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the very difficult child
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My 5.5 YO is very, very strong-willed. He can be sweet and quiet and most people think he’s a nice kid, but as my brother accurately said on a recent visit, “He’s either really nice or he’s the devil.” I’ve been doing Delightful Handwriting with him for the last week. He wants to write…but he wants to write HIS way (ie sit down and do pages and pages sloppily until he’s tired of it). Trying to get him to sit for 5 minutes and write the letters properly is a huge battle. He fights literally every.single.inch. From not sitting in the middle of his cushion booster, making constant weird noises while writing, “accidentally” dropping his pencil repeatedly, intentionally changing his grip to an odd one, starting lines at a different spot than where I’m telling him to start them…I can correct him thirty-forty times in a 5 minute session. This is not a “readiness” problem–waiting a year will make no difference whatsoever. If he doesn’t want to do something, anything, he just refuses to do it in one way or another (and I do still find a way to make him do whatever I tell him to do, but it never improves anything). He thinks he is the boss of everything and everyone, is entitled to do what he wants and be treated how he thinks he should be treated, and constant corrections and every imaginable consequence over the past couple of years have not made any noticeable impression on him. I told DH yesterday that if the private school my 10 YO used to go to had a bus instead of a 40 minute round-trip drive, I would send him to school in a heartbeat just to get away from him for half a day every day. What do you DO with a child like this? My 7 YO is also very strong-willed though in a very different way, so it’s not like I have no experience with strong-willed children, but this one is something else.
Have you read “The Way of the Will” under bookstore then free products?
It is so good, and such a different way to understand “strong will” is actually weak will. I highly recommend it!
I would stop accademics. At 5.5 there s no rush. My 5.5 year old does very little academics, and can not write that well, but he enjoys all sorts of other things, especially “thinking” games and puzzles. I know his fine motor skills will come along 🙂
Have you also looked at Laying down the Rails or other habbit training ideas?
My heart goes out to you! I have a very strong willed 5 1/2 year old also. He will be 6 in December. I feel that nobody (outside my family) truly understands how strong willed he actually is, because he acts so shy and sweet around them. I started kindergarten with him this past August, using MFW and he’s doing really good now (surprisingly). It took him awhile to get adjusted to the routine, but now he caught on. I found teaching handwriting was and still is the hardest subject for me also. I literally have no patience for it. For instance, he has to do 1 sheet of copy work a day. The instant I hand him the paper he will sit there and goof around for about 2-5 minutes, and he’s only done 1-2 letters. Some days he’ll fly through the work without me getting on him, and some not (I guess it depends on his attitude). I try and do handwriting first in the morning, it seems to work best for him. I don’t use workbooks for handwriting. I use widespaced paper, and I write down the alphabet letter we’re going over and a sentence of about 3-4 words to copy. I have him write the alphabet letter 4 times and write the sentence once. We’re going to be using SCM this coming year, so I’m not familiar with the Delightful handwriting book. I also found helpful with a strong willed child is to give him options. Such as, what pants do you want to wear today-The gray pants or the camouflage ones? Trust me we went round and around over me trying to make him wear something he did want to (it always ended up with him having a melt down and me extremely stressed). I found this helps a lot. Sorry, I’m not much help. I just wanted to say I understand.
God bless,
Jaime
I think every child needs approached differently, so what I suggest is what I would do based on what you wrote, but you know your child and family best. Maybe it will spark ideas for you or permission to try something different.
Yes, I’ve got one of these. If I said black they said white. If I said yes they said no. If they didn’t want to do it they would do anything possible to avoid doing that thing. I have another that is not as extreme in this area but is also more than the rest of my kids. My most extreme is now 10. We’re in a better place relationship-wise. But it was not a quick fix. And it is mostly not the fix you are going to want to hear.
The problem begins with you. Not you, really, but your responses/requirements. My motto for this child became – unless it is a matter of salvation or legal issues (breaking laws) then it is probably not worth battling over. I had to become extremely clear in my own mind about what was worth the struggle I knew would happen when I gave a direct order/assignment.
For example, you mentioned a lot of things you are correcting for during a 5 minute handwriting (where he sits on the cushion, making noise while writing, dropping his pencil, changing his grip, starting writing a letter from a different point than the traditional one you are teaching). Stop. Just don’t say anything about it. Who cares if he is doing it wrong? Right now he wants to write so let him do it. And when he matures and finds a reason to want to write neater or has a personal reason to need to write without making noises then he’ll make that change because he wants to. It’s not a battle worth fighting.
I would be one to drop all academics/handwriting and when he wanted to do some I would say “Great, here is your paper/dry erase board, here are the letters on a page to look at, have at it.” And then I would walk away. If he asked for help I would show and verbalize the way I was writing a letter, then hand the pen/pencil/marker over and walk away to do something else and leave him to it.
Do not fight battles that don’t matter. You will destroy your relationship, but you will also lose all capital for fighting the big battles that really matter. If you are both locking horns over everything then he can’t tell what is really important and what is some silly little thing you both are fighting over, so he will fight as hard over little things as big ones. Save your energy and struggle for what truly matters.
Now, let’s move on to what you DO want to do. You want to set very clear rules for your home that you do enforce. For example, “If you are hungry you can eat what I make for meals, during meal time only.” The corollary to that is if he doesn’t eat during the set meal time (ex: 5pm-6pm) then he’s tough out of luck. You don’t beg him to eat, pester him to eat, order him to eat. You set out his plate at 5pm and you remove it at 6pm. This can apply to EVERY area, but food was an easy one to show.
Academics, for a child who is not 5 (and shouldn’t be having formal academics anyway), fall under obeying the law (we have homeschool laws to fulfill). For us with this particular child it was a 2 part approach. 1. Require only what you must to fulfill the law. 2. Require they do the work before they ______ (eat lunch, go outside, go to lessons, watch a movie, play with their toys, whatever they do….). If during the course of not doing their work they miss their meal, oh well. Sympathy for being hungry is always allowed, but you remind them that they missed that opportunity because they had not done their school work yet (which you must be sure is totally doable for them if not too easy when you are first fighting this battle). Don’t fight. Don’t argue. Don’t nitpick over every little thing. Only fight the big battles that matter.
You may consider Parenting with Love and Logic, they run a lot along these lines, if you are looking for reading for you. But I don’t like everything they have, so find what works for you.
I am loving Tristan’s advice! 🙂
Tristan-you remind me of a very dear friend who is also a homeschooling mom. I have turned to her for advice again and again through the years and she always gives me the kind of advice I see you giving around here-matter of fact, common sense and to the point. What a voice of reason you are on this forum!
Thanks Melanie. Sometimes I worry that my advice will be taken the wrong way because online removes the body language and voice so we can’t always tell how something was meant. But then I remember how many times I wanted someone to just help me figure out ideas for how to work with one issue or another I was facing and I go ahead and write. I just always hope others recognize that there are so many ways to parent and that just because something worked for me with one particular child or even with all 9 of my children doesn’t mean there isn’t another option that would work just as well.
I would chime in to say, possibly consider putting it aside until he is at least 6 years old. (Charlotte’s recommended age to start formal schooling). It’s amazing the difference just 6 months can make in his readiness. Especially for a boy regarding handwriting. Just a thought.
Thank you, Tristan, coming from you…I will try that. Mostly the advice I have been given for him is the exact opposite–don’t ever let him win any battles, outlast him, stay on top of him, if it’s not working you’re not being consistent enough, etc. So frustrating because that is NOT working and I constantly feel like a failure. I have read so many parenting books…pretty sure I read or at least skimmed the love and logic one too. I just finished one…can’t remember the name of it…that has a different approach, about identifying the positive opposite of the behavior you don’t want, and praising the smallest sign of it. I’m going to try that…different than anything else I’ve tried, so maybe it will help.
We are only doing the handwriting because I know I will have more time now than when he is 6 in October (new baby due in September), he wanted to do it, and he’s writing on his own a few times a week and I didn’t want him to keep forming letters upside down, backwards, etc. And like I said I don’t believe waiting will change anything because this is who he is. I will just tell him he can have the Delightful Handwriting printout when he wants it and let him do what he wants with it. It’s the pdf so I can always print out another one. We don’t actually have to do any school until he is 7 before the start of the school year…so 2 more years…but DH is not going to be willing to let him wait that long. He’ll have to do something at some point next school year. But maybe some time off the battle of wills would make him more amenable to doing a certain amount of schoolwork…or maybe I will have to take full advantage of any times when he actually wants to do something.
I read The Way of the Will. I have tried the ideas that apply to him in there and the only thing that has helped at all is having him think of three things he’s thankful for when he’s sulking. It can be quite a battle to get him to say them, but at least it changes his attitude for the moment.
This some GREAT stuff! Thanks Tristan for your easy to understand advice! You are so down to earth and real 😉
Tristan’s advice is so good!
I have similar issues with several of my children. I’ve learned that I have to pray fervently over these issues, and instead of following the same advice that was given to you– never give an inch, discipline for EVERYthing– that I had to learn to give grace, pick my battles, and love them anyway.
I have by NO means figured this out completely. I have the same kind of days when I just want to put everyone on a school bus. I keep failing in not loving my children through the hard moments. Yet God’s grace is sufficient for all of it.
Sally Clarkson has been an incredible encouragement to me, especially on the hard days. Her podcasts breathe life into my spirit when I need it.
Of course, God’s Word is first, and foremost, and so needful for us as mothers. He can give you the grace to love and train your son, and the peace to know what to do.
Pleae consider setting aside formal school. Spend time working on the areas you can’t leave off, the battles you can’t not fight, and then spend time reading to him, taking him outside, giving him lots of energy burning opportunities.
I’ll be praying for you and your son. You are not alone in this battle!
So, I will step in and offer what I would do, but it is probably what you are already doing…. so it might not be helpful! I was a strong willed child and my first born is a strong willed child! So, in that area, we understand one another! For us, it has boiled down to habit training! I do think you should wait until he is 6! Maturity does play a part, for sure! But, at the end of the day, when we ask our kids to do something, from a very young age, we have taught them to obey! Now, my kids are far from perfect! They are totally normal and have meltdowns and times where they rebel, so please don’t think I am painting the picture of perfection at all! There is a place for grace and sometimes a child is struggling with focus, managing their emotions, feeling discouraged or there is something else is going on! All that to say, I would put of academics and focus on habit training! When you start handwriting again, I would literally ask for maybe a few letters, written as their best work! Then, I would praise them and say great job! I would slowly add just 1 or 2 more letters the next time til you are up to just 1 line! That is just what I would do! I do agree to pick your battles, but when the time comes to pick up academics again, I personally would start small and expect the child to focus and give me their best work! If that meant 2 minutes, that’s what I would do! I hope I don’t sound like a know it all because I am so not! I am sure there are a million opinions on the matter!!! 🙂
I totally understand! My 6.5 year-old is SO strong willed (took till almost 5 to potty train just because he enjoys being stubborn, to give you an idea). His latest “thing” is insisting on reading “mother” and “father” as “mom” and “dad”, and heaven help you if you’re reading a book out loud to him and you read it “the wrong way” (in other words, say “mother” when the book says “mother”). Narration? Sometimes no matter what I say or ask him, all I get is, “I’m not going to tell you.” Sigh…
I’m still in the trenches and I feel like I mess up with him all the time but one little bit of advice–let him “win” sometimes. You will drive yourself crazy and become so run-down if you try to jump in and correct every. little. thing. I know we’re supposed to “lay down the rails” but you can only do so much before you snap. If he wants to hold his pencil in a weird way or not sit in the right spot, let him “win” those battles just so he can get a little stubbornness out.
I love Tristan’s advice as well and she said it far better than I could. I only wanted to comment on your concern about handwriting because he might learn it wrong.
My almost-7 year old daughter has been ‘writing’ since she was 4, but refused to let me show her how to do it correctly. She would actually spend hours voluntarily copying pages out of books that she couldn’t read. Her letters formation has been crazy and I wondered if she would ever learn to print neatly.
I chose not to fight this battle for many of the reasons Tristan outlined. I just let her print how she wanted to. Then, just yesterday, I invited her to do some fun animal-themed copywork. She was excited, but I told her she could only do it after she showed me that she can print the letters correctly. So, in about 15 minutes, we went through the alphabet, reviewing how to form all the letters. She willingly kept working through all 26 letters, even though I had only planned to do 5 minutes worth. She was easily able to follow my instructions, wrote all letters neatly and correctly, and is excited to practice them again tomorrow.
Long story short, don’t panic. At age 5, nothing is final. It can be learned later. Don’t sacrifice your relationship for the sake of beautiful penmanship.
Also, let me add… I was reminded of your post yesterday when I was working with my daughter (who has Autism). She was doing her handwriting and I remembered you talking about how you child your son would sometimes not hold his pencil correctly, I guess maybe on purpose, but I’m not sure! Anyhow… I was always a child that never held my pencil correctly, although it wasn’t to be rebellious. My teachers would correct me, but I have a very short pointer finger and I always used my middle finger instead! It bothered every teacher and my mom tried to teach me, but in the end she said that it just didn’t matter, and she was right! I had great handwriting, I wasn’t at all uncomfortable and still to this day, that is the way I hold my pencil…lol! So, I thought I would share that this type of battle is NOT important and not worth fighting! I think habit training is so important and dealing with rebellion is a matter of the heart! So, only you will know if your child is just having a hard time because of something else going on or if he is truly rebellious to everything people ask of him! 🙂
My strongest willed child is now 10 – the type of child where, when I read books about parenting strong willed or “spirited” children, I just think “clearly you’ve never met MY child!” I agree with so much of the advice already given. I would add, whenever you start butting heads and arguing – HUG him instead. This is so hard for me, as I am also strong willed, and it simply galls me to have this small person thinking they know more/know better than ME! “Why won’t he LISTEN to me, I only want what’s best for him?!” But honestly, a hug can change the narrative for both of you. Secondly, mine often responds to explanations of WHY it makes sense to do something MY way. Handwriting example, (and fwiw, handwriting is becoming less and less important in our culture – I don’t like that, but in the grand scheme of things, makes it even less important to have a battle over) I explained to him that people will judge his intelligence based on his writing – that good handwriting sends a message about him to the people reading it. For him, since he is a natural leader (hello strong willed adults!) that appeals to him and was incentive for HIM to decide to pay attention to his handwriting. It turns out he has dysgraphia, so it is actually quite difficult, but he’s still pretty conscientious about it (when he wants to be). It’s a lot more work, but in every situation I pretty much have to set the scene in such a way that my son will make the “right” choice on his own rather than doing it because I told him to or suggested it. I wish he’d just obey, but it is not in his nature, and a lot of prayer has brought me to the conclusion that trying to break him of that would also break the gifts that God has given him. My end game is to raise a son who can do his own research, make educated choices, know wisdom from foolishness. So I attempt to remember that when we start to fight (will this fight help to create THAT kind of adult?), because there’s SO much small stuff that feels important in the moment, but doesn’t help toward my goal. But mama, it’s tough work, and I mess up constantly!!!
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