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Struggling with finding a church
- This topic has 11 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 7 months ago by
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We moved about two years ago, leaving behind a church that wasn’t perfect, but where we felt loved and supported. Since our move we have really struggled to find a good fit. A big part of the problem is that there simply aren’t many churches within a one hour radius of us. Yes, we could drive over the hour, but I know that realistically we won’t attend if we are driving that far.
About a year ago, we found a church that we all really liked. It has good solid teaching. Fast forward one year and we still feel very secluded at this church. We have invited the pastor for a meal, but schedule’s never “meshed” and the meal never happened. We’ve offered to help clean, but have never been added to the rotation. There are many, many people in the church that have never even spoken to us.
Last Sunday we attended service and the families that usually sit near us were absent, so for the entire service we were on one side of the church by ourselves and the rest of the congregation (about 50 people) were on the other. It was a very clear visual of exactly how we feel in the church. One lady commented on it, but did not come and sit with us. The church is very big on “fellowship” and often gets together outside of church. We have never been invited.
Now, full disclosure, we haven’t been regular. We just don’t want to go. We used to love going to church and now the kids whine when I wake them on Sunday. I don’t even blame them. We have formed absolutely no relationships. If we leave this church, however, we will basically be church-less. There aren’t any other churches in the area that seem like a good fit. So many other aspects of this move have been wonderful for us, but I am so lost in regards to a church. I am so confused as to why God brought us to this point. I would really appreciate prayers.
That is a tough situation for sure. Hard to know what to change and what is just a “season” right now.
A question: Are you and your family, by nature introverts are extroverts? I ask because my DH and I are both pretty introverted. We like people and talking in smaller groups, but larger groups we tend to get more quiet. The problem, is that we present ourselves looking almost “stuck up” and hard to get to know. It is not intentional and it took a very good friend sharing with me how body language speaks very loudly and how my body language is not always very inviting to get to know me.
My DH and I switched churches about a year ago after being at our previous church for almost 7 years. It was weird because we attended for 7 years but made no lasting “connections” just the “hi how are you” type conversations, but I really think it was because of us. We both are not the “jump into conversation” type of people.
At our current church they are very friendly BUT many of them have gone for years, some even grew up there and are raising their children there. Which is great! but hard to break into. The few people we have gotten to know better don’t have family relations in the church, I feel like it is harder to break into the “family groups” though they are very nice, and I really don’t think they mean to be “tough” just as I didn’t mean to show attitude in my body language. For us the best way to get to know people was to start teaching in Sunday School classes so that we had opportunities to get to know families in that way.
For my DH and I we really feel we can’t leave a church because we have not made connections, because knowing the two of us… we are not very good at it, LOL. We look for solid teaching and opportunities for our children to learn and make friendships. I grew up being HS’ed and most of my friends were found at church and youth group. That said, you and your family might be going the extra mile trying everything to get involved and that makes it all that much harder.
I will say DH and I have never had a meal with our pastor, but my DH actually gets better connected than me because of guys getting together to play basketball and other sports, where as I struggle more to find my “nich”. The majority of my friends have been found at a Bible Study I have attended for the last 9 years, friends from different churches but all the same belief.
Hope you can find the right fit for your family!
That has been most of our experience since we’ve move to E. Texas. We try and try and try to fit in places and usually feel left on the outside. Churches, homeschool groups. It gets hard.
And it is confusing. You start thinking, “Why am I here?”
I really don’t think you are doing anything wrong. You didn’t say where you move to and where you are from, but sometimes, cultures are closed to “outsiders.” There is nothing you can do in that situation but keep being there and being kind and wait them out (or move back to your home culture.)
My husband and I are both yankees an we moved to the East Texas. There are nice people, but it’s often hard to actually get “in.”
So, all that to say, I get where you are coming from and now how hard it is. And when you see your kids on the outside, it just breaks your heart. I don’t have any perfect answers. We’ve lived in this area for 10 years and most times, we are still on the outside of groups.
HSMAMA, thank you for sharing your church struggles. We also relocated two years ago and have struggled to find a church that we can call home for pretty much the same reasons. I appreciate the other posts as well. Definitely gives me a lot to think about. Glad to know that we aren’t alone!
Here are two church finder websites that you might find helpful.
https://www.9marks.org/church-search/
https://www.tms.edu/find-a-church/
@HSMAMA (and all of us),
I love our church; they have really been family to me and my kids for over 29 years. But reading your post today, I wonder if I have become part of the congregation members sitting over on “the other side.” Is my group of church friends making it hard to “break into” perhaps without realizing it?
This thread brought to mind a story I had heard quite awhile ago. It’s from the website http://www.thinkaminute.com, and it is entitled, “The Hippie and the Old Man.” Some of you have no doubt read this before.
Think a minute…There was a young, intelligent university student named Bill. Bill was what some people call a “free spirit” or “hippie.” He had wild long hair, always wore the same old and torn T-shirt, jeans and no shoes. Across the street from the university campus was a conservative church. The people there were rich, older and well-dressed. They wanted to help the university students nearby, but they did not know exactly how to do it.
Well, one day Bill decided to go visit this church by his university. As usual, he went wearing his only jeans, old, torn T-shirt and his dirty long hair. The church service had already started and was full, so Bill walked down the center aisle looking for a seat. People were getting more and more uncomfortable as they watched this unclean, wild-looking young man. Finally, Bill got to the front and saw there were no more empty seats, so he just sat down on the floor right in front of the preacher. No one had ever done that in this church before! By now, everyone was upset and distracted.
Then, a respected old church deacon got up and started toward the front. Everyone was thinking: “You can’t blame the deacon, he really should correct this disrespectful young man.” Everyone was watching. Even the preacher stopped his sermon when the old man finally got to the front. Then, they were all completely surprised to see the old deacon drop his walking stick and very slowly sit down on the floor next to this young hippie. He did not want this young man to sit alone and feel unaccepted. The people in the church were moved to tears. Finally, the preacher said: “What I am preaching about today you will probably never remember. But what you have just seen you will never forget!”
Thank you for the replies. I appreciate hearing others stories and advice and knowing I am not alone. I definitely am an introvert by nature. Because we have moved several times, I have really pushed myself to step outside of my comfort zone and be the person to initiate conversations. I *think* I’ve been approachable…but I can totally recognize where I am slowly closing myself off more and more. We seldom interact at this point. We go for service and leave shortly after. So lack of progress at this point also rests on me.
Thank you for sharing that story, Sue. One of the churches we tried after the move was crazy friendly – like seriously, we wondered if people were maybe locked in the basement to prevent escape. Haha. Kidding, of course, but they were just very, very friendly and it was also a bit intimidating…and then we end up at a church that is like the polar opposite, where I feel like people look at me after a year and still wonder who I am and why I am there. Lol
I understand what you’re saying about feeling like you don’t fit. I feel that way sometimes in our homeschool group — and sometimes I think it’s my fault, sometimes I think it’s the other moms’ faults! *L*
Here’s what I mean — I find it hard to just go up to someone and initiate a conversation. I’d rather stand up in front of a million people and deliver some kind of announcement or speech or something than have to approach one person and initiate a conversation. And the reason why is that I can’t think of a question to ask! And if, perchance, I do think of a question, it seems that I’ve asked a “yes or no” type question. And the person answers it, and we’re done! I can’t think of a second question, or there’s no way I can see to continue the conversation. The conversation is over! So is it my fault for not asking an open-ended question? Or is it the person’s fault for giving a short answer??
It seems like so many times I talk myself into approaching a person, only to have the person give short answers…..then, I feel like they don’t want to talk, so I don’t ask any more questions! I don’t want to be nosy! Or make them feel like they’re being grilled. Or like I’m going to lock them in the basement so they can’ escape! *L* 😉
So, sometimes, when someone approaches me and starts a question, I give a longer answer or answer and then ask them a question, and they’ll answer and it seems as though they try to make a quick escape! Like they want to get away from me!
So, for me, it goes both ways. When I’m the starter, I get shut down. When I’m the new person, they run away.
By times I find that I have a conversation with someone and soon discover that we just don’t jive. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. It just means that that person and I will never have deep conversations. There are several moms in my homeschool group like that. I can talk to them about certain things, but other than that we are polar opposites.
So, I have a friend to talk to about books. A friend to talk to about raising girls. A friend to talk to about homeschool curriculum. A friend to talk to about sewing. A friend to talk to about farming. A friend to talk to about husbands.
I hope some of that made sense and that none of you are looking for an escape! *L* 😉
Thank you for the perspective, Karen. I DO have a habit of asking those “quick” questions and then standing in awkward silence trying to figure out how to continue. OR I ramble on and on and forget to come up for air. It can go either way, really. HAHA
I wanted to share this with you ladies. It was written by my pastor’s wife. I know it’s hard to feel like we fit in at times, particular when we are in a new environment. I hope this article will encourage those who are struggling – https://katielapierre.org/2017/09/26/the-illusion-of-cliques/
Very same here with us! (I will read through the other comments later as I believe they are helpful but will answer in front):
I would just let go of any pressure and try to find peace with how things are and how you feel.
Your family can be church, you spending time with your kids on an ordinary day can be church. Should be. Church can be anywhere – right here, right now.. It doesn’t have to be in a certain building, with a certain group of people, at a certain time, on a certain day…
We don’t go to a church at the moment (moved two plus months ago). Often I am so busy I don’t feel like rushing around on Sunday, I just want to be. Just relax and be outside in the sunshine. That is why I try to see time with my family as church time: when I smile and tell my kids that I love them, when I feel good about myself, feel like thanking and praising God and sharing my happiness with my children, when I chose compassion over hardness, you name it..
I look forward to when we will start going to church again but I have peace now nevertheless..
Hope that helps somehow!
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