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Working Mom Dilemma-Help Please!
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In the past so many of you have been so helpful with my concerns, so, I am seeking your help and comments once again if you have a moment…! After much study and planning, we finally created our curriculum for our two kids (11 and 13)using many of the SCM resources. We set up the homeschool at our office. The plan was for both my husband and I to help with the kids as time allowed. We have a small animal practice and I am obligated 4 days a week as the only doctor- wish we could afford a partner, but as of now economy won’t allow… As it is, my husband has become the main teacher for the children. I had hopes of spending more time helping them, but we have been quite busy at times and I cannot consistently give them the one on one he can. Recently, my father was placed in hospice at his home just down the road from our house. We (I) feel it would be best to move school back “home” much to the kids dismay (they like watching me at work etc) so they can be available to help with dad as needed. The problem is (in all honesty,) me!!! At other times, when they have schooled at home, I just don’t (well, I worry that they don’t) do their work to my standards. I often find assignments missed (due to “unexpected events” or “just ran out of time” issues etc. I will literally write everything out, even to correct previous errors, and somehow they (my husband?) just don’t see that note”!!! I have to be very careful here; he is very sensitive of course, to my approval of his abilities…. but, how do I address this without offending my main helper, their father and teacher? Does anyone else have a husband who is the teacher, and, how do you deal with or balance being “control freak vs loving wife”??? I don’t want to be over critical and break their spirits, but at the same time I have worries that they will get behind… but then again, I ask, behind who? In the big picture, I believe God is first, then family, then all the rest of life. So, being there for dad should be more important to me than whether they finish that grossly obese Easy Grammar book, or write enough lines, or skip science/history entirely for 2-3 days… right??? Somehow, I have anxiety about it nonetheless!!!! Should I try to teach some myself at night after dragging home from work, or , try to rearrage school to fit on weekends and Mondays ( I am off that day), and be relaxed rest of week doing service/field trips with dad etc? Some say we should just send them back to public… and relieve ourselves of all this stress…. Throw into all this, my 4year old, who is attending a private christian school (to allow us time to get the hang of doing homeschool…this is only our second year). She is not happy there, it is very expensive, and she wants to come home too. I just didn’t want to overwhelm my husband, but he is quite willing to try with her too! he really is trying, I know, but it’s that darn Mama in me screaming to come home and do it my way! If I only knew 20 years ago that being a mom is far more rewarding than any career… but can’t pay the bills if I don’t work! When I read this forum sometimes, I could easily get depressed. It seems we will never measure up to the daily schedules and thorough curricula some here probably have for their kids. I just don’t see that happening with our family, but we try! Any thoughts? Constructive crtiticism, others like me???
I don’t have much time…. I’d try to “let go” a bit of the ideal homeschool that you envision, and let your dh take the lead on it.
Also buy the book “Lies Homeschooling Mom’s Believe” by Todd Wilson (I think that’s the name) – and read it. It will make you feel MUCH better. And keep in mind that we generally show our good “public” face when discussing what we do – and you don’t hear as much about our days when nothing works right at all.
Ditto suzukimom…If your husband is willing to be their caregiver and teacher, than you should turn the responsibility over to him. Trying to control thier schooling while working full time will make you both (and your kids) crazy!
I would also recommend that you or your husband read “Educating the Wholehearted Child” by Sally Clarkson. The book takes a while to digest, b/c there is so much info, but the part that would be helpful to you would be in differentiating between the different learning methods. She explains which subjects are ‘disciplined’ studies (I tend to think of these as the pencil and paper work) and which subjects are discussion or discretionary studies. If they are reading living books and discussing the ideas with your dh, that covers so much ground!
When you are creating an atmosphere of growth and learning in your home there are going to be many things ‘absorbed’ by your children that just aren’t measurable by human standards. Their discipleship, ability to discern truth from falsehood, reasoning ability, emotional intelligence, appreciation of great art and music…these things are difficult to guage but essential to thier development as people!
Don’t overlook what the kids are telling you – they are people and it sounds as though they have an appetite for learning. They may need to alter thier time management skills, but you doing that for them is not going to teach them that skill. Let your dh take over and trust him. And let your 4 year old come home! There is nothing she is getting at school that wouldn’t be much better taught at home – not to mention the love and nurture that she needs from a parent. Just think what an incredible opportunity your kids have to know their father – something most children would love to have memories of!
Take them to work with you occasionally, by all means, and teach them what you can there – but let them grow and develop at their own pace. It will work out! Blessings to you on the journey :)!
Thank you Serving with Joy and SuzukiMom, for taking time to read and advise. Will add second book to my Christmas list, love to read when i can! I so quickly forget the importance of character development, and the opportunities they have everyday for this with the freedom homeschool provides. Thank you for reminding me; maybe we are OK afterall!
I was in a similar situation to you three years ago. Dad taught school for almost one entire year but I had to lay out the plans for him. I think (at least it would be for me) a control issue. And like the others suggested if your husband is willing than let him! Mine did it because we really didn’t have a choice. I eventually was able to switch to 2nd shift so I went back to teaching in the morning. I had tried afternoons and it didn’t work very well and honestly can you really expect to teach your kids as a relaxed and not so stressed mom after working all day while the housework is “waiting” for you? The kids minds are just so much fresher in the morning too. Bring your daughter home and let her be involved too.
I would definetely keep tabs on what they are learning, but try not to stress if they miss something one day or several days. They can catch up if they have to. We concentrate on different things in different years. This year it is math and writing.
I think we all go through that questioning of ourselves. “Am I really doing all I could? Are my kids getting everything they can? Is everything the very best that it could possibly be?” The answer will always be “No.” We and our children are not perfect, so nothing is going to be perfect. I need to continually remind myself of all the great things in our lives, so that I don’t get discouraged at the difference between my ideal and my reality.
Like you, I would have a hard time letting go the responsibility and letting DH run things (if he were ever so inclined.) On the other hand, there are benefits to having more than just one person involved. I actually think that is one of the drawbacks of homeschooling. (Not a drawback that would ever outweigh the benefits of homeschooling, but still…) In school, students learn to adapt to different teaching styles, personalities, etc. So, having your children learn how DH does things and how you do things and then develop their own style, could be a great thing! There are naturally things that he will know or be interested in and will discuss or investigate with your children that you would never think of. There are areas that your children might be interested in that DH might be more inclined to explore, whereas you would not pursue them. I think it could be a wonderful arrangement.
You mentioned that you could do some school on the weekends or Mondays. I wouldn’t personally give up family time on weekends to do school, but perhaps you could do some of the things you think are critical on Mondays, so set the tone for the week. Then relax on other things that can be done the rest of the time.
I would also definitely spend some time doing some long term planning/goal setting with your DH, so that you are on the same page. Discuss the things you think are important (as in, should not be missed, so if time is running out, the priorities are first). Ask DH what he sees as important. Include habits and life skills as well as academic work. If you are planning together, so that he has input into what the goals are, and understands why you emphasize certain things, he will be less likely to ‘overlook’ those things. I know even for myself, I hate working from a script. I choose very open ended materials, using ideas from many sources, but then adapting regularly. I can never follow someone else’s plan exactly. I can’t even always follow my own plan if it’s too specific! LOL If your DH is like that, he may feel overwhelmed or restricted if your ‘instructions’ are too detailed. If he knows what the main goals are, however, he can figure out his own path to get there. He may come up with a better way than you even thought of!
Joanne
LOL – have to agree with Joanne! I can’t even follow my own plans when I get too detailed, either!
This is written from my personal experiences and not as a judgement one – I am having to come to grips with a few things about myself that I need to work on, so please take it in that manner. =) I so get your concerns. I have them way too often and I am starting to realize that it is ME, not my DH. I am a control freak, a researcher, and a planner. (Sound kinda scary, don’t I????) You might take a minute to consider WHY this is really freaking you out. Is it really that Dad isn’t teaching them or are you a little bit jealous that he is home with them where you want to be and you’re not? That is a lot of my problem sometimes. Another part of me thinks I know more about this than he does, so I am “scared” they’ll miss something if he teaches it. And yet, gaps happen when I teach. Go figure. =)
For an example of my “control freak – don’t want to miss something”, a year or so ago we had a few postcard exchanges here. I got all my postcards and have kept them so we could do geography and history type studies with them. In the meantime, my husband gets things in the mail regularly, so he just has my kids look up the mailing addresses on our wall map. It’s so simple and easy – why did I have to turn this into a big project?? LOL When I post this, I am going to hand him the stack, tell him what I wanted to do and let them decide how they want to do it. They’ll love it. It’ll be done. I won’t have to think about it or move that pile one more time. lol
A couple of things I thought of when reading your post:
You have a full time job and you are still choosing to homeschool! Personally, I think that you are amazing!
Here’s a quote that I have finally posted in my office for my worry about gaps and overdoing lessons:
“In discussing preparation, may I also encourage you to avoid a temptation that faces almost every teacher . . . That is the temptation to cover too much material, the temptation to stuff more into the hour—or more into the students—than they can possibly hold!”
~ Jeffrey R. Holland
Something else I thought of that might relieve your stress levels about what your children are learning via pencil and paper results: when my dd had serious illnesses that totalled SEVEN weeks per school year and she missed an entire month once – so we were doing the work at the hospital and home – ahe had less than two hours of work per WEEK – not day. Seriously???
I cannot imagine that your children are learning any less with their dad – how cool is it that he WANTS and is WILLING to nurture his family in this way? What choice memories these children are going to have of their family and childhood – a mom with an awesome job that they got see and “live” and a dad who chose to be involved! And helping to serve their family with love and compassion in regards to your father?? That is not a forever situation and they will learn much from it.
You have a priceless situation and I hope that you are able to gain the balance and perspective you crave. Hugs!
Wow! Just got back from dad’s, snd read these remarks. It’s amazing how God answers prayers through voices i’ve never even heard. Thank you all for your encouragement and ideas. I needed to hear these; today especially, as I took care of dad (and his dog- gastritis; getting deer season leftovers from the woods, yuck!) I am ashamed I couldn’t “see” all the pros of a father as the lead teacher, as you have. That quote will be on the fridge in the morning to remind me to lighten up! It is so true I am jealous of him at times, and he equally feels awkward that he isn’t the primary ‘breadwinner’ as most husbands are (his work is seasonal, and can be scheduled for after school when he does work- another benefit my job does not allow). Thank you all for opening my eyes to the blessing my situation is, rather than a problem that needs to be “fixed”. My attitude needed to be fixed! Thank you!
You’ve gotten great advice! I’m sure it must be challenging to be working, taking care of your dad, and being concerned about homeschooling. It certainly is wonderful that your hubby has such a good heart about teaching!
I just wanted to mention that if there are things that you are concerned about getting done, and if homeschool planning is viewed as a joint effort (i.e. your hubby wouldn’t feel like you are stepping on his toes by offering suggestions!), maybe you could plan for your kids to be more independent in areas that you hope for more to be accomplished. I only say that because I know that sometimes for our family our most disciplined subjects are the ones the kids are responsible for on their own!! Your kids are at great ages to do a lot independently. My kids are 10 and 13 and this is our first year where they do science almost totally on their own. They have assigned readings to check off throughout the week. I keep a box of supplies for experiments and help as needed, but it’s up to THEM to get me when they need my help. I’m better about getting it done when they come to me for help, rather than it being on MY to-do list (sad, but true:) They need to complete their list before free time/electronic time, so are generally very good about finishing it and letting me know when I need to help them. We only do about 1- 1 1/2 hours of together stuff each day (plus some one-on-on in core subjects).
Oh, and I do agree that if things are going relatively well, I wouldn’t risk de-flating hubby over minor issues. Changes could be made when planning the new year, perhaps, if needed:) Just my .02! Gina
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