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When company comes…
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Hi all,
My in-laws just left my house, and I’m totally frazzled by what went on with my children while they were visiting us. First, I knew it was going to be a short visit, and I explained this to my children (dd5.5 and ds almost 7) beforehand. My in-laws were simply passing through on their way to visit other family members and wanted to drop some small gifts off for my children. The main issue was with my dd. She began speaking in a silly, almost non-understandable voice, she kept bringing toys into the living room and asking my mother-in-law to play with her. That incited ds to bring toys in, which he subsequently dropped and made tons of racket. I reminded them both that Guh and Pops (what they call that set of grandparents) could not stay to play. I also told them that they had two choices: they could either sit quietly and visit with us in the living room, or if they wanted to play, they needed to go to their rooms so we could visit.
Ds got the point. Dd, on the other hand, did not. She immediately went into her room and came back out, wearing a ballerina tutu and then danced around the living room, demanding everyone’s attention. She then brought in her felt food and wanted to play restaurant with her grandmother. Meanwhile, I’m trying to calmly but firmly remind her that, if she wanted to play, she needed to do so in her room. So then she gets on the couch and starts wallowing all over the couch, standing on it, making herself a bridge from the couch to the coffee table. I’m remaining calm, but she never acts like that when it’s just our family. She knows that the couch is for sitting on and that standing, jumping, or whatever are never allowed. I had to keep sternly telling her that she was not acting like a young lady and she was being very rude her to grandparents and to me by acting this way.
I’m sure you get the point. My in-laws left, and of course I felt like I had absolutely no control over my own children. I am completely honest when I say that I never have this kind of issue with them when we don’t have visitors. And, I wouldn’t even consider my in-laws to be “visitors” because my children are around them a lot already. When we go to their house, they are perfectly content to play with the toys and dress-up costumes my mother-in-law keeps at her house and rarely show off or act like wild animals.
After they left, I explained to my dd how disappointed I was in her behavior. She could not give me an explanation for why she acted the way she did, other than “I just wanted to play.”
This experience has really opened my eyes to the fact that my children, specifically my dd, really might not know what to do with themselves when outsiders come into our home. We rarely have anyone over, so it is a treat to have a visitor. This just makes me never want to have company again because of how they have behaved.
Anyway, how can I avoid this situation in the future? Obviously, explanation of what I expect from them prior to company’s arrival didn’t work; and stern reminders and “bad” looks from me during the visit didn’t work either. What other options do I have? I want to nip this in the bud right now so that it is dealt with and so that I can feel better about people coming over.
We are constantly complimented at church, the hair dresser’s, in other’s homes, etc. about how well-behaved our children are. So why are they acting so horribly in our own home, where we rarely have behavioral issues?
Frazzled,
Lindsey
Waiting eagerly to hear your responses! We also are constantly complimented everywhere we go on our children’s behavior, but when someone comes to our house they pull out all the stops!
Lindsey, this happens to us too! I would like to know what to do! We don’t have visitors often either. But when they do, my kids are so excited they go nuts! Hmmm, maybe I need to invite more people over?
Mine too are pretty good. We get complimented too. I think my kids just love that someone is coming to see us. They want to be sure that they get the attention. And do so in a fast way..I guess because they feel they might have limited time?? I too get frustrated. And have discussed this with them. Same as you.
I guess it is that “me” mentality kids sometimes have. I am sure your children are very well behaved, as you stated. I think the excitement of it all is overwhelming. Adding in that you told them that they were not going to stay long, gave them reason(not a good one to us) to go nuts and quickly try to engage their grandparents in play.
It is like they are saying, “Look at me, play with me, see what I can do! And do all of this before you go!” I have no advice! Just thought I would sympathize!
Maybe I need to have more people over..that might help us! I am thinking as I write! Maybe a real good friend that we can “practice”on!
I feel like I’ve read this topic on this forum before – That’s the good news! – It’s not just you! The bad news is… it’s not just them!
I have that same five year old. I have to deal with her immediately when she starts showing off for guests. So depending on the infraction, she may have to be sent to her room for the remainder of the visit or taken away for another punishment. I think the most effective plan is to duct tape them to a chair.
OK, back to seriously, I’ve also read somewhere about inviting over “trial” guests, letting them know that you are working on improving your daughter’s behaviour, so they do not mind when you repeatedly remove her from the room. Like-minded families, and preferably even a mother with well-behaved grown children (to give you coaching tips) are ideal. But it sounds like your sweetheart (just like mine) is willing to go just as far as you’ll let her. If you haven’t read Raising Godly Tomatoes – I think she’s also got several examples on how to tomato stake in such situations.
Blessings,
Rebekah
Hi Lindsey,
Just wanted to let you know that your dd is not alone. My boys have done this many a times. Its very common for her to want the attention and adoration of Grandma & Grandpa or visitors. I may be a bit layed back regarding this issue, but as long as you are not having problems in other areas, I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m sure “Guh & Pops” didn’t mind and it most likely bothered you more than it did them. I think the hardest part about our children acting that way when we have visitors, is that it makes us feel less than perfect as parents – messes with our pride a bit (not saying this is true of you just my area of struggle). She will grow out of it and soon you’ll be looking back with fond memories of the pink tutu & dancing. I don’t mean to minimize you being frazzled; I’m just noticing how quickly our dc grow and how fast they pass from one phase to the next & trying to enjoy every minute of it.
Blessings ~ Heather
Glad to know I’m not alone in this…
I honestly don’t know if Guh and Pops minded or not. I’m not worried about being a perfect parent in front of them though. My in-laws are like my own parents. I feel very comfortable being totally myself around them. Whether or not my in-laws cared about how my dd was acting, I care. Even if they felt she wasn’t being rude or distracting to them, she was disobeying and disrespecting me because I asked her not to act that way.
We have talked about the importance of good manners in our house a lot. Manners are to make others comfortable and to be considerate of others feelings. I don’t feel that my children, especially dd, were considerate of my in-laws’ desire to visit and just be with us today. Today’s situation happens at varying levels of severity whenever anyone comes to visit. Today was just an extreme of the worst.
While many of us are not alone (thankfully, because at least I feel normal now), I would still love to hear practical, heat-of-the-moment ways to get past this behavior.
I do cherish the pink tutu and dancing and show-and-tell of toys and things. If this is a phase, we’ve been in it since birth because I’ve always had this frustration. We will talk about how things could have been done differently after our company leaves, but the next time anyone comes over, the vicious cycle repeats. We’ve been reading Little House, and so many times in each book the concept of “children are to be seen and not heard” is emphasized. I, however, DO NOT agree with that philosophy; although after today, I thought about adopting it. LOL
I want my children to learn to engage in conversation with visitors, to be willing to listen and sit while a visitor shares with our famiily, not to run amuck and play show-and-tell and act silly the entire time. I guess that’s what I’m asking…practical ways to welcome the children into the atmosphere of guests and company without making them feel like they just have to sit and be quiet.
Though this isn’t practical advice, I wonder if it has much to do with age. You said your ds seemed to get it and he’s obviously older. If I remember right, my older two boys didn’t really sit and converse with visitors until around 8. They are now almost 11 & 16 and sit quietly with all eyes and ears when visitors are over; However, my 3yo is a different story :). Again, I didn’t mean to trivialize your dilemma, dear – forgive me.
Oh no, Heather…not trivialized at all!
Ds is older, yes, so that may have something to do with it. Although my ds has always been my “more obedient one”. Dd marches to the beat of her own drum, sometimes a little too much. Dd knows how to obey and does so very regularly, though not always. She just got excited today and it tripped a live wire in her, I guess. I just want to know how to handle this in the future, ie:
- Give a big pep talk prior to guest’s arrival: “Ok sweetie, we’re having so-and-so over. Remember that you may show them one thing out of your room, and then you either need to stay in your room and play. Or, you may join us quietly in the living room.”
- Wait until guest’s arrival and see how things go.
- If behavior gets out of hand, how many times to remind children of proper behavior before sending them to their room to await a later punishment for disobedience and disrespect.
See what I mean? I just don’t know what the best route to take for future issues. I want people to come to our home. I want to have more company in the future. I want my children to be able to follow my lead to make our guests comfortable and at ease in our home. I don’t want them to feel like their entertainment is necessary, unless the guest specifically says something like, “So, what sort of toys are you playing with now?” or “Can you show me how to play your favorite game?”
Please don’t think I didn’t think your point was valid. It was! It’s just that I expect my children to rise to the occasion. If, at four years old, she can memorize entire chapters of the Bible, I think she should, at 5.5, be able to settle down and have good manners when we have company in our house. I know she’s capable. It’s just tapping into her willpower that I’m having difficulty with, I guess.
This is extremely normal behaviour. I can’t say that I’ve solved this totally…. but here is what I’ve done…
I give the kids a few minutes to get some attention from the guests (this obviously depends on the guest…) most people I know that come over know (and have been warned). They get a couple of minutes to say what they would like to say, and also to play a violin song. My main guests are kind and patient enough (and usually interested in the violin play) to allow this… the children then feel “heard” and are more willing to behave afterwards…. allowing us to visit better.
And, as another mom suggested – having some practice visits with people who are visiting to give you an opportunity to “train” the kids. They aren’t coming expecting to actually get any real visiting in… and you can continue to put your child back in their rooms etc.
I can’t say this has made my kids perfect on this… But it has helped. That said, there is nothing like standing at the door, signing a package from the post-office, and having kids trying to tell the postman things like “I got my badge in swimming!”… LOL
My girls act the SAME way! 🙂 My ODD was always the ring leader since she is our comedian and loves attention. Since she is almost 8 she has calmed down a bit so her sisters follow her lead, and we have more peaceful visits (they are only loud if their older sister is). Good advice Suzukimom. 🙂 I do remind them to not act start getting loud the moment someone walks through the door, or else they’ll have to go to their room. I explain how people are here to visit, not play with them. lol
Tara
Just wanted to bump this up to see if anyoe else had some brilliant advice for those of us who struggle with our littles during visitors’ time at our homes…
Tap, tap…is this thing on?
We do have guests often and I do expect my boys to settle down and not interrupt, etc. That being said, it’s exciting to them to have guests over and they do usually want some attention and want to show off. I tell them before the guests get here what is expected, they may show them something, and then they are to play in their rooms or sit with us. This usually means that the guests are taken on a tour of their room (especially if it’s the first time they’ve been to our house), shown a “feat” of some sort, and then they will settle down and behave better. Occasionally we might have a guest over that doesn’t really know what to do with children or is uncomfortable around them and I spare them the “first act” as we jokingly call it. All this say what works best for us is the let them get their attention out of the way, if that makes sense. I don’t want them thinking they always come first, but at this age (mine at 6.5, 5, and 3) I think they are getting that the guests are usually here to visit with mommy and daddy and are not here to simply “play” with them.
Oh, and I forgot to add, that certain guests tend to get them more riled up than others and grandparents are one of those. My MIL usually wants to do nothing but play in their room with them, but if I’m trying to visit with my parents, I let them get that initial excitement out of the way and they show them “new” things or whatever. Then, I will say something like “now, please let us talk for a little bit and then if we have time, we’ll play some in a little while.”
VERY common problem in our house too 🙂 to the point that sometimes we dread the grandparents coming! BUT over time here is what has helped us (I’m in a bit of a rush, so I haven’t read all the previous posts – I hope I’m not repeating): I do give mine a pep talk beforehand – we talk about what struggles we’ve had in the past (mostly demanding attention and being disobedient and knowing it – pushing the boundaries), we role play what to do in these common situations that normally spiral into bad situations and come up with “what to do when….” (I have found many times that when my kids are overstimulated, especially with excitement, they can’t “think” themselves into the right attitude, and really just don’t know how to get themselves together – they need to be taught “what” to do), we have in the past had a “secret word” that I will use to remind them that they are doing the wrong thing – they think that’s neat because then it isn’t so naggy but a fun secret code between us. And one thing that has helped is that I have had some talks with my parents (my kids are the worst when they are here) and explained why them obeying was important and how the things they were doing were disrespectful (I don’t think my parents recognized this) and asked them to try to help out and encourage the kids to calm down more, tell them no some, etc. All that to say, these things have helped but it is a slow process. As with every big issue that we go through (attitude-wise mostly) with our kids, we have to remind ourselves that sanctification is a slow process – we (the parents) didn’t get it overnight, there are still things I struggle with that i have for many years, and God is very patient and long suffering with me so I need to have reasonable expectations for my kids too – it takes time.
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