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Please pray…..
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Hi Ladies (and gent.),
I know this may seem like a frivolous request, but it comes from a broken heart.
My oldest son (12) is having a very difficult time making/keeping/hanging-out-with friends. He is not a trouble maker, back-talker or a mean-spirited boy. He’s hard-working, academically and physically. But, he seems to have trouble approaching kids he doesn’t know and even if he does know them, it doesn’t translate over to any social time together. He is a part of a very large homeschool group, but the some of families are scattered throughout our area (30-45 min. in distance) and we find it more difficult to socialize with the families of older kids. Young families seem ready to hit the park, so for my younger boys it’s not problem, but the older kids 12-15ish are just not wanting to do that, kwim??
I do not believe involving him in more activities is going to solve the problem for him, so of course I know it’s partly his personalitiy. He is heavy into Karate, some other sports, any church related activity, co-op classes/field trips, etc. so I can’t really say that it is his lack of community involvement, etc. Sometimes I do think (and this may seem weird) that I am having a hard time “making friends” with the parents of the boys that are more his age/maturity level, but find it much easier to socialize with families with younger kids. {Big Sigh}
The last few days have been heart breaking around here with his admittance of feeling lonely. I know he “knows” lots of kids, but hasn’t found one that would be able to come over, go for a walk together, etc. more than once. And, those that have have either moved away or are going back to ps. He does have a large extended family, but there is tension there that makes that difficult.
I am not quite sure what I am asking for…prayer, for sure, then maybe some practical advice. Right at this moment my eyes are full of tears for my boy, my heart aches for him and for reliving my own childhood memories. It never occured to me, homeschooling or not, that my kids would/could feel lonely. Loneliness is a friend of depression (which runs in our family) and I just never thought that with all that we do that he could still feel that way. He sees his cousins (all about the same age) have friends over/be invited over to their friends’ homes, etc. and wonders “why” he hasn’t been able to make friends like that, save those that have moved away. I know that I don’t want my son peer dependent (and we’ve discussed this), but to see him this way, friendless, is difficult for us.
I’m not saying that I want him to “just hang-out” with kids all the time or give up any of his goals, but just to have friends that he can call up and invite to the park to play ball. Kids that can come over for the day, have pizza, watch a movie, not just see on field trips and co-op classes.
Is all of this unreasonable?? Am I just overprotective?? Asking for something that I’ll regret??
I’m a little emotional right now…so this may seem a little over the top:)
I covet your prayers and comments.
I will definitely keep your son in prayer about this. My 11yo ds has mild autism, and this has manifested some behaviors that make him, shall we say, a bit less appealing to other boys near his age. (Angry outbursts if he has trouble playing a game well, occasionally talking in “babyish” tones, lack of ability to play casual sports like kids his age.) He is usually very patient with boys a couple of years younger than him and gets along well with them, but he still sometimes lets it be known he longs for friends closer in age. His problems, however, stem from his disability, so this is different from your situation. We have found that keeping him busy with the pursuits that interest him the most at home take his mind off the loneliness–at least somewhat.
I have a close homeschooling friend whose 16-year old son has had trouble finding friends, too. He is a wonderful boy (in fact, he was so kind to my 11yo ds recently at a weekend camp we attended, and I was so blessed), but he simply did not have any close friends until about age 14. The mom told me that she and her son shed tears over this more than once. I will ask her if she has any advice and how their family handled this situation. I do know that her son has known his calling to be a pastor for a few years now, so his father (a youth pastor himself) has been mentoring his son, making it a point to meet for study time and private conversations on a regular basis. Perhaps that has helped him make a male bond that eases his loneliness a bit. I’ll post again later with any advice my friend might have to offer.
Sue
Thank you. Heartfelt, thank you. Yes, shedding tears is common around here as well. Even my very manly hubby sat with him the other night and shed tears with him. He is supportive of this endeavor/challenge, but at the same time, doesn’t really know how he feels or how to help since he is the type that doesn’t find it challenging to strike up conversations with anyone. He’s not intimidated by anyone, so to have his son shy away from social situations made available to him, is difficult.
What’s funny is that my son loves to be around other kids and wants to do our activities and does them. He’s usually “hanging out” with kids his age at “whatever” but cannot transfer that over to any other area (home, park, pizza nights). And when he has, it just doesn’t last. As an adult, I can handle meeting someone for the sake of meeting them, then move on, but it has become something that he’s recognizing and not enjoying anymore.
On a side note: he has some standards…he’s not crazy about heavy metal music, baggie pants, etc. that he knows some kids are interested in, so although he may have opportunities, if it doesn’t feel right, he doesn’t care for it. I know that is a good trait (although we try not to prejudge) and I’d hate to see him cave for the sake of “hanging out” (which is something I would’ve done), it is still difficult. As an example: He has opportunities with a boy we know (I trust the family ‘n all), but he chooses not to since he doesn’t “get” him anymore. I can respect that, but then that leaves us back where we started. He wants to branch out, but at times, given the opp. he chooses not to.
Hope this makes sense, I’m a little emotionally exhausted.
Hi, glad to say the power is back for Easter. I am so sorry you are having these difficulties – I can relate, my daughters who are now young adults, had virtually no close friends when they were younger. We moved a lot with the military and they are very quiet, reserved girls like their father. However, they said to me recently that they are now very glad they did not give up their values just to have friends and that from what they see around them a lot of kids are not real friends, more acquaintences or groups and they never really desired that. They would have liked a close friend, but it just never happened. They did not want to hang out at the mall, they were not into make up or fashion, they were just interested in their hobbies, animals and horses. Now they almost done with school they are making friends in their areas of interest – my daughter who is the equestrian, is making friends of all ages at the barm where she rides and loves it. My other daughter has friends their too, and has also made friends through her own activities including photography classes. So even though I don’t have an answer for you – I can tell you that my daughters are doing fine, and now do not regret the sometimes lonely eariler years. They said that if it had meant sacrificing their values, it would never have been worth it. One other thing is that he may be a little afraid of making the right moves, there are people who desperately want friends but avoid the initial contacts and taking it further steps because they are afraid of being rejected, embarrased or feel they are not good enough. A friend of mine has struggled with this his whole life, it is known as an avoidant personality – I am sure your son does not have this, but it may be worth trying to ask if he is afraid of being humiliated or saying the wrong thing – because then you can encourage him. I will keep you in my prayers, I used to worry about my girls, but now I see that it is working out as it was meant to. Linda
Thank you Linda.
I have explained to him, ever so gently and discreetly, that I gave us waaayyy too much of myself (values and goals) to “hang out” with people. I’m not really willing to let it go that far. I guess that’s why it’s so hard. As an adult, you have hindsight on your side, he has this I-just-want-a-friend-to-hang-out-with on the fly, or are comfortable enough calling to go to the park, etc. It doesn’t seem to be that difficult, but it is.
Like your daughters, he isn’t interested in the mall (not that we’d let him just hang out in our local malls anyway), crazy concerts or just walking the streets. But, he’d like to “hang out” with some kids around his age and not his brothers all the time. He’s a sweet kid, complimented all the time for his behavior/attitude/hard work, so it’s hard to see his sad eyes. He was my happiest, laughing all the time baby……those were the easy days:)
I appreciate your responses so much…..for right now I don’t have anyone close to talk to myself:)
That is why this group is so nice, we can talk and share worries and concerns as well as homeschool issues. I bless Sonya and her team daily for allowing us to do that. One thing I have noticed in the last couple of years is how far we are straying as countries fromreal family values. The things the doctors ask my daughter at her appointments shock me and her and it always starts with them asking if she is sexually active, and when she says no – they ask if she is gay, or if perhaps mum should leave the room so she can tell the truth to them! When she tells them she is waiting for marriage, they look at her and me as if we are from another planet. I find it horribly disturbing that even professionals think our lifestyle is wierd and abnormal. It used to be abnormal and frowned upon to be the other way. Only one doctor told her he was pleased she was making wise choices, and he said most of the teens he sees are into really destructive behavior – so keeping our family values high and teaching our children good morals is even more vital these days I think. That is another reason why I am in some ways glad that the girls did not have to be influenced by other girls who may be in PS or who had different values – I would have hated them to adapt just to fit in. I think when the time is right your son will find the friend he needs, and in the meantime, encourage him, and be there for him and keep the lines of communication always open so he knows he has you to turn to and does not become depressed. From personal experience I can tell you that there is much joy in parenting but there are always times your heart bleeds for your child, whether through illness or through something like you are experiencing – that is when I thank God for His love, strength and grace. Linda
Thanks to you all for “listening” to our struggles and giving spiritual/practical advice…and just knowing that you are praying for this season in our lives.
I’ve been talking to my son (as well as his dad) and trying to keep the communication open. Not trying to make a big deal out of his situation (as if he’s “weird/strange” or something), but validating his need and I hope it helps and we keep it up.
I believe he understands, as much as a 12 yo can, that God can provide friends and opportunities to be friendly toward someone else. I have explained that it may just take some time, but waiting on the Lord, as hard as that can be, is the best thing for us. I know how hard it is to wait, so I can relate. I think he understands that sacrificing oneself is not an option either. So we’ll see.
It seems that this struggle has happened overnight…he was just a little boy, content to be with just Mom and Dad, and if anything, was lonely for us. And, he’s kind of an “old” 12 (he’s like 40 or something) so some of the activities that our homeschool group puts on for the Jr High/High School he won’t be able to participate in until the Fall. He’d fit in right now with some of his hs friends, but that’s just not an option right now.
Family’s home so I’d better go.
I wish we could live closer, because I am feeling some of the same things as you with my newly turned 12 year old son. We have friends, but not really close ones. Your son is so blessed to have you and your hubby praying and encouraging him! I will pray for him too.
I don’t really have advice, except to just keep praying as God will provide the right companions in due time. I always try to make family our “first friends”, and others come second. Friendships naturally change over time, but family should remain (ideally) best friends now and in later years. That is just my opinion though. 🙂
Blessings to you and Happy Easter!
@Simple home,
Thanks for the encouragement. And, yes, it would be nice to live at least in the same state with you all, but….some of us don’t even live in the same country:)
I do wish that my boys were closer “friends” but he and our second oldest just don’t seem to get along (my 2nd oldest and youngest play all day long), but I’m working on that. He does have one cousin that he has become very close to, but he’ll be returning to ps in the fall, but they still enjoy hanging out. My son does count him as a friend, but would like friends that aren’t “family”, too, iykwim.
I thank you for your prayers for a good companion (I like that word) for my son, that lives close by.
Gotta go. Happy Easter, to you, too.
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