer group (for something like missionaries)….well, that’s what I can think of at the moment…..hoping it is an encouragement 🙂
Linda, have you looked into books and resources from Vision Forum on this topic?
Here is one book that I have heard is good from a young lady who writes about her experience…
And there are others like a DVD, but I can’t remember the title of that one. I’m listening on this post, as I have 3 future adult women. 🙂
One thing I can say about the girls is that they are never idle, always busy in home, garden, hobbies and crafts and helping at the barn we attend – they are happy to go outside of their comfort zone and have volunteered for things at a local animal shelter, old people’s home etc. They also babysit our neighbor’s children when they get the opportunity and go to the local zoo for the classes there. These things are all good, but it does not seem to help in making friendships – I don’t know if people are just too busy these days or what the problem is, but after the volunteer ops then nothing happens until the next and likely because it is mostly older people who have other committments. The girls are super hard workers and don’t waste time, they just often wish they had some like aged people to converse with and get to know. Mentoring may be an idea, but without transport that will be hard so things would have to happen when dad was off work. Linda
Kathi, our Bible study is simple in many ways but in other ways it takes preparation. We meet about 6:30pm for dinner. Each family brings part of the meal. Usually the kids eat at one table and the parents at the other, just because everyone likes to visit. It is a great time to share about life and connect with each other. Then we start study. We are working on incorporating a few songs of worship just because we all enjoy worshipping through music but that is new, so I can’t say much about that. We used to do studies that went along with our church’s sermon series and we’ve done book study but now we’re trying something completely new for us and loving it! We are reading the Bible in chronological order. Each week we decide how far we’re going to read the next week. Then when we return we are prepared to ask questions of each other and to share any new insights or information that we found. My husband does the most indepth study because he leads the group. That means when he’s reading each day, he also looks at commentaries, sermons from other pastors, and any other information he can find. We have never run out of stuff for the discussion. In fact, we usually find ourselves having to cut it off.
As far as the kids go, it varies. When they were younger, each family chipped in a few dollars and we paid a local college or high school student to come to do a Biblical lesson/activity with them. They really enjoyed that. One year, the babysitter was just earning money for a mission trip so it was a great service for her. Now that they are all old enough (the youngest in our group is 7), we give them options of what they can do while we’re having the in depth discussion. They don’t participate in the discussion because it is too long for them.
I must also clarify that it hasn’t been the same families for all the years. We actually have seen a great deal of variance. We invite people from our church, pass out fliers around where we live, let parents know in other activities that our children do, and any time it can come up in conversation.
I hope that helps! I’d say just put yourself out there and let God be your guide. It won’t always look the way you expect but it is a great journey and it keeps you more connected to the word.
Linda,
I just came across this post this evening after a conversation with my 17 yo dd who desires to find a group of youth who are interested in church activities, etc. The whole youth group thing just doesn’t seem to work for us at our current church, though it was a wonderful experience at our last one before we moved. sigh.
My 19 yo dd has a few friends at work, and made a few friends at the Wilton Cake Decorating School while she was there, but really has only one friend who, IMHO, is not as committed to the whole friendship thing as my daughter is. On the other hand, all of my older girls are fairly close, so they do have each other, but sometimes I think they would like &/or need someone who isn’t a family member.
Your post reminded me that I really haven’t done this for my older girls… When I last had a concern like, though for my youngest, prayer was what changed things for her. My youngest did not have a close friend nearby, now after a couple of years of prayer, she has two young ladies who are Godly girls with whom she enjoys spending time. It seemed like a long couple of years, but it prepared both of our hearts, I think. Now, I need to go talk with God and ask Him to provide for my older girls in this area.
Not sure that was the helpful bit that you desired. I am praying for you and your girls.
Pax,
jacqleene
I just saw this post for the first time this morning and I just wanted to say that it was a blessing to me to read it and discover that I am not alone — we have had the exact same difficulties with church groups with our kids. My boys just don’t fit in no matter how they try. It is just like you said Linda, other kids find them to be boring. Nice, but boring. I think it may be because they aren’t consumed with movies and video games, perhaps. We definitely watch movies, we have a movie night most weeks, but we can’t “keep up with the Joneses” so to speak in terms of watching all the latest, there is just too much muck out there. And they have video games that they enjoy but they aren’t allowed to spend all their free time gaming, nor do they want to.
Just last week my oldest came to me and told me that he is struggling with loneliness. I am at a loss to know how to help him. He is very involved in a good karate class a couple times every week, mows lawns for neighbors, keeps busy with many worthwhile things, is intelligent and friendly, but can’t seem to make friends. My heart goes out to him and I don’t know how to help him… I feel like maybe it is in the genes because I was and am still the same way. People like me just fine but no one wants to truly be *friends* and I have struggled with loneliness my whole life. I always feel maybe I have infected my kids somehow with whatever my problem is.
Linda (if you’re still reading) I feel like maybe I am hijacking your post and I’m sorry, I don’t want to do that. You were asking about your daughters. I feel like I have always been just like how you described your daughters. I’ve always been different, more serious. Never fit in. I have older boys but my girls are all still little so I don’t have girls at the same life stage as yours, which really disqualifies me from answering your question — except for the fact that I have walked a similar path myself so I know how it feels from your daughters’ perspective. The thing that comes to mind is my mom was a great friend to me during my late high school and early college years. I know that is not the answer you were looking for, and I have never found the answer myself… but honestly I don’t know how I would have gotten through that time without the friendship my mom gave to me. She treated me as a person, an interesting person, and made me feel that she loved to do things with me. She would sit and talk with me late at night, and laugh with me, cook with me, exercise with me, etc.
Anyway I guess I am trying to say, even as you continue to search and pray for age-mates for your girls, don’t underestimate the power of your own role in their lives at this stage.
Sorry this went so long.
~Jenn
Thankls Jacqleene and Jenn, it seems there are a few of us with these struggles for our children. I have to say even for myself it is lonely for me here in the US, I am very outgoing and not a bit shy, however being a homeschool, non working out of the home, traditional type mum in a neighborhood where everyone works has been and is challenging. I am very self sufficient in myself, and have lots of hobbies, so I keep myself busy and of course the girls are great to have around, but I think we all need a little more. One of my daughters said the other night it would be nice to have a friend her own age who she could share thoughts with – that made me feel quite sad – I had that as a teen and know how nice that was, my husband did not, he was always shy and had parents who kept him rather isolated which I think has made him the way he is – some of it seems to have rubbed off on the girls.
Jacqleene thank you for your prayers I will pray for you and for your daughters and Jenn for your boys as well. I find that interesting that the boys struggle as much as the girls, having only girls I was not aware of that and I thought maybe it was easier for a boy – I guess it isn’t. Jenn I did not think you were hijacking the post, my whole point for writing this was to hear the sort of things you all have been writing – I don’t think any of us appreciate how much help we all get from each others musings. Hearing about your own experience is very helpful to me, and it is nice to hear that maybe my company and role with them is important too – we do have a lot of fun and share a lot of things. This forum is such a good place to share these thoughts and worries, to know we are not alone and to understand things from someone else. I really appreciate it. I pray for my daughters and ask that the right people come their way – but it is not easy when it does not happen – of course God’s timing is not ours and I always try to remember He has a plan, even if we don’t see it. I do find it interesting that the school friends I had were not then a part of my adult life, I had two really close friends but I met them when I was in my twenties and one lives in Australia and the other has since died – since I started homeschooling it has been harder to find like minded women. Even at church I have found the people to be rather aloof and not interested in anything outside of the Sunday visit, I am still looking for that welcoming place of worship, where people reach out to newcomers and embrace them. Even after months of going we still felt like strangers and newbies, and though we tried to engage in conversation, everyone seemed disinterested, so we stopped going as it began to upset me, and it was a turn off for the girls, they did not find the experience to encourage them in their faith. It is nice to have these cyber relationships on this forum, and it is wonderful to know we are not alone. Does not help our children, but nice for us. Thank you sincerely for the words of encouragement and prayers, I will be praying for you as well…
Jacqleene, is your daughter still living at home, how did she figure out what she wanted to do – the economy is not looking good right now and it is a worry when you have older girls regarding their futures? Linda
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