When someone you know miscarriages?

I have miscarried 6 times and I can honestly say that nothing anyone said ever made me feel better.  I always did appreciate a card, simple flower bouquet, etc. because the action helped me feel that others recognized it as the true loss that it really was.  In the early days of trying to have a baby I would say that any kind of scripture (and I’m a Christian) or what would seem like  words of encouragement just made me feel worse.  Don’t know why, it just did. Well, especially if it came from someone who had not a clue as to how I was feeling. And, honestly, some women deal with it pretty well.  I was a wreck, all the time. 

It took me a long time to have just one babe and now we have 3, yeah for us! But, now we’re done.  Pregnancy is too difficult and deliveries are c-sections; can’t do that again:(  So we’re blessed to have the ones we have.  And, although we have 3 and are super busy with these boys, I can recall with a word, song, movie, etc. the empty, frustrated, sad, sad, feelings I had 12 years ago.  I did miscarry between our 2nd and 3rd boy and that was almost as bad as the one’s before we had our first.  Go figure.  I thought I could handle it, but I was truly shocked/unprepared for the grief. Don’t be surprised if your friend finds herself experiencing grief at a later date.

  Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is: Don’t ignore it.  Send a card and ask God to give you the words to say and then just write it and mail it.  She will appreciate it and find comfort from it. 

This is a sensitive subject and I could go on for days, so I’d better call it a night…

I agree with the others on this one–a simple and caring card with a personal note.  It is OK to say you don’t know what to say, but that you’re there for her.  I miscarried at 13 weeks and although I WANTED to talk about it, everyone else acted like it never happened.  I know they just didn’t know how to talk about it, but all I wanted was a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on…I really didn’t need eloquent or life changing words, just a friend.  You are a good friend to want to help her.

I can’t add anything new… just wanted to reiterate that having someone to talk to and knowing that someone cares REALLY is the best thing.

Ah, yes, the words of comfort.  I had many “It just wasn’t meant to be” “When the time is right it will happen” ” The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away” “Relax, you’re just trying too hard” “When you least expect it, it will happen”.  I have family that can become pregnant and never experience miscarriages or infertility so of course they were no help.  I actually had my mil call with news of someone else’s pg, as if I cared.  And, when my sil was pg she (mil) just had to let me know that she WAS happy about this and nothing was going to change that.  Uh, okay, like I needed to hear that. Oh, and my fil was irritated that I was STILL upset about my miscarriages and wanted to know when I was finally going to get over it so we could all get on with life  On a side note: We have a good/repaired relationship now that I am thankful for, but that took time and effort!

I’m so glad that I’m not experiencing that anymore and that God did see fit to let my crazy body have babies.  But, I have to say that I feel blessed in some way to be able to relate to those experiencing it in their lives.  I can look at them and say whatever you’re feeling is what YOU’RE feeling and don’t let people make you feel bad for it.  And, that I have felt very crazy with grief so I don’t think any feeling is too much, well, except for babynapping, can’t go along with that one. 

God Bless you for being so concerned for your friend.  Like someone else mentioned, you’re a good friend:)

I don’t know that I have anything new to add – these ladies have all had wonderful insight. I myself have not miscarried, but two of my closest friends have and we have talked about it alot. One of our closest couple friends has had several miscarriages two of them at 18-20 weeks, the second of those being twins. The first one was when I was pregnant with my first son. When they miscarried their twins the husband was at our house (4 hours from his home) when she started to loose the babies and he left in the middle of the night. A few months later we found out we were pregnant with twins. It was hard both times for us to know what to say, especially as we were having babies as they were loosing them, but we didn’t ignore it. We continued to check on them and let them know we were praying for them. When we were at the doctor and found out we were having twins, they were the first people we called (before our parents) and they really appreciated that. We have cried with them and talked about the grief alot. We don’t pretend to understand because we don’t but I can say that our openness with each other has strengthened our friendships. They have since had a little girl who just turned 2 and they are expecting again, but have not made it past the crucial 20 week mark (for them). You won’t always find the perfect words, but do let her know you care and as much as she is willing and wants to talk about it talk with her. My friend told me the worst thing for her was when she could tell people were afraid to talk to her about it or wouldn’t talk about babies around her – it made her feel even more awkward. I know everyone is not the same and some people don’t want to talk about it at all – but I think you as a good friend will know the balance.