Things are not getting any better

Find some things that YOU enjoy doing, and do them. Wise advice from my mother that i was hesitant to take…until I tried it one Saturday morning, and really was in a better mood. We wives and mothers are so good and willing at giving all our time and energy to serve our family, we often forget to take the time to fill US up so that we actually have something positive to give. My mom just had a very serious heart problem, related to stress. So she quit her job (they had to hire two people to replace her), started enjoying things more, and taking it easy (which was not all that easy for her). That, along with a few natural supplements, and a couple of months later her heart is much better. The problem was that she was giving and giving and giving, and not being filled back up with anything.

There has been great advice given so far. It’s been encouraging to me. I really like Bookworm’s time-calorie analogy.

I’ll “like” Bookworm’s advice as well.  In our house we do very little “formal” schooling before children are 8 yo.  Someone gave me that advice about 25 years ago and I thought they were crazy!!  Now I see more wisdom in it.  Kids will catch up very quickly if you wait until they’re really ready to learn, otherwise it’s like pushing a cart up a hill continually.  When you wait for “readiness”, it’s more like having the cart at the top of the hill and just riding down letting gravity do all the work.  I guess I’m giving you permission to ease up on the  schooling for the younger children.  Mine listen in as I do all the other subjects with the older children, plus I read to them and teach them to read when they’re ready to learn, teach them to write when they’re ready to write so it isn’t like they’re not learning anything, I just don’t push it or schedule much until they’re 8.  

I have also found that getting rid of television and electronic games makes a HUGE difference in my children’s attitudes and ability to learn.  If you could get rid of it for a month (even a week) I think you’d be amazed at the pleasant difference that would make in your home.  

Well, I don’t have a ton of advice other than I agree with earlier bedtimes, trying to combine teaching times with the kids a bit more as well as the thought that the 3yo does not really need to be “worked with” every morning. They will pick things up naturally and on their own just by being araound all of the older kids. If you just worked in some cuddle and reading time, that will be enough for the really little ones.

I did just want to bring a bit of a different perspective on a couple of things that have been said concerning husbands, though. I do not know if this is something that will apply to the OP or not. I just wanted to put it out there as this is where I am coming from. I have seen in many posts a generalization of what husbands or men are like and what they want. I think that this can be a mistake. Men are just people and they are all different from one another. I thought it a little funny when I read in a couple of the posts things like, “Men don’t like schedules”, “men are not good communicators”, “men are physically exhausted when they get home” or thoughts that they don’t really care about the housework to the degree that wives do. My husband THRIVES on schedules! He has to make schedules in order to get anything done at all. I HATE them! I really don’t like messes and disorganization but neither does my dh. It can really bother him to have messes and clutter that don’t get taken care of. And if I am not working at them he will feel a GREAT AMOUNT of pressure to take these things on himself until I am able to again. So, one of the best ways that I can take pressure OFF my dh is for him to know and see that I am working at these things. Also, my hubby now has a job where he is basically not using his body for most of the day. However, I have days where I have a lot of physically draining activities and am much more physically exhausted by the end of the day than he is. He is usually mentally tired by the evening, however. These are just a few examples to point out that giving advice to people and saying that “Men are like this” or “husbands don’t like you to do this”, etc. can be dangerous because you don’t really know if her husband is actually like that. So, maybe just ask her about her own dh first or say something like, “My husband is like…”.

I hope this did not come off as preachy or condescending to anyone. I just wanted to point out some of the things that I saw that may not apply to the OP’s particular dh. Maybe it all did, though! And I just have an abnormal hubby! Haha!

Blessings,

Miranda

Thanks for making your very good point, Linabean! My dh is also very schedule-oriented while I am way more casual in my approach to everything. I know my seeming laziness drives him bonkers. We have worked it out over the years and are still working much of it out every single day. We’ll probably never be done figuring out how to make this school/life/marriage work and how to help each other be happy and contented with the result.

Each person, each relationship is unique. God selected our mates for us for His glory and likely for our own good. Good to remember. Great thread, guys.

I am praying so hard that much of this is a blessing to you and your husband, Sara B.!! {{{HUGS}}}

Sara B, seems like this thread about your schedule went into marriage talk and that might be a GOOD thing for you. Our kids need to come second underneath a strong marriage and if our day is spent totally doing kids’ education, we are not in line with what we as married women need. We will get burned out because we are living outside of the peace that God intends. Just a thought here. 🙂

I highly suggest Marc Driscoll’s Real Marriage online sermons for any married couple. It puts everything in perspective: our sins, our relationships, and being best friends with your mate.

http://marshill.com/media/real-marriage

This is going to be from an different angle, but what are you doing to support your system nutritionally? When my thyroid or adrenals is imbalanced, my ability to handle clutter and chaos is pretty much non-existent. Sometimes even just a good quality B-Complex and make a HUGE difference for me.

I have six kids and belive me, I can relate in many ways. I love a spic and span house, but I have acceptd it isn’t going to be right now. For awhile, it really bothered DH but we were able to really talk about it and set some goals and things are so much better. The string on the carpet–just forget about it! I know, easier said than done, but you gotta let that go.

On that note, could you make yourself a schedule–a realistic one mind you with a lot of grace–for chores. I have a general way like Monday is ALWAYS laundry day. I get it all washed and dried, but as someone else said, I save the folding for the evening. Also, my three oldest are now doing their own laundry. Youngest of the three oldest started when he was 9. Maybe your oldest could start helping/doing laundry? My older three are boys and they actually really like it. It is one of the chores they don’t complain about LOL!

On Tuesday, you could say “vacuum” or “mop floors”, etc. Obviously some chores like sweeping after a meal (sometimes only gets done before DH gets home) need doing everyday, but for the ones that can be done weekly, maybe choose 3 to do a day. This will be more achievable. And do sub them out to your children. They will most likely rise to the occasion, especially the younger ones. Invest in a dustbuster if you don’t have one; these are great for the three-year-olds! And they don’t do a half-bad job on those strings (and crumbs) on the floor.

I copied your schedule and was going to make a few suggestion, many of which others have already suggested:

6:30am Up, shower/dressed

My immediate first though is get up earlier. You need more time to yourself, and the best time is in the morning before your children get up. I know it is hard, believe me, but if I don’t get up and have some time to prepare spiritually and physically then the day doesn’t go as well. Try 6 and then maybe even 5:30, but not all at once. Maybe try even for 15 minutes earlier for a week, then another 15 minutes the next. I get up at 5:30. This gives me an hour before our 2YO is up. The others aren’t allowed to come out of their beds until 7 a.m. And they all have to be up at 7:30 for quiet time before breakfast at 8.

7am 3yo up, dressed, both of us eat breakfast, then chores (the 3 older kids get up when they want, do their morning list, breakfast, and chores, as long as they are ready for school at their appointed times)

OK, this is not always popular, but I think the older three all need to get up at same time or at least within a 30-minute time frame. Otherwise, you will be going crazy not knowing who is up when, eating time scattered which means kitchen messier, etc. Have them set an alarm. Mine are up at 7-7:30 and then breakfast is at 8:00 for all of us. I will give the baby her bottle when she gets up and some fruit if she is hungry before then, but the body does adjust amazingly!

8am – 9:10am Work with 3yo

I agree with others; this is way too long. Read for 10-15 minutes, play a game or whatever, then give him/her things to do. Time with you can be 30 minutes or less during this morning block. Maybe have a “school” box, with blocks, beads, books, whatever for him/her to do indpendent (can be at your side or on the floor near you). You can have a larger tub to choose from and change it out once a week or daily. But keep it to come out only during schooltime.

9:10am – 10:50am Work with 8yo

Again, this time seems way too long for one block. Can you split this up into AM and right after lunch or something? Really, though it seems like 30 minutes would be enough for one-on-one with an 8YO.

10:50am – 11:10am  Family devotion (prayers, Scripture memory, hymn)

This seems about right, but could you do Scripture work and hymwork on different days, so this time could bd shorter maybe?

11:10am – 11:30am  Work with 6yo (9yo works on individual subjects)

Seems good. 20 minutes is just about right!

11:30am – 12:30pm  Lunch, Clean-up, maybe some chores if time

W have lunch for half an hour with clean-up and chores as well. Those take only about 15 minutes though. Could this be 45 minutes maybe? One thing we do is I have one kitchen helper a day. We have 6 children so oldest DS takes Monday and then we go through the week with next oldest on Tuesday, next on Wednesday … etc. Of course my three younger can’t do as much, but 7YOs can totally wash dishes in sink now once I fill it. They can also unload most of dishwaser too. This kitchen helper is responsible for floor sweeping and counter wiping after every meal on their designated day (breakfast, lunch and dinner). They also have to wash the dishes (that don’t go in dishwasher), but they can choose to wait until after dinner and do all at once or do it as the day goes. Each child also had ONE plate, ONE bowl, and ONE cup in their family color. See here if you want to learn more; you might want to try it!

http://roomforatleastonemore.com/2010/07/14/wordless-wednesday-11/

But they have to wash their own dish, and we do use paper some for lunch. If your plate or cup is not clean for a meal, guess what? Yep, you get to wash it. 🙂 This really cut down on the piles of dishes we used to have, and I know it is saving us money too. Also, highly recommend on of those scrubber wands for quick dish clean-up (like for your one plate) if you don’t have one. You put liquid dish soap in it and you can use it to wash a dish, and even our 2YO can use it to wash her bowl.

This is what we have and it has held up well for over a year now. Each child has one bowl, one plate and one cup in their family color (we use the system for hand towel, washcloths and bath towel as well as toothbrush–you get the idea–and has cut WAY DOWN on towels left on floor, things not put away!).

http://www.simplysmartliving.com/ColorWare-Plastic-Tumblers-Tableware-by-Bentley_c_104.html

12:30pm – 1:00pm  Quiet time (3yo until 3pm – sometimes he sleeps, sometimes he doesn’t – comes out of his room a lot regardless, which interrupts our afternoon)

Maybe 3 1/2 hours is too long, but your 3YO should be expected to have a quiet time where he stays in his room until you allow him to come out. If he is asleep, that isn’t an issue I’m guessing. If he doesn’t take a nap, an hour maybe? Habit training here would be key! Allow him some books maybe that he can look at quietly if he isn’t sleeping. Maybe a basket by his bed that he knows is for this purpose? Take it out at night if that is an issue.

1:00pm – 1:30pm  Work with 3 olders on a few things

1:30pm – 2:20pm  Work with 6yo  (9yo works on individual subjects)

2:20pm – 3:30pm  Work with 9yo

I would cut this all out OR maybe choose one day a week to use part of this time for one child. This is what I do with our three older in the afternoon–I work with one child during the same time slot each day of the week, but not all three every day. So, on Monday our oldest, on Tuesday our next oldest, on Wednesday, our next … choose a different subject as you need extra time or just one. I use it for math and language, but mostly it ends up being for math.

3:30pm – 4:30pm  Free time for kids, “project” time for me

4:30pm – 5:30pm  General clean-up, chores (I start dinner by 5pm)

Seems good here.

5:30pm – 6pm  Free time while I finish getting dinner ready  (this is where the schedule falls apart – when dh gets home)

Not sure about what you mean here, but can you simplify your meals? This doesn’t necessarily mean less healthy. Or use your crock-pot more? Or make meat just twice a week, but make extra to use for a soup or crock-pot meal later in week? Or bake chicken that can be used later in the week on a salad? I do a lot of this and it really helps. I also always include cut-up fruit as part of our dinner b/c a). kids all like it, b). healthy and c). I can do it earlier in the day and/or pull out what is going bad and mix it up for a fruit salad and a meal helper!

6pm – 7pm  Dinner, clean-up, finish up chores

7pm – 7:45pm Devotion, Read-Aloud, Free Reads

7:45pm  Baths/showers (I divide these up during the week so I’m not doing 4 every night)

8pm  3yo to bed

8:15pm  6yo to bed

8:45pm  8yo to bed

9:30pm  9yo to bed (reads till 10pm)

We gave up nightly devotions. Just wasn’t working. We do try to talk through some things over dinner. DH will often bring up a question that is toward character training or from the Bible. This is kind of like devotions! Also, we allow the kitchen helper to ask a question and then we go around the table. Otherwise, with 8 of us, often dinner was one person trying to shout over another it seemed. Eveeryone wanting to talk at once … so this has helped simplify as well. I already explained how only one of our children helps to clean up at night. DH or I will help them as needed (older 3 can do on their own) and the other will get 3 littles either bathed, showered or in their jammies during the simultaneous clean-up. I agree with others that 3 baths/showers a week is PLENTY for your kids at their ages and this time of year. Why not do all on one night though? Then on the off nights, think of all your free time!!! And 8 and 9YOs should be able to do somewhat indpendently, especially a shower I would think.

I strive for dinner on table at 5:30, start clean-up at 6:00 (everyone does take their dishes to kitchen, then kitchen helper takes over) along with baths/showers for 3 younger if needed. Others are allowed to go play and/or read (no TV). Then at 7:30, we put 3 littles to bed at the same time with a book and prayers at 7:30 and then tucked in by 8.

I will admit that my DH likes some TV at night too, but he is so good to most often take care of helping littles with bathing/showering on the nights we do it and/or helping them when they are the kitchen helper. He then will watch TV with three older from 8-9 many nights, but they all enjoy and it does spur conversation.

At 9, our three older go to bed for reading until 10 or before if get sleepy. Sometimes DH will allow one of them to stay up past 9 (but just 1 at a time), and go up to workshop or play a game with them, etc. This gives them a reward for a day well-done and also some one-on-one time with Dad that is so hard to come by with 6 children and DH at work 50-60 hours a week.

I hope sharing some of what works for us and sharing how some adjustments might be made to your schedule helps you! I can hear your struggles in your post, and I feel so badly for what you’re going through. PLEASE give yourself some grace and I concur with others that maybe you and your DH need someone to help you see some common ground. I’m sure there is more there than you realize, but sometimes there are seasons where you need an unbiased person to help you find it again.

HTH