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Sibling issues
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I have a DS who turns 5 yo in 6 weeks and a 16 mo DD. My DS mistreats his sister in that he jerks toys out of her hands, blocks her access to toys, trips her, pushes her, hits her, knocks her down, yells at her, etc. I am new to this sibling thing and grew up an only child myself. Am I wrong to believe that this is intolerable behavior from an almost 5 yo boy? Are my expectations too high if I give him consequences for these actions? Should I have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of stuff (from both children)? How do you handle these issues? And to clarify one point, he does have his own toys that he either keeps up on his craft table or in his room so when he is taking toys or keeping her from them they are either her toys that he happens to have access to or their shared toys. I don’t want to set up a villain/victim mentality between them but I also don’t want them to mistreat each other and she’s too young at this point to properly protect herself. Thanks for any ideas!
Dana
You are correct – this is something not to be allowed at all. Zero tolerance. (That said, it is very common.) To avoid villain/victim mentality, the advice is to seperate them both when something happens. (ie, put the toddler in a timeout in the playpen, and the boy a timeout in an appropriate location.) He should not be allowed to be alone with her either, as he could seriously hurt her.
One thing to understand sibling rivalry….. Imagine for a moment that your dh comes home and says “Honey, I have great news. In a little while, I’m going to bring home a new wife! I know that you are going to love her. A month later, the new wife comes home. She is younger and cuter than you, and everyone gives her presents. You want to do something with your husband, but it seems that all the time he has the new wife on his lap giving her hugs and kisses. Your husband tells you that he is giving many of your nice clothes to the new wife because they don’t fit you anymore anyway. He also gives her some other of your possessions because “you don’t use them anymore.” Time goes by, and you come into a room and the new wife has taken the handicraft project you worked hours on and is destroying it.
So – how do you feel about this?
You snap your project away from the new wife and get into a fight – and your husband comes and sends you out for a while, while he hugs the new wife and tells her “it’s ok, I won’t let her hit you”.
Think about all the feelings you felt while imagining this…. and now look at it with “baby” or “sibling” or “brother/sister” – and you can see why sibling rivalry happens.
I’ve read a few books – the one I can think of the title right now is “Siblings without Rivalry”
Oh – and don’t get into the trying to make things fair bit! What is fair isn’t that everyone gets the same (ie, one of your kids needs shoes, so all the kids get new shoes) – that is a “game” that will drive you crazy. What is fair is that everyone gets what they NEED.
Suzukimom had a great answer, and I agree, zero tolerance. Make sure you are spending plenty of special time with your 5 yo emphasizing how great it is that he’s such a big helper and how much you value his role as the big brother. Give him opportunities to practice the best way to deal with little sister so that when tensions rise, he’ll remember (we hope) what he has practiced.
Yep, zero tolerance at my house too. We teach older kids to help and protect youngers. I would have him return the toy with an apology (simple I’m sorry I took your toy) and then he would lose one of his own toys for 24 hours to ME.
It’s hard with that age spacing because you’re right, the younger simply can’t handle the situation without you intervening. She’s not old enough.
Another thing to try is teaching him how to sit down with her to play with her and her toys. Not taking from her hands, but getting out something of hers they can both play with (train/car/doll/blocks) and encourage him to show her how to play with them, but also share. He can’t take all the pieces during this time.
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