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Taming a Child's Tongue
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I don’t usually come here for discipline advice, but I am at a loss. I have a 5 year old who has absolutely no control over her tongue. Some days are better than others, and I can definitely tell that there are triggers (lack of sleep, snack, and/or routine.) However, regardless of the trigger, I don’t feel right letting it go completely unchecked. She will say very mean things to her sisters when she is mad. She’ll scream at them and hit them when she is mad. She is very outgoing and a joy to be around much of the time. Her laugh is loud and contagious. She does everything BIG. I frequently joke that all of her emotions are felt about 10x bigger thant the average person. When she is happy, she is HAPPY. When she is sad, she is SAD. And…when she is mad…LOOK OUT! However, that is no excuse for the way she speaks to her family. I can’t allow it to continue. However, all of my efforts to train it out of her have proved to be unproductive. Does anyone have any inisght into this type of behavior and how to best deal with it? My husband and I are really struggling with it. Thanks!
ETA: She also has somewhat of a mean streak in general. She will say things like, “No, I don’t want to play that” just for the sake of being mean. This really bothers me as well. Thoughts?
What we have done for major mouth offenses such as disrespect, back-talking, or meanness is to put vinegar on the child’s tongue. Some use hot sauce, but we find the bitterness of vinegar lends itself to a good explanation. While the vinegar is sitting on the child’s tongue, we say, “Does that taste good?” The child will always shake his head no. Then we add, “Then do you think the way you just spoke to your brother/sister/me was sweet and respectful? It sounds bitter coming out of your mouth just as that vinegar tastes bitter.” After a minute or so of the child having the vinegar on his/her tongue, we allow them to take a drink and wash it away. Then we pray with him/her to use kind and respectful words. Finally, the child must ask whomever they offended for forgiveness.
If the offense continues and vinegar isn’t working (which is VERY rare, but has happened), they are completely separated from the rest of the family for a period of time. We will not tolerate disrespect or unkind words in our home, and that message is reinforced by not allowing the child to interact with or have fun with the rest of our family until they can choose to use their words in a way that shows love and respect.
For the mean streak, we really reinforce one of the 21 Original Rules of This House: We consider one another’s interests ahead of our own.
We have to use this more with our ds than our dd, because he tends to be the more selfish one. But it really does help the child to consider how their actions affect others. He might not want to play with his sister for whatever reason, but when he has to consider how that makes her feel, it helps him to be more sensitive.
I hope that helps. I know what you’re going through it difficult!
Blessings,
Lindsey
Sounds like my 2nd child. She, we believe, is an INTJ personality type like her father, and yes, her emotions are VERY intense (as are my dh’s, though he’s learned to suppress much of his). INTJs are also highly intelligent, which she is, though I wouldn’t go so far as to say she’s “gifted.” One character trait of high intelligence is over-emotion because they cannot connect with others of lower intelligence. As a comparison, my dh has a very high IQ, and he does not connect well with people. (BTW, I have a BA in Psychology, and personality is one of most favoritest parts of psych to study.
) I’m not saying your dd is INTJ, but personality can definitely play a part in it. It’s very, very difficult to diagnose a personality type in a child, though.We are doing Raising Godly Tomatoes with our children, and she is no exception. We discipline her for offenses, and hopefully, over time, she will learn. She is just about 7 now, and I know as she gets older she is maturing anyway, but I can see how we are training it out of her, as well, one day at a time. It is taking f o r e v e r……
Wow, I could have written this post about my 6yo son! I just told my husband if I was allowed to only use one word to describe that child it would be Passionate! Passionately happy, Passionately sad, passionately angry, passionately loving, etc.
Lindsay, thank you for that advice! My mother used to brush our teeth with soap which is not something I am willing to do with my children, but the vinegar? Brilliant! What great scriptural application as well regarding bitter words. Thank you!
Our oldest dd is similar so she is very bossy with her 2 younger sisters. So far I’m trying two things to get her out of the bad habit of being loud at inappropriate times (her voice is super loud when playing in the house at times and we frown on that. We tell her she can be loud outside all she wants!). I have her go to the corner every time she gets too loud. It quickly gets her to think about how loud her voice is and she only has to do the corner 1 x per day. lol We had a talk first about it, that it wasn’t a punishment but a way to get her to remember we have to use an inside voice in the house.
Secondly, to help all 3 of our girls to speak nicely and other good behavior, we are using 21 Rules of This House. I found the list here: http://www.fortifyingthefamily.com/21_rules.htm
In the 21 Rules book http://www.amazon.com/Original-21-Rules-This-House/dp/0923463887 it has posters you can copy, color, and hang up. We work on 2 rules per week. Repeat the rule throughout the day (gentle reminder) and if there is an offense, say the rule gently as a reminder before a consequence comes (we discuss what the consequence is ahead of time). Then we talk together about examples of how we have NOT been following that rule and ways to now follow it.
We have also used the book (Which I use along with the 21 Rules) Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes… in You and Your Kids. I love the approach of how to teach our children to HONOR each other and they steps to do that. Also discusses teaching child how to recognize anger before it blows up and how to work out the problems in a calm way. http://www.amazon.com/Goodbye-Whining-Complaining-Attitudes-Your/dp/0877883548/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1309889960&sr=1-2
I checked out the above books from our local library!
I think the best way is to talk to the child directly about the character flaw she needs to work on (we all have them!) and include the family to work on them together. And praise when you hear your child using these new rules you are learning together. I think both of the books were a blessing. We are only on rule 4 but so far I see success!
HTH!Tara
I second everything LindseyD said in her post, we too use vinegar when there isn’t sweet speech. My daughter that really struggles with this also has spent time alone in her room for long periods at a time, which she does not like.
I also am sure you are probably doing this but sometimes I forget, to pray for her in this specific area, and to have her pray about it too. Ours also have to apologize and ask for forgiveness of the person they were unkind too.
Also, my personal post would be “taming MY tongue”, as far as watching how I’m speaking to the children. I never say things like my daughter says, but sometimes I think they pick up impatience, or harshness and take it to the next level. Sin is the reason for behavior like this, but have you also looked at other sources where she would be getting things (friends, movies, books, etc?) It can be exhausting dealing with character issues in our children, we have enough of our own to deal with!:)
Through His grace alone, Adrienne
We had to use something besides vinegar w/ one ds, he LOVED that strong taste. We had to use the toothbrush sparingly w/ plenty of rinsing because I didn’t have any other thoughts/ideas. Thankfully, it only took a few times to sink in. I generally just had to remind them about it for the same results.
Thanks ladies! I might try the vinegar. We are not typically “vinegar on the tongue” type parents, but maybe a time or two will let her know how serious we are about how she treats her sisters.
Tara – thanks for the book recommendations! I’ve heard of the 21 rules book…I think I’ll get it and I’ll look at the other one you suggested too.
Adrienne – thanks for the reminder to pray with her. While we do this, I don’t think we’ve put as much emphasis on it as we should. And you are so right on about my tongue…ugh…my own sin is so glaring sometimes…
I’ll let you all know how it goes…Thanks again!
The Say Goodbye to Whining…is written by two homeschooling Christian parents (the one a preacher). So has bible verses in it too!
Tara
the 21 rules book looks great. I really appreciate all the recommendations and support available here at SCM! love you ladies!
Amy
I too us ts methods. I have a 4 yr old that I am in process of training self control of his feelings. I have done tons of talking about how we act in our family. If the way he expresses himself is not appropriate he stands on the wall or beside me quietly until he is able to express himself appropriately. I discipline accordingly if he does not obey to stand quietly. I am trying to teach him that he can be pleasant to those around him regardless of how he feels. There have been times we were planning a fun activity and he had to miss out on the activity because of his behavior unless he showed a genuine change of attitude. It has been a very long process, but he is learning. The times that he has to stand or sit and work on changing his attitude are becoming fewer. Just be consistent!
Oh and you probably do this too, but when reading a book together we talk about if whether or not that child has good attitudes etc.., one that comes to mind is Alexander and the no good, very bad day. Alexander could have had a good day if he had worked on changing his attitude early in the day and looked for positives throughout his day. We all have bad days, but it doesn’t mean everyone around us has to suffer too.
When I was a child my mom used a little mustard on our tongues for such things. It was totally ineffective for me. I would refuse to open my mouth, then it would get very physical as she would have to wrestle me to the ground, sit on me, and hold my nose to get my mouth open. It only strengthened my resolve and made me very hateful toward my mother for a season. It was a battle she could not win in that way.
I much prefer a more gentle, natural consequences approach. Rules and consequences can be set up ahead of time. Explain that when someone’s speech or behavior is not polite then they are not allowed to be around the rest of the family. Explain how it makes others feel and how God feels about it. (For example, Colossians 3, James 3, 1 Peter 3:8-12, Galatians 5:22, Proverbs 1218, Proverbs 15:4, Proverbs 21:23, and many others.)
When there’s an infraction then escort the child to sit on his bed alone with permission to join the rest of the family when he is able to be calm and polite. This takes away the power and attention that only feeds the bad behavior. Not much explanation is needed because the rules have been pre-set. Then in a calmer time afterward you can pray together, go over the reasons again, and discuss coping skills to help the child deal with it in the future.
In light of what Doug said (which is a very good point), I would like to point out that fighting with the child to use the consequence is never OK. Yelling, kicking, screaming, and the like only add to the drama and trauma of the situation, which is never fruitful in a good way.
Thankfully, our children submit to our consequences, so we have never had to wrestle with them. Only a few times when they were really young (like 3-4 years old) did we ever have to physically restrain them in order to carry out a consequence. I always hated those instances.
I totally agree that if your child is not willing to submit to your authority and receive the consequence you choose, then time away from everyone is appropriate. You definitely do not want your children to resent you or become angry with you because the situation is full of drama and/or trauma.
As with all things, we must prayerfully consider the appropriate consequences for each child individually. What works for one family or even one child does not necessarily work for another.
Blessings,
Lindsey
I have a drama queen 5 year old, so cute and precious to our family. Like your child, she is very passionate, and when she gets upset it is easy for her to get out of control if I don’t handle things appropriately with her. With being so young, I try to keep her within hearing distance so I can nip things in the bud if I hear her getting sassy. 🙂 With help, she is improving on self control habits a little everyday.
One book that has really helped me lately is Give Them Grace. Basically it has helped me understand that parenting only by law is a hopeless cycle and we need to point our children gently to their need for a savior. Quoting from the book, “Instead of transmitting the gloriously liberating and life changing truths of the gospel, we have taught our children that what God wants from them is morality. We have told them that being good is the be-all, end-all of their faith. This isn’t gospel, we are not handing down Christianity. We need much less Veggie Tales and Barney and tons more radical, bloody, scandalous message of God made man and crushed by his Father for our sin.”
To put this in practice, I don’t tell my child to be good anymore when they say they cannot. I tell them they are correct, they really can’t be good on their own. When my five year old wants to be selfish and say something hateful, I remind her that we all want to do that at times and she can’t possibly be good, and point her to the fact that is why we all need a savior. If she continues to not share or cry about it, I then have her removed from the fun playtime until she can gain the needed self control to play nicely with her words and actions. When I praise her for sharing and doing something that is god-like, I should tell her “you are sharing! Isn’t it great to see how God is answering our prayer. Even though we all don’t like to share, God is more powerful than our selfishness.”
Quoting again, Our encouragement should stimulate praise for God’s grace, rather than for our goodness. Remembering this has changed the way I say things to my kids when there needs to be correction. I try not to quote scripture duing times of correction, but rather save those life giving words for times of teaching and learning. I give my kids consequences of course, and then the good news of forgiveness, hugs, and love that Jesus (the gospel) gives!
I have said too much, sorry! Hope this helps you some! 🙂
) I’m not saying your dd is INTJ, but personality can definitely play a part in it. It’s very, very difficult to diagnose a personality type in a child, though.
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