the very difficult child

I am currently reading through Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child by Mackenzie.  I have learned from it that I have to be more clear and firm in my directions with my child who is not so naturally compliant.  I like reading it because there are real examples and what was said/done that did not work and what is better to say and do.  And these children will test by seeing your actions over and over again until they believe you really mean what you say.

It has been a good read so far and it is helping if I give a command and add “now” to it and then stick around to be sure action is being taken.  My first-born is so compliant, I can just politely hint that something needs done and he does it sooner rather than later – wanting to please.  This does not work on my other child, who tries to get away without doing what I ask.  And we have to keep repeating to help the child learn it.

I didn’t read all the comments but I just wanted to say I know how you feel and then some! I have a ten year old who has constantly challenged us every step of the way his entire life. When he was 5, I considered myself successful if I could just get him to sit and focus on one task for five minutes at a time. I definitely don’t have all the answers, but I would second Tristan’s advice – pick your battles or you will both be in a state of constant frustration and your relationship will suffer.

What I have noticed about my son is that he actually thrives in structure. Unexpected events or changes in the routine really throw him out of whack more than my other children. He has a harder time adapting to new situations like moves, new friends, etc. He is constantly interpreting a LOT of data and little things bother him. I would describe him as a HSP – Highly Sensitive Person. He is very sensitive to sights, sounds, and textures – some people would say he is just ‘picky’ and maybe that’s true but it’s also just a part of how he was made. You can look at the online test and see if that may be part of what you are dealing with as well.  So, to help him adapt to new situations we do a lot of talking beforehand about what is coming up, what to expect and how to handle situations he feels uncomfortable in. We also try to keep a daily and weekly structure so that he knows that certain times are for school, for play, for chores, and so on. He knows, for instance, that after morning chores he should start on Math, then Language Arts, and that he needs to show me each subject as he finishes. He still often tries to do the least possible work, but at least we no longer argue about getting to work at all!

My son is also the self-appointed ‘boss of everybody and everything’. This is possibly the most challenging aspect of his character and one that we are still working with him on. And that is really the key with ‘strong’ (ie: weak) willed kids. If you can get them on board with their own character development, you have half the battle won. I can’t say that we have that with my guy, but he gets on board maybe 50% of the time. We try to put him in positions where he has to treat others with respect and where he can exercise positive leadership skills (sports, clubs, game times with other boys).  He is naturally a people person and actually does really well in a classroom environment. We are in a homeschooling co-op mostly for this child’s benefit! He loves working for other teachers – just not so much when it’s a power issue like at home.

The one rule we insist upon and honestly which causes the most conflicts with him is respect for others with his mouth and with his hands. I agree with Tristan that natural consequences are the way to go with 90% of this behavior, but he cannot be allowed to disrespect others with ugly words or hitting, pushing, etc. Those things have to be disciplined and that is difficult with a child who refuses to see himself in the wrong in any situation. What has worked best for us here is working with him in Scripture – at this point writing out appropriate Scripture passages and helping him to memorize them, or reading Scripture and discussing it. This helps him to calm down and get more objectivity in his thoughts on the situation. I know your son is younger, but you might try a ‘discipline bench’ or time out place with a list of appropriate Scriptures for different situations.

If you can create structure and rules that are part of the family life and are posted, it takes a lot of the fire out of disagreements, especially if your rules are backed by God’s word. It helps the child understand that the rules aren’t open-ended or subject to argument – they are there for his growth and protection or the protection of the family. And since they are posted and equally applicable to everybody, he doesn’t have a lot of wiggle room on interpretation.

Hope some of this helps and that you are able to take a deep breath today and know that you aren’t alone and your child’s behavior isn’t the whole of who he is or who he will be become. Nor is it a reflection on you. It is just a part of his process and God can and will use it for good in his life.

You have received wonderful advice already, esp. to back off and work on habit/character training, and hopefully it just soothes your soul to know you aren’t alone.  I really thought no one understood me or my child until I posted on here about my difficult child, who was worse than any child I read about in a “Strong Willed Child” book.

She was born difficult, would do everything and anything to bother/irritate/have control over you.  So at your son’s age, yes she would hold the pencil wrong, or sit wrong purposefully, etc.

Some advice I got that I balked at (because of my strong willed, rule oriented, compliance forcing personality) was to make them laugh when they are being like that.  I felt like that would be avoiding the obedience issue, but it really does help.  I don’t do it all the time, there are times it’s too disrespectful and needs dealt with but other times are fine to joke a little or tease, (and only if your child can handle it, doesn’t get hurt feelings).

I also have advice for when he’s older and doing more formal schooling.  I wrote up a contract before the year started that she had to initial each statement and had consequences set up.  Things like: I am not smarter/wiser than Mom or Dad, I will not argue when Mom or Dad teach me something, I will do school with a good attitude, I will not argue about rules that already exist (spelling/grammar), etc.

When she would break these rules, those are when (as Tristan stated) she sat all day long until an assignment was completed, and wasn’t allowed to do anything else (eat/play, etc).  It sometimes took until 5pm to write one line of copywork, or one math fact.  If she was arguing with me about how to spell something, or that 4+3 was 8 (she knows better but she just felt like arguing/manipulating) then I gave her schoolworkseveral grades ahead, and asked her to complete them.  She always chose to go back to her level work and do it with a better attitude.  She also got a lot of copywork if she was rebellious/defiant/hurtful to siblings, etc.  That helped a lot since she hates writing.

She also does so well when I praise her often, something I’m not great at either.  Your little boy might do better if you find his love language, and do it often.  My little boy who isn’t strong willed, but super busy/squirmy/hates schoolwork, loves to be tickled or chased and is much more ready to write or do math after those, or if rewarded with those things.

We have come a long way, and I’ve gotten so much better at heading things off when I see her face in the morning if it’s going to be a bad day, or figuring out ways to lighten things up.  I never thought school could be somewhat pleasant, we didn’t even need the contract this year.

Hang in there and find ways to enjoy him, and make it the most peaceful for both of you.

Seconding choosing the issues you take up very carefully and sparingly.  Also relationship over everything else.  So everything you need to in order to get and keep his heart.  I had one like this and he is 20 now.  We are painstakingly trying to work through some of the effects of my mistakes.  I now understand that he just needed be held, hugged, touched lovingly… Reassured of my undying love.  He feels I humiliated him by the ways I tried to discipline and get control of the situation.  I wish I had changed the whole routine up and broken the cycle that way.

Another thing that helps me now with my younger kids, is to be very careful not to escalate things by responding to fire with more fire.  Instead try to break the cycle some other way… Maybe with a hug.  My little boys just need me to hold them and love them a lot!

Monica,

I’ll try to share a few practical ideas.

What we did was we started with a few basic family rules.  These were simple and essential things like:

– Respect others and yourself : both body/mind and property. This means we don’t hurt others physically or with our words and we don’t touch or use things without permission, and others won’t do that to us either.

– Don’t go outside without an adult or a buddy age 12 and up.  (The area we live in is very close to the high school, the pizza shop, a lot of apartments, and our backyard is right along a high foot traffic alley.  People are going past day and often night too.)

Those were the two basic ones that we started with.  They really cover a lot.  Our school related rule was also simple:

– Learning time is between breakfast and afternoon snack.  No media is available during this time.

So, examples of how we worked things with this child:

– She was allowed to do her school work where she chose in the house.  She was required to do it during learning time and if work was not completed by the end of it she moved to the table until she completed the day’s assignments.  (Doing assignments falls under needing to obey the law, we have to do work to legally homeschool.)

– She was allowed to play but she was not the boss of others.  This falls under respecting others.  She was not allowed to tell anyone else what to do or how to do it.  We reminded her of the line of authority: God is the boss.  He organized us into families.  Daddy is the head of the family, with mommy as his partner.  We are helping the children learn to obey and choose the right in our home and then they will be able to learn to obey God by their own choice (home gives us lots of practice).  She is in charge of her own self, but not of others because she is not their parent.

– If she did not agree with our enforcing of these basic rules she was welcome to be upset (feelings are ok) but being rude (yelling at us, screaming, calling names, etc) is not respectful.  The only thing that will listen to you be rude is your pillow.  Go to your bed until you can be kind with your words.

If she was mad enough she wasn’t staying in her bed and was throwing things once up in her room or being destructive she began to lose all her things.  Toys, clothes, pillows, everything.  She would have to earn it all back.  The other option (depending on your child) is to physically restrain them (hug and hold) but she did not do well with that.  She did have to pick up/clean anything she threw and if she broke anything she had to pay for it (means working/chores for a long while).

We also made it a point to spend positive time with her whenever we could.  Invite her to help me with a chore or to tell me about what she was doing or what she had been reading or wanted to do the next nice day outside.  Hug randomly.  Smile.  Praise.  Write her a note or draw her a picture and put it on her pillow to find.

Consistency became the biggest game changer for her, with maturity.  She learned after months that we meant what we said, we would hold her accountable for her own actions, and she could hold us accountable for ours.