spanking?

Hi Dana,

There are many books available to contradict one another. To be useful in our home, it must agree with scripture. The two most helpful books I’ve read on the subject of child rearing are Raising Godly Tomatoes by Elizabeth Krueger, which can be read online or ordered, and Hints on Child Training by Clay Trumball. Personally, these 2 books have been of more help than all others combined, save the Bible, of course.

Blessings,

Christie

I agree with Christie – I found Raising Godly Tomatoes to be super helpful and your son is just a perfect age to implement many of the suggestions in the book. 

I know how confusing it can be. You can only do what works best for your family. All I can tell you is what has worked for us. At home, I use the corner as much as possible for this age. I do spank sometimes but it is only for things like trying to pull away from me when I need them to stay right there. I always let them know what will happen if they don’t stop.

The key to the corner is doing it right. I tell the child they are going to have to sit in the corner because they are throwing a fit, ect… Usually they can’t hear me over the screaming ;). I place the child in the corner and tell them they have to stay there until they are ready to be nice. Now for this age the corner should be an area (dull place at the end of a hall) not a spot (chair, small rug). It is too much to ask them to stay in a small spot. As soon as I place them in the corner they escape from it. I pick them up and put them back, NEVER holding them down in the corner. They get right back up over and over again. Now I have some work to do. I DO NOT SPEAK, and DO NOT GIVE EYE CONTACT! I just pick up and place back. Eventually they stay. I leave them there until they have calmed down. Then I go talk to them telling them why they were in the corner, that they need to say sorry to mommy. Hug them, kiss them, move on. I do this several times a day ;).

My 3 yr. old will go to the corner when I tell him to; even if he is throwing a tantrum along the way. He will stay there until I tell him he can get out. He is rarely sent to the corner anymore though. The threat of it is usually enough. People are always amazed at how well he listens.

At a friends house I do the same thing.

At the store I leave my cart and take him to the van, buckle him in the car seat, close the door, and walk to the back of the van (where I can see him but he can’t see me). When I think he has calmed down I go ask him if he is ready to be nice. If I get a bad response, I close the door, and wait some more. A good response with an apology gets hugs, kisses, ect…

I have to respectfully disagree with art re. spanking = hitting & fear of the parent.

My kids have never mistaken a spanking administered in love (not anger) as the same as hitting, nor did I as a child. It is simply a way of redirecting their behavior and getting their attention quickly. Also, a little one does not become afraid of their parent because of a simple swat to the tush.

This is, of course, a personal decision for your family, but please don’t think that spanking must = hitting & fear, that simply has not been borne out of my experiences as a child or a mother.

Spanking is not the only effective means of training/disciplining your child, but it is one option.

HTH,

Christie

I agree with missceegee on that point as well. 

My husband and I have used spanking (me more than him) to get a point across/redirect/etc. But I will say that to what level/how often can depend on the child.

My oldest rarely needed spankings; a stern look or a shake of my head was usually plenty for him. He is 11 now and still rarely makes trouble, but if he does, privileges are taken away, etc. instead of spankings:) 

Now, my almost 8yo likes to push, push and push the envelope.  Rarely takes a simple *No* for an answer and has been known for extreme melt-downs.  I have to deal with him differently.  Not so much with spankings like I used to, but time-outs, long discussions (he needs time to deal with the wrong doing and understand why it was wrong and wants to talk it out).  He’s just so different than my first. 

My 4yo has to receive spankings at times.  I use a combination of time-outs or loss of toy(s) if it was used in an offense or spankings, depending on the level of disrepect/disobedience. 

Hope that makes sense.

  I believe that all children are not created equal in their dispositions/temperments so some have to be strongly encouraged and others not so much. Whatever way works for each child should decide on what you have to do.  Maybe spankings are never quite necessary, maybe time-outs work great and achieve the desired outcome, who knows? But, I think that if I had a chance to do things differently I would like to have been more consistent in my expectations/approaches when my kids were younger, which I think is key.  Having clear *expectations and consequences* for you to go by( and your kids understand) can save you from having to figure out what  you’re going to do in  any given situation. My husband and I are much better in this area than when we were knew parents and we’re on each other’s side when it comes to the kids. Our boys know now that I will always back their dad and he will always back me.  Everybody knows the rules:)

Hi another controversial subject that really must come down to each individual family – however I will just add my two cents for what it is worth.  As children my sister and I were never spanked, hit or anything like that.  We were told how to behave and if we did not  – then privileges were taken away – personally I would never spank a child and did not touch either of our daughters, they grew up knowing how to behave through the same sort of training my mother and father used with me.  When I was little and we went to church we were expected to sit nicely in the Sanctuary, we were not allowed to make noise, run around or behave in any other way than just sit.  It was hard but we did it, it was expected of us, and we wanted to please our parents.  Our girls are the same, they have had privileges taken away, lots of explanation and they have always known the rules.  I see absolutely no need to hit, spank or do any other form of physical punishment to a child, I personally think it defeats the purpose – we surely want our children to behave because it is the right thing to do, rather than do it because we are threatened with a spanking.  In Europe it is frowned upon for a child for example to run around in a restaurant, you are expected to keep your children under control, so they learn at an early age, what is and what is not acceptable – when we visited the US with our then 4 year old girls, I remember being in a food court and a man came over and said how nice it was that the children were sitting so nicely and behaving so well – so I know the gentle method works.   I think training a child as early as possible as to what is expected pays dividends throughout their lives and harsh methods have no place in our home.  I know many will disagree, but it worked for my parents and for me.  My one biggest complaint about spanking and physical punishment is that there are many people who get so frustrated with their children that they do lash out in anger – I see it in stores when I am out and about, and I see the look in the children’s eyes – it is not a look I want to see, and some of those are swatting the tush – the child’s face speaks volumes – I was raised with gentleness and I have done the same, I now have two lovely gentle daughters.  Everyone must do as they see fit, but this is what I believe and have seen work.

I have been back and forth with this very same subject myself.  I think there are alot of books out there that really feel that spanking is the ONLY biblical method.  I have struggled with this.  I am now reading a book by Clay Clarkson called Hearfelt Discipline.  I am only a little into it but so far it has really helped me to not feel like I HAVE to spank because it is biblical.  I have read Raising Godly Tomatoes, To Train Up a Child, Love and Logic, What the Bible says about Discipline, and many more.  Pray about it and definetly talk with your husband and see how the Lord would lead you.  They are all good books and have many good things in them.  But it can really make your head spin.