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when a crazy lifestyle becomes a habit
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While our family has had several reasons our life has been crazy (dh self-employed part-time/working part-time; the busy times of his work; high risk pregnancy; new baby; additional family living with us temporarily etc…) all of which made life a challenge and sometimes something just to get through – with the exception of dh work schedule, none of them apply to the extent they once did and it finally dawned on me this morning that it’s become a habit for our family to function in crisis mode or survival mode or whatever else you want to call it. We run from one problem to another, putting out one fire only to have another one start up. One thing after another is behind and requires a massive effort to get caught up on which means everything else is skipped and then something else becomes a crisis….and here we go again… The only thing that stays on track is homeschooling and church.
Time mangement/clutter/mess have been an ongoing problem the last couple years and I just can’t take it anymore! I’m not trying to point fingers, but of the two of us, I am the naturally organized one, I can’t stand clutter it drives me nuts. My husband is a packrat (his own admisson) – we had a conversation this morning as we were getting ready to leave the house…I said how I couldn’t believe how messy I let things get, and worse how I just don’t seem to care anymore, which is out of character for me. He agreed, which surprised me. Usually messes don’t phase him much and he has in all of our years of marriage only once pointed out something he thought I should change. (He says I am hard enough on myself without him adding to it.) Our children are really too young to take over large responsiblitlies in the home, I can’t turn them loose entirely on laundry for example, but they certainly can help more than they do. They are forming bad habits (not picking up after themselves) because of our choatic lifestlye.
I guess where I am going with this is that I’ve let myself get discouraged and living this way has become a habit for me. There! I admitted it. I’ve been reading the section on changing a bad habit in Laying Down the Rails and the post on the SCM blog “Even in Mature Life” this afternoon. Here’s part of the blog post:
An attractive idea—one that seizes your imagination and spotlights your goal—is crucial to your success at forming a new habit. Just having someone tell you what you should do is not the same as having an idea grip you. That compelling idea is what will make the necessary actions worthwhile.
I think what I really need an IDEA, something beyond staying on a schedule for the sake of the schedule, or cleaning because it “should” be done, because even having company over isn’t as motivating anymore. Being organzied and clean for the sake of being organized and clean isn’t very inspriring when you do it alone and then have to redo it over and over again, because it doesn’t seem matter to anyone else. (Boy did that sound like a big whine.) Something to help me when I feel like the Lone Ranger of things organized, peaceful, on time, and so on. I can’t change my dh work schedule, but I can change me. I can change my housekeeping habits and train our children. So, anywhere to find a great big fat IDEA?
I have one–a poem I clipped out of a magazine years ago:
Lord of all pots and pans and things, since I’ve not time to be
A saint by doing lovely things or watching late with Thee,
Or dreaming in the dawning light, or storming Heaven’s gates,
Make me a saint by getting meals and washing up the plates.
Although I must have Martha’s hands, I have a Mary mind,
And when I black the boots and shoes, Thy sandals, Lord, I find,
I think of how they trod the earth, each time I scrub the floor,
Accept this meditation, Lord, I haven’t time for more.
Warm all the kitchen with Thy love and light it with Thy peace,
Forgive me all my worry and make my grumbling cease.
Thou who didst love to give men food, in room or by the sea,
Accept this service that I do . . . I do it unto Thee.
I don’t really love doing all the things for a beautiful home, and by many of your standards mine is probably not nearly clean, orderly or nice looking enough. I’ll certainly never be in House Beautiful. I’d really rather be reading. But though I DO have a Mary mind, my family needs Martha hands sometimes. 🙂 BUT when I think of making an offering to the Lord by my labor, when I think that He looks and sees each little thing I do to make my home more pleasant for my family, then I am inspired to offer Him my best effort. May not be as good as someone else’s best effort, but I give it to Him, and to my family, whether they ever notice or not, because I *KNOW* that He sees me and sees my efforts, done with love, and records it in heaven.
I have been in your shoes more than once. So, I’ll agree with you that it is crazy. Have you ever read a quote by Albert Einstein, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” so, since crazy doesn’t make you happy, do those things that will result in sanity instead. I’d start with a set bedtime for the kids and yourselves. No one can stay motivated to do the necessary when over tired. Just that one small thing (I say it’s small, but it’s based on consistency, so it might feel big for a while) can do wonders in strengthening your stamina to make more changes. Ask Him to give you the courage to turn things around by implementing a set time to rest in order to do what He needs you to do the next day.
Sonya’s reminder that CM encouraged teachers NOT to stay up planning is wise. You are much better off just turning the page in the mornin unprepared than not turning it at all with a pretty plan written out, but not followed. Decide to get up before the others, pray and ask for His plan for your day in the beginning. It may be as little as simplifying meals to ease the flow of the day. Or, it could be to make the bed and help your children make theirs daily until they can demonstrate their abort to do it unassisted. That means it is close to a habit for them and only needs observation until it is automatic. Nothing calms a bedroom more than a nicely made bed. Clutter doesn’t look as much like clutter. ;0)
I’m hoping just a little if this can bring encouragement to you. Some things may continue to be beyond your control, but those that you can change cam slowly bring back your happiness. I’m hopeful for you.
One last quote: “Start by doing what’s necessary, then what’s possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” -Francis of Assisi
Blessings,
Becca<><
I have been thinking about this a lot for myself. Where to even start with getting my family and home in some kind of order. We have been dealing with the urgent for 6 months since we moved in December and completely gutted and remodeled our old home to sell while I homeschooled 4 children, a couple of them pretty young and DH continued with full time job and a few extra ones. Needless to say this is not the life I want to lead so now I have to decide how to proceed to getting back to normalcy.
I believe that getting my home in order will take precedence over school. I was gone a lot and though my oldest pulled his weight, having been trained earlier, the others have not been trained to help so much and even if they do stuff it’s not usually done well due to my not having had time to train them and inspect their work.
We have ditched school for a time, I hope short, to focus on the home and instilling good habits. I don’t know if that is an option for you or not but for me I was thinking I need to get some of my life running smoothly before I add more to do. If it is running smoothly, chore time, meal times, and obedience issues then adding school won’t be such a burden and we should be able to accomplish it without everything falling apart and hopefully it will make the future more productive. That’s my idea at least. I guess I can’t tell you how it works out until next year, maybe. 🙂
Hopefully you will get your idea.
I teared up, thanks for that really BIG IDEA Bookworm!
I’m sure your home is much more peaceful and orderly than mine. Chances are you didn’t wake up to no milk, get dressed out of a laundry basket, were late for church, hoped you had enough gas to get home because there was no money in your wallet, find a forgotten toad in a observation jar on the porch (he was still alive thank goodness and returned to the yard) and then fish a cowboy toy out of a plate of peanut butter following lunch. Which is not horrible really, in the grand scheme of things, it’s just that is the standard day around here. I’m not pregnant, we’re not moving, everyone’s healthy, there’s nothing out of the ordinary happening right now, no changes – there’s really no rhyme or reason for it -other than this has become normal.
I’d like to be able sit down to meals without clearing off the table multiple times a day, not look at the calendar and panic because a bill is due today, and have everyone be able to find their shoes when we need to leave the house. I’d like to be able to welcome my aunt into the house when she unexpectly drops off tomato plants instead of running outside to talk to her in the driveway, because I am too embrassed to have her in my kitchen. These seem like realistic and achievable standards…I did several years ago, go through something (unrelated to my post) that made me question my motives and priorties and really made me stop to think about why I approached my life as I did. I decided I was tired of putting so much pressure on myself and the things I was striving after weren’t as important as I thought. It was sucking the joy of life away, and I guess that’s what’s happening now too. As Becca said, living like this is sucking my happinesses away – my mother even commented about how irritable I’ve been lately. I think I my tolerance level for clutter is lower than others, including some of my own family. I’d much rather be living life than being cross about piles of dishes and laundry and toys.
Thank you both for your posts, they were EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
BUT when I think of making an offering to the Lord by my labor, when I think that He looks and sees each little thing I do to make my home more pleasant for my family, then I am inspired to offer Him my best effort. May not be as good as someone else’s best effort, but I give it to Him, and to my family, whether they ever notice or not, because I *KNOW* that He sees me and sees my efforts, done with love, and records it in heaven.
…quote by Albert Einstein, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” so, since crazy doesn’t make you happy, do those things that will result in sanity instead.
Thank you Becca for understanding! And I needed the reminder to go to bed on time, I’ve been staying up too late and I’m really more of a morning person, so late nights goof me up completely. It’s nice to feel like it’s “okay” to want things be picked up (a relative once declined staying at my home because they thought I liked things too neat for them to be welcome, which really hurt!) it’s a funny thing, most people even if they could care less about clutter or messes, like homes to be comfortable with things easy to find. Thank you for being hopeful for me, I am going to bed and will print off Bookworm’s poem tomorrow.
I have to add I understand that the cleaning and such is not anything I can get excited about doing. No matter how often I tell myself of it’s usefulness, blah blah blah, it still feels like drudgery to me. That being said, the reason it’s important to me is so that I can be productive doing other things. I want to get all this housework done quicker so I have more time for books, and walks, and whatever else life has to offer. It is hard when your children are little because the home upkeep and child upkeep is so continuous but it is worth it in the end. That is hard to believe sometimes though. 😉
I want to add, and I’m sure Bookworm and others could chime in here, that looking at things from this side with children all over 10 at this point, that the time that I spent working on putting things up and keeping a tidy home made a huge difference in how my children approach the same chores even now. Attitude is caught much more than taught, so even if for the sake of not putting road blocks in front of our children as they will be, God willing, an adult who will need to care for his or her own space, it is so worth it to work on our own attitudes toward keeping house. And to the motivational side of that, the poem Bookworm posted is excellent, IMHO.
Praying that we would all have Martha hands and Mary hearts.
~jacqleene
Oh Boy! You have described our life down to the high risk pregnancy and baby. I wish I could give you a specific link, but I’m in crisis mode, but please look at the blog of Sallly Clarkson. I Take Joy (I believe it’s called). She posted something recent that really inspired me. In loose summary, she was saying that in creating order in our homes, we are imitating our Heavenly Father. And that as we create order and bring beauty and peace to our homes we are making room for Him to show up and work. Also, even in the mess, it’s worth celebrating and preparing our hearts and homes for the presence of Christ and acknowledging that He is here and involved in our lives. It also helps me to “practice hope” as a friend shared and be on the look out for how He is working in our lives.
In the nitty gritty, my olders school on their own. I give them a book list for different subjects that they read and do written narrations on. We do Teaching Textbooks, so more tears and they love math again. For my younger one, she sticks to the 3R’s and audio books. We are taking time off to de-clutter before August. Actually, we are doing it now as we have found we have rotted wood floors in two of our bedrooms so far so we’ve had to do some major re-arranging, decluttering and work in our home.
I spent so long longing for our schooling to look like it did a few years ago with all of us schooling together and leisurely afternoons spent with tea and read alouds. I don’t have that life anymore and I can’t recreate it in this season, so I need to focus on making a “new” normal, that keeps the kids schooling even if I’m unavailable. My dh has also stepped up and does Bible and a read aloud at night on many nights. Audio books have been really helpful. It’s a good day if I’ve read my Bible and had my youngest read to me and me to her, and I get to my laundry. My expectations have really changed but it won’t be like this forever, and it won’t ever be like it used to be, so I look to the Lord each day for direction and guidance and try to be faithful to what I can do. Then I fail and beg forgiveness and start over in faith….several times a day.
I felt like I was reading my own words for the most part. Our family has moved 13 times in the last 8 years and we are not military that gets everything packed and unpacked for us. These moves have included 5 states and 2 across the continent and back moves. We have been in our current home for 8 months and by God’s grace my husband’s contract will carry on and we will be here a while. But currently my husband and I are in counseling because we DO NOT know how to not live in survival mode. I have had vitiligo since I was 3. It is an auto immune disorder in which your body attacks your melinin. Up until the last 4 years I only had spots on my body and not I am closing in on albino status – literally. Stress!!! We are struggling as well. Our struggles are not the same as yours – we are down to the bare minimum on things we own – makes moving cheaper and more simple. But I get the living in survival mode.
So I write to encourage you in that you are not alone. Our wonderful marriage has been extrememly rocky and when our counselor ask us what we fight about we both answered silly things that are meaningless. We are just both stressed to the max and now we feel we have room to breathe and we don’t know how.
I will be vulnerable here and share that my big idea came a few months ago from my very wise and insightful 8 year old who came to us and ask to talk with us. He basically challenged us on being people of our word. Letting our yes be yes and no be no. He said sometimes you say things will be one way and something happens and that changes. Humbling!!!
So I don’t have a big idea for you. But I can encourage you that others are walking this journey too and that God is meeting me in my struggle. I have trying to consistenly have a Sabbath day every week and a Sabbath hour or so every day. My body needs rest and my family needs my body to be healthy – so rest it is. Pick one thing – it won’t all change over night.
I think you are wise to want to start with the big idea before tackling the individual tasks/habits in your home. “Where there is no vision the people parrish.” Below are some of my very favorite inspiration books on the subject of homemaking/household tasks. These books aren’t really “how-to” type books (as in charts, lists, etc) but rather paint the big picture of how full and beautiful our family culture can be and how that can be reflected in our physical households. That vision is what motivates me when it comes to the nitty-gritty and makes it all worth it :o)
Keeping House
For the Family’s Sake
Splendor in the Ordinary
The Hidden Art of Homemaking
I’m not sure a thank you is adequate, but there isn’t really another word -THANK YOU!!! It means a lot to me personally to feel like I am understood, so thank you all for understanding. Thank you for your kindness and taking time out of your day to post a reply, for sharing hope that things can be different, and more than one IDEA!
Wow this is quite a timely post for me to read…..I could have written most of everything already mentioned. I feel like my life came to a crashing halt mid-April when a friend stopped me on my rather busy day and asked me..”tell me WHY do you homeschool again??” Wow, nothing like that question to stop me in my tracks! The answer, like for many of us, is simple and complex at the same time. But for me, I realized life was more complex and I was trying sooooo hard for it to be simple and failing miserably and only just then realized it.
In contrast to some of the others, I hadn’t even realized that our lifestyle had become crazy, much less a habit, but apparently everyone else had and were trying to tell me. Of course I didn’t listen at first….until my friend asked my that question and I burst to tears on the spot! I wasn’t even sure why I was crying 🙂 So, after the meltdown, I started to soul search and pray about it…..it went far beyond that telling question, and I felt like God was using her to help me come to a screeching halt LOL! Funny who he puts in your way for you to finally see the message, right?
So I began to de-clutter. Mercilessly. I had a garage sale and donated tons of things to Goodwill. Now looking around me, all the remainig piles of clutter are waiting to go into those newly organized areas. So I thought….well, this should be easy to put away slowly in my free time. What was I thinking? Free time?!
We homeschool year round and yesterday was supposed to be the beginning of our new year….but God showed me that I couldn’t start yet. I HAD to finish what I started or I would be back in the same place I began in no time. So school is delayed until the clutter is gone, and the discipline within the family to help me keep our home this way is firmly on it’s way. I want to simplify and be. Be for myself, be for my girls, be for my husband, and mostly to be for God. I thank Him each day for showing me that I alone do not struggle with this and it’s ok to hit the “reset” button on life if you have to. I also thank Him for showing this to me NOW rather than later and allowing me to live the life I pray and wish to have 🙂
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