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Reluctant Child–Help!
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We just started homeschooling with Kindergarten this wk and I am so discouraged! I have a 5 yr, 3 yr and 1 yr old) My oldest daughter (a bit insecure, reserved and would like to be with me 24H a day) is VERY bright (started reading at 3 yrs, does single digit addition in her head, etc). I have been having trouble with her dwaddling and sabotaging her work. We are using MUS Primer (I debated in using Alpha, but decided in Primer to increase her confidence level and get her used to the program). She loved it the first day, but after that she would dawdle for an hour over something that was super easy for her and should have taken her 5 minutes. She likes to write, but writes her letters incorrectly, so I am teaching her to write them the correct way. She hates handwriting and makes every excuse to not do it, gives up and purposefully traces outside the lines of the letter to “prove” that she cannot do it. This goes the same with using scissors (and other things like making her bed and brushing her teeth). I do not know what to do. I do not think my expectations of her abilities are high. I have seen her do great work, but for some reason, even with things she can do, she claims that she can’t and wants me to help (ie: cutting paper to make a craft, brush her teeth for her). I’ve told her I know she can do it, that she’s bright and that I WILL help her only if I see that she’s making and effort. I have tried to make handwriting and using scissors “fun” by joining it with coloring pictures and other crafts, but it doesn’t seem to work. I don’t want to nag. I want her to enjoy school, but at the same time, hold her to a standard of not wasting time and to perservere through hard things. She’s bright but if something’s remotely hard, she wilts like a flower and gives up right away. In some ways, she’s such a self-motivated person. I know it’s kindergarten, and I don’t really have a strict schedule, but I would like to get something accomplished at the end of 4 hours of “school”. How do I help her learn perserverance while not squashing her spirit and make learning enjoyable? Maybe homeschooling’s not for us?
My oldest dd is 8 next week. I think partly being the oldest, partly her personality, contributes to the fact that she doesn’t like to do something where she might make a mistake and she lacks confidence to try some new things. She does try new things when it comes to sports but piano, which was totally her idea, used to make her cry every day b/c she hated not knowing how to do it without making mistakes. Now she has to try really hard not to loose it when she is learning a new song and I have to remind her she is learning and she will have to try many times to get it right. She is not as bright sounding as your daughter, but she dwadled over phonics/letter formation in K and still does in math and reading. I have heard her reading to her cousin and it was beautiful. I know she is capable of the math and she did her copy work in K without issue so it confused me why she struggled and complained when I kept lessons so short and all of Charlotte’s other fabulous ideas. She has grown out of it some but I am a bit anxious to see how this year goes when we start on Tuesday. As far as bed making or chores, I tell my kids they can’t leave the room or do anything till it is done properly. I have a struggle with my current 5 yr old, but the 8 yr old has mostly grown out of that with her age and consistancy on my part. I do not think her reluctance or dwadling is any indication that homeschooling is not for you. I do not have any great wisdom except that you are not the only one in this situation and she will likely grow out of some of it if it is not allowed to become a habit of hers. As for how to help her form better habits, I will let others speak to that. There are probably ideas that would work well for you and some that wouldn’t. Don’t get down on yourself, you have made a huge commitment to your family. Oh, and one last thing, our formal K only took about a half an hour per day….
When I read the description you gave of your daughter, I would say that she is a perfectionist (very common in bright children) – and that she is scared of not doing things “right”. By purposely doing things wrong, she doesn’t have to worry about failing. (My son did similar things, although he would just refuse to do anything instead of doing it wrong….)
Although what you are saying to your daughter is what we naturally say (“You can do this”) – it will actually make it worse for your daughter because it confirms that you expect her to be able to do it, which makes it riskier for her to fail at it, so she isn’t going to try because she doesn’t want you to be dissapointed in her failure – she doesn’t want to take the risk. Above all she wants your approval.
I had to learn to tell my son that what I wanted was for him to try – that it didn’t matter if he did it or not as long as he was trying his best. That mistakes are a part of learning. It is a message that takes a while to “take”. Oh, your daughter will watch how you react to your own mistakes…. if you “beat yourself up” when YOU make a mistake, she will too…. but if you can laugh off your own mistakes that will help her.
Because she is only 5, I would back off for a bit on the school parts of this…. but if you do continue with the school parts – focus and praise the effort. If she draws a picture, say something like “wow, you really worked hard at this” instead of “what a beautiful picture”.
Hope this helps.
I totally agree with suzukimom. I think she really does have trouble with cutting. Children go about avoiding hard things for a variety of reasons. Things you think they could do because they can do other things so easily, they can’t always do. My daughter taught herself to read at 4 and is very bright as well. She is 9 now and has always had trouble with cuttting an coloring/drawing neatly. She doesn’t want to do these things. As frustrating as it is for me, I have to let some of that go. No one has to be good at everything. At 5 I would totally back off. Let her do what she loves and it good at. There is no rush. 4 hours of K seems like quite a bit. We do about 3-4 hours of school for 4th,5th and 6th grades. Let her try cutting for a very short time and then go on to something else.
My kids are older but the frustration is the same. I have planned what I thought was fun and reasonable work and they don’t always want to or do it cheerfully and want to work hard. It takes years to have the character to work at hard things. Natural tendencies are to not want to do what is hard for us.
I hope some of that was of some help. Don’t give up homeschooling yet. You are doing fine!!! Keep encouraging her gently and read a lot to her. She is already ahead for K level. You could do no school and she would still be ahead for 1st.
Our 5 year old has had similar issues on and off (fighting things even though I know she can do them, dawdling, giving up easily when she can’t do something perfectly the first time.) While we are still working through this issue at our house, here’s a few things that I’ve found helpful as we’ve gone through this journey…
– When she is fighting me tooth and nail I usually make her finish whatever it is in that moment, just so she doesn’t get the idea that whining will get her what she wants. However, I have also taken it as a sign that we need to change something and endeavor to change it before we run into the issue again. For us, it meant taking a complete break from handwriting for awhile. We’re back at it now, but rather than giving her the worksheets that I was giving her before, I have started making very simple copywork sheets using lines from whatever her favorite book from our library basket was that week. It’s amazing how much more motivating that has been for her to do it without whining and how she has been far more careful. I also alternate between letting her go back to tracing (which is very easy for her now) and actually copying (which is more challenging) so that she doesn’t get discouraged. Obviously with your situation, you need to evaluate what will work for you and what areas you need to adjust, but I think the same principle could apply: take a break for awhile, and think about new ways to come at it when you decide you’re ready to give it another go.
– I would agree with others that 4 hours sounds long for K. Our K takes about 1 hour of formal sit down time 4 days a week (includes Bible and Scripture memory, picture study/poetry/science-geography-history read alouds, calendar, phonics, math, and handwriting), with other things such as library trip, nature/outdoor time, art projects, read-alouds/literature sprinkled throughout the day/week at various times. It does sound like your daughter is ahead in a lot of the academic areas so I certainly don’t think it would hurt to keep things VERY light and gentle for her K year and let her mature a bit more, and work on developing good habits in other areas, before requiring as much in terms of the sit-down type of academic work.
– In terms of the dawdling, I’ve found that employing natural consequences has gotten us a LOT more mileage than nagging. spanks, etc. What I mean is that if she doesn’t finish the task (and finish it well) I’ve given her before we are ready to move on to the next thing, then she misses out on whatever that thing is. Yes, it means she’s missed out on dinner, snacks, stories a couple of times…but I think she is getting the message and I’ve started to see MAJOR improvement in this area as she realizes that I absolutely mean it when I say that “If you aren’t done with ____ by the time brother and I are ready to read stories, then you will not get to hear any stories today” and she gets a move on and finishes the task. We still have a ways to go, but we are getting there!
– In terms of giving up without even trying, and just insisting that she can’t do things, I have started telling her that she needs to try first before she asks for help (and I mean really try, not pretend to try or do it wrong on purpose). And when she DOES ask for help, it cannot be in a whining/complaining kind of way. And then I stick to it, especially when I know it’s something that she can do and she is just stalling or trying to get out of it. Sometimes there is some whining first, but it’s amazing how many things she CAN do. And when she does do them I always make the point to heap lots of praise on her to help build her confidence. Look: see what she CAN do. This area has improved drastically as well.
Hope there might be something helpful in there for you – we are still on this journey ourselves, but we are getting somewhere.
Thank you so much for all of your insight and wisdom. Yes, the 4H of school was overkill. It was only supposed to last 1H. We didn’t go 4H straight since there was a lot of dillydallying. Suzukimom, I never thought about that phrase, “I know you can do it” as backfiring. Maybe you are right. But I tell her that because with the things I mentioned, I have actually seen her do these things very well and when she shows me a picture she cut out that was very intricate, I praise her and remind her, “see, yesterday, you said you couldn’t do it and look how great it looks!”. But I should probably praise her more for her effort. All of these things that we are struggling with–she has demonstrated a number of times that she is capable of doing them so I don’t know why sometimes (now, it’s most of the time). Is it laziness? Is it because she is afraid of not being perfect and so doesn’t try? Thanks to you all. I think I will have to reorient my mind and re-view how I see school and do school.
I would also recomend The Way They Learn by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias. It doesn’t speak specifically to your current need (that I can remember, it has been a while since I read it) but it talks about how different people learn and alternatives to the traditional education that most of us received. I really struggled when I started b/c I thought homeschooling was school at home. I tried to make things just like they were when I was in K b/c I loved worksheets and stars on my papers and perfect handwriting. But my oldest is a very kinisethic learner and very unlike me so I have had to rethink a lot of things. We are doing 2nd this year (it is our 4th year since we quit our 1st year of K when she wasn’t ready yet) and things have changed a ton since then (I also found SCM that year which changed everything). You can do it, it takes time, but you have the advantage of tailoring things to her learning style and changing midstream if things are not working. God bless! Lori
Yes, she may still be afraid of failing even on things that she can do…. because she wants to do it perfect. It was the same with my son (and it showed up the earliest with his Suzuki Violin lessons…) He would be able to play a song – but then he would be refusing to even try playing it. One day he would play it, the next he wouldn’t. Or he would play it in group lesson but not during practices or individual lessons. Or he would play it during practice but not at lessons. I think it really depended on how emotionally invested he was at the time…. or who knows what other factors.
This was something we struggled with for a LONG time…. (how frustrating it is to hear you son play “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”, and then for months refuse to even try…… this was when it was at the worst….) I really had to work hard on what I would say and what my husband would say.
Oh Mama, this all sounds so familiar! We are just at the beginning of our second grade year, but we’ve shared your struggles since kindergarten. While we don’t have it all down pat yet, here are a few things that I’ve discovered work for me.
The biggest thing is my frustration. I have a hard time not sighing or nagging when she won’t complete something I know she’s capable of. I’ve really had to learn to have patience, to let natural consequence speak for me instead of speaking sharply to her.
Natural consequence – we have limited ‘play time’ in our days, when she chooses toys to play with and can just have true “free time”. But if her work is not done, there is no free time, because she must complete her work during those times. It usually only takes a gentle reminder about that and she’ll get to work.
The other thing is something I read one time about “holding their hand” until they’re ready to let go. Our dawdling happens most if I am not focusing on what she’s doing. Math and English are big ones, when there is work for her to do. I tend to want to give her the instruction, then walk away while she finishes the work. What I’ve discovered is that she benefits from having me sit there next to her and walk her through each step. I keep my knitting nearby so I have something to entertain me, or I get impatient. This school year, I’m seeing huge improvement – I can walk away for five or ten minutes now, and she’ll have made actual progress. Last year, she’d have sat there and stared out the window. So while I’m ready to “let go”, she’s obviously not. So I have to make sure she can have my undivided attention during those subjects that she really needs my help focusing on.
Wishing you the best – don’t feel too discouraged. I think much of this is a “first born” personality trait. It just takes practice, and possibly a bit of changing our expectations, to get everyone on the right track.
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