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Teenagers and time spent out of home?
- This topic has 12 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 2 months ago by
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We are a one car family. This means that my husband has the car everyday except for our weekly co-op day. He is very good at taking my girls to activities in the evening.
My girls are pre teen at the moment but this could be a long term situation and I have started worrying that it is not socially and emotionally healthy for teenagers to be home so much during the day. Currently, they have 2 – 3 activities at night (kids club, sport), one night at Grandparents for dinner, one day at co-op and activities on the weekend including church on Sunday.
I don’t have an issue with the amount of activities they are doing but is it strange that they are home all day four days out of the week? It feels strange to me since we don’t know any other families doing it this way!
What do you think?
I would love to hear what other families with older children are doing.
Don’t have kids older than preteens, yet…but we have many friends with teenagers homeschooling.
I think the question you may want to ask yourself is, “What are my teenagers missing by being at home?” Is it the lack of peer influence? Are they not working hard at home? I am not sure where the problem would come in? Are you guys new to homeschooling and this is an adjustment period for you?
Personally, it sounds to me as if your kids are extremely socially active.
The homeschooled teenagers we know spend their time at home on their studies, participating in sports & extracurricular activities, working either in the home or part time elsewhere, participating in ministry and church activities, and volunteering in the community. They avoid so much pressure and develop their social skills in a much less competitive and more natural setting than thier PS peers. I can’t imagine a better way for a person to come into adulthood!
Thankyou! Your questions are great. “Are they not working hard at home?” is the question that most resonates with me.
No, they are not productive at home. We are fine until early afternoon because we are busy with school and then a late lunch.
To be honest, I am sick of trying to keep them occupied in the afternoons as I have my own chores and 1 – 2 hours of part time work to do. (I also tutor on some of the evenings while my husband takes them to their activities).
For two years we didn’t have tv and computers during the weekdays but I don’t know if that helped finding any other alternative activities.
I am really at a lost to know what to do with them in the afternoons since they don’t like to read, go outside and one of them really dislikes crafts!
For those of you who are at home alot as we are… do you plan your afternoons to keep your children busy? My dds are almost 12 and almost 8. Thanks so much!
My daughters now young adults, spent a lot of their teenage years at home, and were busy in the house, with crafts, helping in the yard, and focusing on their studies and their hobbies. They went to the barn a couple times a week, but aside from that were home – it never bothered them a jot, and now they have many hobbies, many interests and still go to the barn where they are with people of all ages riding and socialising. We taught the the girls from a young age to have inquisitive natures and good imaginations – they watched virtually no tv when they were young, and even now they are not interested in TV though they like some movies. They were always able to entertain themselves and I never showed them how to do that, I gave them the materials/toys/ whatever and they figured out ways to play without me telling them what to do. I think a lot of older kids don’t know what to do with themselves, because we interfere and manage their activities too much. We let them loose in the garden with tools, and toys in the summer and they kept their own little garden. They would build farms and play with their doll house, and all I would do is let them show me what was going on…if they specifically asked for help I would give it, otherwise I would just observe. They are also well read and love reading and are never bored having cultivated many skills and hobbies over the years. One of my daughters is doing a lot of sewing now, and cooking and baking – the other is doing crochet, doing a lot of art on the computer and freehand and both ride. They are also studying hard still, doing some online classes. This perhaps won’t help you much, but maybe they should try and learn to occupy themselves because they do have quite a few activities already. I never appreciated the words I am bored in our house, I would tell them to find something constructive to do, or I would find something for them, they pretty quickly learned that it was better for them to do something constructive, and after that there was no problem. Good luck.
I think every family is different in this area. I can’t imagine running kids to multiple activities every night at ANY age. But I know others are the opposite and can’t imagine not having multiple activities for each child. To each their own!
May I suggest that you encourage them to find hobbies/handicrafts/skills? Just because they don’t like to read, go outside, or do the crafts they have tried does not mean there is nothing they will enjoy. I tell my children often that it’s okay to be bored because that is how you get great ideas. And that until they get great ideas I have a list of chores they can do around the house if they feel the need to complain about boredom! LOL. Nobody stays bored here. (I have seven ages 11 down to 1, with #8 due this summer).
Some suggestions for hobbies/handicrafts/skills to try:
Journaling or nature journals
Letter writing – good old fashioned letters, not email!
Sewing
Knitting
Origami
Card making
Cooking
Baking
Painting
Drawing
Jewelry making (with paper beads even!)
Jump rope
Play an instrument (piano, guitar, recorder, anything)
Clay/Sculpey Crafting/beading
A fun way to give them a nudge in the right direction is to buy a craft kit/book by Klutz. My girls have learned many handicrafts with these as the nudge to try the waters. My girls are 7 and 11 and have taught themselves in the last year to to knit, do origami, make jewelry from safety pins and beads as well as paper beads, and they’re teaching themselves to sew both by hand and with a machine. They just need to get past the ‘it’s hard and awkward’ stage and get familiar with the materials. Then it becomes enjoyable.
Sounds good to me, if not a bit busy! But then I’m a bit of an introvert and LIKE to be at home. My 2 12-yr-olds go to church on Sunday and have Scouts on Wednesday. They sometimes have a campout one weekend a month, but sometimes not. Once in a while we’ll get together with other homeschool families or with their friends (once a month, sometimes every other month). And that’s it.
They are good at keeping themselves busy. Usually by the afternoon they have their schoolwork done, if not they work on that. They also have a book they need to read by Saturday (their choice) that is not a school book. They do chores. They draw, play outside (even in the cold), do Wii exercise games, play with toys or swords, board or card games, build Legos, etc. Mostly they read or talk to each other or whatever it is that boys do. Once in a while I’ll let them watch educational shows or research something they’re interested in.
I haven’t heard “I’m bored” in years. If you tell me you’re bored you get a chore. For a while I had a really clean house and then they figured out how to entertain themselves. One of the things that helped them was to ‘see’ what was available. I made a huge list of all the things they could do with their time, including each and every game we had. The list was extensive. After a few chores they figured out how to check the list and find something to do. They no longer need the list and my house is no longer as clean.
Thankyou to both of you! I am taking notes. I think the best approach might be to make a list of things from which they can choose from rather than planning each afternoon activity. And of-course limiting the screen time again!
Edited to add – thanks Crazy4boys; I think we were posting at similar times.
I am currently raising my 7th teenager, and there are three more in the “pipeline”. I’m pretty much on board with what the other moms are saying– “Bored” is a swear word around here 🙂 and will earn you a free ticket to heavy labor. Thus, I haven’t heard even a whisper of the word in many, many years.
I do think that giving kids too many outside activities and too much structured time can limit their imaginations and create kids who are easily bored. Your plan to limit screen time and give them a list of activities to choose from sounds very wise. And I don’t think that you need to feel at all guilty about not planning activities for them in the afternoons.
One thing I noticed about the time period approaching Christmas was that my kids (well, my girls) all had ideas to make most of their gifts to friends & family or to purchase a few things. Both worked to my advantage as they were asking to do things around the house to earn a little extra money, and they were willing to push through schoolwork and chores in a timely manner so they could rush off to work on their projects.
Perhaps if either of them has a birthday celebration coming up, you could turn over the planning and preparation of that to them. If they have to make simple decorations and gifts, plan a menu (snacks or a family dinner), prepare the house and the meal, they could be kept busy for days….weeks, even, the way my kids plan things. And I’m not even talking about an elaborate party here–just a family lunch or dinner. They will often make posters, put up streamers and other things they’ve made; they come up with a theme for it; they plan family games like a scavenger hunt for small candies or a treasure map for the birthday person to find their gifts; they’ve even made party hats or badges for us to wear. They’ll even clean the house….sort of.
We’ve also got my oldest helping in our church’s preschool class on Sundays, and we’ve found she’s very good at it. My youngest (12) is not necessarily gifted as a young children’s teacher, but she is excellent at helping me plan activities and crafts for various church events, and she even helped the adults who were putting up Christmas decorations at the church back in November. She was such a great help that the lady in charge has asked for her opinions and hands-on help with other things around the church that need a creative touch.
When you give preteens and teens a project that allows them to show what they can do without being given every little direction, you have the chance to see what they are really capable of.
I did not read everyones responses. Nor do I have time to write much. But my thoughts are simple:
My 2 sons are 13 & 14. They do youth night and family activities. That’s it. Play dates when it arrises but they are home with us on most weeks 6 days a week (youth night the one night they are not).
Here is my point. I went to a public school and it wasn’t great lost of issues. I started at a private school for the 1st 8 years then to public high school. I worked at night (single parent what not). I still got into trouble (nothing major) that I am not proud of.
If your dc have places that want to be and you want them there then I say figure it out and go for it. If you are just worried they are home at night so much I say stop worrying. Being out isn’t all good, or even 1/2 good most of the time. God will place in your heart, your dh’s heart and in the children’s heart when it’s time to change. These are just my personal thoughts. I have never worried that my children are with me so much. They still have so much to learn that with me is truly the best place for them to be. Good luck in finding the answer to this most difficult question that can truly only happen with prayer and listening for God’s prompting in this matter. Misty
I have not read all the posts, but here are my initial thoughts…
If the afternoons are problem times, you may need to think about giving them more responsibility. A pre-teen or teenager is quite capable of planning a meal and preparing it for the family. That could occupy their time for at least an hour or two a couple times per week and give them valuable life skills. Crafts are a good idea, but I would probably limit it simply because it’s not realistic for an adult to have 3-4 hours a day to devote to crafts; and after all, we are training these kids to be adults, aren’t we? I am all for crafts and creativity, but a healthy dose of responsibility and work should be given as well, in my opinion. I was raised on a horse ranch, and my brothers and I learned the value of manual labor from a young age. I am thankful that my parents didn’t allow us to sit around and watch TV or do crafts all day (although these things were allowed). Are there some tasks around the house that your teens could tackle? Perhaps it’s been a while since your garage has had a good cleaning or maybe you’ve got a fence that needs mending. Could they take on the project of alphabetizing your book shelves or cleaning out closets? Yes, please give them time to be creative and explore their own interests, but also give them a fair share of good, hard work.
As for your question of them being at home too much…
I don’t know that I’d worry about that. At home, they are pretty much guaranteed to be surrounded by your and your husband’s positive influence, which isn’t a bad thing, the peer pressure is lessened, and they are learning life skills that will equip them into adulthood. I am a home body, so I don’t ever feel like I’m home too much. If your teens were 16-17 years old, I’d say that it would be a good idea to encourage them to get a part-time job, perhaps babysitting, tutoring, as a grocery sacker, or something like that. I’m not sure I’d encourage working at a retail store or mall, simply because you’d then be dealing with them wanting to spend their hard-earned money or being around unsupervised teenagers in those environments.
I hope you get it figured out!
Lindsey
Thanks everyone. We are going to sit down and work out some ideas this week. My husband did make the point though that, since they are out quite a bit at nights, their afternoons take the place of other people’s evenings as a time to relax and unwind.
Also, I was worrying about when there were teenagers, forgetting that school will gradually take longer and we probably won’t be finished by 1:00pm or 1:30pm as we currently are.
Thanks again. It was interesting to read everyone’s thoughts.
I love the ‘if you are bored, you get a chore’ approach. I can say a big ‘Amen’ to that! When my kids say, “I’m bored” they get our laminated ‘Fun Things to Do’ list. If they can’t find something from that list, then they get to be mom’s helper. One afternoon of that, and they are ready to find their own activities!
I think boredom is a good tool to learn resourcefulness and how to make yourself productive. There are no boring houses, only boring people ;0) – but it does help to have books AND things for them to do.
And I think your hubby makes a good point about down time in the afternoons if your evenings are very busy. Hope you work out a balance that makes everyone happy!
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