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Weddings question
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Ok.. so I have a nagging feeling and I was looking to others for there opinion. I am going to just write this as notes so you understand as much as I can tell but quickly while the kids are doing copywork!!
Long time friend for over 20 yrs is getting married. Wedding is 1 week after due date. Asks me to read a reading which I agree to. We get together about 3 times a year with her parents we are very close. Her parents are 3 of my childrens god-parents (we’re Catholic). During our last dinner date they casually mention that they don’t think they can have kids attend the wedding. (which I’m not for but what ever) At that point I ponder how I am going to find child care for 6 children who have just had a new baby introduced into the family (more for the 18 mo old who will be facing the biggest challange), oh baby can come I am told. Also, I am expected to attend the rehearsle the night before. That means child care 2 nights in a row. (Still don’t have this and it’s a month away)
Next part. Invites come and my mom (who went with on our quarterly you could say dinner date and heard about the no kids thing) calls and says “hey it don’t say no kids they must have changed there mind”. Which is exactly what my dh and I were thinking. So just because of the talk already I eamil her and ask. She states that only immediate family will be able to bring kids.
Ah.. but how will others know this there is nothing mentioned? Also, what is immediate family? To me that’s your brothers/sisters. Bride this doesn’t affect and brother does have 2 neices/nephews. So am I wrong, just miss understanding something, or making this to mean more. Is it because I have 6 children? I know they love our family but I’m feeling like they are really just telling me no kids, because if I was just to get this invitation I would assume they were invited send it back and bring them to the wedding.
Can anyone shed any thoughts? Just so you know we’ve been invitied to other weddings with the no kids thing and the invitation clearly said something very politely about adults only or no children, etc. Thanks Misty
According to wedding etiquette, only those to whom the envelope is addressed are invited to the wedding. For example, “Mr. & Mrs. Jones & family” means they expect to invite the entire family, all kids included. “Mr. & Mrs. Jones” means only the husband and wife. “Mr. Jones & guest” means he may bring one person with him of his choice.
I hope this helps!
ETA: Wedding etiquette also says not to mention children not being invited (or being invited, for that matter) on formal invites. This is because the envelope does the talking for you, like I explained above. It should also not mention gifts or registries; you are expected to contact the bride or groom’s parents or close friends or whomever to get that information if you want it (but not the bride or groom themselves). I love weddings, can you tell? 😉
I think the no kids thing is becoming more popular with some folks. I suppose it is up to the individual. You would and do have the option to say, that due to childcare issues, you feel you cannot attend the wedding and cannot do the reading. The decision to not have children is up to the couple, you also have the right to say well unfortunately then I cannot attend, and get together after the wedding. If this is their wish, you have to respect it, but it does not mean you have to go, if it causes you stress, expense or worry – they have to respect that. Linda
When my husband and I had our wedding a little over four years ago we also had a no-kids wedding. Often, it has nothing to do with whether or not the couple likes kids or whatnot, more often than not it is a money/seating issue. We chose to have no kids (minus ours and the other in the wedding) because our place couldn’t accomadate much more, nor could we afford to feed them all. And, just like Sarah said, the envelope does speak for itself-if it’s not addressed to “family” then it’s meant just for the person/people it is addressed to.
I know that this is stressful for you, and I agree with what Linda said, if you don’t feel comfortable with it, or feel like you all can financially afford it, or whatever, then you are under no obligation to go.
Hm – maybe it is me, but unless things have changed recently, weddings around here have never had kids (except siblings of the bride/groom….)
I would have always assumed that kids were not invited unless specifically mentioned on the invite.
I’ve never understood why couples wouldn’t want to joy of children at a wedding? :shrug: Especially when there is usually a flower girl and ring bearer. 🙂 My cousin didn’t invite any of her cousins to her wedding except me since my girls were in the wedding as flower girls. The reason was they couldn’t afford everyone to come so had to cut out some people. The cousins not invited were very upset and insulted. THEN they changed their mind and called the cousins and said they *could* come now. ??
So inviting only immediate families children…may cause some hardship that is not worth it. We figure how much do kids really eat anyway? Just my opinion.
Tara
Tara
Woops, I would tell her I cannot come, and say it’d be difficult to find childcare for 2 nights for 6 children. She may change her mind?
Yeah, we’ve always felt the same. Kind of funny to celebrate the formation of a new family by . . . banning kids and making your loved ones hire babysitters if they want to celebrate with you. I can see space issues at an actual wedding–but “expecting” you to come to the rehearsal dinner, too, sans kids, is a bit much. I’m with Tara–tell her this is a hardship for you, and you can’t manage to do both days with a babysitter. So she can then either offer an exception for you or she’ll have to find another reader. There weren’t many kids at our wedding, excepting our younger siblings, because we were the first to get married of our families and also of our friends. But when my sister got married, she made a special point of involving my child (only had the 1 at the time)–he got his own outfit to wear, his own photo session, and my sister recruited a “holder” to hold the baby (dh and I were involved in the ceremony) He was second in popularity at the reception only to the bride herself, lol. There were space and financial contraints then, too, but as far as I know it was never even considered to ban the children.
I do think people exclude children for budget reasons and it’s really not how much they eat, but the fact that the caterer charges per plate regardless of what is consumed, but I think others exclude children because so many children are poorly behaved and their parents aren’t considerate enough to keep their ill behaved children from being the center of attention. Before I had children, I was of the mindset that I didn’t particularly want to be around them (did I mention before that God has totally changed my heart about children!) and I think that’s another reason that people don’t want them at weddings, after all these days marriage is all about the wedding more than the wedding is all about marriage. Tons of time and resources go into that wedding, but so little effort is taken in keeping marriages intact. It’s a shame that she’s excluding your boys, but to keep the peace I’d let her know that you can’t find childcare two days in a row and so you won’t be attending the rehersal dinner (or attend the rehersal and have your husband stay with the kids). Don’t miss the wedding if it’s at all within your power to be there, people are very sensitive about attendance at weddings and right or wrong about having kids there, I think it would be wrong with just a month left to ask her to find a new reader unless there’s absolutely no way you can make arrangements for your kids. And as a last possible solution you could always attend the service and skip the reception so as to cut down on childcare costs.
I know that’s not going to be the most popular answer and it’s stressful, but I’d just try to be as accomodating as possible as she’s probably stressed too and doesn’t understand the joy of children, not having had any of her own.
Rebekah
Thanks everyone for your responses. I talked with my dh and my parents about this today also. And I think my conclusion is the following:
We’ll both attend the rehearsal dinner and the wedding at the church but skip the reception. I’ll do the readings and the kids will come to the church. (the church doesn’t charge by the seat).
I appreciate all the suggestions and advice. MIsty
Glad you came to a solution that was good for you – it is a difficult thing. Hope you have a wonderful time. Linda
That is what I would do. Considering you will either have a very newborn or be about to pop (potentially upstaging her big day!), you will be tired and I am sure she is aware of that. Maybe somebody could fill in for you at the rehersal? While the reading is important, it isn’t something that requires you to be the one standing up practicing it the night before. I’ve been to rehersals where there were fill ins for bridesmaids and groomsmen and it was fine. If you skip the rehersal you could get some extra rest and it won’t be too hard to step up front when the pastor (priest? not catholic here!) nods his head in your direction and your name comes up in the program. All that being said, you will (hopefully) only have to attend one wedding for her in your lifetime so after this busy weekend you won’t have to ever worry about it again! I hope all goes well with baby and wedding, God bless!
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