OT: Refusing a meal

I agree potpourri! I feel bad that we are picky! I was somewhat picky as a child but grew out of it. And dh was waaay pickier than I was, and he grew out of it..there are some things we still don’t like too!

My ds has sensory issues. And when forced to eat food he didn’t like..such as texture..he also wanted hot instead of cold…he would literally gag and had vomited once! So yes I did and still do cater to him. It was a constant battle! We did taking away until next time. We thought if he was hungry he would eat that food, nope! He has gotten much much better over the yrs, he is 10 now. But still prefers raw veggies instead of cooked. Good for him! He has gotten over the temp thing..but still does not like mixed foods or some textures.

I saw that it was really putting stress on our relationship. And I was not going to battle over food anymore! It is terrible to witness! It took a while to just let go and let him eat what he liked. He eats a wide range of healthy foods. Just another opinion. I do agree that we are spoiled though. But, I choose my battles!

@Bookworm and others – I would never feed my child a food that would intentionally make him sick, nor did I state anyone should do so. I simply made the point that the majority of picky eating is a result of how we cater to our children’s and our own taste buds. I stand by that fact. Where there is plenty, there is pickiness. Where there is want, pickiness most often disappears. I was speaking about people without specific difficulties like allergies or specific problems dealing with food. I thought I was fairly clear on that fact, but if I wasn’t, my apologies on that point. 

@potpourri – re the “hot-button” issues as you call them, you are quick to take offense when others hold strong opinions that differ from yours. I will not apologize for my opinion as it is borne out of my experience same as yours. You don’t like my opinion, fine. Ignore it. It matters not to me.   

“I understand the thinking behind “Well, starving kids in Haiti will eat it, so you should, too”…. but honestly? We DON’T live in Haiti, we do have options, praise God we do not have that eat or die mentality, so we can’t expect our children to to meet those same expectations. It’s just wrong to even begin to expect to, and truthfully, is not a pattern of thinking any parent should be using.”

I doubt seriously that you could travel to a place like Haiti and Africa, and watch children dying of malnourishment and come away and make such a statement. It’s not wrong to expect my children (who have no allergies or problems with eating) to eat what is served them at all times. What’s wrong is to assume that because we live in the land of plenty, we get to be so particular as to turn our noses up at something based on nothing more than a dislike. Be thankful that you live in the land of plenty, make healthy choices for your family, but be honest when what you see is not a sensitivity or food issue, but simply poor manners. 

“Picky eaters have been around since the beginning of time, I’m sure. Let’s face it, we all have foods we don’t like, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Why is it okay for you, an adult to say, “I don’t like cauliflower, so I’m not going to buy it, or eat it,”, yet so horrible for a child to have a food (or foods) that they don’t like? It’s hypocritical, honestly.”

I’m sure they have, but that doesn’t make it ok. Many things have been around since the beginning of time, but that’s a terrible argument. Why do I get to expect my kids to try things that I serve them? Because i’m their mother whom God has given the authority and responsibility to raise them to the best of my ability and that includes teaching them to do what’s hard or unpopular, how to weather life’s variety of storms, and yes, how to eat things they don’t particularly care for. Of course I have preferences like everyone else. I don’t care for cabbage, but I’ll eat it. I don’t care for liver, but I’ve eaten it. The only thing I will flat out refuse is beets and that’s because they make me vomit. I have one daughter who HATED corn, but after having a small no thank-you bite every time it was served for a while it became a favorite. I have one son for whom tomato pieces (stewed, sun dried, cut up chunks) makes him gag and vomit. It isn’t a sensitivity as he’s fine with pureed tomato. I simply chop his up super fine or occasionally let him skip it as it’s the only thing he dislikes. If however, we were served it at another’s home, then I would chop it up fine and expect him to eat a little bit. Pickiness is not an excuse for rudeness. 

And you make another mistake when you assume that “perfect” mothers like me who have such expectations of their children “take feeding their child for granted, it’s such a simple thing – you nurse them or you give them a bottle, you spoon some food into their mouths, they feed themselves. They have NO idea what it can be like.”  I had one son with severe reflux as an infant who could projectile vomit like you wouldn’t believe. Everyone has different experiences which color their perspective, but it’s a stretch to make an assumption like this. 

Most of us don’t know one another and how we feed our families is of no consequence to each other.  The point was to share our experience with the OP re. handling picky eating (in what I assumed from the OP was a child without special dietary or health needs). I did that. 

Christie, I’m so sorry you felt like I was disagreeing or arguing with you.  I actually wasn’t at all.  Just sort of randomly sharing my very weird experiences, and how I used to feel like telling moms what they “ought” to do, but now I don’t, because I know that there are some children with very unusual things going on that are outside the norm.  NORMALLY I would feel the same—kid either eats the food, or doesn’t.  Except we had some weird stuff.  Plus now I’m a vegan and they aren’t.  (They are too old for me to make that decision for them.)  So *I* don’t eat everything I put on the table!  So we put out a bunch of stuff and people eat what they eat and I don’t worry about it.  Teens are a different ballgame I think.  Actually, one thing I did find over time was that if I wasn’t pushing them or arguing with them or forcing them, then over time they tried more and more stuff–we kept enjoying things so much–and oldest one eats everything (but bread) and next one eats everything (but corn) and youngest one–well, he EATS.  LOL  Actually, I agree that rudeness is not excusable, but I also think we are all responsible for what we put into our bodies, for how we feel based on that, and as *I* intend to politely decline a pork chop at a friend’s house, I don’t mind if ds 1 politely declines the bread.  I’ve spent too much time learning to listen to what my body needs to force anyone to eat something that doesn’t make them feel good.  True, this IS a situation that would only occur in the affluence that we have, but we HAVE it.  In fact, our very affluence and myriad choices are making some of us very sick.  We all need to learn to DECLINE some food, I think.  It doesn’t seem fair to me to allow myself to make a decision not to eat a hamburger at a cookout, and insist that my son eat the hamburger bun with his when it makes him gag and vomit.  I guess that was all I was trying to say, and I must have done a poor job.  I wasn’t disagreeing wiith anything you said (not something I do often, I must admit—since I’m your fan!)  🙂

Michele – I know you weren’t argumentative. I just wanted to make sure it was clear that I was not speaking to special circumstances, but just your average “Ew, it’s green, so it must be icky.” kind of picky kid.  

I understand politely refusing something that makes one ill. I do that quite often with all things gluten, but again, that’s not the issue I was speaking to. I agree that we all need to decline some food, as well. We don’t need a mondo-size slice of cake, 2 scoops of ice-cream and a giant lemonade at a birthday party. Saying no thank you to that is much different than a wrinkled nose refusing to try pasta with pesto sauce just because it’s green. 

Blessings,

Christie

As a formerly very, very picky child, I have to say that I am extremely grateful to my parents for never forcing me to eat any particular food.  The list of foods I would eat was very short, though at least it was reasonably healthy.  On my own timeline, I grew to be an adult who will eat just about anything from any world cuisine, including the spiciest of foods, provided that it’s vegetarian (though I will eat some fish).

As a parent, I feel pretty strongly that while my job is to purchase and prepare a variety of healthy foods each day, it is the job of each of my children to decide what and how much of it actually goes into their mouths.  My kids are not required to eat any particular food at any meal.  I don’t prepare special meals, but I’ll often leave small portions of ingredients that are intended to be mixed together, unmixed.  So if I make baked burritos, I’ll leave out some plain beans, cheese, and tortillas for kids to assemble themselves if they don’t like the main dish.  (I strongly encourage them to take an “adventure bite”, but there’s no “or else”).

Leftovers are just leftovers, eaten up by my husband or put into the refrigerator.  No big deal.  When the next meal or snack time comes around, we start fresh. 

I have visited and worked and lived in a variety of countries on multiple continents, including some of the very poorest (e.g. Laos).  I have stayed with families under tin roofs, over dirt floors, eating tortillas or rice or fried bananas made by hand over a wood fire under a monsoon rain.  It has not changed my opinion that every individual has the right to decide what food enters his or her mouth. 

I hope you don’t mind if I continue to discuss this a bit.  I don’t mean any offense by it.  Again, much of what I am saying comes from the perspective of a formerly picky eater who was essentially allowed to be picky until I grew out of it, which I did by my mid-teens.  As an adult, I am now one of the most adventurous eaters I know. 

In my home, if a food or meal is refused, I don’t serve it again at the next meal. 

I have trouble getting behind the idea that a “grateful heart” is demonstrated by eating what is in front of you.  By my definition, “grateful” is a feeling, and one either feels it or one doesn’t.  While eating what is served you may be one way to express gratefulness — for the production of the food, the labor behind the meal, the employment that made it possible, God’s gifts that helped to grow it, etc — it also may be an action that is completely removed from any feeling of gratefulness.  One could choke down food in submission to authority without feeling grateful at all (in fact, possibly feeling resentment).  I even worry that one could become LESS grateful for food when said food becomes part of a power struggle — “You will eat this because I made it for you, you get nothing else until you do, and you have no REAL choice in the matter.” 

I think that there are many, many ways to teach children to be grateful.  We talk a lot about where food comes from and how it is produced, how their father works at a job all day (and many nights) so that we have money to buy what we need, how God provides us with blessings and gifts, how we work together to make our household function, etc.  We also keep a garden, much of which was started by seed this year, after lots of soil preparation, so that they can see what it takes to grow food up close.  (I am sure most CM families are doing many of these same things.) 

So … Is it a grateful *heart* that matters most, or just the outward expression of gratefulness, whether or not it is inwardly felt?  I tend to believe that the first is fundamental, and that the expression comes later.  Therefore, I would not assume that a child who eventually eats a meal (having no other food offered) actually *feels* grateful … rather, she is just figuring out what she needs to do to survive.  Don’t get me wrong … I expect my kids to be polite.  Screaming “I don’t like casserole!” is not ok.  But just saying, “No thank you” is fine, at our house.  I don’t get my feelings hurt, I don’t worry that they will grow up to be rude boorish creatures.  I just trust that eventually, with ever growing maturity, they will grow to enjoy a broader palette, and that by doing all the things we do to teach about the labor that makes our life possible, they will eventually have those truly grateful hearts that will desire to labor for the good of others as well.