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teaching children to do the right thing the first time every time. need advice
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I have an 8 year old daughter who it seems always tries to get out of chores and work. When it’s her day to do dishes she always has to go to the bathroom just when she’s suppose go start them and she’s in there forever. Then today, she was suppose to be helping with something and she goes and hides behind couch instead of helping. Also I told her to take care of her socks that I found stuffed in a corner behind some stuff (this happens often) and she put them in her dresser instead of the dirty clothes. I tell both girls repeatedly to put their clothes away right after folding but they never do. They sit on their bedroom floor or on top of their dresser. I have told myself to just let it go and see how long it takes for them to get sick of the mess but I can never outlast them.
I will not call any of them lazy even if it seems they are because I was called lazy as a child/teen by my Mom and sister and I certainly am not that way now. I tell her to do the right thing the first time every time because I want her to think of it her self but am I expecting to much at her age? Should I tell her how to do each step? The thing with that is though is that she is kind of spacey and forgets things from one room to the next and instead of asking she just pretends to do what I said even though she isn’t sure its right. Its a very stressful time for me right now as we are moving next week plus I have to leave for work in the afternoon and leave them a list of things they need to do before Dad gets home and bedtime instead of being there to make sure it gets done myself. My oldest daughter tries but they don’t like listening to her. Maybe I need to write out every single step on the list for her? The problem with that is I forget to write stuff down until I’m in the car and driving.
Prayers would help too! Maybe I am just stressing about it to much?
My children learn to sort/fold and put away laundry when they are 4 (some can help with socks/washcloths earlier), so I really don’t think you are expecting too much out of an 8 year old at all. I don’t know your family situation, but I would say to sit down with your husband and discuss appropriate consequences that you both agree with and can follow through with. A mom telling their children repeatedly isn’t much motivation, at least not in my house. So at our house we do different things, one is they owe me money (or an extra chore if they don’t have money) when they leave things out like shoes that they know to put on their shoe shelf. We also use tally marks, they start the day with so many, than lose one each time they forgetfully disobey, purposefully disobey, etc. If they have them all they get to stay up and play a game with us for an extra 15 minutes, if they lose them all they go to be 15 minutes earlier for each set of tally marks lost.
If you don’t feel she knows exactly how to do a chore, then yes, walk her through each step for a while until you feel she knows what you expect, check to make sure she’s done things correctly, then start with the consequences.
I’m sure others have better ideas than mine, but it sounds like she needs basic obedience/respect training (deceitful to pretend to do what you say but not do it, hiding behind the couch is rebellious if you’ve told her to do something else). Best wishes, I’m sure it’s very stressful right now with everything you have going on.
I have an 8 year old that has done this since we started having her do any chores. She works harder to get out of doing work. LOL crazy kids. I basically got tired of it all and I tried talking it out explaining that by not doing her best or doing as she is told, she is being dishonest and she really could care less. Bottom line she doesn’t care if she does her part, so I came up with a way to make her care. First, if I find she has not done as asked by choice or tries to take short cuts, then the consequence is that she gets to do an extra chore for each infraction. Basically, I tell her if she isn’t doing her chores properly, then she needs more practice to be really good at them. I add stuff she doesn’t like to do like toilet scrubbing, or dog washing, or baseboard wiping, or trash can washing and I make sure she does it without complaint. I have found if I consistently inspect her work, then she stays on task better. HTH
I have done the more work thing with her complaining but haven’t been consistent with it because of all that’s going on. I need to get back in that groove again. DH & I had a discussion with all of them today but especially her and hiding is like lying or I forgot is also like lying/disobedience and the punishment for that is spanking. And when Dad gives out a spanking it is not nice. We don’t like to do it but this was her last warning today.
Thanks for the ideas. I may implement sone sort of some thing if needed.
We had a bout where kids were damaging the other one’s property too and not caring OR they would promise something or say they would do something, but when it came time to do as promised, they wouldn’t and didn’t care how the other person felt, so we initiated a new type of consequence for that and it worked like a charm…we spank, but I try to be creative first…anyway, if my daughter told my son he could pick the next game, but then not play what he picked and then a fight would ensue creating family drama and me refereeing etc… So I started slave time… my daughter was the one who did this mostly to her younger brother. She would promise to help him clean his room if he helped her first…then once her room was clean she would bail and he would bawl, so she would become his slave for 2 hours. I would set a timer and for 2 hours she had to do whatever he said without complaint as long as what he had her doing wasn’t dangerous. So then he would have her clean his room by herself while he played and then he had her playing all the games he likes with him etc. She disliked this immensely, but it taught her that your word should be your bond and she learned that being a slave is awful. She could choose to get out of being a slave but that usually included loosing the most treasured toy and a spanking. She was a slave to her dad once and he had her giving him a back rub, foot massage, & he had her running to put this away or refill his drink etc. she was constantly on the go….we went out to eat and he had her opening doors for him etc. She learned quick not to promise something unless you really mean to follow thru. I never thought about making her a slave for getting out of chores… I really want her to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around her and I can’t figure out why she is so rooted to that belief. I can relate to your situation for sure!!
It sounds like your dd has figured out that you’re letting her get away with this behavior. Your description of her personality (forgetfulness, spacey, does things half way) sounds so much like my dd, who is also 8. I’m sure you’ve figured out that nagging does not work with these types of children! So, here’s what I’d suggest:
- Don’t give a command that you don’t intend on following through with. Your dd probably hears you tell her to do something, goes off to try to get out of it, and you turn your back to go on with what you were doing. This may take several weeks of dropping whatever you’re doing and staying right beside her until she finishes the task the way you expect it to be done.
- My dd sometimes likes lists, sometimes not. What I’ve found is that putting more than 3 things on a list for her to do is overwhelming for her, and she shuts down. So if you’re going to make a list for your dd, start small–and still plan on staying right there to make sure she stays on task.
- NATURAL CONSEQUENCES! I cannot emphasize this enough. If your dd wastes time when she should be working, then she should expect to lose her own free time. Taking too much time in the bathroom when she should be doing the dishes? Then she should miss out on a fun family game or movie night so that she can finish her job. When either of our children has dawdled around and made their work slow, my dh and I will purposely and spontaneously come up with a fun activity for us to do that will cause that child to regret their choice. When they have to fold laundry that should have been folded long ago and listen or watch the rest of us play cards or something, they learn quickly that they don’t want repeat that behavior.
- Hiding behind the couch to get out of work is blatant disobedience and disrespect, in my opinion. I have never had either of my children do this before, but I would absolutely treat it as disobedience. If they’re told to do something and choose to do something else to get out of the task, they are willfully disobeying. In our home, behavior like this would most likely warrant a spanking or extra work assigned. Even if my children complain about their chores, I assign them extra chores. I tell them that they obviously need practice doing work with a cheerful attitude and I want to make sure they have lots of work to do to practice.
- Praise her like crazy when she does something right away and the right way. Let her feel a sense of accomplishment and a job well done when she does put her mind to it and finish something well.
I do not think you’re asking too much of your dd, unless you haven’t showed her how to wash dishes, sort socks, etc. If you’re asking her to do them without showing her what to do first, then you’ve set her up for failure. (I’ve learned this the hard way.) It sounds like you’ve shown her, and she’s figured out that you’re not serious about her behavior. My suggestions may sound harsh, but you’re the parent and you’ve got to outlast the child. A few weeks of harsh consequences, and she won’t be so quick to shirk her work.
Hope this helps,
Lindsey
Thanks ladies! I agree with everything you said even if it does sound harsh. And its all things I have already implemented for the most part, its just with trying to pack things up and go thru the junk we have accumulated that I have let things slide. I like the idea of doing something fun while they finish the chore they should have completed long before. My boys do this too.
Aahh family. Its always a work in progress is it not? And we don’t spank unless we are left no choice. They know the consequences.
This whole bit about staying on top of the kids and whether they’re following through is so tiring!!! However, I feel like in my house, we’ve turned a corner – or maybe we’re still in the process of turning the corner. Either way, FINALLY (after 3 years!!!!!) the children in the house are actually tidying their rooms before breakfast. It took delaying their breakfast and it took me leaving the pancakes to burn while I checked and re-checked their rooms. But finally, they’re getting it!!!
A while back, someone (Tristan??) said about having children do chores for a year at a time, instead of changing. That has been such good advise for our house. My daughter is washing the breakfast dishes everyday – she hates washing dishes. But I feel like that’s something I need done and I’ve asked her to do it. AFter many weeks of me working beside her (with me rinsing and stacking), she’s doing it on her own. Now the trouble is that she pokes and dawdles!!! So, we’ve followed the advice of natural consequences given here and we don’t see results yet…..but I”m sure we will- hopefully before 3 years are up!! *L*
Just wanted to share some encouragement (? maybe ???? 3 years is a long time! *L*)
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