Name: Thrive! NCHE Homeschool Conference
Start: 2025-05-22T00:00:00-05:00
End: 2025-05-24T23:59:59-05:00
Location: Winston-Salem, NC

Tagged: complaining, lazy, not ready, too much pushing

This topic has 8 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 1 month ago by Kristen.

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)

Author
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March 17, 2015 at 12:00 pm
Julia
Participant
I am having a difficult time with my 5 year old. He is very smart. Very capable of learning and understanding but chooses not to, I feel. He is very, very dependent and I do not know how to make him independent. For example, he asks for help in everything: building legos, wiping his bum, putting clothes on, even sometimes ‘feed me mommy’. I feel he should be reading by now but he hates me even pointing out one word to him when I am reading, because ‘he likes it when I read to him only’. He knows his alphabet, he learned it at 3 and loved it. He knows how to read basic words (3 letter words). I do not understand if he is just being lazy and this is a lack of character and I just need to push him so that he is not lazy or he needs more time? He also gives up very easy on everything, something doesn’t work, he will not keep on it, he will just start whining and say he can’t do it and that would be it. So then I would have to come and do it for him while he is watching. He whines, complains, and is ungrateful for the time I spend with him every day reading to him and trying to teach him anything through games. I say ungrateful because he thinks I am supposed to do that and doesn’t appreciate my ‘own’ time. Please help me to understand? It all comes down to ‘I don’t want to’ vs ‘I am unable to’. How do I deal with this? I want him to be an independent individual but he is growing into a whiny dependent child! It has to be a very very fun game for him or I will not get anything out of him. I mean, life is not all about fun and games. I should be able to sit down with him for 10 min and read few words or build words or just something simple. But he hates word building… or really anything that would require him to work on things. Thank you all
PS. I read to him at least 5 books per day. And he ALWAYS wants more.
March 17, 2015 at 4:17 pm
Angela
Participant
I’m going to think on this this for a while (and see if anyone else replies, too.) I have a 5.5yoDD so I’m rather alongside you. Will be back later this evening.
March 17, 2015 at 6:48 pm
Julia
Participant
Thanks for your reply, Angela. I have been thinking too and some days I just feel overwhelmed with the thoughts if I am actually doing him any good by catering to his wants. Maybe I am wrong, I do not know. No replies from anyone else yet, so I am hoping!
Mine is 5.3
March 17, 2015 at 7:06 pm
Karen
Participant
Three of my girls went through a phase around age 5 where they wanted me to feed them, take them to the potty, etc. All those things that they had done on their own for a little while. I refused to feed them, plain and simple. I did go with them to the bathroom (for “number two” only) to help wipe, just in case they were not doing a proper job. For some other things, I simply told them I’d work along side them. (“You do this, while I do this right next to you.”)
As far as asking him to read – I don’t think I would. I would continue reading to him as much as you can (which might be 5 books some days and only 1 book on other days). You can switch to audio books — both the longer ones he’d be ready to listen to (Stuart Little, etc.) and the shorter ones (ding – turn the page-type).
And I think I’d stop trying to teach him – even through games. Honestly, my 5yo is understanding and doing more math than any of my other girls, simply because she’s trying to do what they’re doing. (Measuring this and counting this up, etc.)
If your son is an only child, or only learning child, I really think I’d just skip the “teaching games” and focus on developing his listening skills (by you reading aloud or audio books) and playing games with him. I mean playing real games (cards, board games, memory, Guess Who, skip-bo, uno, etc.) Just for fun — and hold back from explaining things to him unless he asks you “why?”. He might like banagrams — not necessarily to play the “real” game, but to mess around and make up words. You can just make up your own game rules and play with him.
But I’d stop overtly teaching him and let him learn from what’s going on around him…..allow him to make his own connections and form his own relationships.
If the ingratitude / bad attitude thing persists, you can address that as a separate issue. (Whenever the bad attitude comes, you deal with it, but hopefully it will not come while you’re snuggling and reading or while you’re playing a game with him.)
Really, since he’s so young, he’ll just learn while he’s playing.
Best wishes!!! I hope I don’t sound like I have it all together! We still have our nasty moments in this house *L*. (My 5th grader seems incapable of doing her own work on her own!!)

March 17, 2015 at 7:08 pm
suzukimom
Participant
Ok, I don’t have a lot of time and would need to think more…. (I’m also assuming this is an only child?)
1. – I wouldn’t work on any school stuff at all at this point.
HOWEVER
I would work on these items, and on habit training.
For example, he asks for help in everything: building legos, wiping his bum, putting clothes on, even sometimes ‘feed me mommy’.
At age 5, I would just stop doing any of these things for him. You should never do for a child something he is capable of doing for himself.
Anyway, that is my quick answer.
March 17, 2015 at 8:16 pm
curlywhirly
Participant
Hello Julia,
I think 5yo is very young especially for a boy and I would encourage you to let him play and not try to get him learning through games or lessons or anything else. CM herself recommends six full years of growing and learning through playing, especially outdoor play. I don’t know if it is spring time enough yet where you live but just getting outside every day if you can and spending the afternoon running and playing and looking at bugs, climbing trees and chasing butterflies is so wonderful at this age. They learn so much just living and playing, and they have time for the physical and cognitive development to get into sync. before tackling academics.
Being “smart enough” is only a small part of being ready for formal lessons. Developmental readiness ie able to sit still, able to physically turn the page, manipulate the pencil, etc are much more important IMO and sometimes slow to come along especially in boys. I know my 6yo son is not ready to read yet but we are enjoying books and learning letter sounds and building blocks and legos and things right now. I think he may be a mechanical engineer when he grows up. 😉
When I started formal lessons- kids sit next to me and do word building or copywork, etc we started with 2 minutes at a time. My daughter who is VERY active and distractable is just turning 7yo this week and is up to about 10 minutes per lesson now. I try to stop lessons before she loses interest. My son who is not quite so active or distractable has just turned 6 and is doing some formal lessons, but no more than 5 minutes and less if he loses interest. My goal at this time is more to woo them and help them fall in love with learning than it is to get through a specific curriculum or to check off a certain skill set that I think they should have by now.
At times both my kids do many of the same things you describe, giving up when it doesn’t go perfectly, asking for help on simple things, etc. For us, sometimes it comes from being afraid to disappoint mom. Sometimes it comes from a need to feel loved and cared for. Other times it comes from the child’s own perfectionism run amok. Obviously each of those issues requires a different response from me. If you can discover why your son is doing these things it will be clearer how to respond to help him stop these undesirable behaviors.
As for the gratitude and empathy parts of your post- he is young and it can be taught. I wouldn’t expect my young ones to be grateful I took care of them or spent time with them, thats just what Mommies do. However I do teach them over time by setting appropriate boundaries. “Mommy will help you in five minutes” or “No, you can’t come in the bathroom when I am going potty”. etc. And then pay attention to them with a happy attitude because I want them to know I love them and enjoy them. I also require please and thank you- the form will come before the attitude. Thats OK they are little and thats how they learn.
There are many years ahead for independence and getting things accomplished. These years when they are little and need us fly by~ treasure it while you can.
March 18, 2015 at 7:07 am
JenniferM
Participant
Excellent advice above. I second everything CurlyWhirly said.
Enjoy reading good books to him, go outside as much as possible, and say “no” when “no” is appropriate (feeding him, etc.). You could introduce some art supplies such as paints, play dough, colored pencils for times when you can’t go outside, but let him explore with them rather than telling him exactly how to do it.
If he is your first child or only child, it can be easy to think he should be doing “more” academically, especially when you look at other children in traditional schools. However, you will find that following a less intense approach to academics in the early years will provide a more well rounded education in the long term.
On another note, if he knows his alphabet (I believe you stated so originally), he may like to learn how to write his own name. He could practice this with magnet letters at first, then tracing on paper, drawing in the sand, until he is comfortable doing it on his own. For some reason, I felt more at ease when my son could recognize and write his own name when he was on his own at Sunday School or other church classes. I suppose that is pride on my own part, but I feel like it kept skepticism from others at bay.
March 18, 2015 at 11:18 am
mrsmccardell
Participant
Now is also a good time to hang a net-type bag full of useful things a bird can use to make a nest. Things like string, straw, shredded brown bag, etc. Place near your window along with a bird feeder and start observing next to him. They even have books for tracking what bird you saw with sticker. You write for him but this can show him how to use the bird book to look up by oolor, etc. This observation is also teaching him patience, sitting still, etc. Those skills are useful when formal lessons come.
Fyi the sticker book we have is by Sy Barlowe Beginning Birdwatchers Book.
I also consider this time as mommy-training to some degree. It was for me!
March 18, 2015 at 9:54 pm
Kristen
Participant
All my children went through a stage where they wanted me to help them get dressed etc even though I knew they could do it on their own. I just helped them (maybe not with everything but…). I knew it wouldn’t last forever and eventually they won’t want any help. Also I think 5 is young (especially if he doesn’t want to) to have him reading yet. The other ladies all gave good advice on that so I won’t repeat.
Enjoy each day to its fullest!