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Questions for those with many children
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I have four children, ages 16, 13, almost 8 and 7. (Only my two little ones homeschool.) We are considering adopting again and have found a family of four sisters (ages 10, 7, 6, 5) that we are considering. The jump from four to eight children is huge. I imagine we’d have a very different kind of home life with so many children – life would need to be much more organized, more systems and routines put into place…things we may need now but that we’d HAVE to have if we have eight children. I guess what I’m hoping is to hear (from anyone willing to share) is what is life like with so many children? How is it different than when you had only four? I try to imagine what would be different; I know travel would be much harder (we’d take up a lot of space in other’s homes, we’d need 3 hotel rooms…) and we’d need something larger than a minivan, for example. I also don’t know if families with so many children ever feel like they have enough time with them individually. How does everyone get the focused attention they need? I don’t know anyone with more children than I already have so I don’t have anyone I know to ask!
We have five biological children and added five more through adoption, one at a time however. How exciting to hear your news! To say this will be a transition is an understatement. The transition time for adopting one seemed to be about six months~~ with four, I would encourage you to think of a transition time, a time where things just won’t be normal, for a year or two.
If you are able to do some advance preparation, I would put some meals in the freezer and develop an easy meal plan for the first several months. Also, if you could get some help with laundry or cleaning initially so that you can focus on the kids, that would be a huge blessing as well.
The logistics of a large family are that everyone needs to help. The blessing is that, after the kids have been trained to help, even a large house can get cleaned in about an hour.
Focused attention?? Honestly, I think it’s a modern invention which our ancestors did just fine without. We do the best we can. We train our children to work alongside of us, we eat three meals a day together and spend time talking, we try to schedule fun family events, but one on one time is scarce. My adopted children are much “needier” than my bio kids and some of them think they require all my attention, all the time. I give what I can and constantly ask God to fill me up! Some of my kids think they get short-changed. I feel sorry about that, but also know that this is God’s calling for me and I trust Him to heal the brokenness, fill in the cracks and cover over a multitude of my sins and short-comings.
Shannon, you ask some great questions! I’ve got eight so I’ll answer what I can, but remember that each family’s experience is different. We deal with serious medical needs with #7. You would be dealing with adoption issues I have no experience with.
In practical terms, yes, routines and organization are really important with many children in the home. The things I have found that matter most in that area are:
– Getting rid of stuff! The less you have the more room there is for people. You don’t need as many toys, etc. And the more you have the more they can make a mess with. 😉
– Having a routine for meals and snacks. There is so much food going on when you’re feeding 10 people every day that you have to set some boundaries and have a meal plan. We even set snack times and then don’t allow anyone to just grab food outside of those times. I learned long ago that I want to cook one breakfast and cleanup, not let kids wake up on their own time and make 8 different breakfasts and have 8 cleanups.
– Train children in chores and assign them for a full year. I talk a lot about this in a blog series I did here: http://ourbusyhomeschool.com/operation-chore-training/ You really can’t do it all alone, the children need to help (and it is so important for them, not just for you). And after great training they can really master chores that they are responsible for long term. You want to work yourself out of a job, training them to do each chore as they grow to prepare them for adulthood. You become the manager and trainer. I honestly do less housework now with 8 children than I ever did with 4. They all do a little and it really adds up.
How is life different with 8 than 4? Well, for me, I finally have older children! My children are now 12, 9, 7, 6, 4, 2, 1, 3mos. I love that they always have someone to play with, read with, etc. I have to pay more attention to what is going on all around the house because they can be everywhere at once. I am busier, there is usually someone who needs a moment of mom’s time for a hug, answer to a question, etc. But my life is also full of these amazing people who are funny and I love being around.
Getting out the door is harder. It just takes a bit more time to get everyone dressed, in coats and shoes, and diaper bags packed (remember, I have 3 children UNDER age 3 right now). But honestly I can get everyone up, fed, dressed, and out the door to church on Sunday mornings in an hour if I have to. It goes back to being organized and having the kids in a routine where they know what to do when you say, We’re leaving for church in an hour, get moving.
Going through the store gets you lots of stares and comments. Lots.
Vehicle wise we have a 12 passenger van, which actually drives a lot like a minivan. I used to think I would never learn to park it, but you adjust.
Do I feel like I get enough one on one time with them? Yes. We do a few things to help this. One, I will do chores with different children each day as a partner. Two, I take one child along on most errands, and so will daddy. Three, I just grab a child and take time. So early mornings I may be with an early riser. For lunch prep I have one child help and we talk. I try to be a ‘yes’ mom. If a child wants me to read to them, play a game, etc I try to say yes or use their request to set a time. So, “Yes, I will play dominoes with you after dinner” if I can’t play right that minute.
How does everyone get the focused attention they need? One huge factor is that I’m not the only place they can get attention. They live in a home with 9 other people to talk to, do something with, and have one on one time with. Yes, they need some of me, but you would be surprised how much having a large family fills up a child’s need for focused attention because they have so many people who can give them some (and get it in return). I love seeing the relationships that develop and who becomes extra close.
Phew, I think that answered most of your original questions! Do you have any more questions? I’m pretty much an open book. For example, have you considered how more children will affect the time you spend with your spouse? 😉 (In our situation I always laugh when people ask if my husband and I ever get any alone time. Isn’t the fact that we’ve given birth to so many children evidence of our very healthy marriage with one on one time? LOL) Don’t feel like any question is silly either, because there are no silly questions!
Thank you SO much for these responses. I woke up feeling like there’s no way we can do this…and maybe in the end we’ll decide not to…but these replies are so encouraging and that maybe life with eight chidlren wouldn’t just drive us all crazy. 🙂 I think the transition time will be extended bc there are four and they are older (Jean, how old were your children when they came home?) and also becasue they don’t speak English. But many in our family speak their native language and I’m sure that will help a lot in the first months.
Tristan I’ve read your chore blogs and found them helpful already. I’m sure I’ll be back with more questions once we get closer to making a decision. If anyone thinks of other things to add, I’m all ears!
Shannon – you’ve already adopted so you know what to expect but I read this article a while back and thought (from my poor memory!!!) that maybe some of the questions might be helpful to review since this time you’re adopting more than one… you might have different answers to the questions than if you were “just” adopting one. If it’s not helpful – skip it! http://www.chsfs.org/blog/so-you-think-you-should-adopt-please-think-again
Rebekah
I don’t have your exact scenario, but we went from 3 kids to five kids by bringing home a sibling group overnight, about 2 weeks ago. I am definitely more organized! I did try to pre-plan to think about things and how they would work. For example, everyone has a designated color of plate, a designated water bottle in the fridge, etc. ITA with what Tristan said about the kids keeping each other company. We have been working on “buddy time” where 2 kids play together without others around. They really enjoy it!
The reality is, people who adopt need to be called to adoption. If God is calling you to adopt these girls, He will enable you to take care of them and be what they need. He will equip those He has called!
How amazing that you are thinking of doing this!
I do think that it is wise to consider how you will give one on one time attention to the adopted children. We went from 1-4 through sibling adoption, so I can’t speak to the logistics of a very large family, but it is vitally important that you carve out one on one time for all the children when you have adopted. The adopted children need to develop a secure attachment to you as the parent and your biological children will most likely feel displaced so they need to be reassured that you still love them too. You don’t need to spend a ton of time, but with that many children it will add up to a lot of time. I always make sure that each child has one on one time to read with me, play with me, and cuddle with me. Sometimes this means I set a timer and tell the kids that it is special time with Mommy and each child gets a turn with me. When life gets busy and I don’t take as much time for one on one attention, some of my children’s behavior detoriates quite a bit. Children who have been through trauma will need lots of loving attention to build a healthy attachment with you.
And I second the advice to get help where you can. When we first adopted, we weren’t homeschooling, and I somehow managed to keep up with the housework probably because I only had two at home. Now, that we are homeschooling it is virtually impossible to keep up with it all. My kids due to special needs and their emotional needs just need more attention than typically developing children, and I am plain worn out. I am on the brink of hiring a housekeeper. My kids aren’t really old enough to help much with chores, though.
I found out this morning another family is looking at their file. If they don’t proceed then we get to see the children’s file. My youngest son dreamed last night that we adopted the girls. I hope he is right. I’m trying to not get too caught up in it, praying that what is best for the children is what will happen. I’ve been stress eating all morning. 🙁 It will probably be several days before we know if we have a chance.
We still have not received the children’s file (the first family is still deciding) but the girls are on all our minds these days. I fluctuate from being excited to being terrified, or too tired, or certain we can’t afford it on the day-to-day basis, etc. My question of the night is how do you do night time with so many children? It takes me ForEver right now with only four. I start getting the 7yos ready at 7pm (teeth brushed and pajamas on), then read to them. Then they are starting to sleep in their own room (at least for the first part of the night) but one needs me to be beside him until he falls asleep (he is the one who comes to sleep in my bed in the middle of the night). After they are asleep I hang out with or read to my daughter (13yo) and put her to bed, then I do the same with my oldest son (16yo). It is at least 10:00 before I’m finished with all the children. Taking so long with the little ones drives me a little crazy and I hope this phase will pass. I feel with 4 kids it ‘should’ take me no more than 2 hrs to get them all in bed and asleep. But what does that mean when there are 4 more? How do I make this process shorter and still have bedtime reading and/or the comforting they seem to really need before falling asleep?
Thanks!!
Bedtime works differently for different stages! Right now this is our bedtime, and has been stable for a while on times/situations:
Around 7:30pm all children are sent to get PJs on. A buddy helps the 2yo, mommy helps the 1yo and 3 month old. 8pm Daddy reads aloud to everyone. We pray as a family and then the following children go to the bathroom one last time, grab a book light, and go to their bed: 12yo, 9yo, 7yo, 6yo, 4yo. We turn an audio book on in the hall for everyone to listen if they don’t want to read/look at a book.
That leaves the 2yo, 1yo, and 3 month old downstairs with Mommy and Daddy. The 2yo lays on the couch with a pillow and blanket (if sent upstairs he just runs around playing on other people’s beds). Once asleep he is carried to bed. The 1yo gets one last drink in mommy or daddy’s arms and falls asleep in arms with a teddy bear. Once asleep he is tucked into his bed upstairs. The 3 month old is hopefully sleeping, but if not he is held/diapered/fed by the other parent, then tucked into his crib when asleep.
We have a special situation to deal with a few nights a week. Daddy is a truck driver and some nights he has to be in bed before the kids, or before the 3 little ones are asleep. On those nights the 12yo stays up with Mommy to help with the 3 little ones’ bedtime routine downstairs. This has become a great mommy/daughter time where we talk and sometimes watch a movie or tv series. (Right now we’re working through the first season of Lark Rise to Candleford).
In case you’re wondering, here is the bedroom situation:
Bedroom 1: Mommy and daddy, plus a crib for the 3 month old.
Bedroom 2: Two sets of bunk beds with boys ages 9, 6, 4, 2.
Bedroom 3: One bunk and one crib mattress on the floor with girls age 12 and 7, plus 1yo on crib mattress. The reason it is on the floor is he’s paralyzed from the waist down and also has a foot brace he wears at night with 2 shoes and a metal bar between them(or was until his leg contracture began…waiting on surgery for that….). It’s not safe for him to be up on a bed frame, but he no longer sleeps well in a crib. Hence the mattress on the floor.
The plan eventually is to put 2 trundles under the 2 bunks in the boys’s room to fit all 6 boys in there. We’ll need Mason (1yo) to be older so it’s safer for him.
Tristan, that sounds so…organized. And sane. It seems easier for you to get your 8 to bed than I do with my 4! I put a high priority on reading/hanging out with my two older kids at bedtime bc they go to public school and so I don’t see them all day. I always try to give them an hour (30 min each) at bedtime but when the little ones take 2 hours to go to bed, the older ones get much less of my time.
I don’t know the sleeping arrangement of the 4 girls right now but I assume they sleep alone or with each other. I believe shared sleep is very bonding and have done it with all my children for but my youngest, the one who is least attached to me during the day (adopted at 12 months) really still needs that bedtime contact. We’ve been trying to get him back into his own bed but it has never worked.
Your post gave me a though. If the girls come here, I wonder about letting all six younger children sleep in the same room, at least for a while. The oldest is a girl turning 10 in a few weeks and then my two boys (one turning 8 in a few weeks and the other 4 months younger) then the other 3 girls (one two months younger than my youngest boy, then two more who are currently 6 and 5). With their ages would it be strange to mix boys and girls? I’m pretty sure the 10yo is ‘young’ (in size and maturity). Maybe that way they’d give each other comfort and some hanging out time together. I could read to all of them at once but the book selection will be difficult for a while as the girls don’t speak English. That’s a minor point, though. What do you think of mixing boys and girls for a year or so?
I think bedroom composition really has to be figured out case by case! One thing to really pay attention to though is getting dressed/undressed. If you have mixed gender bedrooms I would suggest teaching the children to change clothing in a bathroom. 😉
Yes, bedtime runs pretty smoothly here but it has not always been that way. We have had some co-sleepers over the years, some for several years. Would your in need of snuggling one be content if you snuggle during the read aloud? Or use a larger bed for him so you can lay down with him and then move to your room later in the night?
My snuggly at night time (not during the day! :)) does get snuggles during reading and I lay beside him until he is asleep and then move to my room…but he always comes into my room between midnight and 2. I tried to wean him a bit by just sitting at the foot of his bed while he fell asleep but that takes hours for him to go to sleep them so I am back to laying beside him.
Shannon, check with your adoption agency and their regulations on bedroom assignments. There can be rules about mixed gender children sharing rooms and total number of children allowed in a room. And caseworker’s sometimes have a service plan that includes room assignments. Our kids’ plan originally stated that they wanted all three biological siblings to share one bedroom. After spending some time with the children, we knew that wasn’t in the kids’ and our famiy’s long term best interest. They allowed us to have arrange the bedrooms how we saw fit.
I’ve realized my ‘brilliant’ idea might not be so good. When I told my husband he said ‘yes, so they can all feel like they are still in an orphanage!’ Well, I was envisioning a slumber party atmosphere instead! 🙂 I thought this afternoon we certainly couldn’t present the 6 in a room as the plan bc that doesn’t sound ‘normal’. Our original idea was the 4 girls would be in that same room (currently our master bedroom and plenty large enough). We’ll be in their country for at least 6 weeks before coming home so we’d have plenty of time to see how everyone behaves/interacts, etc. Thanks for the helping to think through things!
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