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Relating to Your Child
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My oldest ds is 6 1/2. From conception, I have struggled with this child – but for the purpose of this conversation, I basically just think he is very different from me. For example, he is and has always been obsessed with trucks and now rescue vehicles of all kinds. He only recently started to like to listen to music, and also only recently would allow me to read him a book. And the book thing is really difficult. He doesn’t seem very interested in anything about nature. He has responded somewhat more positively to the 3 audiobooks we’ve listened to but they didn’t have anything remotely to do with nature. When I read a “school” book, its hard to say if he enjoyed the book or not. Oftentimes he acts bored with it. Its a little better when I have him take turns with me reading. This isn’t always possible.
Then there is his chatter – the stuff he likes to talk about are not very interesting to me. We allow our boys to watch Rescue Heroes in the evening because they love that stuff, but then I hear all about the show the next day. Endlessly. And I’m frustrated because he isn’t talking about anything he’s read! And he’s in this phase where everything is “boring”. I admit, I am pretty annoyed by this child most of the time.
One thing that has helped somewhat with school work is having him work independently on his phonics stuff and some of the geography stuff we’ve been doing. He likes that.
Idk, I know I’m rambling here. he is just so different from his brother, who loves to be read to and likes animals and all the sorts of things other children do. So does anybody have any insights?
May I just say you are not alone. I have a 12 yr old son who is in love with hunting, rifle/bow. I can only talk and listen to so much. So after talking with another friend of mine she said that when it gets to be to much to just say something like: I am so glad you enjoy ….. (what ever) but mom needs to focus on other things today. I will listen more another day. Or as with my older son I can say. Keegan.. I know you enjoy hunting and everything about it. But mom’s not interested in learning more about that subject. So when you want to tell me of something new I will listen but I don’t want the entire details about it. Just give me the summed up version.
I also have 3.5 yr old who LOVES LOVES LOVES Thomas the Train that’s all he wants to play, do, read, and watch. Same thing with him but at a more age appropiate level.
You are not alone. I hope that gives you some insight. I also have a 7 kids some I have more in common with and others not much. But those are just God’s special ways of making me a good mom. Though there are day’s I’d love to scream I DON”T CARE ABOUT THAT!! ahhh go away… BUT I don’t. LOL
I understand not having common interests with people that you love, sometimes it can be frustrating to not be able to “relate” to these people very well. I also have a son, as well as a husband, who are very good at computer/technological things, that’s great…..however, I can not understand most of what my husband says on this topic (which is a lot!) and I don’t get excited about the things that my little boy get’s excited about at all.
All that being said, however, I CAN get excited that he is excited about something and that he has an interest and an area that he excels in. I also pray quite regularly that the Lord will give me wisdom and insight in dealing with and understanding all my kids. Especially the ones that I don’t relate to as well! I will encourage you to take this to the Lord in prayer. He made you this child’s mother for a reason. part of our job is to see that reason and, with God’s help for all of this, be that person that that child needs us to be. Please don’t get discouraged with how you DO NOT relate to your son, instead remember that you ARE the best person for the job!
I also wanted to touch on what you mentioned at the beginning of your post. The fact that you were even thinking about the fact that you have “struggled” with him since conception leads me to believe that there may be some “deeper” issues with why there is some tension between you two and why you are feeling badly about not relating well to him. I also feel that you should dig a bit deeper into this issue with, #1God’s help and, if needed, possibly a trusted and wise friend or Christian counselor.
Be encouraged! He will not ever ask us to do something that He will not then give us the strength and wisdom to do. The key is (I have learned this one the hard way, myself!) that we not do it in our own strength and with our own, human wisdom.
be blessed and encouraged!
I agree with others that God placed the two of you together. Continue to pray about this and be open to change and growth within yourself to relate to the little guy. My two children are very different, and my second child sometimes amazes me and humbles me because what worked with my older child doesn’t work with him. Motherhood has definitely pushes me beyond my usual comfort zones, that is for sure.
As a mom to a boy (age 9), I’ve had to tell my boy that I’m not his friend but I’m his mother. There are certain convesations that are great for his friends but not so great for his mom. (And for the “boring” comments, I think that is a matter of habit. I would work on changing that habit in him – it is not a habit that will serve him well and is best nipped in the bud now.)
I, too, have a daughter who is hard for me to understand sometimes. She’s a dawdler, loves to talk nonsense quite a bit, sees everything a little bit differently from the rest of us. Sometimes I think she’s trying to annoy me on purpose…ha! It’s hard because you want to relate to your children and you want to think that you have something in common with them.
I just had to take my daughter to the Lord and lay her at His feet. I knew that God made me her mother for a reason, and it was just as much to mold my own character as it was to train and love her. Once I realized that it wasn’t all about her, and that God actually had a plan for me in it too, I stopped fighting it. I stopped trying to change her. I also had to study my daughter. Taking a step back and trying to see her through un-annoyed eyes was vital for my relationship with her. I needed to learn what made her tick, what interested her and why, how she responded to me and others. I discovered very quickly that I wanted her to be like me, when all along she was trying to be her own little person. It doesn’t work that way! We were playing tug of war all the time against each other’s personality.
I would encourage you to understand that your son’s personality isn’t going to change and go ahead and make peace with that. God created him to be interested in trucks and rescue shows right now, and that’s ok. I’m interested in sewing, and my son has no interest in it whatsoever. That’s just a difference we have.
Do you know your son’s love language? Because my love language is gifts, that’s how I tend to love others. I didn’t know that my daughter’s love language wasn’t gifts because I never considered otherwise. Well, her love language is sincere praise and I was trying to shower her with presents! All the while, she needed an “Atta girl!” instead of me trying to “surprise” her all the time. She needed me to notice her haphazard Lego house or the way she swaddled her dolls and praise her for all those little things. My son’s love language is physical touch. He loves to snuggle, to be held, to have his back rubbed. That’s how he speaks LOVE. Every child is different and it is our job as parents to find out how our children respond best to love.
Finally, I just had to ask God for the key to my daughter’s heart. I longed to really know her, and I didn’t. I admit, I still don’t understand everything about her; but I continue to seek God for the key to her heart.
That’s really all I can offer you. It’s not easy, but it is life-changing. Be prepared for your heart and mind to change though…not your son’s. This may be something God wants YOU to walk through.
Blessings,
Lindsey
There was a time when dd was really into something and I purposely slowed down on allowing her to play with it or get presents about it. I just didn’t want it to be all consuming for her so I needed to slow down. just like anything else in her life, moderation.
So, if this resonates with you, you could slowly ease off letting him play with certain types of toys, play outside more often for example, but not with those toys. Ease off the shows that foster this consumming drive of a certain toy. It’s just moderation, as i see it.
Maybe one way to slowly ease away from it is to incorportate other things with these toys. I.E. if he likes trucks so much, have the trucks carry the bugs, if that’s what you are studying, to the next place. Or talk about why they really can’t be driven but they have to fly from flower to flower to do their thing. I don’t know if bringing two things together like that would be helpful or just make it worse, you’ll have to decide.
I think by curbing his time with only certain toys and time…time for him to grow out of it, it’s not going to last forever.
I’ve heard some parents say when their child was obsessed with something and couldn’t get them to read, they would gather books that were about said obsession. they gladly read lots because they had a keen interest. It would certainly parlay into science if you went into how an engine works etc. it could be endless.
So, with all those ideas going in both directions :), you’ll have to see what seems right to you.
Yolanda
Oh, I saw this in my stuff to write out and look at each day. I need this as well.
Sono said that “parent/child relationships are not for ease and happiness but are the context for the change God works in and through us… God is working in you and you may not be cooperating yet.” I can still feel how my toes felt (gratefully) stepped on by her gracious message.
Hey everyone – I wanted to thank you all for your posts, they have been so helpful. It was nice to be reminded once again, that I am not alone in my experiences. You have all given great advice that I’m going to start using.
I think that it is just hard sometimes to find some common ground between us – our likes and interests are so different. I think also that I would like him to be more interested in what we learn in our school time, but maybe that will come in time. 🙂
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