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Question for Fathers/Husbands
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So, as I mentioned before, my husband and I are newer (2-3yrs) in our walk with the Lord. I personally have been hearing a lot about spiritual leadership for the husband/daddy and I’m wondering what this looks like for each family. I was hoping you could ask your spouse what he feels he does that is spiritual leadership for the family. We’re trying to gather information for how we can pray about this and ideas are always welcome. Or you as the wife/mommy can share what you would want from your spouse to fulfill this role. Blessins, Leslie
Really all my dh does is lead us in family worship after dinner most nights. He reads from the bible, we pray and sing a psalm together. I hope my kids know he is the leader in other ways but he is a quiet guy do I don’t really know of anything else specific.
Nebby
My husband would say that he knows its his responsibility under God to lead our family, in every way really. You could call him the spiritual leader because everything is spiritual, but then it becomes a semantics discussion which doesn’t really matter. He is the leader (whether he intentionally leads us or not, he is leading none the less). As far as specific examples of how that plays out… He leads most importantly through his example, his character. He leads us by praying with us and for each of us. He is alert to the struggles and successes of each family member (yet trusts his wife to communicate to him observations that she makes because he may be at work during most days, etc). He makes a point to develop a loving and trusting relationship with each of us. Ephesians 5 talks about the roles of husbands and wives and would be good to read and discuss together. The husband has a very significant responsibility. He is called to love his wife as Christ loves the church and laid himself down for her. His leadership should follow Jesus’ example. We as wives need to encourage our husbands in this as it is a high calling. Titus 2 is very good for studying the qualities a woman needs to have. Our husbands our imperfect as we are and if we focus on our own responsibility as women, we help our husbands more than telling him what he needs to do. We can be examples as well. ( 1 Peter chapter 3). If your husband is very open to hearing what you need from him biblically, that is good! But some husbands aren’t open to hearing any wisdom from their wives or maybe really struggle with the responsibility God has given him. We have to be gentle and pray for discernment ourselves to know how to respond.
I could probably write more, and I could definitely give you testimony where we struggle and how God is gracious. I’ve made many mistakes and have dealt with the consequences. I did not grow up in a Christian home and my parents were divorced, so we’ve had to learn a lot, but i’m thankful for those who have come alongside and helped me. Hope this helps a little!
The most important aspect of your husband’s spiritual leadership is just that he is growing in his discipleship with the Lord. God will show him how to lead your family as he submits his heart to Him :).
My husband learned a lot from this book:
And this one:
God bless you on your journey with Him!
Hmmm…that’s a tricky one.
The Bible says that a man is the head of his wife, that he should bring his children up in the fear and admonition of the Lord and that he should wash his wife with the Word.
It doesn’t specify all the hows. It doesn’t say they have to lead family devotions or pray before every meal.
My husband isn’t a super demonstrative guy. But he’s amazing. He “leads” by just living his faith. I mean, we go to church as a family and sometimes he’s around for family devotions (but not always…sometimes he’s working.)But those aren’t the things that show me his faith the most or where He really leads us.
Okay, so I will go a little farther with this thought….
For years, I thought that ‘spiritual leadership’ was what my husband DID to lead us spiritually. So, to me, that would be family worship & devos, prayer together, decision making and setting the spiritual course for our family, etc. And I would sit in judgment on him AS a spiritual leader when these things weren’t evident.
But over the years, I have come to believe that spiritual authority is not something that my husband has to demonstrate by actions (necessarily). Nor is it something we, as wives, ‘grant’ to our husbands.
God has made the husband head over the wife and children. It is a God given position that the husband holds regardless of his actions or his passivity. And he doesn’t need the wife’s approval to be the head of the household. He IS the head, because God said so. (Ephesians 5:23)
Now, as head, he has a call to Christlike character. He has a call to his own growth and development with the Lord. And he has protective responsibilities both spiritually and in the natural realm for his family. He is called by God to be like Christ, in self-sacrificing servant-leadership over his family. And that leadership will probably result in spiritual actions (fruit) like prayer, direction, provision, Bible reading, etc. (The requirements of deacons & elders are helpful for getting a picture of what God expects of a mature Christian man. See Titus 1, 1 Peter 5: 1-3; 1 Timothy 3).
And our husband is to treat us as co-heirs with him in Christ’s kingdom. (1 Peter 3:7) That means that in marriage we are one, and the oneness and unity of a marriage should not broken. My husband now admits that he made many poor decisions early in our marriage because he did not wait to see what God was saying to him through his helpmate (me!) . But the final responsibilty before God for the decision making belongs to my husband. And I trust God that He will use those ‘mistakes’ for our benefit and His glory (Romans 8:28).
As wives, we are not called by God to sit in judgment on our husband’s ‘abilities’ as the spiritual head of our homes. We aren’t the ‘fruit inspector’. (See 1 Peter 3; Matthew 7) We are to relax in the knowledge that God is our ultimate provider and protector, and that we can trust Him to lead our husbands into more and more truth. It sounds like that is what He is doing in your family right now!
Before I get called on the carpet, let me just say that I am NOT saying that a man has a right to abuse his wife or children in ANY WAY. Such a man is walking in willful sin, and God has established recourse for the wife in those circumstances. (Matthew 18:15; Matthew 5:27-30).
That’s my take on it – hope it is helpful as you seek God on this.
Thank you so much for your thoughts. Sometimes I get so caught up in the “doing” that I forget it’s about “being” in the Word that’s most important….that is itself “leading” us. You’ve opened my eyes and I appreciate your time in explaining the details. I know these questions can be difficult to answer on a forum so I appreciate it. Bless you.
I think it is important to remember that the men of Bible times didn’t actually have a canonized Bible to read. They had the books of the Law, and if they were fortunate, might have heard one of Paul’s or another disciple’s letters read to them in the early Church. The men then lead their families by example, in prayer, and probably by going to a local gathering of Christ followers, if one was around. If they were Jewish and followed the Law, they taught their children the Law (according to Deut. 6). If they were Gentiles, they had to rely on the teaching of other believers so that they could grow in their knowledge of God and in their faith.
I used to really come down hard on my husband when I thought he wasn’t the “spiritual leader” of our home because he wasn’t making us all sit down in the living room every evening, reading the Bible to us, and playing his guitar while we sang worship songs. Those things are all great, please don’t misunderstand me, but I think that we have to sometimes step back and give our husbands room to breathe and figure out what being a spiritual leader looks like for them. For some men, it may very well be the scenario I described above. For others, it could be living by example, being a godly example to their wives and children of God’s love and grace.
I will say that it is a commandment that we teach our children God’s Word, but this doesn’t necessarily mean it is ONLY the father’s job to do so. I have more time with my children because I am home full time with them, and my husband is not. So when disobedience occurs, it’s me asking them to quote Ephesians 6:1-3, or when complaining is happening, it’s me reminding them to do all things without complaining. I’m the one teaching them to memorize Scripture too. My husband does read a short devotion to us all every morning at the breakfast table and we pray together as a family before he leaves for the day. He hasn’t always done this, however, and it was his idea when he started. He chooses the passage and coordinating story to illustrate it and reads it aloud. I sit and listen.
I’ve actually told him about this thread, and I’m hoping he’ll chime in for all of us, so that we can gain a father’s perspective. Keep your fingers crossed; I’m not going to nag!
Blessings,
Lindsey
I’ll link a post that I think sums up what the father/husband should be at the end of my post. It will go in to the greater biblical points and tie in everything that I believe someone here would share with you. Personally, I don’t like to over-spiritualize my comments. Not that it’s wrong, but sometimes I feel like people just want “real” answers. (I’m a pastor, by the way, so don’t take me the wrong way. I love the spiritual side, too.)
Here goes:
Men, love your wife. I don’t mean just have sex with her and give her verbal expressions of love. Quite frankly, that means nothing to her. Not that she doesn’t appreciate you expressing your affection to her in those ways, but she needs WAY more than that. I’ve been married to LindseyD. for nearly 11 years now. I realize that isn’t very long compared to some, but it’s long enough for me to have learned a few things. Pastor Jimmy Evans (host of MarriageToday and pastor of Trinity Fellowship in Amarillo, TX) says, “The number 1 need of any man is honor. 2nd is a strong need for sex. Sex for women is number 13 on the list…directly following gardening.”
Your wife needs something that is absolutely foreign to most men, and certainly foreign to me. Communication. I know we that’s a new word for you, sir, so let’s practice saying it together. COM-MUN-I-CA-TION. Very well done. Let me just say that I absolutely loath the idea of sitting down and having any kind of a conversation. Seriously. I can’t stand it. It’s like filling my mouth with sand and asking me to chew on it. My wife knows this. Here’s the crazy part. I’m beginning to love spending time with my wife. WHAT?! Yep. She’s my buddy. I love to hang out with my buddy. I just got home after spending a few days on a men’s retreat in the mountains of Red River, NM. Ahhhhh…relaxing right? Absolutely. Only, there was one thing missing. My buddy. I had plenty of friends there, but I missed hanging out with my buddy! I missed my wife and kiddos like crazy! It was bizarre. I’ve been on many trips like this over the years, but this time it was different. Why? Because I’ve spent time getting to know my wife. I had a friend once (in his 50’s and me in my 20’s at the time), and I remember him getting a phone call once. “Hey buddy…I’ve missed you, too!” After he got off the phone I asked if it was his son. He said, “No, that was my wife.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but something was planted deep in me that day. I just discovered it recently. When I spent time with my wife, and we got to know one another by communicating, she became my buddy! We love hanging out now. In fact, she called me at work today at around 2:30 and said, “I need to run to Amarillo (1 hour from us). Do you want to go?” She left the kids with my parents, and we made a quick trip there and back together. It wasn’t because she needed me to drive, or needed help at the grocery store. She wanted to hang out and talk. So we did. We had a fantastic time…at the grocery store. For real.
Get to know your wife. Love her by talking with her. Hang out with her. Discover your buddy you didn’t know you had. You’ll find that there is a new facet or dynamic you didn’t know exists. It’s fascinating. The relationship with your wife is the most important earthly relationship you can or will ever have. You have the rest of your lives to get it right, too. So don’t sweat the tough stuff too much. I believe that if you get this part right, and prove to her that you are her protector, defender, friend and confidant (code for communicator), then you’ll find that your other priorities will sort themselves out.
Link as promised: http://www.separatedmen.com/articles/spiritual_leader.asp
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