Teens: moodiness, depression, unmotivated, friends

DISCLAIMER:  I AM NOT AN EXPERT ON DEPRESSION, but I did suffer from depression as a teen.

Your son seems to have been suffering from depression for sometime.  Do you feel that it is primarily hormone or circumstance related or that he has always been a melancholy child?  Can you remember the last time he seemed really happy or engaged in an activity?  If he is not interested in things like he used to be, or hasn’t shown any real interest or joy in sometime you should probably look into symtoms of chronic depression and decide if his problem goes deeper than just the lack of close friendships. 

How is he connecting with dad?  Is your husband able to give him some extra time, especially on a regular basis?  Is there something they have in common that they could do together just the two of them?  Fishing, camping, hiking, attending sporting events, working together on an old car or a wood working project? I would be careful to make sure that the situation doesn’t feel forced, like dh is trying to get him to open-up, but that it should just be a time of fun male bonding.  Even if boys say they don’t want it, they all crave dad’s attention and approval.  It’s not the same as having a good friend outside the family, but it is a very important relationship that  really needs nurturing, especially at this point in your son’s life.  It can be pretty hard on a boy being stuck with mom and younger sibblings all day.

What really does motivate him?  Does he like cars?  Music?  Sports?  Serving in a ministry?  Is he old enough for a part-time job or to do some volunteer work somewhere?  It’s important for him to feel he has a purpose and that what he does matters to someone else.  Does he have a hobby or interest that he may like to pursue as a career someday?  Could a mentor be found that could really encourage him in this hobby or interest? 

I think moodiness and lack of motivation, and even depression, is common in teen years.  I think often that is a symtom of the world we live in — the average teen today is being raised by tv and peers — no wonder they’re depressed.  Of course hormones and personality have much to do with it, too.  Continue to pray for God’s leading in how best to assist your son in this phase.

It’s really hard to figure out who you are. The teen years are beginning that process – a process which lasts for many years I think. Little boys who were fine playing trucks together discover they are not so compatible in the more intricate world of looming adulthood. You are trying to figure out what you like, what you want to do and become, your own interests and dreams and desires, and all of that while the most intense hormonal changes of your life are going on.

I don’t have teens yet but I have worked with many and was one myself 🙂 I remember a time of depression, loneliness, and isolating myself. I was homeschooled too. This time in my life was hard, but it birthed a lot of character and intimacy with God. I lost my friends and was hurt. The best thing for me was some role models from church who encouraged me to draw closer to God. I came through it, and it was often remarked upon that I had remarkable confidence for a teen. I had started figuring out who I was – beginning with my relationship with God as his child.

I encourage you to point your teen towards God. Maybe God wants to use this time to form a man after His heart and not another peer-driven teen.

Tara

my3boys, I wonder if one thing you can do to help him is to really celebrate the fact that he is his own person? What I mean is not that you don’t, but to really push the idea that yes, perhaps he is different, but that is OK and for him to really appreciate his uniqueness. My oldest has always beat to a different drum as they say and he even when in public school was never the “popular” kid or the one invited to a lot of b-day parties, but he has always seemed to be comfortable in this, in his own skin.

He does have Boy Scouts for which I am very grateful, b/c that is his thing. He also has recently begun volunteering with the 4H group we are involved in and at church as well. He would like to go on a mission trip and that is in our future, when it works out for DH to go on the trip with him. That is very important to us though our church allows children his age to go w/out a parent (other adults do go).

Anyway, my son doesn’t have friends per se, but he does have his Scout troop and it is a good fit for him b/c it is smaller and b/c of that boys of multiple ages are often together and it is not age-segregated at all. My son too has always tended to be very mature for his age, and he has always seemed to know goals and dreams for himself. He hopes to work for LEGO corp. in Denmark and be a missionary there as well.

Having said all of that, one of my other sons struggles with friendships too and it bothers him. He definitely has some depression at times and can really let his situation (whatever that may be re: friends) weigh on him. This summer he went to church camp and had asked to be with 3 different people (this was on the form), but he wasn’t put in that cabin. He was instead put in the 3rd cabin for his age group and he cried before leaving for camp. I think it was the realization that these boys he thought were his friends didn’t request him in their cabin (and probably no one else did either since he was placed in the “last” cabin). Talk about a broken heart for Momma. Then I realized this was an opportunity perhaps b/c in all honesty a couple of the boys are not good influences on him. Not bad kids just bring out the worser in DS, and you know, he made a couple of new friends.

But yeah, I know how for one of our sons it can weigh on him while the other seems to accept who he is and that being unique is really a great thing. That it is OK to not seem to fit in with the cool kids, but my other son is always trying to fit. I guess like others have said you need to just continue helping your son see his wonderful character qualities and present opportunities where he can exercise those. My one son is great with little kids and he loves to help in my 3YO class at church on Sunday mornings. You never know what might be a good opportunity for your son to exercise his God-given gifts. I think that is a key: helping him find ways to do that! Great for the soul! Prayers will be lifted for your son too.

Well, this is tough.  First, I don’t know if your son has always NEEDED his own time without friends.  I have one child like that (and he is now in his teens).  If he has been a social butterfly before and this is new behavior for him, I would definitely feel some red flags have been raised.  Is he also just beginning to be negative about everyone and everything?  Have his eating and sleep patterns changed?  Those are also sypmtoms of depression.

OR is he just wired to not need a social setting 24/7?  Still, even if he is wired that way, I DO agree with you to have him work on getting out there.  Why do I say that?  Well, I do know the latest craze is to elevate shyness and give excuses for it, but that isn’t healthy.  I’ve seen ALOT of homeschool parents do that in my world.  It gives the kid all kinds of ways to wiggle out of uncomfortable situations (presentations, speeches, working on teams with others, responding to discussions with adults etc…)  

What is often mistaken for shyness can sometimes be morphed into downright rudeness.  Not saying ANY of this is your son, but I do think all of us are wired to a degree one way or another and we need to work on those areas.  Sometimes I think, “wow, so shy kids and teens can get a pass with ‘he’s just shy’ but would outgoing kids ever get a pass with the parent stating ‘you’ll have to excuse Mary.  She’s just really aggressive.'” No, they wouldn’t get a pass and would be expected to work on the overwhelming aspect of their behavior.

I think we all need our downtime and alone time.  However, after reading Proverbs 18 this week, I do think too much of it may cause us to become a little self-centered.  People are risky creatures to have friendships with.  They aren’t always honest, they manipulate, lie, cheat, say hurtful things.  But they are supposed to be in our lives since God created them.  This is why when I see a hundred posts by one of my facebook aquaintances about how much better animals are than people, it makes me think that the poster just doesn’t think people are worth having real relationships.  Gosh, now I’m rambling.  

But ya know, you are so honest about stating that this worries you about your son.  You aren’t in denial that maybe, just maybe, there is something going on there.  So THAT makes me NOT worried about him, because you are being honest about him:)  That is the BEST gift you can give him.

Five of my children are ex-teenagers and I currently have two teenagers and this seems pretty common to me,  I wouldn’t be overly concerned unless it goes on for too long.  Some of the keys for us to help our kids through this stage are:  plenty of physical affection (hugs, a quick pat on the back, whatever doesn’t make your child cringe), verbal encouragement (easy, natural comments such as, “Oh, thanks that helped me a lot.” or :”you did a good job with such-and-such”; physical exertion whether it’s work or play; alone time; fun family time; and some type of service to focus on someone else’s needs.  Ideally this is a time of great spiritual growth, so pray with thanksgiving for what God is doing!

In general, direct conversation to talk about the “problem” is the kiss of death and should be avoided except in extreme situations.