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Toddlers and Whining
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Could anyone offer some practical advice on how to address the habit of obedience as well as whining in a 3 year old?
I need advice on the habit of obedience (really just timely obedience) as well, but as for the whining–never give them what they whine for!!!
That’s all the wisdom I have for that.
I have two three year olds right now (they’ll be 4 on Wednesday!) so this is very real and fresh on my mind 🙂 First of all, I pray for patience and perseverance A LOT!!! And I don’t mean that in jest, the whining is the absolute worst and drives me batty – and we have a lot of it around here. BUT all that to say, the thing that I repeat over and over to mine (in trying to encourage non-whining because punishing for it all the time would be exasperating to both them and me) is “Mamma can’t help you when I can’t understand you, and I don’t understand your whiny voice. Please speak to me in a regular voice and I’ll be glad to help you” or something to that effect, ever how it fits the situation. Now when they keep on and on, I tell them that they must be tired and if they insist on continuing to whine they’ll have to go to bed (and here is where I have to follow through, lest they think I’m always bluffing).
As far as obedience goes….well everyone has their way of discipline, be it spanking, the corner, what have you, and I don’t want to get into that since my way may not be your way. But I have found in having many of small people at the same time in my house (we have an older son as well) that it doesn’t correct as quick as I’d like. I think no matter what form of discipline you use the key is consistency and follow through. When the consequences change (which we have been guilty of) they don’t know what to expect, so they keep trying it out. When my husband and I get to those times where we are wanting to pull our hair out, we usually realize we haven’t been as consistent and more than that, we give too many warnings and don’t follow through every time – then they are learning that they can wait until the second or third time to obey (and we are losing our patience with them too often). When we tighten the reins a bit, everyone is more comfortable – the kids know their boundaries are firm and they don’t have to test them as much. One practical thing is to have certain consequences for certain behaviors. I know Doorposts has an If/Then chart that is good. Another friend of mine made her own for her boys (with pictures when they were little). Then everything is concrete for them and they aren’t (necessarily) looking at you as the bad guy since the consequences are already in place. Well, I hope some of that helps – I do know how bad the whining is – it is my least favorite aspect of parenting!
Thank you for all the thoughts on the issue of whining. Today was an especially whiny day with our 3 yr. old. Whew! Mjemom, thanks for sharing how you approach the whining. Our little one seems to whine a lot! Some days more than others…today being one of the more whiny days. Sometimes she is just plain whiny in that she’s not necessarily asking for something but just whiny in general. She actually whines, fusses, and sometimes throws a fit when she doesn’t get her way or doesn’t get what she wants. As I’ve been observing, we are having to address this problem pretty much almost every day. Obviously, she’s more whiny when she is tired. This has become more of an issue lately it seems.
I am familiar with the If/Then chart from Doorposts. I actually had one many years ago when my older children were younger. Even if I didn’t make a chart to hang up, it would probably be a good idea for me to write down consequences for actions so that I can have that to refer to in order to help with consistency. 🙂
Ginger Plowman talkes about whining is THIS intereview – it may be helpful. She also has a wonderful resource kit called No More Whining.
God bless you ~ Heather
I woke up this morning with this discussion on my mind, so thought I’d share three thoughts that were bubbling to the surface.
- Whining can easily become a habit, so I treated it as such. I didn’t want that mental neuron path reinforced, so every time a child started to use a whiny voice, I interrupted and said, “Fussing gets you nothing.”
- Then I stated what I did want her to do: “Use a kind voice, please.” It worked well for us if I stated the desired behavior instead of stating what I did not want, because it seemed like she could always come up with another variation on the “not want” list. So it was just easier for me to remember the one positive action I wanted rather than the myriad negatives I didn’t.
- If she did not stop fussing, I would apply the promised consequence: she gets nothing. That means if she had something in her hand or on the table in front of her, already in her possession, I would take it away. That usually got her attention. If she didn’t have anything to remove, or if that step didn’t have any effect, I would take away her audience. I would put her in her room and say, “Do your fussing in there.” Then I stood outside the door and waited for the fussing to stop. If she came out, I would try to put a “perky” and positive look on my face and ask, “Now what did you want to tell me?” and give her an opportunity to use a kind voice, hopefully reinforcing that habit instead.
Just a few thoughts to add to the mix.
Sonya, thank you so much for sharing! I like how you have handled whining in your home. I have begun to tell her when she starts whining “We are not going to whine. You can ask me nicely.” Or something along those lines. Pretty much similar to what you would do in addressing the negative habit but emphazing the positive habit. In the times where she is just whining to be whining and not asking for anything, I have simply reminded her that we are not going to whine and that if she wants to continue to whine, she will have to go to her bed. And then do my absolute best to follow through. 🙂 I also praise her when she practices the good habits. If she starts whining and I tell her “We are not going to whine. You can ask me nicely.” – if she stops right then and asks me nicely, I make sure to praise her for choosing to listen to Mommy and to ask nicely. I try to praise her when she makes good choices. I have to tell you, I have already seen improvement in this whining issue since I have been doing this! Amazing!
Oh, and let me add, yes..I have seen that improvement just in 2 days!
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