The reward system

Studies have demonstrated that we lose interest in the things we do for rewards—even when we found those things interesting in the first place. (Alfie Kohn’s book Punished by Rewards is a great source for this information.) I am not a veteran parent, but I watched this happen again and again in the PS kindergarten where I worked, in everything from good behavior to reading.

I’d like to share two pivotal passages from Charlotte Mason, who had much to say about the use of extrinsic motivation in education. She had great faith in children as persons (an idea directly opposed to the behaviorist approach), and felt such reward systems disregarded and even crushed a child’s God-instilled hunger for knowledge.

“[T]he desire of knowledge is commonly deprived of its proper function in our schools by the predominance of other springs of action, especially of emulation, the desire of place, and avarice, the desire of wealth, tangible profit… [S]o besotted is our educational thought that we believe children regard knowledge rather as repulsive medicine than as inviting food. Hence our dependence on marks and prizes, athletics, alluring presentation, any jam we can devise to disguise the powder. The man who wilfully goes on crutches has incompetent legs; he who chooses to go blindfold has eyes that cannot bear the sun; he who lives on pap-meat has weak digestive powers, and he whose mind is sustained by the crutches of emulation and avarice loses that one stimulating power which is sufficient for his intellectual needs. This atrophy of the desire of knowledge is the penalty our scholars pay because we have chosen to make them work for inferior ends. Our young men and maidens do not read unless with the stimulus of a forthcoming examination. They are good-natured and pleasant but have no wide range of thought, lofty purpose, little of the magnanimity which is proper for a citizen. Great thoughts and great actions are strange to them…”

“[T]he worst of using other spurs to learning is that a natural love of knowledge which should carry us through eager school-days, and give a spice of adventure to the duller days of mature life, is effectually choked; and boys and girls ‘Cram to pass but not to know; they do pass but they don’t know.’ The divine curiosity which should have been an equipment for life hardly survives early schooldays.”

My experience, no rewards…..teach them to do things because it is the right thing to do and for no other reason.  I jumped on the rewards bandwagon and have since jumped off and have started to undo the damage I did, which is always so much harder!!!

My kids knew what was expected of them but instead of them seeing a towel had dropped from the towel rack and think to themselves, oh, a towel dropped, let me pick it back up and put it back where it needs to go…..I got this….Mom, what will you give me to pick this up?

UGH!!! How rude is that and while I would never do it, I must admit my first thought was  how about I NOT slap you upside your head? LOL

I bought Laying down the Rails and I watched Sonya’s DVD and BAM it hit me. I had strengthened the wrong circuits in my children’s brains. So, I started doing CM’s method of calling them into the room and letting them make the connections on what needed to be done rather than me telling them specifically what I needed.

They still have chores that they are currently learning how to master, but these are listed as life skills and included in their schooling records. We have since explained that they are required to clean up after themselves and this is their responsibility as a household member and should not include me telling them they made a mess and didn’t clean it.

As for rewards….they are allowed electronic time if they completed their chores in a timely manner that do not include any family drama and if they were responsible family members and cleaned up after themselves.  So If I have to call them in a room and say “You have unfinished business in here” then they lost their electronic time.

As for earning money…. I have a jar with jobs they can complete to my satisfaction and the $ I will pay, but they have to have my permission before doing task so that  I can make sure it is a task needing doing at the time. Examples would be…….completely wipe down frig inside and out $0.50 OR wash car $5.00 OR detail car inside $2.50 OR Bath dog $0.50  OR organize kitchen cabinets tupperware and pots & pans $0.50 a cabinet.

I wish I never did the star charts and rewards etc…. it made them feel as though they shouldn’t do anything unless they got something for it, but worse is that it made them believe they didn’t have to do it if they didn’t want the reward!! So then they started to try and negotiate getting more of a reward etc…

My kids are 8 & 9 and I have been working with them for a 18 months now and it is getting better. For instance, we had lunch at the In Laws yesterday and prior to working with my kids, they would have left the table to go play and leave clean up for anyone else, but since I have been Laying Down the Rails and honing certain traits, after the meal I began to clear away the table, both kids helped without being told and asked their dad and granddad if they wanted a tea refill. I began washing the dishes, while my MIL put the food in the frig and my son swept the dining room while my daughter got the tea refills.   This should be expected of all kids to help out in all things and this may not seem that big of a deal, but it is huge for us and I do think the reward system is where it all went wrong.  HTH.