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Pulling my hair out
- This topic has 10 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 5 months ago by
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I’m frustrated that when I leave the room to go and deal with something (usually the 2 year old) by girls (10 and 12) hop on the computer or run outside to jump on the trampoline or hide in the bathroom. I feel I spend so much of my time tracking them down and trying to get them to get their work done. We are supposed to start summer holidays next week and I’ve given them all this week to finish up their work. At the rate my girls are going they are going to be working all summer. Do you sit at the table the whole time your children are working? Am I unreasonable to expect that a 10 and 12 year old should be able to work independently to get their stuff done in a timely manner? We do have a somewhat strict schedule. They are to be up and ready for 7:30. Take the dogs out for a half hour walk. Breakfast. Chores and at 8:30 they should be at the table ready to start their school work. They work until 12 noon. Lunch and then they take the dogs for an hour walk through the woods to a small pond. At about 2pm we do our history, science or literature readings (usually outside when the weather is nice). We try to be outside all afternoon but I find that because they don’t work when they are supposed to it feels they are sort of working on their math etc. all day instead of getting to other subjects. They complain that the little boys are too noisey so for awhile i was taking the 5 and 2 year old out for a few hours in the morning to give the older three quiet time to do their math etc. but they never got it done and usually I came home to a disaster. Right now they are in their rooms “thinking” about their behaviour . Perhaps I should just have them continue school over the summer break as a consequence to their lazy habbits during the school year?
Sounds frustrating! Right now it sounds like your older kids are in the habit of doing whatever they want when you are not directly supervising them. I’ve been there and done that- its no fun!
So, I suggest a summer focusing on habit training might be what you need. It has made a big difference here with my willfull child. Have you seen the free ebook from SCM- Smooth and Easy Days? http://simplycharlottemason.com/store/smooth-easy-days-with-charlotte-mason/
The free book is a quick read and will get you started, and then you can check out the Habits curriculum from SCM, Laying Down the Rails, or the audio presentation, etc. Teaching the habits of obedience, attention, etc and you will be able to know your kids are doing what you said when you leave the room for a few minutes.
In the mean time, I would suggest more supervision while you break the bad habit and replace with the good habit of obedience. It’s hard- maybe the younger child(ren) will need to stay in the room while the older are working but its just for a season. It only takes a month or two of hard effort and the new habits can start to take hold.
Are you sure you’re not at MY house!?! Oh, wait, you said dealing w/ youngers. Um, nope, not here.
I’ve read the e-book mentioned and just picked up the LDTR set. I intend to start working on habits this summer – while continuing w/ schoolwork. I actually had my dc watch the dvd of the workshop. I know, not very exciting but I wanted them to know what’s going to be happening, and why. They are older and need to understand what’s happening.
I just shared so you knew you weren’t alone. {{hugs}}
K
Everyone is different, but I will be honest, by age 6 or 7 my children know not to run off if we’re in the middle of school work. I don’t sit beside the kids all day, it’s just not practical with 8 children and lots of little ones who need me too. If a 10 or 12 year old did those things you listed at my house here is what would happen:
- For hopping on the computer – they lose computer use for at least a week, probably 2. At my house the kids cannot get on the computer because it takes a password. I would put a password lock on your computer right away. (I would also have a password lock on any electronic device they might try to access since they cannot be trusted to do what they are told. Kindles, ipods, etc).
- For going outside to jump on the trampoline – explain the new rule, no trampoline until school work is done. Then if they cannot follow the rule take down the trampoline. Yes, I’m all about major changes when dealing with disobedience. In not very many years you’ll have teens on your hands who right now think it’s okay to run off to do what they want and hide from you. That will get ugly really fast the older they are.
- For hiding from you – add work, remove privilages, require them to go with you everywhere you go at all times like a toddler because that is what they’re acting like, etc. It really depends on the child what an effective consequence would be.
You’re in a hard place. Disobedience at this age is not fun. If you’re asking them to do a reasonable amount of work that is within their ability then at my house they would lose all freedom after lunch until they completed the work they were supposed to have done in the morning. They would be required to sit at the table until it was done.
Ok, let’s get real. At my house they wouldn’t be eating lunch either. I’m careful to only assign what is reasonable to do in the morning, within their abilities, and when first training them to work independently I’ll even assign LESS work than I know they can do to be doubly sure. Then they work through the assignments until complete and don’t eat until it’s done. I have only had to do this with a few of my children and only one really pushed the limits and missed 2 meals in a row. They did that on and off for a month, about once a week. They wanted to know if I was serious and committed to the rule. We run a closed kitchen so if you don’t eat with the family you don’t eat. There is no grabbing a snack whenever you want or making your own meals.
((HUGS)) You know each child best. You may find that what works with one won’t be as effective with the other. But you are right, they are old enough to know how to complete an assignment without you sitting beside them.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Both for the feeling that others are dealing with this and also for the reminder of how I can fix it!! We do have passwords, they find them out and figure out how to get around them (I have a computer wizard in the house and it is not me!). I have ordered the DVD set and am looking forward to watching it when it arrives (hopefully next week). In the meantime mom is on it and new habbits are forming as I write this!!
Yay, glad you are feeling encouraged. For figuring out passwords – make one that is not a word. Mix upper and lower case numbers in the middle, with numbers. There should be a way to totally lock them out so you can’t get anywhere but a password screen (are you using Windows or something else? I’m sure the techy people here can help). I’m not the techy wizard for sure!
I agree with everything Tristan said. It would happen exactly the same way in our home. I believe that in this day and age parents are frequently not specific and strict enough with children. They really really DO want boundaries! They say they don’t but they test and test to see if we’ll stand firm – it’s a form of seeing if we’re serious enough – do we really love them enough to stand firm is what they are really asking by testing. Consistency is key! Let them know you mean business. It’ll be really hard at first but I guarantee you it will get easier!!!
Yes, Tristan hit the nail on the head. There must be consequences for bad behavior and your older children should definitely be able to do work on their own. I must say we get quite creative when it comes to consequences but they must have that. When they get jobs as adults in the real world their boss isn’t going to stand over them all day making sure they do their work….
luck!
Absolutely there must be consequenses, and there are but I must admit I was being a bit soft with the consequences and as time went on they pushed harder and I didn’t respond with harder consequences which I realize was a problem. I read in a different thread about coming along side them but standing firm. Tried it and it worked beautifully. Daughter 12 pleaded and begged and offered cash to go on the computer last night “just for a second to check something” No lecture, no frustration from me this time just “yes, i can see how this sucks for you, not being able to have your computer time tonight. Perhaps you could think about what you’ll do differently next time.” Nothing more, she got it. The 10 year old is special needs and just follows her sister’s example so as long as I get the 12 year old on track the 10 year old will follow (she too gets consequences althouh they mean nothing to her)
When I started to homeschool, I was also simultaneously being the office manager/receptionist for my husband’s A/C company. So I was always being interrupted and kids would scatter every time I was on the phone. So, yes, your kids are totally normal and healthy kids! LOL It is super frustrating too as a mom/teacher though. I made a new rule and one that I expected to be obeyed or there were consequences. First I reminded them every morning that when I got a phone call, then they were to continue what we are doing if possible, if not, then they are expected to work quietly on their own assignments and if they get stuck, then they are to work on chores. Now, they rule in our house is that there is no electronic time until school work is complete, so they would get a consequence for using any before hand and as for going outside, that would only be ok if all chores and school work complete too. Consequences that I give are no electronics for the rest of the day, OR I give an icky chore that nobody likes to do, like washing all the trash cans out. I have even had them run laps. They certainly tried the system and found that it wasn’t worth the disobedience and it stopped. My problem now is that they st and quietly do their work, but they blank out and day dream……. it is always something! LOL
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