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"the talk" for boys
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So ds needs a big talk. He will be 8 in a few days. Hubby will do this but I would like suggestions you have on this! Recently he heard things and he asked how long after we got married was he in my belly as he said he wanted to do the math. I asked him where this came from and he said he was just curious. I pretty much told him he was too young for such things and he said why was I already in there. Up to now he thought only married people could have babies. I was pregnant with him when I got married but I did not think it would come up at 8. He needs the “birds and the bees” talk among other things…in a Christian way though of course.
We have the first 2 books of the Gods design for s*x series.
Thanks..in advance!
wow – I’d be wondering who put that specific “bug” in his ear…. because it really sounds like someone did…
Just a quick note that I would express that it’s really none of his business; or in some more gentle fashion, if you will; it’s just personal and really irrelevant. There are many things I would never tell my children, nor am I obligated to just because they ask. Many people ask information (just becaus they’re curious) that is none of their affair; children included, and you and your husband have every right to keep it private; especially at his age, IMNSHO. I don’t meant o sound harsh, that’s just how I was raised. I tell my children when thy’ve crossed the line into someone’s personal business that doesn’t cocern them-whether they are 8 or 88.
This is a good opportunity to teach about respecting other people’s privacy. Doesn’t mean you’re guilty of anything when you choose not to share certain pieces of info about ourselves and children have to learn that important boundary line. Sounds like you handled it the best you could being caught off gaurd like that.
I would try to find out who put that in his head though, because I don’t think he would think that up on his own, AT ALL! Then you can have a talking to to them.
Maybe he’s not so ready for “the talk” after all, so I would pause a bit and wait and see, but that’s you and your husband’s call. Personally, I think the series you mentioned is alittle graphic for that age; I chose to use the Queen’s materials instead and wait on the G-d’s Design till later. But that’s just me.
Rachel
My DD’s 5 and 7 wanted to know why our neighbors have a child and they are not married. They have also been under the assumption that only married people have babies. I told them that when God created the world he intended families to have a Father and a Mother and that is what is best for children, to have two God loving parents. But there are decisions that people make that can bring a child into the world when there isn’t a Mommy and Daddy married. That the child is just as loved and special but that God is sad that they don’t have the home He intended them to have. And, that we need to make sure that we are always looking to God for how we should act, talk and make decisions so that we are pleasing to Him and bring the most happiness to others.
That satisfied them for now.
Maybe something simple and along those lines, but made to fit your situation, would work.
One thing we have to remember, our children ask questions and are satisfied with simple answers. We think more complicatedly. A child may ask “Mommy where’d I come from?” And we are taken aback and not prepared to have the “birds and the bees” talk but the child is usually satisfied with “God gave you to Daddy and me as a very special gift.”
My SIL was pregnant with my neice when she and my brother got married. My SIL also already had 2 older children. My neice knows that Mommy didn’t know God then and made some wrong choices. Now that she knows about God she has asked forgiveness for the choices and follows Him, now. My neice knows that she and her older bro and sis are just as loved and special, but that it is best to follow God’s ways and plans. She is 10 and is satisfied with this for now.
I agree with Pangit, I wouldn’t ignore his questions but maybe a simple answer is best. Mine have asked enough questions to need some explanation but so far the fact the babies come to men and women who sleep together is enough for them. I tell them that God’s plan is for only married grown-ups to sleep together and have babies but that sometimes people do and have babies, like my sister and their little cousin. My oldest has started probing a bit further so I’ll probably give her a bit more soon :o)
Pangit I like your answer very much – I am not one to be dishonest and that includes my children. It is curious he is asking directly now – howeverr Pangit’s idea is very good and sooner or later he is going to be able to do the math unless you are planning on altering your wedding date which of course you can’t. I would not start a web of deceit or hide things – keep whatever you say age appropriate and truthful. I have told my daughters that I made wrong choices as a young woman and that I hope they won’t make the same mistake. Showing our mistakes is not awful or wicked or any of those things – it is real life, and sometimes things happen that maybe we wish had not, but it makes a world of difference for a child, teen to be able to trust what you say – if we admit our mistakes then they know we are human and we can redeem ourselves. So within the boundary of his age, be truthful, loving and kind and don’t keep that secret. He will I think be more disturbed if you lie and then he finds out which he surely will. I would not give a lot of detail at his age – the main thing is that he knows mum and dad really wanted him and love him very much – good luck – again I like what Pangit said. Bless you – Linda
I agree with these wise ladies that you should answer your son’s question, but in a way you feel comfortable with. I think that, with sons especially, you always want to keep the lines of communication open and there are things that you can do now to encourage it. Our kids know that my husband and I have not always made wise choices-before my husband was saved he was into drugs, and we were both physically intimate before marriage (and at this point he was saved and I grew up as a Christian-we all make mistakes), but they know that we believe them to be mistakes and we’ve asked God for forgiveness.
In regards to having “the talk,” we never did it with our kids when they were that young. We would answer questions honestly (for example, when our then 10 year old asked why men couldn’t have babies I explained how babies live in the Mom’s uterus and that’s a special part that only women have, and he was satisfied with that. You may want to find out exactly what your son does know, though, before making that decision. If he has been told bits and peices by people (I found out about sex from a friend when I was in elementary school), even if you’re uncomfortable with it, I’d say go ahead and have the talk. You want him to know what you and your husband want him to know about sex, not the often un-true thoughts other kids have about it.
Just my two cents 🙂
Just curious if he is still asking….
My 8yo asks questions all the time but doesn’t really want full ‘grown-up’ answers. I’ve learned that he’s really just asking to ask, but then that’s it. If I answered all of his questions to the fullest we’d never do anything else all day. I’m not saying I just ignore him, but ykwim. If he really probed me I wouldn’t out right lie, but wouldn’t get too graphic (toward my son, anyway). My kids have family that have had kids out of wedlock and have been a little confused by that (especially my 8yo) but we don’t ignore it or make a big deal out of either. I could’ve had a child 7 months after we were married and they would’ve eventually done the math but I had a miscarriage, so basically we just didn’t ‘get caught’. So, I try to help my kids to not be judgmental (not that you are) toward those that have babies out of wedlock, but allow them to come to their conclusions on how challenging it can be to raise children in that situation. I just don’t want my kids to think that their parents did the right thing and that others did not just because they have the the ‘evidence’ to prove it and we don’t. Neither do we act like ‘anything goes’ and that God is not grieved by our choices. We have forgiveness and we have consequences.
On a side note: I have a young niece that had a baby and isn’t married (I actually have several family members that have had children before marriage, my mom included). My 8yo, who was 6 at the time, thought it was a ‘miracle’ and said, “Boy, God must have really wanted her to have a baby.” I just said, “Uh huh.” I didn’t want to condemn her nor make it seem like that is a super great choice, he hasn’t really mentioned anything since. He absolutely loves the little one and so do we.
As far as the specifics: Uh, I don’t think my 8yo would be ready for that and at the moment isn’t asking and really wanting to know. He’s pretty young minded and hasn’t really asked about family that have had babies before marriage. He really just squints his eyes and nods his head in a ‘thinking’ kind of way. He’s just not ready to know what really takes place and doesn’t need to know at this time.
We/my husband has explained in more detail to my oldest (12) and I’m glad he did. We were told to ‘just don’t do it’ but didn’t know what ‘it’ was so we found out from our friends and boys in ways we shouldn’t have. We were curious, but didn’t have anyone there to satisfy our curiousity in a biblical/normal way. We know our kids aren’t perfect and they may/will make choices that grieve us but we want to be the ones to answer questions before someone else does, kwim?? Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. This may be more than what you ask for or not even helping….this is a sensitive subject and I’m sure you and your husband will make the right choice for your little guy.
one thing not mentioned that I would like to add as to me it seems relivant, you must remember that at age 10 a child is at the age if something “dr. like” was to happen they will be held responsible and can be taken away from you. I just recently had a mom who I know well have her son taken out the home, and about a year ago the same thing with another. These children never really asked questions and then did things on there own as there minds were obviously thinking things. They seemed inocent (sp) and nieve(sp) sorry I don’t spell well.
So I would encourage you to answer the question as much or as little as you’d like. Then in a week or so come back and ask if anything else has come up and needs to be adressed. You know give them a chance to ask more questions.
In our house if they’ve asked or not at age 10 they just get a good summary of the “bees” talk. We don’t want them to ever hear it from someone else. Get wrong information, or assume things. Which actually my 10 yr old was starting to believe that our chickens would just have babies, though we had many times insisted that they could not cause we don’t have a rooster. But that didn’t matter cause he didn’t know why. Hence time for the talk.
Just wanted to state that we never want them to grow up to soon, but we don’t want to stop them from learning when its the right time and each family needs to decided how and when to do that. Good luck Misty
I agree that we don’t want our kids to grow up too soon and know too much too early. It’s a hard line to follow, and should be walked with much prayer and discernment.
That said, our personal belief is that, if children are old enough to be asking the questions, they’re old enough for an age-appropriate answer. No matter how the idea was introduce to your son, the fact is that he’s curious now. It wouldn’t be right to seem like you’re trying to hide something from him. It might actually make him more curious.
I also don’t think it’s a bad thing for our children to know that parents make mistakes too. We’re human, just as our children are and full of sin and mistakes. Our sins weren’t too great for our Savior to forgive, and our past is part of our present and future. As my children get older, I want to share my testimony with them. I don’t want them to ever view me or my husband through a lens of unattainable perfection. Dh and I have done a lot of things in our lives (together and separately) that we’re definitely not proud of, but we’re not ashamed either. Christ’s precious blood has taken care of the shame. As my children reach certain ages and stages in their lives, we hope our testimonies of victories and mistakes will be living examples to them of how hurtful and deceitful sin is. I hope that they will hear our stories and choose a different path. I believe that is why God allows us to have testimonies…to be overcomers and to help others overcome!
My opinion is that a graphic conversation probably isn’t necessary at this age. That can be saved for pre-teen or even teenage years. The fact remains that he’s asking questions, and I think our children deserve honest answers, not an “that’s none of your business” answers. It does us well to remember Corrie Ten Boom’s story of how her father protected her from knowing too much too young. If it’s a thought, idea, or burden to heavy for our children to carry it, we save it for a later time. Perhaps a simple answer such as, “Well son, the Bible tells us we’ve all sinned and fallen short of God’s glory. Your mom and I have done things that we knew we shouldn’t. One of those things is that we were together in a way that God doesn’t allow until marriage. Yes, you were in your mom’s womb before we were married, and we are so blessed to have you as our son. God redeemed our mistake! What the enemy wanted to use to destroy our lives, God used to bless us as a family.”
To me, that’s so simple, yet said in such a way that your son knows he isn’t a mistake. Anyway, I know my opinion is a bit different from some others, but I give it with grace and humility, knowing that under the right circumstances, we are all capable of anything.
Blessings to you today,
Lindsey
Thanks Rachel I do see what you are saying. I will look at Queens materials.
Pangit, thanks that is a great way to explain the role of a family. I agree to keep it simple and then see where it goes.
Ladyofthehouse, I think the sleeping together part might spark his interest too much but I agree with keeping it simple.
Linda I agree. He is going to figure it out eventually and he is already interested so I think out with it. My worry is that he will then ask more about how babies get there because he thinks only married people have babies so telling him that clearly changes that view.
Meagan I do need to keep the lines of communication open. My husband is often gone so I want my boys to be able to talk to me even if they would prefer their father.
My3boys, I agree that he doesn’t want the big boy talk but he does need the little boy one. I do want to get him the big boy talk before he hears it elsewhere. Hopefully that will wait a few years.
Iamasahm, thanks for that information. I had no idea. We do want them to be open with us and learn it at home.
Lindsey, that is what hubby said. Just tell him and explain we all sin. Great talk you have written there..great ideas.
Thanks everyone so much!
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