rejecting "youth group" : those who have chime in

@mrsbrumgard: “This is where my question comes in for you…how do you encourage your child to want to sit with you? “ When mine were younger (I still do), I just reinforced the Deut. 6 teaching that it is the parents responsibility to do the religious training; just like we teach them instead of the government. It’s between rabbi, me and their father, and them. I gave them their own book to write/draw in as they message was being taught to put down whatever they got from the teaching. It was for us to listen to the message together and discuss it as a family later to clarify things we agreed/disagreed with and discuss the Scripture used in order to train them to think critically, to compare with our beliefs, and in how we are raising them. They aren’t pew-sitters just nodding their heads without thinking.
Occasionally I would let them go to the 7-9 class, but then they always said they already knew the material (I heard back from the teacher’s that they always wanted to answer). The same occurred when I had to send them to Tues. night class, at least 1x a month (that’s all I did) in order to fulfill one of the obligations for Bar/Bat Mitzvah class. Both of them learned nothing new, they picked up bad habits, and were bored. My dd said she helped the teaching sometimes. The teacher told me how impressed she was by them. But I considered it a complete waste of time.
Two things I concluded: when you teach Bible study daily in your home, then the twaddly material and discussion, combined with the group dynamic where one or more distracts everyone from the teaching, then the extra class is unnecessary to train your kids up anyway. It’s just a social time and sometimes that a bad thing.
My dd also told me that she doesn’t now (at 14) remember what she learned in the little people’s class (the 4-6) and they didn’t learn anything in the 7-9 when I let them go occasionally. But they do know how to dress and behave in services; we sit as a family, instead of them being grouped together with the other kids, and most importantly and most obviously, they know how to communicate comfortably with adults. They have also had unique mentor-type relationships develop amongst a couple of the adults. The downside is that the other kids are tightly knitted together to one another, so my children are on the outskirts of the ‘groups’ (which is exactly what these peer-classes create), having a couple of true friends in the bunch, but mine are not part of the larger group or clique.
There’s no spiritual guarentee either way. My son is really struggling right now. But my children know who to come to for the hard spiritual questions and they don’t need a “safe person” to go to during these years, as our homeschooling and life experience has made our bonds close, so I am the safe person. For ex: who teaches them about sexuality? I do. Plus, they have the adults whom they/we trust in our Congregation (and in others) if I need to give a holler for help, praying with them if need be (and they have), and they have their grandparents. They don’t need peers to show them how to be G-dly adults. Peers can’t do that anyway, IMO.

But, it’s something you and your husband need to discuss. To me, it’s an extension of my principles of homeschooling.

@4myboys-

“I think you are trying to make sure that they don’t interpret a lack of interest in regular participation means that you don’t want your teen(s) to be excluded from all youth related activities.”

That’s correct.

“…sending an invitation to join the youth shouldn’t automatically be seen as an attempt to pressure you or a judgement on your parenting. Most likely every freshman teen got the same invite.”

I agree. I wasn’t offended; I was expecting it. I’ve just been dreading the day, that’s all! I do think the invite (as I interpreted it, as it was written directly to the teen without mention of parents) should be for the parents AND the young person to come to ‘orientation’, not just the young person. It’s an example, IMO, of the forced separation -and usurpation many times – that takes place in these scenarios.

The youth group I’m referring to is one that meets mid-week (Tues.nights) and has other outings and activities. I haven’t yet heard back from the director, nor have we been to services yet since. I’ll either be completely left alon, like I have been all these years, or someone will want to talk to me. We’ll see. This is the email I sent:

Thank youfor thinking of Jacob for the Temple Teens; however, he will not be participating in the Tuesday night classes. However, I would like to keep open his participation in extracurricular activities and tzedakah opportunities within the Congregation and/or Community at large, as he is able.

Please keep me abreast of these opportunities so we can plan ahead as needed.

Thank you.

When my children were questioned (actually, just my dd), she was between 12-14. This was with the “pre-teen” leader. She’s also been asked by other adults and pestered by the other young people, which she despises the most. But no one in leadership – rabbi included – has ever asked me or followed up with me after talking to her. I have had other congregants inquire, but I can count that on one hand. I guess they just figured – ‘that’s Rachel’. I’ve always been kind of – different.

@missusleata – I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I agree with Nebby above. Also, in the Hebrew Bible (OT), Joshua read the Scroll of the Teaching of Moses to everyone, it even specifying children, together with the community. When a portion of the exiles came back, and Ezra read the scroll that had been found, same thing-men, women, and all who could understand. Some translations have children in there. Historically, the Sunday school movement was not at all for those children who came from “churched” families, but only the illiterate and unchurched children who were left out alone while their parents were working. It was kind of social work combined with missionary activity.

Then, in the late 29th cen., it became meshed with the burgeoning government school, peer grouped, progressive style of education and here we are now. I’m sure you already know this though.

Again, I’m sorry your previous church took that route. It must’ve been very stressful on your family.

You know, what do these pastors think people did before nurseries and children’s and youth programs in our country’s past?

Anyway, I’ll get off my soap-box, now.