Very difficult child, not sure I agree with the advice/books Focus on the Family suggested?

Thank you again for more tips/suggestions/encouragment. 

I don’t remember the poster’s names because they are back on page 1:) but one comment was to perhaps treat her younger than she is because of the attachment issues (which I don’t understand where that even comes from, the other 5 kiddos aren’t like that).  She is so extremely concerned about being babyish, she rebels against any schoolwork she deems as babyish, makes fun of everything she thinks is babyish, including her sister who in her eyes is “soft-hearted and babyish and cries all the time.”  So she would be really upset if I tried to do anything for her like that. 

She isn’t a tunnel-vision/hearing child, I have one of those and really have to do like you said, go put my hand on his shoulder, etc. to make sure he’s listening before telling him what I need. 

She is very perfectionistic and always has been (and I feel I’ve hidden my perfectionistic tendencies fairly well because I grew up in a house like that and it’s hard), not about many things, but about not wanting to do things that don’t come easily, which is most of life unfortunately.  We do a lot of talking about how things are usually going to take work, and that many mistakes will happen which is good and normal to learn/progress.

I am just at a loss with the best way to deal with her, the past two days since I posted have been even worse, despite my being very careful with trying to be gentle, spending lots of extra time, affection, etc.  She has been very physical in bullying her siblings and is with me now all the time since she can’t be alone without me.  She was extremely angry about that and said people younger than her don’t deserve respect or to be treated kindly because they aryounger.  She then went to get something upstairs and later I found out she had gone to destroy the puzzle we had been working on together since I was “being mean for not letting her treat younger people that way.”  There isn’t any reasoning/talking with her when she’s like that, she says things I know she doesn’t entirely mean, and I have to just wait it out until she decides to come out of her funk.  But waiting for that is miserable for everyone else.