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Prayer Request
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I’ve been battling slight depression over this, so I thought it would be a good idea to ask for some prayer support. We have been living with my elderly dad for just over 10 years now. He has Alzheimer’s, and it has been progressing to the point where he shouldn’t be left alone for extended periods of time. That really means that the time is quickly approaching when he will need someone at home with him at all times.
I have been functioning as a single mom for 10 years as my husband lives elsewhere and has entered into other relationships other than our marriage. Neither of us can afford a divorce, but he has not stood in the way of my homeschooling our girls during this time. I have one left to homeschool, and she is currently in 10th grade. I do receive some money due to my husband’s being on disability, but things are very, very tight.
Recently, my only sister underwent breast cancer surgery, and she is facing chemo after the holidays, plus they are doing more tests to see if the cancer has spread. So, I understand her need to simplify things. However, her idea of simplification is to put Dad into assisted living, put my daughter in public school, and for me to move out and get a full time job.
I struggle with all of this, partly because I do not want to make snap decisions on any of this. For one thing, many people keep telling me how they have seen their loved ones go rapidly down hill after being taken out of their homes to be placed in assisted living. I think it would devastate my dad. Even my sister has said he would probably be the worst patient they’ve had.
Also, I am trying to hold onto the notion that God has enabled me to continue homeschooling under our current circumstances, so unless He clearly closes the door, I believe something can be worked out for us to continue. My daughter would lose so many things she cherishes if we had to move and put her in school. She raises chickens, and if we had to move out of our city (I wouldn’t want to put her in school here–the district is horrible!), there aren’t many communities surrounding us that allow chickens. She is an officer in her 4-H club, and it meets during the day because it is geared toward homeschoolers. She also attends a fine arts school once a week (also for homeschoolers) and a homeschool co-op we love. There is a lot she would have to give up.
I believe that God can make a way for us to resolve all of this. I just need to convince myself that He WILL make a way, so that is why I am asking for prayer. I just can’t shake this desire to stay home and pull the covers over my head. I wish I could convince my sister to let me handle things with Dad for awhile, but she is 6 years older than me, and she still seems to think of me as her “baby sister,” so it is hard to convince her that I can handle anything. She really does not know much about how homeschooling works, and she thinks my daughter is actually missing out on a lot by not being in a brick-and-mortar school.
If you can lift us all up in prayer, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks,
Sue
I will be praying!
A few thoughts, not sure they are helpful:
1. Your daughter is old enough to be home without you and follow an assignment sheet for independent subjects, so homeschooling can continue even if you have to be gone part of the daytime. Or she could be at the library even, to do her school work. Then maybe just have 1-2 subjects together when you are home (math and something else).
2. An assisted living center can be a good or bad option, but it would require money to pay for, so how would that happen? Is your sister planning on paying for it? Because if you move out and get a job it means you’ll have to pay for a place to live and all the living expenses that are less when you are sharing a home. You won’t likely have the money to pay for an assisted living center.
3. Your daughter would also most likely handle a transition to public school or an online charter school fine (she’s so close to done! I would not want to switch, but if I had to I would wait until the beginning of 11th grade.). Would it be ideal? No. But she’s had a solid preparation time with you.
It sounds like a very stressful situation for all of you! I don’t know what direction is right for your family but God does and I’ll be praying that He makes it obvious if and when changes need to happen.
Sue that sounds like a lot going on! I’ll be praying foryou as well. I know my parents would rather I put my DC in public school because it’s easier on me (in their opinion). They have a very different perspective of education than I do and don’t understand my reasons for homeschooling. I try to keep that in mind as I talk with them. At this point, I have no idea howlong we’ll be homeschooling, but I’m trying to be open to God’s plan for us, whatever that is. I don’t feel a huge call to put them in school at this point, but my youngest is only 2, so we have a long way to go.
Your sister has no say on how you school your DD. However, she does have a say on your father’s care, so you will have to reach an agreement there. My grandma was just placed in a home for Alzheimer’s, and I know that’s a difficult situation to get through as well. 🙁
I also wanted to add that it doesn’t sound like your DD is missing out on anything with all those activities!
I also know someone who homeschooled her HS age children and worked full time. If money is really tight perhaps you could keep home schooling and work at least part time.
Putting your Dad in assisted living would be expensive and I hope to never have to put my parents there. Have you looked into some part time home nursing services. I know there are some here in Iowa. Could you and your daughter and a part time nurse make it so your sister doesn’t have to do any care for your dad?
You should consider the idea of looking into home health services – many insurances will pay for these because it is cheaper and safer to keep patients home as long as possible. The services usually have everything from respite care (someone to sit with your dad while you get a break from the worry for a few hours – or run errands, grocery shop, etc.) to full care – meals, baths, cleaning, etc. It is a viable alternative to the nursing home since he is in a stable environment with you.
I am sorry about your sister, what a tangled web of emotions you must be facing there. I am sorry about that coming on top of your emotions about your dad, too.
I wish I could give you a big hug. =) I will pray for you.
Sue-I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with such weighty issues. I will be keeping you, your daughter, your father and your sister in my prayers. I will pray that God will give you both wisdom to make the best decision for all parties involved. I will pray that the Lord’s will be done and that all of you will be at peace with the outcome.
Agreeing with others that it is possible for you to continue homeschooling even while working. Also, Sheraz makes a great point about getting outside help right there in your home. I’ve known several people who have applied for and received help without having to pay for the services provided.
(((Hugs)))
Thank you all for your prayers. I’m starting to feel a little better about this. My sister is out on the west coast visiting her children and grandchildren for a couple of weeks, and she will be jumping right into more tests and chemo when she gets back. My pastor’s wife suggested that I simply tell her, “You have a lot to go through and you need to focus on yourself right now. Let me take care of Dad and look into what he needs for now.” She suggested that would help me to feel less like the rug is being pulled out from under me, and she tells me she has seen many people “go downhill” when they are moved from their homes to assisted living or nursing homes. I know my dad would not like it.
Also, yesterday Dad turned 90 years old. 90. Years. Old. My daughters covered his bedroom door with Christmas wrapping paper and taped on circles they cut out to look like Christmas ornaments. They spelled out the words “90 years young.” While we were washing off the door to prep for the decorations, I noticed something on the back of his door. He had kept parts of the Happy Birthday Grandpa signs they put up when he turned 88, and he put the one that said “Happy” and the one that said “Grandpa” on the back of his door. He wrote the date and his age under them and updated it a year later. This year, he wrote on the “Happy Grandpa” signs, “I am about to turn 90, and I am still VERY HAPPY.”
That lifted my spirits a lot (actually, pretty near made me cry!), and I thought about how he is still able to dress himself, wash up (if you remind him), and he doesn’t yet need anything drastic like adult diapers. I would say that he still has some time left that he could live at home, as long as he has a little supervision and help.
Plus, I have been thinking back to when we first moved in here with him (10 years ago), and I was wondering if I could continue to homeschool and just work part time. I left that in God’s hands, and He has provided all along. I am convinced that whatever our circumstances, if He wants me to homeschool my last one through high school, He will make that happen, and I don’t need to sweat it. Just have to keep reminding myself of that!
Some of you have mentioned the cost of assisted living and in-home services. I am going to look into that. He does have good medical insurance through a major insurer as a retirement benefit from his lifelong career with the U.S. Postal Service. Since they were a bonafide government agency when he started with them, his insurance coverage is very good, plus he is enrolled in Medicare. I know that neither of those will cover everything, but there should be some assistance. Of course, they will expect him to spend literally all of his assets (savings, his house) before they will cover a lot of it, but I’m looking into what might be available. Also, he is an honorably discharged veteran, but I’ve also been told it takes a couple of years to go through the application process with the Veterans Administration…..which I hope is due to their pushing through services for younger, disabled veterans with families who have a greater need.
I also have a good Christian friend who works part time as an Uber driver, and she said she might be available a few hours each week if we wanted to hire her to keep an eye on Dad when we are all out of the house. She’s a very patient, caring individual, so that might work for now since he doesn’t really need specific types of care, just mainly supervision to see that he doesn’t fall or leave a faucet turned on or something like that.
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