60-day returns • free shipping on USA orders $129+
Personal space vs. shared space
- This topic has 11 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 14 years, 4 months ago by
.
Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
- Posts
A problem surfaced today, and I feel so spent and as though my authority is on shaky ground. My 11yo ds w/ autism sees a behavioral psychologist, and 12yo dd & 10yo dd also meet with her to better cope with their brother’s issues. Yesterday, they met with her and the issue of knocking on bedroom doors when closed plus respecting others’ property came up. Basically, they are tired of their brother simply taking their things into his room….and often he then takes them apart. So, today, we have been trying to work on that.
What happened is that my son asked for a screwdriver, and I wouldn’t give him one until he showed me what he wanted to use it for. This escalated into a meltdown for him (and I got pretty angry as time went on), during which he began to argue that I couldn’t come into his room if he wasn’t in there. He also took issue with the fact that I have a number of things (mostly boxes of rarely/occasionally used items) in his closet. Because he takes other people’s things and hides them in his room, he has not really been allowed to use the closet. Also, his room was mine when we first moved in, and I simply don’t have another place to store the things in the closet. He really doesn’t have any clothing that needs to be hung in the closet, either.
His very loud, very angry argument was that it’s his room, so the closet cannot be used by anyone but him. Now, I know that it is not at all uncommon for parents to use part of the closets in their children’s rooms for family storage if they need to. Plus, I don’t barge into their rooms without a good reason (need to gather laundry and they aren’t able to do it at the moment), but I think his case even goes beyond that. I’m trying to tell him that he has use of the room but I still have authority over him and his room. I would like to be able to allow him a great deal of privacy regarding his room, but we have found too many extra batteries, small electronic devices, tools, hardware, etc. shoved under his bed or in his pockets that I really can’t trust him in this area.
I’m so upset, mostly because I can’t get him to understand that if I can’t trust him not to take other people’s property, I can’t allow him full privacy of his room. I also can’t get him to see that a closet is a closet, and sometimes families have to share spaces, like it or not.
Thank you for letting me vent. I think I’ll go find a tissue before I do something irrational like march him up to the public school…..
Sue
Question: Is the psychologist a Christian? Regardless, is she taking on the more (hesitantly said) “liberal” idea of the child having rights as much as the parents? I am thinking along the lines of the United Nations’ “Conventions on the Rights of a Child.” (See here: ParentalRights.org) His argument (and the fact that he was that angry) makes me wonder about the psychologist’s ideas she is implanting in his head…
I have a BA in Psychology from a Christian college. However, as the years go by, I see how truly indoctrinated I was by the research in secular psychology. I don’t always trust psychologists anymore, because I have been in it and trained in it. I understand the need for counseling, but I also understand the need for Biblical authority, not just man-“discovered” theories. Even children with autism (which I admit I do not know enough about) need discipline and need to understand the rules. They also need to understand that you are the parent and have the ultimate authority over them. He needs to respect you and your decisions, regardless of any issues he has. That must be worked on.
As I said, I would question what the psychologist has been telling him. Perhaps ask your other children if anything was said by her that would have made your son question your authority and the amount of privacy he has been given. If she is in fact usurping your authority, he may be very confused and not really know how to react or what direction to take.
I’ll be praying for you all. I know it can’t be easy to deal with an autistic child. I do have friends with autistic children, but one is online and another lives further away, so I don’t have that personal knowledge or experience. I pray God gives you wisdom, patience, and much grace through this.
Sara
I’m sorry, but you read this all wrong. The psychologist is a Christian, I never said that she told them anything, just that they brought up an ongoing issue with her. She suggested rewarding their good behavior (knocking on each others’ doors, not taking each others’ things without asking). This has nothing to do with her–I just mentioned that to give background for today’s discussion with the kids.
Please tell me what I said that gave the impression that she did or said anything to usurp my authority. She is just trying to suggest to the kids that they don’t take each other’s things and that they should knock instead of just barging into a room. Also, the girls wouldn’t know what she says to him. No, this doctor does not think children have equal rights.
I realize that the UNCRC is a real threat to parental rights, but we can’t assume the term “psychologist” equates undermining a parent’s authority. Some psychologists are honestly trying to help people help themselves (and their families).
I’m sorry I took it wrong. 🙁 This is the sentence that made me think it was the psychologist who brought it up: “Yesterday, they met with her and the issue of knocking on bedroom doors when closed plus respecting others’ property came up. Basically, they are tired of their brother simply taking their things into his room….and often he then takes them apart. So, today, we have been trying to work on that.” Along with this: “His very loud, very angry argument was that it’s his room, so the closet cannot be used by anyone but him.”
Those 2 together made it seem like he was getting his argument from someone other than himself because the knocking on door issue came up.
Again, sorry to read this wrong!
It sounds like your son is doing the typical autistic static thinking: same rules apply in all situations. It’s so hard for them to think dynamically, that there are times when other “rules” trump the “normal rule.” (sigh)
Is he pretty high functioning, Sue? Or where would you place him on the spectrum?
I am sorry, Sara, if I seemed to be crabby about your response. You are right about being cautious about what “professionals” say to your children. Ironically, that’s a big reason why I prefer my children to be away from the liberal agenda that is so often pushed through the public schools.
Sonya, my son is considered mildly autistic. He is high-functioning, and that is probably why people at church or extended family members often tell me, “Gee, you can’t tell there is anything wrong with him, can you?” (Side note: I no longer bother wasting time getting my feathers ruffled over the idea that something is “wrong” with him….those are only words, and I know that God made him a unique individual….God doesn’t make mistakes!)
Yep, that’s just the way he is in his thinking. Just yesterday, we were driving home along a route we don’t often travel, and we encountered a construction road closure. Ds wanted to drive through the work area instead of taking the detour. As I turned to follow the detour, he got so upset and kept insisting over and over again that they would let us drive through the closed area. He kept imploring me to turn around…..for about 5 miles straight…..even to the point of taking his shoes off and throwing them into the front seat. If you’ve never driven down a country road while dodging shoes, you simply haven’t lived.
Yes, this is a day in the life of a mom dealing with autism. He did calm down after six or seven miles and even asked for his shoes back before we got out of the car.
Sue
I know what you mean, Sue. We’re making some progress with Hannah along those rigid-thinking lines by doing some of the ideas suggested in RDI (Relationship Development Intervention). We can’t afford the full-blown consultant path, but we’re trying to incorporate what we can in everyday situations. Have you read Tammy’s blog over at Aut-2B-Home in Carolina? She has been chronicling Pamela’s progress with these issues and others, using RDI principles. Maybe you could get some ideas there too.
Shorter-term idea: Could you set up some “rules” that are clarification rules to the big one? For example, Mom will knock on the door if it is closed; clarification rule – you must answer and let her in.
Regarding the closet issue, could he earn your trust in small steps? For example, set up a calendar or chart that covers the next few weeks. Explain how he will earn your trust (and thus more privacy) by keeping his hands off other people’s things. Each day you and he will look over his room to make sure he has remembered to keep his hands on his own things, not others. If others’ things are not in his room, mark it on the calendar as a step toward the goal. Set the goal of so many days in a row. Once he has met the goal, go shopping together to get a little storage container that he can have for his own things. Clarification rule: If others’ items start disappearing again, he will need to keep your trust by showing you what is in his container. Would something like that work . . . maybe? (It’s always a guess with our autistic ones, isn’t it?)
I don’t have any experience with an autistic child but here is how I would explain it to a non-autistic one. All the kids bedrooms are in the house owned by the parents. The kids have some authority over and responsibility for their rooms. One kid cannot go into another’s without permission. But they are all in the house of and under the authority if the parents. Maybe even draw a pyramid or venn diagram to show this structure? As far as taking things into his room or doing things there that he shouldn’t, I think it is a matter of if you are faithful in a little, more will be given to you. So maybe try giving him very small areas of responsbilbity again and then building up from there? And making sure that he knows thta if he takes things he shouldn’t, that everything will go backwards again till he can be trusted.
These are good ideas, thank you. We really have to get the hiding and disassembling of others’ things under control.
One thing I think I should clarify: the discussion of knocking on closed doors wasn’t directed at me, but at the siblings. They wanted to make sure they would respect each other’s privacy. Mom already knocks on their doors, with the exception of days when I go into their rooms to wake them up early. I just can’t give up the sneaking in and singing in their ears or tickling a face with a feather or blowing ‘raspberries’ (my son’s favorite–a guy thing, I guess!) to wake them up! And they have never asked me to stop doing that, either.
Sue
What a sweet routine, Sue! I’m glad your son likes physical touch. Hannah startles and pulls away most of the time.
That’s one thing I’ve always been grateful for, he does not always mind physical touch. It’s off and on with him, and his hugs are usually abrupt and a little wooden. When he was a toddler (before autism was diagnosed), we just got used to the way he did things. I started something with him (not consciously, it just happened) that I think has helped. Every morning, I would say to him, “Where’s my morning huggy and kissy?” And he would come over and give a quick hug followed by a quick kiss. The movements had to be the same–in the same order and with his head always over to the same side. It just became part of our routine. (And I can still get him to do it most of the time even though he’s 11.)
Lately, though, he has decided that a hug means you lower your head and lean the top of it against my waist, then he puts his arms around as far as they go…..we’ve nicknamed it the “head hug,” and I think he just finds it amusing. It’s alright with me, as long as he hugs!
Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
- The topic ‘Personal space vs. shared space’ is closed to new replies.