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Vent/Rant – sorry
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I’ve just spent all morning trying to rearrange my daughters’ room so that things will work better, so it has just brought up a bunch of frustrations…
I’m just sick and tired of this stupid house. It is too small for our family, in horrible shape, falling apart, and I am sick of it.
It is a 750-800sqft house that someone renovated before us, making the living room almost impossible to arrange nicely, leaves room for 3 people to sit at the kitchen table (4 if we got rid of some stuff in the living room…) and 2 of those people are on carpet. (we have a family of 6). The girls’ bedroom is an odd shape, out son’s bedroom is upstairs in an area that I’m sure used to be an attic… so is too hot in the summer, and a bit on the cool side in winter.
The girls’ bedroom has 2 dressers in there…. I have been asking my husband to help me get rid of one of them for 18 months or so. Simply put, it is not going to happen. So there is no room in there. Where I put it (again) today, the kids are likely to get up on it, and it is right in front of a window that doesn’t have a screen, and that if you open it, you need to get someone inside and someone outside to get it shut properly again (as the crank is broken.)
I won’t even go into the list of all that is wrong with this house. I worry about the safety of our family. The only thing good about it is that it is in a fairly good neighbourhood and we have great neighbours on the one side. It is the only place we can afford to live except for possibly living in a part of town that our kids would get beaten up if they go outside (or me for that matter) and would likely have people using drugs in the back alley etc. For us to even live in government housing would cost us more.
I am tired of pleading for help with some of the house issues.
I know that there isn’t anything you guys there can do, but right now I am totally hating my life because of it. When I share my frustration with my husband he says things like “our house hasn’t been destroyed by a flood…. we haven’t had an earthquake and had nuclear reactors leak radioactive material in our air” etc. So yes, I ralize that we are so much better off than a large portion of the population of the world…. but it doesn’t stop the fact that these are my feelings.
Hello, I think there are times when we have all had those feelings about certain things in our lives, and though we know we are better off than many, for some reason it does not help and we have our gripe session. I can see why you would feel overwhelmed, you have a lot to fit into a small home and then life is not easy. We started out in life in a similar sized home, but there were only the 4 of us, and I remember when the moving truck brought our things, half of it went into storage because there was no room – we were military, and the house was a small cottage in England. The US furnishings do not fit well into English homes, because they are so much smaller and boy was I frustrated and hated it at first and got angry – but then I remembered that it was exactly the same size as the house I had grown up in over there and that the space was normal for English people in a lot of small old cottages – I realized that I had allowed myself to become a little spoiled by the larger base house we had in DC and by the larger furnishings and things. Now many years later we have a pretty decent sized home, not a mansion but a lot bigger than I have been used to, and I wish I could have my cottage back. Here in this house we have space to fill up, and places where we can all be in different places and hardly see each other without effort – I don’t like that, I prefer a place that is compact where we naturally are family and don’t gravitate to different floors of the house. I work hard to make sure we spend time together, and the girls don’t bury themselves away in the basement or their rooms, after many, many years and many many homes through all the military moves, I would dearly love that cottage back – it was cosy and intimate and great for close family happenings. I appreciate with 6 it would be a tight fit, and it wouldbe frustrating not to have space to move – but think of the fact that it is a safe neighborhood and there are so many that are not, that you have nice neighbors and so many do not, and that for better or worse it is a roof over your head – having not had one for a while after Katrina, it is a blessing trust me. I still can find things to moan about, and sometimes it just feels good to rant – but in the end the only thing that really matters is that you are together, safe and a family. Life is rarely perfect, there is always something, and I have done plenty of complaining in my day – now I am beginning to see that the old grass is not greener on the other side. Have a moan and a groan, the pick yourself up and remember how much much worse it could be in a bad neighborhood. I live not far from St Louis and a little girl was shot in the head over the weekend while playing in the playground of her neighborhood, she was caught in the crossfire of drug dealers – none of us would want that, and they remind me that no matter what is wrong with my life – I don’t have to deal with that and hope I never have too. God bless you, this will pass and you will be fine – as I said sometimes a good rant is good for you, as long as you come back to yourself after. Prayers coming your way for your peace and a way to solve some of the frustrations you have. Linda
I truly appreciate your feelings, and I hope God will lift your spirit soon. I moved into my elderly dad’s home with my 3 kids about 4.5 years ago. It’s the home I grew up in, and it isn’t huge, but it has two floors, 4 bedrooms, an extra toilet (thankful for that!) and a decent sized living room. There is a downside, though, in that my dad is a collector of many things that are in plastic crates and stacks everywhere. We cannot really use the dining room because he has so much stuff along the walls and on the table, although my sister and her husband insisted he move all of the “stuff” out of the living room and kitchen before we moved in. The house is very old, and most things (such as painting, replacing the horrid bathroom floor, etc.) have not been done since my mom passed away 13 years ago. Even the walls had not been washed. I suppose that’s what happens when you are 84 years old, a man, and you live alone.
I am grateful to have a roof over our heads, and since I am a single mom who does not receive much of anything from the kids’ dad, it has been a huge blessing not to have to pay rent and utilities. If not for my dad, I would probably have had to look for full time work and put the kids into public school. I still feel they are better off at home, especially my son who was diagnosed with autism within the year after we moved. He has such a hard time properly handling emotions, especially anger, and so our life is often very hard. Today, we discovered that my dad is seriously anemic, and they are admitting him to the hospital to perform a colonoscopy to see if he is losing blood somewhere. Knowing the seriousness of this, the worn-out couch, outdated wall coverings, and horrible-looking bathroom seem less important.
A little while ago, I spoke with my pastor’s wife about my struggles with the behavior of two of my children and my dad’s health, and she prayed with me over the phone. It really did a lot to lift my burden. I do still intend to take a good look at what we can do differently with our home to make it more enjoyable and suitable for us, but for now, I think I will just try to be a good steward of what God has provided for us and wait on Him to take care of the rest.
I hope that you will be encouraged that God has everything in His sight, and He knows what is best for you.
Sue
Wow, does that sound like me a couple years ago…. Our house, too, did not fit a family of 6 easily. While it had 3 bedrooms, they were of such sizes and shapes that it was impossible to work with. I totally understand your feelings. I was worried for their safety, as well – the 2 bedrooms upstairs would never have gotten a kid out or a fireman in if the need had arisen. And it was a constant worry on my mind and the minds of all the grandparents. One day, we up and put our house for sale and had it sold in a day, and we moved us all to the next state over. LOL You’ve probably seen some of my posts about it. We have been so much happier since we just up and moved. We had finally come to a point where we were happy that we had a home, and were content, and even started planning some renovations, when we just said enough already and trusted God to provide completely. No job, no house to move to, 4 children, several pets – yeah, it was a bit on the nightmarish side, but it felt so right and good! I am praying that you are able to think outside the box a little and either are able to use your current house in a better way, or you find another way to realize some dreams, and also for peace in your heart. I so know how you feel with feeling stuck in a horrible situation and seeing no way out. We were in our old house for 5 1/2 years (a couple years longer than we’d thought, and 2 extra kids than we’d thought). (((hugs))) and be encouraged. God does have a plan, and He is teaching you something (perhaps patience and a new way of thinking, like He was teaching me? who knows?).
I smiled when I read your post-not because I think it’s funny, but because I was thinking “someone took over my body and wrote this while I was sleeping!” I hear ya, sister!!! However, now I’m being really a whole lot more telling than usual, but I live in one of the towns you’ve seen on the news since last night in OK. There literally are houses and apartments within walking distance from my (800 sq ft) home that were absolutely destroyed last night. There’s a mom who lost her 15 month old this morning from head injuries, has a missing 3 year old, a 5 year old in the hospital and she herself is in the hospital following last night’s storms (different town, same state) Oh, and she’s 5 months pregnant. I tell ya what, it sure put things in perspective! Not trying to play the “yeah, well that ain’t nuthin'” game, I’m just letting you know that I totally get where you’re coming from, but this morning, when I woke up to electricity back on, and only trees down around me, I didn’t mind the duct-taped carpet, the peeling kitchen floor, the uninsulated walls, the weird, almost “Seus-ian” shaped walls that we can’t hang anything on or put furniture against because they’ll mold, or even the tiny, trip-over-eachother-square footage. My kids are here for me to trip over, and we had 3, no, 2 meals today (it was a late night, breakfast at 11!)
And here are the lyrics to the song “Little House” which have become my matra.
A little white house, in the heart of town,
On a little sad street, just a little run down,
Became a home, for Bill and Sue,
Two newlyweds, who did the best that they could do.
And when they brush each other, passin’ in the hall,
Sue would smile and say: “This place is pretty small.But you know, love grows best in little houses,
With fewer walls to separate,
Where you eat and sleep so close together.
You can’t help but communicate,
Oh, and if we had more room between us, think of all we’d miss.
Love grows best, in houses just like this.Before too long, Sue and Bill,
Were makin’ plans, for Jack and Jill.
Oh, happy day, when the news came in
But what to do, when they found out Sue was having twins.
When they could not pass each other in the hall,
Well, Sue would smile and say: “This place is really, really small.But you know, love grows best in little houses,
With fewer walls to separate,
Where you eat and sleep so close together.
You can’t help but communicate,
Oh, and if we had more room between us, think of all we’d miss.
Love grows best, in houses just like this.That little white frame house still keeps them warm,
Though it’s been thirty-two years, since the kids were born,
And when they look back now, they hold each other tight,
And whisper in each other’s ears: “You know you were right.Because love grows best in little houses,
With fewer walls to separate,
Where you eat and sleep so close together.
You can’t help but communicate,
Oh, and if we had more room between us, think of all we’d miss.
Love grows best, in houses just like this.Yeah, love grows best, in houses just like this.
Luv from a tightly cramped sister in Tornado Alley
Hi, You are such a testimony to all of us. You have given up much in order to be a keeper at home and follow after the Lord in teaching your children. You have sacrificed much of what some of us would call needs. I would like to commend you for that and I am encouraged by your example. How many of us would throw in the towel, put the kids in school, and head off to work? So,I would just like to praise God for what he has put in you and your husband to accomplish during your sojourn here.
I can appreciate your feelings in wondering what God is up to in all of this. It will be exciting to hear as we go along what God is working in your heart, your husband’s, and that of your children. I would like to recommend a book for you (I know, something else to do). It is Abide in Christ, by Andrew Murray. If you would like, I will purchase one for you gladly and mail it to you if you will private message me your address. I was reading it and underlining like crazy up until I got to the chapter about Christ being our righteousness. Suddenly, I got it! I had that sense that I am wrapped in the cloak of Christ and whatever comes my way is His very best for me.
God tells us to be content with food and clothes. He never mentioned a house. I know my sinful self and I don’t even deserve a cave and a candle. Yet, he has provided a roof out of his mercy. How often do I take that for granted? Too often, I admit.
Your husband likely feels keenly your lack. I know the times I have complained to my husband, it sometimes has gone straight to his heart because he wants to provide more substantially. They do work hard. It would be easier on them if we worked, as well; sometimes I forget that. So, our job is to love them in a very real way and pray for them without ceasing.
The children are also watching how you react to this. Perhaps God has mighty plans for one of them that needs just this sort of training. I know that you will want them to see you leaning on the Lord for all your needs.
I do so hope you are able to read the hearts of all of us who have posted. The gentleness with which Sue, Sara, and Linda have expressed themselves is truly uplifting! Do not feel sorry; we are called to bear one another’s burdens, and so I will pray for you!
Blessings,
Cindy
Psalm 16:6 “The lines have fallen unto me in pleasant places; yea, I have a goodly heritage.”
Thanks everyone!
I do get so frustrated because it seems that I just can’t do anything to make things better, and that the few people outside the family who know how bad the house is don’t seem to want to help. I do worry so much about the safety of our children. I also don’t want to sound ungrateful, as I do know that we have been given a lot. Wonderful children who are healthy, no natural disasters affecting us etc.
Maybe I’ll get out the DVD’s portraying the early times of our church with the saints being asked to give up all their posessions to walk across the country to a new land… or having the mobs tar and feather their husbands, burn their houses, leaving them to wander in the snow…. Somehow seeing it portrayed adds to the effect.
Oh, and I know my husband gets frustrated because he can’t fix it and he would do anything for me if he could… I do actually try not to complain to him very often because of that.
I thought I’d offer up some ideas in the hopes that maybe they will help.
If you have closets in the bedrooms you can try to hang more in order to get rid of the dressers. Install a second clothes rod down lower (most kids’ clothes are fairly short) so you can have 2 rows of hanging clothes. You can also use hanging organizers – they have sizes which would fit folded clothes and shoe-sized ones. We use a shoe one for socks, hats, etc. My brother uses the larger size for “outfits”. Each shelf has an outfit (shirt, pants, unders, socks) so he can easily get ready every day. You could also put some storage shelves in the closet to use as a “dresser”. We’ve even put the dresser into the closet in some houses.
Bunk beds? I know those can be expensive but sometimes you can find them at thrift stores or when people are moving. Or you could ask for them for Christmas. We have all 4 boys in the same room with 2 sets of bunk beds.
We’ve often done shoes under the bed in large plastic boxes. I have friends that do the same with their children’s clothes, large Rubbermaid type containers under the bed which they pull out every morning to find clothes.
If you have a larger closet in your room you can hang your children’s clothes in your closet and get rid of the dressers. Google “family closet” and you’ll find all sorts of neat ideas for having all the clothes in one central place.
Go watch Legacy and feel better!
Heather
Thanks Heather… I’ll get out Legacy for sure!
Actually, the dresser I want out of the bedroom is totally empty… I have cut down on the number of clothes and each of the 3 girls have a drawer in the tall (taking less space) dresser.
I just can’t physically move the dresser out of the room… and we also don’t really have another place for it to go…. I would probably even freecycle it, but haven’t got hubby on board on that.
What about a donation place like Salvation Army? They might be willing to move the dresser out of the house for you.
I was thinking the same thing about Craig’s listing the dresser, that way you don’t have to be the one to move it……would your husband be OK putting it down in the driveway/yard/porch so whoever came to pick it up didn’t have to come in the house?
I have lived in lots of different sorts of houses over the years so I can sympthyse with frustrating housing arrangements. I liked Heathers ideas although it sounds like you are already pretty organized.
One thought is in the midst of all the practical logistics and organization don’t forget tiny touches of loviness, I know that can seem like “just one more thing” to think about but I find it makes a big difference for me. It takes me from just survival mode into homemaker mode. Of course in some houses this comes easily, I at one point had a whole china cabinet and buffet piece to serve as my eye candy. Right now I have neather and in our current house it is easy to feel swallowed up by kid and homeschooling stuff. I have one shelf I reserve for just pretty things and although it could seem like a waste of space it grounds me to look at it in the middle of a whirlwind of train tracks and crayons……and see something lovely.
My favorite book on this topic is “The Hidden Art of Homemaking” by Edith Schaffer.
Blessings as you creatively endeavor to build your home!
LadyoftheHouse, I agree with you about having a few lovely things in sight. I recall, several years ago, seeing a woman interviewed on the local tv news. She had taken in quite a few kids as foster kids who were special needs children, many with serious behavioral issues. These kids were taking their toll on the walls and furniture in her house, often inflicting a lot of damage.
These are the types of kids that are very hard to place….no one wants to deal with this type of behavior. However, this woman welcomed the challenge and took them in. What struck me as I watched them interview her sitting at her dining room table was the shelves on the wall behind her. There were china plates and other precious, pretty knicknacks on these shelves…..and they were covered with chicken wire! A friend of mine commented on that, saying she ought to just put those things away rather than have them so oddly displayed. My thought was, if I had kids whose behavior was causing me stress, I would welcome a moment during the day to just glance at a lovely, blue-flowered china plate! And, of course, now I do have one of those challenging types of children….
A little beauty in your home is well worth the effort.
I can really sympathize with your situation. I haven’t read all the replies, but I thought I would share some of the struggles we’ve had. In our previous home, we had mold issues from Hurricane Andrew damage that was making all of us severely sick–my oldest developed asthma because of it, and it triggered chronic fatigue in both me and one of my twins. Then there were the rats. I’ll leave that up to your imagination. It was hideous and constant. As were the bionic sized cockroaches. That fly. And they lived in every drawer, corner, and even toys. The A/C broke down and this is in Miami, FL. Think super hot and super humid. Then all the appliances broke down within 2 months of each other–I’m talking washer/dryer, refrigerator, dishwasher, and stove. Then we decided to renovate the kitchen which took 4 months (with no sink, refrigerator, stove, etc..) during which my husband was in the hospital for alot of that time for heart problems. Then I miscarried in the middle of all that. It was a very hard time. But now I look back and see it was just a season (which is hard for a Miami girl to understand since we don’t have seasons).
Not long after this time, I visited a friend I met in church. This lady was always cheerful. She was so gracious and never complaining but very hesitant for me to visit her. Finally one day she nervously invited me over. When I got there, I understood why she was nervous. She had lived all of her married life (like 16-17 years) in a DIY renovated Greyhound bus with 3 children and 2 parrots. Her husband’s family were traveling singers, but not the fancy kind. The kind that accepted love offerings. And she was “parked” for the past year in Miami in a tree nursery full of workers so that she could take care of her alzheimer father in law who lived in a shack and most of the time was not cooperative or pleasant. Wow! And there was not a hint of bitterness or resentment. That was pure grace at work. That was so convicting to me. She thought I lived in a palace. I did compared to her.
What can you change? Is there anything? Make a list and pick one thing and start with that. For the rest, you really need to give it to the Lord. We are such control freaks. Reading 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp totally turned my world upside down. It grabs you and doesn’t let go. It shows you how your perspective changes EVERYTHING. We need to recognize the spiritual battle that we are in for what it is. We need to repent of doubt, distrust of God, distrust of His goodness to His children, fear, pride, etc… It is when we are bowed in humility that God is allowed in and begins to transform everything but mostly you. It sounds so over-simplistic. It sounds so cliche. But it works. The book really leads you on the journey. It is so worth it. Miracles happen when we start to give thanks–think of the feeding of the 5,000.
I have been where you are. I have had the same attitude and have made myself sick with my sin and my frustration over my circumstances and felt despair over my inability to change my circumstances, much less myself. I pray that the Lord use this hard eucharisteo in your life as an opportunity to work wonders. The process is ugly and messy but precious. The way to glory is through the cross.
All is grace,
Betty
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