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Putting CM into practice- preschool years
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I am struggling, with my life on a whole, but mostly struggling with learning to be a mom/ homeschool mom. I did not have the ‘pleasure’ of being raised by a mother (she left when I was 6) and although my father was ‘present’ he was mostly preoccupied with other things and basically raised us with a FIRM hand and a leather belt. Since this is the only parenting strategy I have ever really known, I have found myself on many occasions being very strict and firm handed with my 4 year old son (nowhere near my fathers method) but still invasive and very ‘my way or high way’ principle.
I want to stop the buck there, but I am finding it very difficult even though I have read and believe I understand Charlotte Mason’s philosophy and methodology, finding a way to put it into practice is greatly evading me. I get the one at a time for habit training and I get the don’t nag principle, but I guess because I am a very hands on learner or visual I need to see for myself how to put these strategies/ methods into practice. I have tried picturing in my mind the outcome that I want and the myriad of strategies to try, but in the heat of the moment when my son (4 years old) and daughter (1 year old ) are screaming at each other or jumping around like maniacs, I want to teach them, but how do I guide them to engaging their will without telling them to first stop. Or how do I ask my son to not provoke his baby sister. Or how do I get them to chose to eat their meals, or how do I get my son who has been potty trained to stop wetting himself. I guess I am a bit confused because all my life I was told how to think and feel and when to think and feel, that now I have to be learning how to think and feel on my own accord that I don’t know how to guide my own children in the habit of engaging their own will. Because as it stands I still don’t know who to engage my own. The fear is that if I don’t get a hold on my situation now, my children will as Charlotte said be forming their own habits – be them bad or good. I need to learn how to have an encouraging demeanour and an inviting tone, so that I don’t always have to tell them to do or sound like I am fighting a battle. I want to set things in motion and take the right kind of pains to secure for myself smooth and easy pains. Right now the pains I am taking are watching me fail at raising my beautiful children.
HELP!!!!
Struggling mother of two
Hi Benita. I can feel your desperation. Do you know what that means? It means that you love your children desperately and that you desperately want to get this right. Your children are so blessed to have you for their mother.
I can sympathize. I was raised in a dysfunctional home where yelling and fighting was just par for the course. I was determined not to carry that behavior into my family as an adult. It was so HARD though! That was all I knew!
However, God is so gracious! I prayed and prayed and prayed some more and He met me right where I was at. He heard my prayers and he changed me drastically and I am so thankful that that He did (and still is!).
My first advice is to pray (as I’m sure you already are). My second is to really think about Charlotte Mason’s principle that children are born persons. When you look at your son or daughter see each of them as a person, not just your child. Think about how you would treat a dear friend at church and then try to treat your children with the same grace, love and respect.
We don’t yell at persons so we shouldn’t yell at our children. We don’t speak harshly to persons so we shouldn’t speak harshly to our children. Now, these are very lofty goals, aren’t they? Easy to say, much harder to put into practice. However, the foundation must begin in our hearts and minds. We must change the way we think and feel about children before we can change the way we behave toward them.
As parents, we are still the authorities in our children’s lives and we do need to assert that authority but our goal is that our children would choose the right for themselves so we want to train them to train their wills. How do we do that? By believing the best of them, by being on their team, by addressing their mistakes as partners in their success, not as the parent who must squash every ounce of disobedience from their little hearts. We must come to them as fellow sinners, recognizing how impossible it is to obey the law 100% of the time.
So, how does this look in practical terms? Say that little Johnny and little Susie are fighting over a toy. How does mom respond? Well, she could yell at them or harshly command them to cut it out. She could take the toy away and harshly tell them that neither of them can play with it since they chose to fight over it.
Or mom could squat down beside the children, get on their level and calmly ask the children to hand her the toy. Then she could express sympathy for the fact that each of her children want to play with the same toy. She could appeal to their sense of kindness and help them to come to an agreement on how to share the toy. She could also explain that their getting along is so much more important than a toy so she is going to take the toy away from both of them until they are ready to share it with one another.
The second way appeals to their own will, to their own sense of right and wrong. The former way just shows that mom is the authority and the children must do as she says.
Does that help?
I also highly recommend Hints on Child Training by Clay Trumball. It’s excellent and probably very inexpensive on kindle if you have one.
I will be praying for you today. This parenting thing is so hard isn’t it?
Hints on Child Training is a good book for all ages of children. For 2 – 5 year-olds, check out Jo Frost’ s Toddler Rules. She has you get down to their level when talking to them and treat them as persons, giving examples of what to say/do and when. She wants you to be a disciplined, responsible, and intentional parent with a good routine/schedule set up to meet their basic needs, and to enjoy them in this short period of early childhood. The SCM Early Years book is good too. Parents are life-long learners. 🙂
You will have to focus on implementing new methods and strategies one at a time until they are a habit for yourself.
I watched Mister Rogers as a kid, but I find him just as important to parenting. Our children need to hear that we are proud of them, and they need us to help them express their feelings appropriately. His voice is a good example of an encouraging, inviting tone. Some episodes are available free on pbskids.org or may air on your local PBS station, but Amazon Prime has many more episodes available to stream. They are good for you and your children to watch together, and it can give you good ideas for other activities to do together. He has written several parenting books.
Take good care of yourself, too. Get the sleep you need. Eat regular, nutritious meals. Exercise and get fresh air and sunshine. These are important for both you and your children.
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