When is too soon to teach a meek and quiet spirit?

I have 2 thoughts.

One, I agree with Lindsey. My oldest DD (7) can definately have the crazies and is more in your face and loud.  I believe she has ADD, Visual Dyslexia and possibly an Auditory Disorder.  I, too, have to remind myself that I can’t expect too much of her.  I have to expect enough and try to train her, but I can’t expect perfection.  Lots of praise and encouragement goes a long ways.  We also just started a chore chart, that includes cheerfulness and respectfulness and will add other things as able/necessary.  She really wants those stickers at the end of the day and I think this is the first 3 days in a row that she has been so fun/easy to be with.  This is also our first week doing this. 

Two, my youngest DD is also 5.  She has always tended to be my more calm, quiet and obedient child.  I catch myself thinking of her as my sweet one.  Then I have to remind myself that DD7 is sweet also, she just takes a LOT more out of me.  DD 5 sailed through the 2’s with no problems 4’s and 5’s have been harder.  She gets upset easeir.  Has more fits.  Can get crazy and in your face.  Doesn’t wait for a response when asking a question before asking again.  I notice, though, that it tends to be related to tiredness.  DD7 quit naps when she was 3.  DD5 still takes them.  Sometimes she will lay quietly in bed for an hour and then I let her get up, but most days she will sleep for 30 minutes to an hour.  If she doesn’t get a rest/nap time then the afternoons and evenings are very HARD to deal with.  If your DD doesn’t have rest/nap time, could she be needing one?  My oldest used to take rest time with a story on and books to look at, but my youngest really needs to just lay in bed with the door shut and it quiet.

Hope that might help some.  And, no it is never to early to train them . . . the trick is just finding out what works for each kid!!

I agree with Lindsey on the 16 deep hugs a day.  My son’s (who has ADHD and Auditory Processing Disorder – under evaluation for Sensory Integration Disorder and Aspergers) therapist has also suggested to me to require myself to give my son at least 5 compliments a day and to focus on immediatley commenting positively on good behaviors.  I try to make sure that I focus as much as possible on complimenting the behaviors I want and if possible try not to reinforce the behaviors I do not want.  Sometimes, children want any type of reaction from parents – even if it is negative – and that reinforces the behavior, if the child is wanting attention.   The hugs, compliments, and focus on good behavior have been a life-saver for me.  I practice positive reinforcement anyway with my son, but when those “crazy” (I call them sensory meltdowns) times happen it is easy to forget how I want to parent.  

A lot of kids with ADHD are perfectionists (not saying your daughter has ADHD – just where I am) so if they begin to feel they cannot do everything right, they stop trying to do anything right.  I am sure this is true to some extent for non-ADHD children as well.  I would also say that for my son, while I did notice great sensitivity to loud sounds as a baby/toddler, I did not notice the typical ADHD behaviors until he started school (age 5).  I do not like having firm schedules because I put too much pressure on myself to follow it but, for my son, having a set time schedule for things to happen is important, as well as checklists for chores/hygeine items to complete.  Good behavior charts are great, too.  I know some parents have their kids lose stickers for bad behavior but we do not.  This helps tremendously if your child is at a place of discouragement or believes he/she can do nothing right.  It is amazing the power of a sticker.   I also would encourage you to pick a habit you want to change and work on that one habit until the behavior is under control.   I would encourage you to look at the following checklist if you believe there could be sensory problems:

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorder-checklist.html 

If you do feel there are sensory behaviors, I will tell you what works without fail for making an impact on my son’s “crazy” times.  Having a screen-free week.  It is hard to do, but removing the over stimulation that kids with sensory/ADHD behaviors experience with TV/computer/video is shocking.  The behavior changes are absolutley amazing.  It would require everyone in the family to be on board so no TV is on when the child can hear/see it.   I would encourage you to try it.  A large co-op in our area has tested this “no screen time” and every single family, regardless of LD or not, have experienced amazing behavior results.  At age 10, my son now knows that if his behaviors get out of control, that he will lose TV.  Using positive reinforcement, and making sure he is not over-stimulated, I rarely have to use any other behavior control other than the possibility of no screen time.

For my son having a designated quiet spot in our home has been great.  I know it seems counter-intuitive for a loud child but having a spot where the child can learn to go if they feel the “crazies” coming on works well for us.  For my son, we have a quiet reading corner in his room (next to a window, which is important for my son).  He has a big floor pillow, with books.  Teaching the child to self-assess their “crazy” times and remove themselves to calm down is important.  The quiet spot shouldn’t be a negative spot of time-out, but rather a positive tool to help the child regain control.  My son’s favorite thing is to read, so having books in that area that are of interest to him is important.   We also have a mini-trampoline in the living room, where if I sense a breakdown coming on – I quickly say “I bet you can’t jump on the trampoline for 5 minutes”, of course he can, but it distracts from the meltdown.  Lastly, I am a psych major, so I started using an anxiety attack trick for sensory meltdowns.  If things get out of control outside of the home, I send/take my son to wash his hands.  The sensory circuits used to wash the hands focus on touch, which can distract from the sensory meltdowns of sound/vision.  You, of course, have to teach the child to wash long enough (we do through Happy Birthday) and to help them focus on the sense of touch (i.e. feel how cold the water is, ask what does it feel like, etc.)  Once the child becomes self-aware, the time to re-focus is instictive for them. 

Hope some of this helps.  The sensory breakdowns (or crazies) we have mostly got a handle on, but we are in the battle of educating/learning now.  I think it is important for us to teach our children coping strategies for their meltdowns, in a positive way.  To this day, if my son begins to be overwhelmed, he goes to his quiet spot or starts to jump on the trampoline, or if not at home, goes to wash his hands.  I would only caution with the hand washing, to monitor, if your child starts showing compulsive behaviors.  My son does not think too highly of being clean =) so hand washing is not a compulsion.  FYI – Hygeine is on my son’s chore list!

Blessings,

Stephanie

It sounds like there are a lot of possiblities going on, but I second what Dana said about eating/sleeping changes.  My kiddos are really sensitive to their sleep schedule changing, if one missed a nap I knew they would be wired and then have night terrors that night.  Some of my children just need a nap about every 4th day, and you can see it in their behavior easily, the nap usually helps quite a bit.

My super sweet daughter also went through a year or two of what you are describing, just bouncing off walls and I couldn’t even really get her to focus on my face or slow down, and it was beyond normal disobedience (she also had a diaper area rash sometimes even though she was out of diapers) and I finally figured out it was red dye.  One week she had red jello while sick, then someone at church made red jello poke cake, and she had gummy worms she bought with her own money, and she was a mess.  I was thankful the Lord allowed her to have all the red that week because I had cut everything else out I thought was giving her the rash(dairy, acidic food, etc.)  I would sometimes give her a sucker at the store and within 30 minutes she’d be acting that way.  Once we cut that out she was a different child (still wild sometimes but at least can focus on me and what I’m saying).  It’s in so many things you wouldn’t think, even some biscuits that were just slightly yellow had it one time*I only went back to look because she had the rash again).  I’ve read that some children can be that way with chocolate and dairy as well.  Maybe since it’s 4:00 you could look at what she’s eating for lunch or even morning snack? 

Maybe it isn’t one of those issues, but it’s worth a look.  Praying for widom for you, Adrienne

LOL! About the clothes and shoes issue! I know it is not funny to you..but I can relate. My son does have sensory issues and he is also very analytical. Have you learned about the temperments? This has really helped us to know how our son thinks. I think your daughters behaviour and the way she thinks are two different things sometimes! 

My son has sensory overload therefore he cannot stand certain sounds, tastes, temperatures, and movements etc.. With sensory defecient child they seek out movement, laughter, tastes, sounds, etc.. I know you said that she doesn’t fit the bill when doing the checklist. But she doesn’t have to meet all the criteria! My son doesn’t meet all the criteria either.

As for the tempermants, my son is a meloncholy. He is very exact, analytical, moody, smart, trustworthy etc.. When you explained about her reactions to the clothes and shoes that is what I picture my son saying! Ha! He thinks and analyzes the situation and usually it is a negative reaction! Gee mom, why did you spend all that money and get all this stuff! I, on the other hand, am the opposite temperment and get so excited about things..sometimes rarely thinking things through!! I know the personalities really well due to my husband being meloncholy too! We had to learn about the tempermants to keep our relationship together! He just couldn’t understand me!! LOL!

As a meloncholy, they both have to have alone time. They are both negative and analytical. Both are moody! But there are strenghts of a meloncholy too! We all have strengths and weaknesses. If you don’t know anything about tempermants, a great book written by Marita Littaueur or Tim Layhaye(if it is still in print) are good choices!

And I encourage you to look up her love language, if you don’t already know it! My son’s love language is quality time.

So your daughter could be exhibiting slight sensory issues and have a meloncholy tempermant(or whatever tempermant she is) Different times bring different things out in her.

Also, when my other son turned between 5 and 6. He too was different from my sweet, calm, and laughing boy. He became irritated quickly, stubborn, and wild! I think it must be an age thing! I think he needs more exercise! He gets nutty sometimes and cannot sit still long for readings! He is just different from my oldest!

And we try to eat organic and pretty healthy here too. But have you checked about sensitivity to wheat/grains? Or even dairy? If my oldest, the one with sensory issues, has too much grains during the day he gets very moody! I know that some autistic children have been made better through a GF diet. I don’t know if that is the reason he is so moody with it. (he is not autistic, just saying that I think that it has an affect on some people) I have read that the intestines have an affect on depression and mood. We also give him a probiotic. If he goes without that for a while, he really is moody! And another thing you may want to try is a good Omega 3/6 supplement! This helps with the brain!

Anyhow, I hope that you can get your answers you are looking for! And I do think that her age has something to do with it! God Bless!

Just one other thought on the rest time.  My DD5 was only having a rest time with a story and books with her sister.  When I finally decided that something had to change and put her in her room, on her bed and told her to lay quietly for rest and I would check on her and tell her when she could get up, she suddenly started sleeping again and has been for months.  It surprised me that she was sleeping and almost everyday!!  If I were to turn a story or music on, she wouldn’t sleep.  Just thought I’d share in case you wanted to try a couple days with just quiet and see if she sleeps or not.

With my oldest DD7 I checked out a book at the library about ADD and was rather amazed at how much it sounded like her.  Google and read research on the internet.  At her well-child visit I talked with her Dr. and her doctor (with only seeing her once a year, ’cause they are rarely ever sick) definately didn’t shoot the idea down and is willing to pursue things further if I want to.  I still haven’t done any formal testing.  We are also living in two different places (3 hours apart) and are currently 3 hours from her doctor.  The doctor did order testing for me for wheat/dairy allergies.  It really needs to be the IgA testing.

If I think of more I’ll let you know . . . kids are done coloring . . . hubby is starting to dig through what I’ve started for lunch . . . I think I’d best go!!