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OT: teens sharing a bedroom
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Looking for advice and wise counsel about my two oldest sons sharing a bedroom…they are almost 16 and almost 14, and have shared a bedroom for a little over 6 years, since my youngest ds was born. We have a 3 bedroom house, so unless we get creative with the family room in the basement and turn it into a bedroom, someone has to share! The problem is that the oldest two, who have always been very close, are starting to show signs of needing more space. They fight, both physically and verbally, far more than they ever have, and find ways to torment each other. For example, last night, the younger son refused to turn off his light because he wanted to read, so the older son took his book and hid it, and the younger son kept the light on anyway until well after 2 in the morning, repeatedly asking for his book back. They both woke up (with a lot of help from me!) this morning feeling cranky and unforgiving. I spoke to each of them individually but they are intent on keeping their petty argument going.
On the one hand, I see that sharing the room would force them to work out difficulties and humble themselves and seek reconciliation, and that giving them their own rooms is giving them a “way out” that bypasses that process. But my oldest plans to go to community college after he graduates, so he will be at home for at least 4 more years and I do think it is a lot to expect an 18 and 20 year old to share a room!
As for the basement playroom/family room, it is my youngest son’s school room and playroom, so the thought occurred to me that it might make the most sense to turn that into his bedroom (the bed could be positioned in a corner of the room that can be curtained off from the rest of the room during the day) but since he is only 6 years old, this feels weird to me, to send him into the “basement” while the rest of us are asleep on the 3rd floor!
What would you do?
Would the two older ones be open to sharing if their space were much larger and the sleeping spaces better separated? Would it be possible to turn the basement into a larger, cooler, older boys suit, so to speak, with sectioned off areas for their beds? Then one of the upstairs rooms could become the 6 year old’s play/school room?
Just a thought.
-Miranda
It’s hard, I know. I have 4 dc – 3 boys. We only have 3 bedrooms, too. The older 2 boys have pretty much always shared other than maybe the first yr because we also had exchange students of HS age, so they had the other bedroom. The youngest 2 shared until recently because it was really getting to be time for dd to have her own room. (That space is big enough we could have sectioned it off but there wouldn’t have been a window on his side. While not a biggie, it’s still something they need for ventilation. Anyway, I digress.) We now have all 3 boys in one room. ACK! Currently, they are 18, 16, and 10. If my oldest ds stays here, which he probably will, they will still have to share. The issues we deal w/ are most w/ the 2nd and 3rd ds, but the 1rst does add his own “thing” at times.
If they went to college they would have to share a room, so there still wouldn’t be any privacy. Issues would have to be dealt w/ in that situation, too. And, who knows what dynamics would be there. At least this way, they already know each other – and they’re family. If I remember, I think my boys went through a spell about that age of really getting on each other’s nerves. It has improved – some.
LOL If I had the space/money to do something different, then maybe, but it’s not going to be a reality here. And, honestly, I think I would rather them deal w/ each other than get into situations w/ roommates like I had at college.
Think of it another way – they really aren’t even going to be “home” for that much longer. We’re getting to that part of the parenting where they’re going to be leaving, much sooner than later.
One idea I had was to have the younger 2 boys share a room, giving the oldest his own room. But, I don’t know what the dynamics would be w/ that set-up. My other thought as I was typing here was to do what Miranda suggested. The boys’ suite would be more like they might do as young adults sharing an apt or other space.
K
We have 4 boys in one room. They’ve always shared and always will. Right now they are 13, 13, 10, and 7. We have lots of other space in the house for them to be alone, have quiet time, play, study, read, whatever. Bedrooms are for sleeping in, not playing/studying in. Dad reads a bedtime story every night to all of them and then it’s lights out. No reading in bed, no electronic devices. One son has a nightlight with a 20-minute timer. We do let them talk for a bit, but ask them to quiet down after 20 minutes or so. They need their sleep!
We have a 16yo sharing with a 14yo. They, too, have had their issues. I like them together because I think it offers some accountability. I do not like them together because I think it heightens the competition between them. However, for now it is what it is so we wrote up a list. They each wrote down two things they would like the other to do and two things they would like the other to stop doing. I had to put a limit on it or it would have gone on and on. We called it “Learning to be Roommates” and figured it was good training for later on as well. They both signed it and one takes it much more seriously than the other, but I have seen some improvement.
Blessings,
Cindy
My inlaws had 4 kids (currently 50, 48, 44, 39girl), 3 boys. The 1 girl always had her own room. 2 boys would share and 1 had his own room. Each year, they had the boys switch who got his own room. It worked well for them. They had very little stuff so it was simply a matter of moving their few clothes and belongings. They didn’t move furniture. That might be one idea.
In your situation, were I to make a change, it would be to turn the basement into a room for the older boys. I wouldn’t want my youngest that far away and the olders could have more room for each of them. You could even have some sort of divider so it would be like two rooms.
We have plenty of rooms, but still our kids share. The boys 4 and 10 share and the girls 6 and 13 share. It works, even if they have an occasional issue. They learn a lot from being together, too. DD13 would like her own room and we offered our guest room that has its own bath. She said no because it’s downstairs on the other side of the house.
I hope you find what’s best in your situation.
Perfect timing on this post. We are also getting to a point of figuring out rooms. Our house is a rambler 3 bedrooms upstairs and 2 down. Mom and dad’s is down with a master suite. The other downstiars room is small and has always been a nursery per say. But now my 3 yr old is not a baby and if my dh has anything to say we are done with babies (little tears here
). We have 7 kids. So right now the oldest 15 and the 7 yr old share, the 14 and 10 yr old share (those were all 4 boys) and the 12 yr old (boy) and 5 yr old (girl) share, the 3 yr old is still alone downstairs as we’re potting training through the night. Now that the 3 yr old is almost asleep all night it has been going through my mind what to do?
I know that the girls will share a room that’s obvious. The boys though? Do we do 3 in a room, which is doable and do what with the other bedroom? I liked the rotate rooms idea, but I have 2 boys who would have a very very hard time adjusting back to having to share. I also like the idea of sharing for all the reasons mentioned.
AM- so sorry to share my room issues. If I were you i’d keep them sharing I have found so much benefit from it for my kids, that’s why it’s not as easy as when some say ‘just put the oldest down there’. Why do they always have to get everything I think?? I was an only child and I still have a hard time sharing sometimes and I believe it is part of never ‘having’ to. Good luck I will pray you will find a outcome that will work for everyone.
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for all the great info and suggestions. Last night was much better, and everyone got along! This is usually the case, but on those occasions when they don’t get along, I start to panic and think I need to “do something”, when it really does seem to be a heart issue–for them and for me. I grew up with my own room, and didn’t really know any kids who had to share a room, and sometimes I feel (can I admit it?) a bit guilty that we don’t have a house where everyone can have their own bedroom. But that is my issue–they have rarely complained, and last night when I suggested making the basement into a bedroom for one or both of them, they balked at the idea. And the six year old was horrified–he said there was no way he wanted to sleep in the “creepy” basement (even though it is a completely finished, above ground room). So, I guess for now, we are not going to change locations but are going to work on showing mutual respect, forgiveness, and grace! I really appreciated what kerby said, that if they went to college they would have roommates anyway…that is a good point! And also CindyS’s suggestion about a roommate agreement…we may just do that! Thanks again!
I’m glad it all worked out well for you. As I was growing up I had both situations at times. I had years where I had my own room and many years when I had to share a room, and even a bed, with my sister. Being part of a missionary family, I also had MANY times for weeks to months on end that ALL five members of the family shared one room and sometimes one big foam in a camper! : ). We did what was necessary, despite issues that came up, and it only helped me in the long run. Don’t feel guilty! Depending on how it is all handled, sharing space is good for them and helps prepare them for all sorts of “real life” coming up in the future!
Blessings!
Miranda
For the reading issue, my son has a head lamp! Better than a book light! FYI! 🙂 Glad it is working out! My sons are 11 and 9, and I love having them in the same room. They have quality time together w/ telling stories and reading! I hope they can continue for some time..we too have an extra room, guest room, that can be used later on if need be!
Glad everything is working out.
When I was growing up any disagreements regarding roommates always had my dad reminding us that he shared a BED with his brother his whole life. And went from there to being married. So he never had his own bed! I guess someone always has it worse than you, LOL.In our house, the bedrooms are the personal space. So that may be a different dynamic than some households. My older girls are 16 months apart. They shared a room but it did get to the point where it was better for them to be in separate rooms to give them time to mature. They then went back to sharing a room and it was much better. But I am very glad we gave them the space apart for that year or so. Keeping the relationship intact is really important to us and sometimes that means giving some space.
Although I would love to have bedrooms as personal space, we are crowded. Twelve people, four bedrooms (Five technically but one is too small and irregular to be anything but a baby room). So nine kids in three bedrooms. They’ve had to learn to share, make allowances, be considerate, etc. because there’s no other option. We do use small bright reading lights for reading, require basic tidiness, etc. It works.
LOL 
). 
When I was growing up any disagreements regarding roommates always had my dad reminding us that he shared a BED with his brother his whole life. And went from there to being married. So he never had his own bed! I guess someone always has it worse than you, LOL.
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