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Stop, apologize and start over
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Ok so I am in need of some support. Accountability. I am starting over. I am working on ME. I am always working on the kids, and everything else, but as of today I am starting on ME.
I started last night by asking my dh how our relationship was going. Are we doing good? Am I being respectful to him? He said yes our relationship is good (with a big smile mind you) and that I am made progress in being respectful to him. But he knows he slips at times too.
So today I will bring each of my children aside and humble myself to them and apologize for my behavior as of late and say “I am sorry” for..(with specifics depending on each child).
Then I start anew! Today is my new day!
I will also work on my relationship/respect with my 2 older boys especially. Because twice in less than 2 weeks I have heard the same story and it’s just poking at my heart. It goes like this: There comes a time when your boys need to be treated like you treat your husband – with respect. You don’t discipline them in front of anyone anymore – not even siblings. You need to respect them like you want to be respected. They are not 8yr old children anymore they are 13, 14 yr old young men. If you want them to act like young men you need to start treating them like young men. When you need something from them ASK don’t tell, when they don’t do it, disciplline in love and respect, away from everyone else and give a conscequence for their behavior/actions/etc. It needs to be between the two of you and no one else.
This is my confession to you as a family of loving parents and home schooling moms/dads who knows that being home can also bring on more than issues, more conflict and more happiness. And I pick happiness, love and respect.
Thanks for listening to my plea, please pray for peace, patience, wisdom, understanding and did I mention patience!
I really appreciate your humility and honesty, Misty. It is so difficult to admit we are wrong to our children. The enemy of our souls likes to convince us that doing so will cause them to respect us less. I think the opposite is true; they seem to view our apology with greater respect in the long run. I think many of us could use some accountability when it comes to how we treat our children and our spouses. I also struggle with how to deal with my 14yo dd and especially my 13yo ds (who has autism and typically acts along an age range of 5 to 10).
God bless you for making these statements, and I will pray for you as well.
I’m not in your exact situation, of course, but I have apologized to my children, face to face, as you described and it has done more for our relationships than anything else.
They absolutely need to see that we love them enough to have hurt so bad on the inside over our behaviour that we would humble ourselves and apologize. It isn’t a sign of weakness but of strength; it takes alot of courage to do what you’re going to do. My kids have never approached me later with the idea that I am now their equal or something weird just because I’ve apologized, actually I think they feel safer with me, more willing to hug and be hugged. We are their parents, the only people in the whole world that love them like we do, and we/I have to know that my kids actually feel that. If that means taking a good look at my actions and knowing that it is not okay, and apologizing, then that is what I do. (I don’t this everyday, mind you, just when I feel that heavy conviction and know that I need to make things right.) Plus, if/when I have grandkids, I would love to know that my dc might follow our example. Humbling themselves, admitting when they are wrong, respecting their position is a sign of maturity and I definitely want my dc to grow up with that kind of attitude toward their children.
As far as your older boys are concerned: I’m sure they will appreciate you all the more when you deal with them privately. I don’t have to speak to my oldest too often, but when I do, I try to do it privately and never share what was said with his nosey brothers. If we are in public, I always take him aside or just give him a look..I certainly do not want to embarrass him. He won’t even care about what I’m saying because he’ll be occupied with the idea that he’s embarrassed. He’ll be looking at me like the enemy, not the one who loves him enough to discipline, correct or whatever I’m doing at the moment.
Just to clarify: I don’t think any of this means that my kids rule the house or my life. They are still the kids and I’m (and dh) am still the parent. I do remind them that someday they will have lives of their own and if they want to buy white bread only, they can. But, since they live here, have no jobs, then we will still do the majority of the decision making, lol.
God bless you, Misty, on your new life. Your dc are going to appreciate you so much and you will be happier for it.
you are so right about respect for older boys. What a difference it made for us when I figured that out – the Lord used a Love and Respect seminar and a few other things to open my eyes – with my oldest son…now 17. We are much happier for it. Also, from that time in my life…I highly recommend Little Britches and Man of the Family. They are wonderful books for a mother’s heart at this stage and were SUCH a help to me. And didn’t hurt my son any either! I think it’s safe to say we both found them very inspiring a enjoyable. I read them aloud when he was about 12.
All the best to you!
Julie
Blessings on you for recognizing now that there needs to be a switch in how you interact with your boys. It hurts my heart so to see mothers that do not make the switch who have continual tension during those teen years. (A change occurs with girls too and is equally important in case anyone is struggling there.)
Thank you so much for all your encouragement, comments and thoughts. I spent some much needed time with my 14yr old today, apologized and left feeling better. I also, have had to pull him aside 4 times but I am consistent and straight forward in what he did, why it was wrong and the consequence because of this action/word. He doesn’t like it but it is what it is.
I will be doing this with the almost 13 yr old later, I am hoping the Lord is preparing his heart cause he is the “good” child around here but when he does wrong I knwo i get down on him fast and hard. Much forgiveness is needed.
Then I will go on down the line one at a time.
I have started listening to The Britches series with my boys and have gleened from them. Blessings and thanks Misty
I have a “good” one, too. He has observed that I am on him quick, don’t let too much slide, even though he is in trouble the least. He has said that he sees that to be a bit unfair. I get it, and it’s a control issue with me.
He has even mentioned how hard it is, being good. Everyone seems to expect so much from him and are stunned when he turns out to actually be human (my dh & I have been guilty of this). He has said that he feels lots of pressure…like he can’t mess up but it’s expected, even tolerated, by his brothers (which isn’t true, but I completely get where he is coming from and am working on it). I have really been working on just letting him be a kid…he’s so mature for his age that I will admit alot is expected of him (not responsibility wise, but character).
You’re doing a great thing, Misty.
BTW, where did you get your audio version of The Britches??
Lucky for me ILL was a blessing for me on this one. We listen in the car. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone.
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