Things are not getting any better

We’re in a rush this morning too, but my first thought after reading your wonderfully descriptive post, is to just give yourself the okay to lay off school until you get other things in order. ENJOY your kids for even part of a day. Just play and have fun. If you need to get out of the house to do that, then go. Just leave it all. I’ve never heard anyone say they regretted leaving a loose string in the carpet 15 years after the fact. However, I have heard my own MIL state that she regretted every single time she told her kids (my DH included) that no, she could not take them to the park because she had to scrub her window screens with bleach and a toothbrush. Now that she’s a Grandma, she drops everything to play, anytime, even though she still works fulltime and it still every busy.

I’m in a season where my perspective is different from the norm, but if you can manage to just play and relax even for a few hours, do it.

Blessings and prayers to you all,

Jenni

Here are a few things to think about.  I can’t redo a schedule for you, or fix your husband to do what you want, but I can offer a little bit of perspective maybe.

1.  Are you trying to do too much with your children?  Or expecting them to do too much, for too long, on their own?  Yours are still pretty young.  I think they could, however, do shorter stretches of independent work.  Instead of long, hour or more time working with individual children, could you have a shorter time working with one, assign an older one to keep track of littles, have a chore basket to pick chores out of that they could do independently, then in fifteen minutes or so, you switch who is doing what?  I think your older children could possibly do more on their own if it was 15 or 20 minutes, instead of an hour or more of scheduled time.  I often scheduled so one would be on the computer while I worked with another and another did a chore . . .then I worked with a different one while a different child did independent work and another child did a chore . . . we rotated and changed throughout the day.  This seemed easier on them AND me.

2.  I know you are feeling frustrated about the state of your house.  If a string on the floor is setting you off . . . then I think you need to spend a little time in sincere prayer and contemplation.  This is kind of irrational.  You don’t HAVE to react like this forever.  You can work to change and relax, you can “tell” yourself things, and most importantly, you can ask Heavenly Father to help you identify priorities and then help take away your frustration at the things you do have to let go.  I used to be very, very upset at messes in my house.  I finally, after a period of much prayer, decided my children’s hearts were more important than my carpet or the dust on the TV, but just deciding that didn’t really fix the problem.  I had to actively pursue teaching myself the truth I’d already learned, and I begged Heavenly Father to take away my frustration.  In time He did.  (He’s really good at things like that!  He just needs us to learn our lessons first.  🙂  Now you’d NEVER know I once had house perfectionistic tendencies.  Really.  🙂 

3.  You really can’t change how your husband relaxes.  You might need to consider having a session or two with your pastor, who might be able to help the two of you negotiate a better outcome. It isn’t fair for you to work all day and then do EVERYTHING in the evening while he watches TV.  Perhaps a good, godly interested outsider could help both of you to come to terms you can both live with.  You MIGHT need to allow him a significant detox period when he gets home, that he can choose to use as he pleases, if he does a couple of specific things each evening and gives you an evening a week off, for example.  (JUST AN EXAMPLE.)  Also, (said gently) you  might need to let go of watching TV with him and not missing shows.  A good number of us have long since given up TV.  Not only is it not, in my experience, a very soul-feeding relaxer, its very time structure makes it difficult for moms to fit in.  For example, it’s a WHOLE LOT EASIER to read one psalm and ponder and pray for fifteen minutes than it is to watch a one-hour TV episode, it gives you a fortified and strengthened spirit, better perspective, relaxation, AND you are closer to Heavenly Father to boot.  Sure trumps CSI.  Or whatever.  Even “good” programming.  It’s kind of like calories.  There are efficient calories (full of nutrients) that will help you feel good and healthy.  There are empty calories that will only suck you dry.  Efficient relaxation time can produce the same feeling in a fraction of the time as the things our culture “says” should be relaxing.  Walks.  Yoga.  Any exercise, in fact.  PLAYING with your children instead of caretaking.  Giving them backrubs.  (Try it!) Making something to take to a sick friend. Write a thankfulness journal entry.   Some things feed us.  Choose those things.  You can’t make your dh choose those things.  But in time, he just might notice a certain contented glow about you and wonder what’s up, why you are busy but thriving while he is still an exhausted dishrag despite watching TV all night. 

4.  Are you sure your children are getting adequate sleep at night?   That can cause a multitude of problems during the day.  I tended to either put my kids to bed quite a bit earlier than you are, OR I let them sleep later. 

5.  I know  you think your children should be able to do what you tell them consistently, every time.  We often think that.  But if we haven’t put in significant time training them, and applied a few oceans of patience, then it’s just not often going to happen.  Every once in a while you get one of those compliant kids who can remember a list 8 items long and make herself stop playing to do what she knows she’s supposed to do . . . . but most kids can’t quite manage it yet at young ages.  WE moms have a hard time.  For example, we KNOW we shouldn’t get all upset if there are a few things out of place . . . but in the moment, it’s hard ALWAYS to remember, isn’t it?  Our children are just little “us’es”, with less experience, less knowledge and fewer habits to make them do the right thing.  This all takes teaching–years and years and years of teaching.  I’m SO glad Heavenly Father is so patient with me, despite all the things He’s been telling me for the last FORTY FIVE YEARS that I still don’t quite have down . . . I’m often severely tempted to show less grace than this to my children, but I”m always discontented with myself when I give in. 

Just a few musings on my day off, have to run!

I’m wondering why the different times for bed for all of them? I understand the 3 yr. old. But if it were me, I’d either:

1) send the 3 and 6 yr. olds both at 8pm and the other two to bed at 8:30

2) send the 3 yr. old at 8pm and the other three at 8:30 with reading time till 9:30 for the 9 yr. old. Make the 9 yr. old responsible for turning off the light (I assume she/he has a clock) otherwise they lose that time for the next night.

I also second one devotion a day; the one w/dad being the priority.

With the ages of your 6,8 and 9 yr. olds, no subject should be longer than 20 min. You are working too late in the day with them. The 9 yr. old can help with the 6 yr. old, too.

The anger you’re feeling I completely understand and have felt myself. Please get some prayer for yourself, write down-for yourself, hubby and counselor-those things, deep down, that are really bothering you. The condition of the home and inability to focus and follow-through are just symptoms. The best schedule in the world isn’t going to give the peace and happiness that you’re needing; IMO, part of your frustration comes from your expectations and partly from the situation with your husband mostly; not the schooling part. My husband is home all the time due to his disability so I understand. Let’s just say I got the frustration over the tv being on, him sitting there, doing nothing while you’re tired (knowing he’s tired, too and has been working doesn’t help how you feel like me knowing how much pain my dh is in doesn’t always help me when he’s not available as dad), been with the children all day and hoping for him to share in helping out in the evening. Ya’ll are going to need to work out something.

I also second that children don’t need a bath/shower every night; esp. in the wintertime. Every other is sufficient unless they’ve been raking or something. ALso, IMO, an 8 and 9 yr. old don’t NEED you to help them get a bath/shower anyway. You just verbally making sure they have their supplies and checking their hair afterwards for thoroughness (or if they’ve cleaned their heads at all) is sufficient.

HTH some.

OK, bit more time – You’re getting lots of scheduling and schooling advice, but I’m thinking that’s not really the problem.  From what I’m reading, I’m seeing some traits that I have struggled with and still do.  When the house is a mess and you yell, ask yourself why you are yelling.  I…. sometimes yell at my children (when hubby is home) about their messes to… shame my husband into helping me.   Embarassing to say.  Ugly to hear.  AND it doesn’t work.  It turns him off and isolates him.  I don’t feel better either.  

Next, I sometimes yell at my children about messes to shame them.  (Even though a lot of times the messes are a result of my poor training or my inattention to what they were doing because I was doing something else and didn’t want to properly supervise them.)  Again, ugly, doesn’t work.

I think I do this because Satan is using the messes to shame me and make me focus on things that aren’t important.

Examine the problems with your husband and you say you’ve changed so many times, but he hasn’t changed at all – that’s probably the case, women seem more open to adapting, but try praying for him, try meeting his physical needs more often if that’s his desire (it’s amazing how that issue can help a husband be more wonderful in every way – don’t do it to be manipulative, but do do it because you know he needs it), try writing down all the things that you love about your husband, if you have old love letters from him, read them often – write down loving things he says to you or any compliments he gives you – these are treasures that will help empty your mind of Satan’s lies and fill it with things that draw you to your husband.  That’s huge – you may never say horrible things about your husband out loud, but if you’re saying them in your mind, they will take hold and feed bitterness.  So focus on those wonderful things about him.  That he works hard to provide.  That he comes home to you every night.  That he picked YOU to marry and that he keeps picking you!  Lots of husbands stop picking their wives and find someone new.   OK, now I have to run again.  But these are things that work for me – especially what I allow myself to tell myself –   does that make sense?

I do feel for you also. I know it is hard. I have a hard time sometimes and I just have to work on getting them together on the same page. I also think you have some good advice above.  I am glad that I have changed to doing Bible, history, science, Nature study, Spelling and writing together. My sons are 9 and 10 and they usually need a little guidance on the first day of the new chaper in Math then I let them go and see how far they get. Correct and spend the time talking to them when you have time and you are not frazzled. This helps more with patience on both your parts. Sit down and do Your Bible/ History maybe on Tues. and Thurs. Then, Friday have some sort of Game that goes with history, geography or maps.  Then on Mon. Wed. Do a Science read. With all of the kids at the table have one of the older ones read the story while you do dishes or a load of laundry. Have the younger ones draw a picture of what is being read to them or make something with play-doh while they listen.  Start with the drawling though. 😉  Math at least 3 or 4 days a week. I would suggest 3 so you are not so frazzled. Sometimes with little ones you can do file folders.  I noticed my daughter wasn’t learning and retaining. I put the work aside and came back to in a few months later. When we came back she picked it up in almost no time flat. So, if you are having to high of standards and expecting them to know more at a certain age then maybe you need to relax and let them learn more in a layed back atmosphere. I guess that is why year round homeschooling works for us. It eventually gets done and I dont’ have to worry about what rushing them. I also think you should read Sue Patricks workbox system if you haven’t already. It has helped me a great deal. You don’t have to do 12 boxes like she suggests you can do 6 or 8. I just use more velcroed stickers to tell them to do an audio book or computer time ect…  You could get the book at the Library and read how it works. There is all kinds of curriculum for workboxes on different websites for the little ones. I know you are frustrated but if you take a little while to regroup and reorganize you may feel better. I know a messy home is frustrating.  However, having children go to school won’t make it any better trust me.  I had the hassle of getting them up in the morning, getting ready and driving them to school because I didn’t want them riding the bus because they would be on there an hour when we live 8 minutes from the school.  Also had to worry about the language my son was picking up on the bus. My older child said it was terriable what filth came out of their mouthes. Then, having to be called to come and get your child because something went wrong that day.  Plus, you don’t know what they are teaching them.. My daughter was learning about the Bible not being true.. A wicken was her teacher… Son, was learning evolution.  Not to mention picking up bad habits that you can’t untrain because they have them more than you.  Then there is the problem about what they are eating if that bothers you.  This means more time if you have to make their lunches. Then their is the cost of Holidays, clothes, new toys so they can be in the in crowd. Sports stuff, selling items for the school, and going to their events, choir, band, sports events, sport events out of town, clothing for sporting events out of town, eqipment and fees. Not to mention the kids are afraid to learn because if they get the answer wrong others may laugh at them so they just go along with the crowd. No one answering the teachers questions because they were afraid to.  So, the worst job you do can’t be that bad. They will learn more about life skills and how to get along with adults. They will be able to look them in the eye and hold a conversation with them. Not text their friends and ignore the real world. You will loose them Your house may be clean but you won’t really be happy. Honest.   I have had both and I really beleive you could take this to prayer. Read a book about ” How Children Fail” by holtz. If you feel different after reading that book then good. If you don’t then by all means enroll them.  I think you are just going threw the 3 yr old baby blues. That is what I would call it. 🙂 Your child isn’t old enough to do the work on his own but makes some messes learning. More messes than you can keep up with.  Learning stages of exploration.  Sometimes that one makes me crazy!!!!  You have to keep the mess makers busy with cleaning. I stop mine from going upstairs during school time this way it is harder for them to make messes.  I am surprised how a few of them still sneak in though… I hope you have more of a blessed day and much prayer as you continue this venture. I too need a serious purgeing in my home. Things can pile up when you have to many children and not enough room and to many fun things that need to be done.  I wish you much luck. and remember this too shall pass!

            Have a blessed day!

Great point Rebekahy…keep your eye on the Lord and focus on doing that…life is easier with Him on our minds and by our sides….:)))

I have three young children – 4, 6, & 8. I tend to over schedule my life. I’ve had to literally force myself to learn how to relax. My husband also works hard, comes in at night, and relaxes all evening. He hated coming home to me running around being stressed and wanting everything perfect and done orderly.

Last year during a vacation at a cabin my husband and I read a book called Real Simplicity by Randy and Rozanna Frazee. It was an excellent book that caused us to think. It deals with balancing work and family time. It really made us evaluate what was important.

I’m still working on it, but now whatever isn’t done by dinner waits until tomorrow. After dinner the whole family relaxes together. We read, watch Netflix, play games, etc. Sometimes it is individual sometimes as a group. Everyone helps set the table, get the food on, clean off the table, and I load the dishwasher…then I make coffee and we all just enjoy life. At 7:30ish 🙂 the kids get pajamas on and we have a little snack like microwave popcorn, then they head up to bed to read. I go up at 9 to say prayers and tuck them in. The only chore I do at night is starting the dishwasher before I go to bed. Other than that my husband and I talk, read, and yes, watch things together.

Everything needs to be evaluated in terms of family goals and nurturing relationships. If that means cutting back on school, simplifying schedules, ignoring a little dust, whatever…we do it. Life shouldn’t be all work. Jesus never raced around harried and stressed that he needed to get more done…so surely we can accomplish the will of God each day without stress. My husband always says that if we can’t get everything we need to do done then something in that day was not the will of God.

Tara