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Self-Care for Homeschool Moms…thoughts?
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Hi everyone,
It’s been forever since I’ve posted a question! But in short, I have a question/thoughts on the topic of our own lives as homeschooling parents/moms.
What are your personal friendships like? How much time do you spend socializing yourself?
I’m 33, married, have 4 kids (7, 5, 2, 9 months old). I spend some of my free time as a writer and artist. I also have a fitness degree. My oldest is the only one “officially” enrolled through a nearby charter school, but I plan and schedule in activities and learnign for the little ones too during the day. There are things that I love about homeschooling, but for sure things I DO NOT like! One huge part is the lonliness aspect.
I don’t know if it’s my extroverted personality, but I am so lonely. I have a difficult time going for days without having an intellectually stimulating conversation other than doo doo or what curriculum I’m using. My husband is my best friend, but I need some WOMEN (!) to have women conversations with too. I have tried to get together with other homeschoolers on a regular basis during the week, not only for my kids to hang out, but for ME to have an adult conversation. But as all of you know, much of our energy and time is dedicated to our children, and it can be difficult to coordinate. While it’s the cultural norm to be engulfed in investing in our kids, I have this sneaking suspicion that part of me feels this is all very unbalanced.
I live in a HUGE city, where a lot of other people homeschool, I go to a larger church, and have some “friends” (they aren’t like close girl friends where we gab on the phone) so it’s not like I’m short on resources. Social media really just doesn’t’ do it for me in terms of feeling socially connected. I’ve tried coordinating with other moms, like trying to have a day every few weeks where we take a break from academics and just drink coffee at a park and talk while the kids play, but it seems most people’s curriculum is very binding. I am also totally open to the potential that it is personal, like perhaps there is a personal reason that other moms don’t want to hang out. I am really looking for solutions, but part of me is feeling like the problem isn’t just my own, but perhaps an overarching cultural norm where we pour every single thing into our kids’ lives, and at the end of the day, there just isn’t room for much needed self-care.
Does anybody else feel this way? Is it just me, or do most homeschool moms out there feel lonely and have not enough friends?
-kat
I for one agree with you. I have been a stay at home mom for 11 years. I have hated most of it till I started homeschooling my eldest children (11,7,2,baby). If finally gave me a reason to my days. But I do not have any friends. My best friend is a girl I grew up with and I moved to NC she moved to MO. We y’all maybe once a month through texts. She is very successful master degree graduate with a job she doesn’t understand my life or my hers. I have tried to make friends with homeschool moms in my community but as you have found out it is hard. They are very secluded to themselves. Maybe since we are new to homeschool last year? I’m not sure the reason they are very busy not super friendly or open to conversations outside of homeschool. I’m not sure what’s up with this either. I’m just as confused as you. I wish I had moms days out. In 11 years since I have been a mom I had a total of 4 hours without my kids. Never could afford a baby sitter, no family where we live ,and no one wants to watch my kids. No friends to go out with if I had a baby sitter anyway. I’m not exactly sure how life ended up this way so secluded but I have to trust God to lead me where he wants us to be and hes never opened any doors for friendships or moving to a big city or ever getting me out of the house around others. Like you my husband is my best friend and I bother him to no end all day long with my ramblings. I hope God leads your life where he wants it to be and that you are open to following. That goes for my family as well. And that God gives us the grace to do this willingly without loosing our minds!
I think American culture is very individualistic and moms don’t reach out. Unfortunately. I don’t believe this is what God intends. God provides for our needs and loves us. I love that Matthew 7 reminds us that our Father wants to give us good things. So close friends is something I am asking God for. I would suggest praying and then asking God who you know that you can initiate with. I think the moms who don’t seem to want friendship really need it and they just might respond as you pray and reach out. That is where I am right now because I have felt the same Kat. I do believe God has good for us as we homeschool and He can bring other balanced moms and help us to encourage each other. I am sure moms with older kids will have more to say. Mine are 9 years down to baby.
I think being a stay at home mom can be lonely and then add in homeschooling which creates scheduling conflicts, it can be hard to find time and people to be social with. It is just hard to find the time that works for multiple families. I also know for me personally, though I love people the idea of finding time to create deep meaningful friendships, which takes time, overwhelms me a bit. I think people want friendships, but the time it takes, and with everything else going on it is easy to just withdraw instead of putting themselves out there.
I find scheduling get togethers hard because school takes the morning, sometimes into early afternoon, there is not as much free time, eapecially as the kids get older, taking time off school has to be made up in some way. I grew up being HSed and my mom did not have a lot of social time. HSing really does feel like scheduling around a full time job at times
I know for me, even with my good friends, I have 3 very close friends, we actually dont talk that often, but when we do it is great! Our schedules are all different, it makes getting together hard, especially as the kids get older. When the kids were little time revolved around naps, now it revolves around activities and school. I rarely talk to them on the phone and we see each other during the week at the Bible study we all attend, but often just in quick passing 10 min conversation here and there. Texting is more common way to connect, but even that is not too often.
In my area there are a lot of homeschoolers, but I actually don’t know that many. The large majority of homeschool families participate in coops, so they have their coop friends, which I understand as they have that in common.
Sorry not much actual help. It is hard at times going days only talking to my kids, as my husband works 60 hours/week so dont even talk to him much sometimes, haha, but it does make the times I do get to see my friends that much more special. And my friends feel similar. Would love to have more time for social gatherings, but scheduleds what they are take what we can get 🙂
And dont ever look past an opportunity to meet someone. I met a very nice mom at swim lessons. we chatted every lesson for almost two months. We are still friends, even if not super close and had great conversations as we waited for the kids to swim. One of my good friends was met through a CL advertisement for childrens items for sale, we hit it off and have been friends for 10 years, never would have expected that, haha
Sometimes to have friends, you have to schedule it and make it happen.
Thirteen years ago I married and moved 600 miles from my family to live in the small community where my husband grew up. For the first 2 1/2 years I didn’t have a close friend besides my husband. It seemed really tough to ‘belong’ in a community where everyone else had always been there. I had my husband and a baby. Finally, I met another mom who had just had her first baby and was not a native of that community. A year later, we started a mother’s book study with 3 other moms. We would meet during the day for pot-luck lunch and conversation while our children played. We are all still friends, although 2 of us have moved away. When we visit my husband’s family, I make the time to visit my friends as well.
Ironically, four years ago, our family of 6 moved back to where my parents were living when I got married. I actually am not from this area. My parents moved here when I was a junior in college. So once again, the need for close friends arose. I have family nearby. I go to a very close-knit church, and I have many friends there, and some who homeschool. I am the only mother who uses Charlotte Mason’s methods, and so I needed a mother’s support system for the education I am trying to give my children.
May 2016…I posted on this discussion forum to see if there were any other Charlotte Mason educators in my area. In July, I got one response from a lady who was moving to my area. January 2017…We started the Clarksville-Area Charlotte Mason Discussion Group in Clarksville, Tennessee. I posted on charlottemasonincommunity.com to let others know that we were beginning a group (I had no idea if we would have any response) using Brandy Vencel’s study “Start Here: A Journey Through Charlotte Mason’s 20 Principles.” Interestingly, you can do this study on your own, but Brandy recommends that you pray for at least one friend, which I did. My husband prayed too and gave me his full encouragement to start this group.
At any rate, we started the group and it is still going one year later. It is small, usually 2-5 ladies, but we always have great discussions and I always feel rejuvenated when I get back home. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and all the things I have to do as a wife, mother and home educator (I know it’s easy to get down), I feel encouraged and enabled to do the tasks at hand. I am usually gone for 4 hours one evening a month and it is worth any sacrifice our family has to make to make this happen.
As a group, we have also met at the park for play dates and participated in a Charlotte Mason handicraft fair in Nashville.
As I was reading for our discussion group, I came across these words from Charlotte Mason:
<p style=”text-align: left;”>”Perhaps the main part of a child’s education should be concerned with the great human relationships, relationships of love and service, of authority and obedience, of reverence and pity and neighborly kindness; relationships to kin and friend and neighbor, to ’cause’ and country and kind, to the past and the present.” (School Education, p.80)</p>
We mothers are born persons, just as much as our children, and we need these great human relationships as well. I would encourage you to pray, take a leap of faith, and do what you can to make those relationships happen. You will be so glad you did.~Rachel
P.S. If you live in the Clarksville/Fort Campbell area, we would love for you to join our discussion group!
I am so sad to hear that so many homeschool moms feel secluded and lonely. I felt this way when my kids were toddlers and my only friends were the ones I worked with. Those friendships fell apart when I quit to stay home and I was left totally without female companions. No sisters and an estranged mother didnt help. I did have to seek out MOPS and Community Bible Study (CBS) those early years. CBS is nationwide and many have studies that accomodate homeschoolers, you might check into something like that. Our first years of homeschoolong we joined a pretty structured coop with classes, field trips, assemblies, etc. Joining a group and then volunteering to serve within the group is a great way to meet people. When you have a job and are forced to talk to people outside your normal circle you make many unexpected friends. We only stayed in the group a few years (it started feeling too structured). But it helped me connect with people and activities that are still a part of our lives. Maybe you could start a moms ministry in your church. I dont think God intended mothering to be done withhout support of our sisters. Sadly in our culture we have all lost the art of hospitality, not just in our own home but in our social circles as well. You have really opened my eyes and I am going to make more effort to reach out to new homeschoolers.
Thanks guys! I am saddened, but not surprised at how many other moms feel lonely. I don’t think its a problem isolated to stay at home/homeschool moms, but also for people who work. I think as a culture, we are very production/work focused. This leaves little time or energy that it takes to build friendships. And then there are the other issues (which I’m sure many of us have experienced) that come with new connections; perhaps that new person is not a very nice person, or they are flakey, or…. maybe they aren’t interested in new friends because they have already have a tightly woven group of women. I love all the suggestions of connecting at church, bible studies and other homeschoolers- I haven’t given up yet on connecting with other women, and I really like the idea of starting a moms group at my church.
I think one part for me personally is that I’m not one to just ‘accept’ the way things are, and sometimes I wish there were things that could/would change culturally, but I suppose changing culture always starts with a small group of people.
I didn’t mention, but I’m an aspiring film maker, and I would love to do a documentary on homeschoolers, and stay at home moms, and just what life is like, the fun, hard, and interesting stuff. Thanks so much for your thoughts, I love hearing about where all of you are at.
I’m just curious, let’s pretend that homeschooler moms had 1 day every 2 weeks to “devote” to getting out and doing social things, is that something that you as a homeschooler would jump on board with? I know there are people who already try to do this, but I meant if homeschoolers as a collective kind of understood that every several days there was a ‘fun’ day set aside, do you think people would be on board?
Thanks! Back to doing language arts! 🙂
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