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Teaching (And Re-Teaching) R-E-S-P-E-C-T
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Hello Everyone,
As most of you know, because of health challenges I had to take a couple months off of homeschooling (and really, parenting). Not the best season of my life, but I am grateful to be healing. The problem is that while Mom was out of the picture, my kids developed some bad habits in the Respect department. This is something that has been a constant struggle in our home but it definitely mushroomed the last few months. My dd is 13yo and my boys are 12,10,8, and 6.
So, what we are dealing with is:
Rude words, lots of criticism and correcting each other – among my boys, especially
Coarse joking/potty mouth (my husband doesn’t see this as a big deal, so he let it slide and now it is out of control)
Interrupting each other and talking loudly over other people
Arguing back to me or reasoning with me when given an instruction
Feeling free to criticize my decisions and actions (choice of activities, meals, etc)
Whining about chores/responsibilities
Don’t get me wrong, my kids really are nice kids. Some of these behaviors are rare, but they used to NEVER happen and now they do. And since I still don’t have the physical energy to track them down, monitor every conversation and discipline for every offense, I feel overwhelmed.
Can you tell me how you handle these things in your family and what your suggestions would be? I physically cannot spank right now, so non-spanking discipline or maybe deferred spanking is my only option. I really just need some creative techniques to make Respect a priority in our home once again. Thank you!
We go through periods where all the above creep in to daily life. One of my boys right now is basically not ever saying anything kind or encouraging, so he stays with me in the same room all day (and I’ve had to have all of them in the same room which is quite a challenge!) so I can monitor his conversations/comments to others and correct them with him. We work on trying to remember not saying anything unless it builds others up or is helpful or important. If it isn’t one of those, then it shouldn’t be said. If he can’t do it well even with me helping, then he’s not allowed to talk for a period of time. Then we try again, and if he can’t, the no talking period increases. He stays with me for a couple of days and then usually does much better.
We also have a tally mark/encouragement slip system, they lose tally marks for things like that (unkind words, inappropriate speech, causing strife, etc). I keep it on our chalkboard (painted:) wall in the kitchen . They go to bed 15 minutes early for each set they lose, if they have all of them at the end of the day they get to stay up 15-30 minutes later depending on the age of the child. The encouragment slips are for cheerful hearts, obedience, dilligence, peacemaker, etc. When they get 30, they get a reward (1.00, treat, “sleepover” downstairs, etc). That has seemed to help motivate/remember to be more kind.
I know I haven’t dealt with the heart issue, or specific verses (Ephesians 4:29!), which we talk about each time, but just had a couple minutes. I’m sure you are weary enough, but press on in getting a handle on all of that, it can be exhausting!
@amama5 -Thank you for the thoughtful reply! Your tally system sounds doable and keeping them with me is a good idea, as well. May I ask how many tally marks they start the day with? And do they carry over to the next day? When they get to 30 marks, they get a reward? Is that right?
I have gone over and over this with Bible study, prayer, scripture, etc…they ‘know’ (ie: theoretically) what is right. They are just in the habit of doing wrong! I am hoping that the Lord will help change hearts and habits so that we can live peacefully and respectfully again!
We do three tally marks daily for each child, that seemed to be a good number for allowing second chances but you could figure out what works for your kids. The tally marks don’t carry over to the next day, it’s like “new mercies every morning.” So for example, if a child lost two tally marks on Monday, that means they go to bed at normal 8:30 bedtime (8:15 if they lost all three). Then on Tues morning, everyone’s tally marks get raised to three to start over.
The slips are in a different spot, I actually made little pockets with their picture on them; you could just use folders, or even just “good” tally marks. Those do carry over, because some kids take weeks to get a reward, some get one or two rewards per week, depending on their personalitities:) Hope that helps, let me know if you have any more questions!
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