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Please pray, my dh has different thoughts about high school for our dc
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Every once in awhile my dh drops the bomb and says how he’d like to see our kids (especially our oldest) experience ps or prv. school. He’d like to see him/them experience classroom kids/friends/kids their own age/sports/and just the plain old “school” experience. He’s not worried about them academically at home, but socially. He’s worried that our oldest will not have a circle of friends or friends to have at his parties/wedding or whatever. He wants to “see” what kind of grades they would actually get and not just have me say what I think but how they really stack up against other kids, etc. He’s worried about the loneliness that our oldest experiences sometimes and what seems like the lack of friends he does have (he has about 4 kids that he calls friends, but their not all in the same circle). He feels his kids (esp. our oldest) are going to resent us for not allowing them to exp. ps or something like that. Anyway, he brought this up last night about ps/pr. school and wants me to start looking into it. Of course I went online and read about transitioning and found alot of articles I’ve read before (lots of pros/cons of hsing in the first place, etc) thinking that I’d better get prepared.
I think one thing that worries me (among others) is that if my dc ever were to go to ps/pr.s I have not prepared them enough in certain areas. I know, that’s pride on my part, but I don’t want to be one of those hs stats that say how behind hsers are in their writing skills and science (which are almost always mentioned as where some hs families are weak). We do need to work on those areas and I have plans for the coming years, but I can’t do that if they’re not with me.
Whenever this gets brought up I always feel so out of sorts. I don’t feel like I can plan or anything. It’s very depressing to me for people (like my dh) to not be able to see all of the wonderful things our kids are able to take part in outside the home and what they have offered inside. Sending them to ps will take much more away than what they will receive by going there. Plus, my ds may find it just as hard to make friends (true friends) in a ps setting all the while missing out on the activities he enjoys in our community. All in the name of reaching for something that may not be there anyway…know what I’m saying?? I think it would create more of a dependency on other kids (my ds already went through that in our hs group) for self-worth than he already has. He has worked really hard to understand that he is worthy because of Christ, not because of if some kids want to hang with him or not. I feel like my dh wants to take him back to that place, as if not having exp. that “circle of friends” is the ultimate goal and without it you have missed out. That saddens me so much and cheapens what my ds has accomplished. It elevates the artificial experience (and memories, I suppose) over what’s really important (to me, anyway).
As my head was reeling, I did ask him about putting our ds in the community college or other classes so he can be in a “classroom” setting and get the feel for campus life. He liked that idea and seemed open to explore it further.
This is one of those areas that we can not have both ways. Either they go to school or their home schooled. And with either decision there are lifestyle changes that can not be ignored, and he gets that, to a degree. I tried to explain that making that kind of decision is not just cut and dry, it’s completely life changing (he looked at me like I was crazy and actually said, “You act like I said I was leaving you.”) Well, to me, it’s a blow to something that I thought we were on the same page about. Awhile back I might have told people that I thought of homeschooling one year at a time, but now I guess I see it for the long haul and am not really wanting to give my dc up. I always thought I’d be okay with highschool (private, maybe) but to see my ds nearing that age/grade I can’t really see him there. On one hand, I see him as being so much further ahead mentally, on the other hand, I see him getting caught up in things (misguided) by wanting to fit in. He even admits that he wasted a good portion of last year trying to fit in with some kids from our hs group. He recognized that they weren’t really his friends and that he needs to focus on his own goals. He has felt good about himself for putting himself before just hanging out. Hope that doesn’t sound arrogant, it’s not meant to be. He just spent alot of time on people who really have their own circle and he’s not really in it.
I don’t even know if any of this makes sense and I don’t know what I’m even asking for. Just pray for me and my family. I will do as my dh asks and let him decide but it will not be easy. We certainly can’t afford pr. school and I really do not want my dc to go to our ps high school. I know some families within our group that have transitioned to ps/pr.school and I have asked them about their exp. and that has been helpful, but then again, we all have our own personal goals.
If you have made it through this depressing rant, I commend you. If you have words of wisdom or encouragement, I could use some.
Well I can see the problem here and we have lived it. My daughters have almost finished high school, and partly due to military living/moving and partly because I have very shy daughters – there have been issues with making friends and that has been a constant worry for me. They were in public school though until the middle of 5th grade when we removed them….and they did not make friends their easily either, because they were always different – they were interested in nature and animals and not the latest gadgets and games, so they were always sidelined in school. They did much better academically at home and they were able to pursue their interests without being made to feel bad at school. I still worried however, and until recently I had no idea whether we had helped or harmed them. Just recently they both told me that though they lack the peer friends they would have met at school, they said they don’t regret it because having met some of the young adults their age, they realize they have totally different interests and have a level of maturity that these young adults in our neighborhood don’t have. They are interested in things that the others are not, they are not interested in young men at this stage and they have no desire to hang out at the mall – they would rather be pursuing their hobbies. They have acquaintances at the riding barn and around and about, but not a close friend – but they say that will come when they branch out into adult life…So I think they will be OK, and I am just grateful, that they did not have to put up with the nastier side of high school – our local school has had a drug issue, assault issues and various other unpleasant things and we live in a neighborhood and town which is considered the best in our area for schools. So I would pray that your hubby sees the other side of high school as well, not just the positive things, there are a lot of negatives. I think some community college might be good..anyway don’t suppose this helps but I will pray for your situation.
Thank you and it does help alot. My dh has such positive comments to say about our dc and what I try to do for them. He’s really on our side and normally states his relief that we hs along with standing up for it with those that question him. He has a relative whose kids attend ps and when they speak of how they feel ps will better prepare them for adulthood, he usually tells them they’re crazy and obviously we have a different idea of how to get there. He went to ps and knows the pitfalls, but feels that our kids have a better chance with having us as their parents and not the parents we had.
I think he’s just wanting to see the other side, for real, to be able to make sure that we have chosen the best. I think he’s in a constant state of wondering “what if”. There’s really no other way to know for sure unless we go all the way. Same with home schooling. We actually had to bite the bullet before we knew what it was really going to be like. And that has evolved over the years so much that I’d hate to have our first 1-2 years be the measuring stick.
Thanks for your understanding and prayers. I’m glad that your dds have come to the conclusion that they have….they’re right, btw.
As an identical twin, I have had to be constanstly stacked up against another a lot of my life. My twin and I are very similar yet we have striking differences as well. We love the verse 2 Corinthian 10:13. The main part of that verse is…they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.
I went to an Andrew Kern/Andrew Pudewa seminar a few months ago and was pleasantly surprised to hear a talk using the verse above about assessing children not by how children measure up to other children as they do in public schools but by measuring a child against himself and his own progress. I have a similar talk on mp3 that I can link up to later when I find it. When I was in school, I learned that to be ahead of another person was enough. I wasn’t concerned with the crazy thought that I ought to push through my personal discomforts and do MY best.
Janell
Having not had other experiences except the oddball “homeschooling” people on the news (scary!), most people do not understand how much kids really do not have to have constant interaction with other kids since it is the social norm. Does your husband give specific reasons he feels your son needs these experiences? (My BIL is adamant that his kids be in PS for the PROM of all things.) Are there things like that that are his hang up? Are there options avaibable for off-setting his concerns? One other thing, was this brought on by pressure from someone at work making comments?
I don’t think the person not doing the teaching truly understands how much work this is to plan, to build on our foundations, to make the lifestyle changes needed to be serious about our goals, how much of ourselves we have invested in our homeschooling. It tends to be extremely personal to us on many levels.
One thing I find when “hit” with these types of things, that I get flustered, upset, and defensive…and then I cannot articulate clearly what I want and need to say. Often writing things out without interruption is theraputic for me. After I re-read it I can fine-tune my feelings and concerns. Sometimes I have the “opposing” person read that paper when we have some neutral time, simply because they can “see” what I have trouble expressing clearly orally. After they read it, we can have a much more productive conversation because we are more equal in expressing our feelings, concerns, and beliefs. Maybe if you can share what you wrote above it might help…although you may be more eloquent under pressure than I am! =)
Keep your chin up and keep praying…it is so hard to have these things happen. We will be praying as well for peace and resolution for you both.
Thanks Janell. It might be helpful to him to hear something, as long as I present it just at the right moment. I don’t want to argue with him or be on separate sides of the fence…and I don’t want him to see just my side, which is what it would seem like. I do want him to come to his own conclusion, but I’d also like to not revisit this conversation. (That may not be wise of me as I know that we have to reevaluate from time to time.) I don’t like to feel unsettled, there, I’ve said it. I suppose that’s not really good either as the Lord can see fit to “unsettle” my life whenever He chooses, I get that.
Thanks ladies..you never disappoint with your well thought out, relative replies, especially when the Lord and His wisdom is added.
No, it wasn’t repeated questions/advice…it’s all necessary for me to read and have something to ponder.
Honestly, I don’t really know the exact “thing” that my dh wants, I’m not sure he does either. Okay, maybe I do. I think he wants to see our son with friends at the house, him invited to their home (which he is on a occasion anyway), the walking from class to class, the classroom itself, grades, the “hoopla” of school. Something about the actual “going” to school, not stuck at home (which we’re not, but for some reason he isn’t seeing that right now). Maybe the being liked by a girl (which he already is), maybe to see what kind of kid he would be in that environment, not ours, where it’s just a completely different environment. Something you can’t get being at home….does that make sense??
Argghhh….I’m even having a difficult time expressing what I think he’s thinking, even though I do understand what he’s saying. I don’t agree with it, but I do understand. I think he thinks our ds is lonely….bottom line. Lonely for peer interaction, regularly, not just at co-op, classes, etc. I think that’s it. Even if my son says he’s not, like he’s okay right now, my dh sees something different, something sad. He wants to see him come home from school with stories to tell, smile on his face from being with kids all day….hmmmm, I’m making my dh sound so superficial, he’s not. And, no, I don’t know what has spurred this. He is not easily swayed (very strong personality) by anybody, even me. The Lord, and only Him, can make my dh see something that he needs to see. Coworkers, family, friends do not influence him, he’s usually the influencer (is that a word?).
And, yes, this is pretty personal to me. I count this as a full-time job and I feel like I put my all into it (could do better, but that’s another thread) so to have him question it is pretty hard to take. But, these are his dc as well and has the right to voice his concerns.
Thanks so much ladies. I really feel you know where I’m coming from but are not bashing my dh or just saying what you think I want to hear. I’d rather be challenged in my thinking than just have people blindly see it my way.
I don’t have time to read everyone else’s posts but wanted you to know our kids don’t have more than about 3 people they would call frieds. My dh and I went to public/private school all our life and let me tell you I didn’t know what a “friend” was till I was out of school. I might mention not one of my so called friends are even a part of my life now. My friends I have now are nothing like those from hs. Don’t be scared. I am not, I tell my children friends are good and it’s nice but it is only nice and only works if God is in the mix. Now yes there are God loving people in the schools but I can know for certain that the ones (friends that is) that I bring my childrn around right now are all God loving people so for me that’s half the battle with helping our children pick good friends.
Anyway.. I wanted to encourage you to keep praying, talking and listening (which is so hard for me). I will lift up a prayer for you and your family and know you are being held by one who loves you more than you love yourself. misty
Thank you, Misty, I appreciate your kind words. I experienced the same thing in high school, no one that I hung with are even remotely close to being in my life. And, it’s not because there all in jail or anything, but because people move on, as they should. I would not want to be in a high-school mind set for love or money, yuck!
My kids do have so much going on from hs group outings, music, sports (although not organized sports, which my dh would love to see them involved in…that might satisfy him, don’t know), but I think with him gone all day, he just doesn’t see it.
Thanks so much.
Is there some sort of community sport group that is not sponsered by the ps that you can join? During the summer there are things like that available here. =) Actually, soccer is a big one here. It is not through the schools that I know of, and they are always busy with practice and games.
Yes, there are city sports that they can join, that up until now, my dc weren’t interested in. It’s hard when you offer, and offer, and offer and they’re just not interested. My two younger boys have always had a different experience…they are more outgoing (in some ways) and have “grown up” so to speak with our hs group, hsing in general, and it seems *my* friends always have kids their age. It does seem easier to find fun/free things for the younger ones to get involved in and then there’s a ton of young ones around. Even the hs groups seem to lose the older ones to ps/pr. school or otherwise.
My dh seems to think (maybe we portray it this way) that our kids are home all day…couldn’t be further from the truth. And, we have more we could be involved in, but then the “book work” suffers. And, there is only so much $$$, time, and energy. Plus, I could sign my ds up for everything imaginable and because of his personality still may not make the “circle of friends” he’s imagining.
I appreciate this forum so much…words can not express what it means to me.
It sounds like you’ve already got a lot going on. Maybe your dh feels a little isolated himself? Could he feel that he is missing out on a more active social calendar and projecting that on your ds? After all, if he’s at work all day missing out on your outings and activities, then home all evening with not much going on, he might be feel he’s missing out on something himself. Do the two of you get out much on your own? Is he hitting a mid-life phase where he’s remembering his younger years better than they were?
How do you think your son would repond to PS for high school? How many years away is it? Has your dh mentioned it to him?
I guess until you really sit down and talk with your dh most of your (and our) ideas on the topic are mere speculation. I’ll pray for your situation.
I don’t have much to add. I do understand how you feel. The couple times my husband casually mentioned that ps could even possibly be an option in high school so our kids could learn to relate to unbelievers I was in tears that we weren’t on the same page, etc. But he’s very supportive of homeschooling and isn’t strongly pushing this….they spend plenty of time w/neighbors, there’s always community college classes, and there’s so much more to the picture.
My eldest was extremely shy when young, and is now a social butterfly. My youngest is very shy around adults. People might say this is because of homeschooling…but I went to ps and was extremely shy around everybody….nothing to do w/schooling choices. If I could pick a husband for my daughter today it would be the eldest son of a hs family I know w/7 kids, mostly boys. They don’t do co-ops or organized sports and rarely get out due to logistics, except for church and the weekly karate class they lead. He’s 13 or 14 and is in charge of the family kitchen and helps lead karate classes (where you’ll often seeing him caring for the toddler of gently correcting or encouraging a younger sibling). When a sibling had a febrile seizure while he was babysitting the police said he had more composure than adults they deal with. All that to say, I don’t think you have to have tons of friends to become a person of quality in regards to what’s most important in life.
I would pray for ONE good friend. For us, this has proven more valuable than tons of hours spent in group situations w/people they don’t know as well. Praying for you! Blessings, Gina
Hi! I really feel for you and your family going through this. It would be a pretty hard thing for me to go through, too. It is very personal for us as was already mentioned. I will say a prayer for you. It seems to me like you have a perfect heart toward your husband in honoring and loving him. I think that is so important. A very special, wise lady once told me something that really stuck with me. I was worried about the movies that my husband thought was ok for our kids to watch. I was worried that they would have bad dreams or that it would affect them in a bad way. She encouraged me to trust my husband. She said it would harm my children more for them to constantly see their mom not honoring their dad in the everyday small choices, than it would for them to see the movies that I was worried about. Please understand, I knew that my husband is a Christian and desires to honor God with his life. I don’t know what advice I would give to someone who wasn’t married to a God-fearing man, but that was not the case for me, and I knew what she meant. I guess I do think it is a pretty big deal to trust our husbands. For some reason, your husband has a feeling about your son that something is not quite what it should be. My gut feeling is to tell you to just totally trust your husband. Trust that he is sensing something that you are not able to see from your perspective maybe?? Even if he is wrong about this…if you come across to your husband that you are totally behind him in your support, you allow room for him to change his mind in the future without being afraid that you will say, “I told you so.” And then you pray like crazy for your son and for your husband and for yourself. Maybe look at it as removing yourself from the situation and letting this be something between your husband and your son and God. I think sometimes we as women struggle with wanting to control things and we forget that God is big enough to work in situations without us. I am speaking about myself here. I realize that these words may not seem right to some people. I’m not sure if I’ve been on this forum long enough to speak so boldly. I only pray that this is taken as encouragement and not criticism, because I sense an honoring spirit in you. I have already told my dh, “It really stinks sometimes to be a wife and to do what I feel the Bible says to do.” 🙂 It is one of the hardest jobs in the world, imo, to not be able to act on what I think is best, but to wait on my husband, and do it his way. And to do it cheerfully with contentment–that is one of those everyday miracles for me!! But ladies, as I have practiced this in my life, God has really blessed it for me and my situation. The more I trust my husband, the more of a leader he becomes. It has been very exciting to watch.
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