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Taking away privileges – how far to go?
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I firmly believe that an offense its accompanying discipline should be in balance (“the punishment fits the crime”), and I am contemplating something in light of that….and hoping that some of you will comment with your thoughts.
13yo dd is supposed to have a sleepover birthday party with 3 or 4 of her close friends this weekend. Lately, her behavior has become very disrespectful and rude, especially toward me. In the past couple of days, she has used swear words (including that ‘f’ one) and has called me names (some of them foul language)–usually in response to correction over her impatience with me (such as “Forget it! If you can’t come here right now, don’t bother!”) or her being told she has to do a chore she doesn’t want to. I have sent her to her room, made her do extra chores, taken away tv/dvd time, etc., but now I am considering cancelling her birthday party.
One thought I had would be to punish her by saying she may still have the party in the evening but no sleepover. Or, I could cancel it for this weekend and hold it the following week if her behavior improves (assuming that the girls attending could reschedule).
What do you think? Is this too “over the top” as far as punishments go? Or do you think it would be appropriate? We did have a family celebration a couple of weeks ago on her actual birthday with dinner out (immediate family) and gifts given, so the birthday was not ignored.
Sue
Sue, I am so sorry to hear of this. It must hurt you very much to be experiencing this.
To me, your ideas for discipline sound just. I personally would cancel the party entirely until a later date when things are more under control.
I wonder what is at the root of this behaviour? I will be praying for your daughter’s heart to open up to yours, and for a restored relationship.
Gaeleen
Sue,
If this was up to me, I would most definately cancel the party and I don’t think that it is over the top for her disrespectful behavior and foul language (especially if she is using the foul language toward you). This is something that my husband would definitlely not tolerate (I know you’re a single mom-but for us, as the step-mom, my husband doles out most discipline. We come to an agreement together, then he executes. I know your situation is different, though). I would probably cancel and not let her reschedule, personally.
Just my 2 cents 🙂
I agree with the other moms. I’d cancel the party, too, especially with the language she’s using and the disrespect towards you! She is plenty old enough to know better, obviously. I am praying for your family as you figure out what is going on with her and help her overcome.
For what its worth: I would take away the party, period. She is thirteen and admittedly has “hormone” issues kicking around inside, and she can be impatient with you, but the attitude and tone, and especially her choice of language kind of say “I am not mature enough to handle myself, so I am not mature enough to have an all-night party”. It is normal for her to feel frustrated and off balance at this age. It is not okay for her to yell at you, call you names, or use improper language. She has been taught better, and when she is ready to be more mature and express herself better, you (obviously) will be willing and anxious to talk about her needs and feelings.
Make it clear to her that it is okay for her to feel anger or frustration with you, and that she can tell you that, but in appropriate ways and tones. =) It’s not what you want her to feel, but it is a real emotion, so telling her that will help her learn to deal with it in healthier ways.
When things have calmed down and she is better, then you can talk about an “un-birthday” sleepover party.
I hope things get better soon – this part of being a parent really stinks! =)
Yes, I agree, completely cancel the party. I highly advise you to begin working on teaching your daughter the meaning of honor. I would not allow her to have special things until you two have worked out honor in your family.
I love a book I just got from the library and it addresses teens and how to teach them honor: Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in you and your kids! by Scott Turansky, D. Min. and Joanne Miller, R.N., B.S.N. both of which are homeschooling parents.
The book stresses not to be harsh when child does wrong or could damage relationship. Instead set firm limits and talk about your convictions. “I’m going to have to say no to this activity because…” The books says, “Explain the value and reasons behind the rules. It’s important to let teens know that there are times when they might not always agrees with you and that there are times when they’ll have to submit. The way you communicate the final decision can show honor. ‘I’m sorry we disagree on this. I’m going to have to ask you to do it my way this time, even though you don’t like it. I wish we could come to some kind of compromise, but I don’t see one at this time.’ Hopefully as time goes on, they’ll learn to trust your opinion and convictions. But most importantly, they will know that they’re appreciated and valued. Unity isn’t always achieved through agreement. Sometimes it happens because one person graciously gives in to the other.
“Express disappointment for poor choices, but focus your disappointment on the actions or behavior, not the person. In fact, this is a great opportunity to communicate a teen’s potential, which is hindered by a poor choice.”
I’m so sorry to hear what your daughter said to you. I know that would hurt to hear her talking to you in that manner. I’ll keep you in prayer and hope that you can show her that is dishonoring and how to now honor you as her mother even, if you two won’t always agree. I really recommend that book as a resource to get you started. Their are activities in the book with scripture you can try with your daughter.
Sincerely,
Tara
What someone said above reminded me of this part in the book–the Wise Appeal…if the child obeys without complaining, then they are ready for the Wise Appeal. If you ask them to do a chore, instead of whining, they can be taught to appeal: Mom I understand you want me to do this because…but I have a problem with that because (i”m tired because I didn’t get much sleep last night and was counting on resting for a while). Could I please (mow lawn) in two hours?” It helps them to appeal in an honoring way! But they can’t use it to manipulate–if they do they lose this privilege for awhile–privelage and responsibility go together.
Thank you all for your suggestions. I did end up cancelling the party, and for about four hours that evening, there was much drama going on. (Crying, begging, stomping around, slamming doors, martyrdom–“I deserve to have my party taken away….*sigh*”) Things have lightened up with her, and the disrespectful tone and words are less frequent, but she still seems to be “forgetting herself” too often. I may have to institute some sort of “attitude boot camp,” as a friend of mine called it, for her if this continues (even infrequently).
One notable thing that occurred the evening I cancelled the party was that my 11yo son, who is autistic and needs a lot of supervision and direct instruction when completing chores, worked very hard to collect his stuffed animals from around the house, put them in his “football” toybox, and carried it upstairs. Afterward, he was allowed to watch a movie. During this time, he kept looking at me and asking, “Did I do a good job with my animals? Do you want me to do anything else now?” He really wanted to be sure that he was doing the right thing!
Sue
Do not let her walk all over you, but also show her how much you love her. Explain things are reasons is good. My mind still goes back to what houseofchaos said about needing to get to the root of the problem. She needs to search her heart.
I don’t know if it is possible for you to do, but when I was a teenager, my mom would take me on a one night sleepover at a hotel a few hours away and spend the whole weekend with me. We would swim and shop and watch a movie and just have fun together (just me and mom) away from the ususal grind back at home. Usually by the end of the short trip (in fact, in the car on the drive home), I would open up to her and tell her things that had been bothering me. It would sort of help restore our relationship. It also helped me to see that there is more out in the world that what I considered my little world.
I will pray for you too. Let us know how things work out.
Adding to SarahCPA’s suggestion, awhile back, I took my daughter to lunch. It was awesome how she really opened up to me and shared her thoughts and feelings with me over lunch. Since then, she has been talking to me a lot more about her feelings and thoughts about things, more so than she used to. I am so thankful for that. Our relationship as mother and teen daughter is really growing. So maybe if an overnight outing isn’t doable, maybe taking your daughter out to lunch or coffee would be a step that might help in fostering a time of talking and sharing. I agree with SarahCPA that sometimes, just getting away from house for a little bit can help. 🙂
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