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Sibling Bickering
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There seems to be an epidemic of bickering, disrespectful speech and a general lack of peace in my home recently between my three daughters (ages 13, 10 and 8). It’s driving me crazy and making me depressed. I just want a home where peaceful days are the rule instead of the exception. I have been trying hard to keep my own attitude and speech in check, but when I’m the constant referee, usually over petty, foolish issues, it’s easy to loose my patience and join in with the yelling. Any wisdom for dealing with this?
I know that Sonya recommends the materials by Peacemaker Ministries in the curriculum guide and also a book called Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends, perhaps those would help.
Blessings,
Christie
I heard a broadcast from Focus on the family lately that had a great idea, so I decided to try it. If two children can’t get along, put them in a room by themselves (where you can hear them!) and tell them they have to stay there for 15 minutes. At the end of that time, if they’re getting along (and haven’t bullied the other child around to their way), they can come out. If not, they stay another 5 minutes. I tried it with my 4 & 6 yr old, and it worked great. My 4dd has a habit of throwing fits, and she did for about 2 minutes, until my 6ds got her interested in wrecking the room together! I told them the room had better look nice at the end of the 15 min., or I’d add a couple swats apiece! They did get their swats, but had the room nice in another five minutes – and they were getting along! I had to try it later that day when we were outside, so I corralled them in their playhouse. Worked like a charm! After that, all I had to do was suggest, at the first hint of bickering, that it would be necessary to have them do it again, and presto! instant peace!
For what it’s worth,
Rebekah
When this started in our home we focused on the habit of kindness for six weeks using CM’s writings in Laying Down the Rails.
I am soooo looking forward to this conference next weekend! Especially with this area in mind.
Huggles
MeadowLark
Thanks everyone for your comments.
Richele,
You said you spent 6 weeks focusing on the habit of kindness. How did you focus on kindness? Did you read scriptures on kindness? stories? other acticities? I just finished watching Sonya’s Laying Down the Rails DVD, but I haven’t yet looked carefully at the book-Does she give suggestions on how to develop these habits?
We have focused on the habit of kindness before, using 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. We were memorizing the Scripture, and then verse by verse, applied it to our lives and situations.
If the kids were playing and I heard some not-so-nice words, I would go in their room and say, “Ryan, it doesn’t sound like you’re being very kind to your sister. Do you remember that love is patient and kind? If you love your sister, you must be kind to her and use sweet words.” Or if one child wasn’t sharing with another, I would say, “Addie, do you remember that love is never selfish or rude? A good way to show your brother that you love him is by sharing and not being selfish.”
We’re still working on it, but it has improved things around here a good deal.
I highly recommend Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends. It is very fun to read outloud and is biblically solid. Your girls are the perfect ages!
Heather
Hi Kimberly,
Do you have Laying Down the Rails or Charlotte’s 6-volumes? If so, there are six main points on kindness in CM’s writings that are found on pp. 32-33 in LDtR. These are very eye-opening, such as #5 “Motivate your child with the idea that he might hold the happiness of others in his hands.” In Charlotte’s home education series, Kindness is written about in Ourselves and Formation of Character.
At the same time my kids started squabbling, there was a terrible billboard in our town and on all our public transportation that said “It’s all about me!” i became very conscious of these six points of kindness and prayed specifically for my children and our family on these. Before we went out we would “set the mission” which was to be on the look-out for opportunities to be kind to others, even to think the best of other people and defend another’s character in their absence. I hadn’t realized how “in my own little world” I was and am ashamed of the opportunities that we had previously let slip to bless others with kindness when we were out and about running errands.
When helping the children think the best of others or to respond kindly even when faced with “tiresome tempers” or being “injured by another” I really had the spotlight turned on me and saw how often I wasn’t thinking the best of my husband and children. For example, how I responded (even internally) to things that my husband said or to a certain look on his face showed me that I often expect the worst when I shouldn’t.
Ephesians 4:32 was the “theme” for that time. I didn’t search out specific books on kindness but probably due to the heightened awareness they were seeing for themselves many traits that seemed rooted in kindness in people we read about or they knew.
At home we also looked for opportunities to do kind things for one another. We did this at the beginning of last summer and it has happily remained a habit. Giving, including the benefit of the doubt, is now the norm and it happens more often than not that someone has “done a kind thing” by doing a brother’s chore for them or giving them the biggest piece of chocolate, etc.
At the back of LDtR, SCM has put together a checklist to help us be more intentional in developing habits. I wished I’d noticed it before because I think it’s phenomenal.
I love to hear everyone’s experiences with habit-building.
Best,
Richele
I am going through this right now, and I really don’t know if I want to homeschool anymore.
The atmosphere in our home has gotten so severe that I think I made a mistake. Maybe if I were a better teacher, more on top of things, more organized…..I don’t know. I just always hoped homeschooling would bring us closer together, but right now we are so far apart.
My sons 15 and 10 fight all the time; one picks, the other screams. Neither one of them listen. I am feeling overwhelmed with trying to referee them and wrangle the 2 year old that I am so full of stress! Our days are full of yelling, the housework is so far behind, and meals are getting to be a thing of the past. All they want is pizza rolls and chicken nuggets. I make meals and they go uneaten…so now I just don’t.
I am just in a bad place right now, stressed and just not knowing what to do. How do you get past this? How do you get on a good path when things have slid so far?
Blessedmom, My girls are only ages 7, 5, and 3 but they do argue over toys and who is going to be first, and she is teasing me etc. I don’t have enough experience, but after reading your post, I brainstormed what I might do if I were in your situation (and I could be someday!)…
For meals, I would have the boys plan some meals every week, help you shop for the ingredients, and cook the meal. They may be more excited to try something new if they make it themselves. Make them responsible for their actions. Don’t like the food–cook what you like for the family. Can’t get along with brother–get along. I have my 2 oldest daughters share 1 thing when they argue over the other not sharing. I make them sit togther and get along. It’s part of life-learning to get along with others. I encourage them to help their younger siblings–tie shoes, put on coats, pick up toys, read a story, rake leaves etc. so they are doing things together. You may also want to look at the raising godly tomatoes website. Tomato staking may work–I separate my daughters if they can’t get along sometimes and keep that child with me helping me with chores. I keep it positive, not a punishment per say. Talk about what could have been done differently and how we want to get along with brother-he’s your best friend,it’s how we treat others, etc. Give them more responsiblitites around the home and give them opportunities to have time alone to do what they enjoy without interruptions-read, hobbie, exercise, etc. We all need our quiet time!
HTH!
Don’t give up. Ask Jesus for His Wisdom and trust He will guide you. Depend on Him and admit you can’t do this w/o Him. None of us can!
Tara
I’m not sure how it would work with a teenager, but when my daughters (9 and 12) argue, they have to scrub the kitchen floor together on their hands and knees. As soon as they start, they are usually laughing and getting along great. Maybe your boys could do yard work together or something else physical. I would definitely make it physical work and something a little unusual-like scrubbing the floor by hand. It relieves stress to work with your body and even older kids secretly like work that is not something they are used to doing and you can tell a difference afterward like raking leaves.
I agree with Tara about the meals. My kids love to be involved in that and responsible for it. And it really helps them in the future. My 17 year old is a great cook, and I’ve had him make many meals when I couldn’t do it.
When our housework feels really behind, I have everyone just spend 5 or 10 minutes of nonstop cleaning. It makes a HUGE difference (of course I have 6 people here). Just a few minutes of concentrated cleaning really refreshes the house.
If the atmosphere in your home is feeling bad, you might try cutting out electronics if that’s a problem. When we don’t use the computer so much it really helps (we don’t have a tv, and that helps too). It just tends to make the home more peaceful without all the devices.
I hope you’re having a better day today!
I just came across two encouraging articles. Here are the links:
http://thehomeschoolmagazine.com/How_To_Homeschool/articles/am_i_really_supposed_to_hs.php
http://thehomeschoolmagazine.com/How_To_Homeschool/articles/ten_things_ive_learned.php
Hope they help you feel better.
- Families build one another up. Ephesians 4:29 states, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. One powerful scripture in regards to respect! I had my kids memorize this. Then when things go awry, I will say, “was that helpful? Or “did that build them up”, or would you like to be spoken to that way? would that help you? It usually ends in a child defending themselves….something like, “well she blah blah blah or “well he blah blah blah” and I say, “Stop, you can only change you. And, guess what? You can be the wave of change around here. Be kind, be loving, be respectful, build others up, be helpful. I have to watch my tones, I can correct my child because they are complaining and realize that I sounded harsh and had a complaining sound just as bad or worse than they just did. Rise up, dust myself off and change.
- Families look out for each other. Philippians 2:3-5 states, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” Putting this scripture into practice with family can be so difficult but is so necessary! It is in our family life where we get practice doing what is lacking in our world! It is harder because we are always together and, of course, constantly annoying each other. But it is worth it! working at this, I feel is more important than math and literature and chores and productivity. It will reap many benefits for generations to come. Our children will grow up and get married and raise children and their marriages and their parenting will will represent much of what they are learning in our family life. Selflessness and respect and kindness are brilliant commands from God. The preserve our relationships, marriages, families.
- Leading a family requires a higher level of respect from us. Model respectful tones with your husband and with your children. Model forgiveness and grace rather than reacting in a way that is rude. This is a big one for me…I over-react and then end up regretting what I’ve said or even how my body language and facial expression reacted to the situation.
- Leading a family takes humility. When I do something out of the line of true respect, I acknowledge to my kids (either in the moment or later, depending on my level of humility at the time) so my kids know not to imitate my bad behavior. I will sometimes hear my kids “bossing ” one another and see an ugly display of how I sounded just a few hours ago. Taming the tongue is hard, as it states in the book of James chapter 3:8. “…no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. (Just read James 3 when referencing this scripture. HUMBLING CHAPTER!)
- Leading a family takes precious “new beginnings”. Every breath we take can be a new beginning. Every day we wake up can be a new beginning in Christ. Go to bed, forget the mistakes, wake up and conquer. Little by little we’ll begin to realize our goals and dreams. The mornings are the best times to get back on track. There will be resistance. Sheep need a shepherd. Start small and when there is progress, celebrate with free time. Little achievements celebrated make a HUGE difference around here. Don’t reward with unnecessary things. Free time is a huge reward and is what life realistically offers us after hard work is finished. We do things in sets…get done with all morning responsibilities before the 9:00 deadline, then you can have free time until 9. Get done with morning lessons before 11:30? Then you can have free time until it is time to make lunch. My boys (ages 9 and 14)alternate breakfast dishes/table clean up and lunch dishes/table clean up. This is HUGE! I do it one day a week and I am usually cleaning up other things while they are doing their part. The younger ones want to join in…it is expected…BUT IT TOOK TIME TO GET TO THIS BEING A HABIT! And more time for the kids to do it with out complaining and for me to guide with out nagging; hold a standard with out being harsh.
- Leadership of a family takes leadership training. Train yourself! You are all you’ve got! You know you best! It took a big change in my leadership and my discipline and my kindness and my reliance on God for me to have little successes in home educating and in parenting (and “wife-ing”) and I am still fighting for more. Home educating takes everything we’ve got for everything we are fighting for. but I believe with all my heart that it is worth every thing we’ve got. I studied “chore ideas” in home school books for a full year or more before I figured out a system. I am now dealing with self discipline and have been studying it for years to get a grasp on it for myself…Home educating refines character, ours and theirs. Home educating refines relationships. This is a good thing but it is rigorous and sometimes full of discomfort. But it will prayerfully reap a harvest of righteousness. (Hebrew 12:11) Again, Hebrews chapter 12, let us call THAT entire chapter… INSPIRING.
- Fight on! (Not bickering, but fighting…you know what I mean.)
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