Toddler Tantrums and Whining

Dana,

I’m still going through this with my 3.5 yo!  I would say, don’t give in…I think I gave in to her demands way to much as a toddler because it was the easy route.  My DH also seems to have an easier time than I do…I don’t know if it’s because I’m home more with her or his voice is a bit sterner, but he has a much easier time getting her to behave.  At 3.5 we are still working on please and thank you, but she finally does it with a reminder.  Can you teach your DD to sign?  One of my DC took to signing much better than speaking.  We just did a few basic words (please, thank you, yes, no, more, and all done are the big ones).  We do “time outs”.  Basically, I have them sit on the couch with the lights down low until they calm down.  I do this mostly for temper tantrums or when they are all getting too rowdy.  It usually even calms me down.  

I used the corner. I have learned that for it to be effective there are some definite things to do and not do. With all 3 of my kids this has worked, and with other children I know. I have walked many moms through this. Even role played it with them. Here is what I do: 1. Child does not do what they are told or starts to throw a fit. I get down on his/her level and say ” If you do not obey me/stop throwing a fit you will sit in the corner, and you will stay there till you can obey/stop.” 2. If they do not obey/stop I pick them up and put them in the “corner”. Then say, “You will stay here till you are ready to obey/stop.”  Make sure this is a boring place where they can’t see everything that is going on in the house. The end of a hall with all the doors shut works great. 3. The child WILL pop up right away and try to escape, many, many times. Do not hold them down in the corner. 2. Simply pick them up and put them back over and over again. 3.Now here’s the key.Do not talk to them.Do not give eye contact.Just pick them up and put them back. 4. When they have  finally sat in the corner and are quiet, go ask them if they are ready to obey. If they give you attitude of any kind or start to whine get up and say ” I guess you still need time in the corner.” Then walk away. Do not engage in talk. 3. When they are ready to obey, tell them again why they were in the corner and that they need to say sorry.

It takes time, work, and lots of stamina. Eventually it will not be so hard or long. It will seem like they are in the corner all the time at first. But It will get to a point where they will stay in the corner, and all you will have to do is tell them to go sit in it! Even if they are throwing a fit on the way. And much sooner than you think corner time will be few and far between and then not at all. You have to have a stronger will than them in this senerio. If you have a very strong willed kid you will be doing this for a while the first few times. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. I started this earlier with each one of my children. I think I started around 12 months with my youngest. It was much easier with him.

Does she respond to your husband’s verbal correction because she knows that it is followed by an immediate (active) consequence? That has been my experience with my kids listening to their father vs. listening to me. He gives one verbal warning, and if the behavior doesn’t stop he implements the consequence without anger. On the other hand, I tend to give MANY verbal warnings which builds up my stress level, and then by the time I am ready to administer a consequence it is way too intense. So I would say try telling to her stop, and then giving her the consequence (whether it is a time out, spank on the bottom, etc…).

Whining is a little different at her age. Personally, I don’t think I would give a whining toddler vinegar as a consequence. We use vinegar only when the child has chosen to use ugly and hurtful words – not for whining.

We explained to the kids that they only need to say our names once or twice, at the most. And they must ask politely for what they need. Ignore a whining tone and pleasantly say, “Mommy can only hear you when you use your nice voice!”. Then – and this is important – IMMEDIATELY respond to a nice voice or request. The answer doesn’t have to be yes, but you must look her in the eye and let her know that you have heard her when she addresses you properly.

Tantrums are a zero-tolerence thing for us. We do not warn, cajole, etc… for angry outbursts. The sooner the child develops a habit of self-control while angry or frustrated, the better, IMHO.

Blessings – this is all normal at her age and with some focused effort it will pass!

The corner was effective for my young ones re. whining. However, I require them to stand, not sit. I find that they are less comfortable standing with a nose in the corner leading to quicker resolution. Just my 2 cents.