OT: Refusing a meal

We’ve tried that, but they refuse it the 2nd time, and then I feel bad making them eat it when it’s old and whatnot from being reheated the third time.

Our rule is that if you don’t finish your plate, you don’t get dessert.  That seems to work most days.  We do have some daughters who will just refuse and not get dessert.  some cry, some don’t.

We don’t insist they eat the meal but this is what we do:

Serve small portions of everything. Smaller portions the younger they are. If they choose to eat everything they are welcome to seconds on what they like. If they don’t then they’re done eating, no seconds.

Once they are older we begin asking and then requiring bites. So my 5yo has to take 2 bites of everything. Older kids take more bites. But for little ones it’s just asked that they take one bite of each thing. If they don’t then it’s fine, but still no seconds unless they eat all on their plate.

Oh, and the amount on a first plate for each child is something they can easily finish and still be hungry (unless it’s a child who loves the meal and always eats it, like my oldest with most things now.

Does that all make sense?

Let me start by saying that I grew up supremely picky. The only thing green I ever ate was canned green beans and I didn’t like those very much. Also, most everything we ate was fried – fried chicken, country style steak, fried hamburgers – you name it. Now, I embrace a much more whole-foods, traditional style diet and so does my family. 

Here’s a brief true story from some friends who served as missionaries in Africa for decades. During the 70s, there was a terrible famine. Our friends were fortunate to have some porridge of sorts to share with starving Africans. They recalled one mother in particular who had two sons, both malnourished, but the younger in much worse shape. Our friends gave the mother the porridge and her young son ate like you would expect a child literally dying of hunger to eat. The older boy refused and said he didn’t like it. This continued for a length of time until the mother returned for more porridge with only her young son. When our missionary friends asked after the older boy, they were told that he had died of starvation because he refused the porridge. 

My children eat what’s served them or do without and I do not cook special meals for my kids. I make one healthy meal for the family and all are expected to eat it with a thankful heart. I’ve had one child (out of four) who chose not to eat for 2.5 days because he didn’t like what was offered. He eventually ate that same reheated meal with gusto when he was hungry enough. My dd6 is my “tries to be picky eater”. I say tries because she knows it is not allowed in our home. She would gladly eat bread, pizza, cereal or any of the less than healthiest choices at any time. Other foods, she’s not that into. However, I serve her very small portions of each item (ie. roast chicken, brocolli, rice, etc) and when she finishes that serving she may ask for more of what she prefers (within reason). She has learned to enjoy so many foods that she wouldn’t have if it weren’t required.

Like my missionary friends, I’ve traveled in third world countries and I’ve had mothers try to give me their malnourished and dying children in the hopes that I can bring them to America and save them. In America, we are spoiled, plain and simple. Call it by whatever you want, but it boils down to the fact that we are spoiled gluttons in this country used to having what we “like” instead of what we have. I do not praise my children for eating a meal. I encourage them to thank the Lord that they have a meal to eat and to thank me or whomever took the time to prepare it. Even in European countries, the picky eater problem is not nearly as ridiculous as it is here in the USA. Check out this book, French Kids Eat Everything. In the US, we make our kids picky by catering to their “likes” so often.

That said, I realize some have food sensitivities to be aware of. I, myself, eat a gluten free diet as I have an extreme sensitivity to gluten. However, were I in a third world country again and offered something made of wheat, I would most certainly eat it. My discomfort for a few hours or days would not compare to the shame I would feel at refusing a meal offered me by one who has nothing. 

OK, stepping off my soapbox.

We require a certain number of bites too, varying based on age.  Slightly O/T story here:  my youngest son is definitely our pickiest eater.  I used to have to threaten him with spanking just to get him to eat a pb&j sandwich!  He’s never liked foods like mac n cheese, either, but I used to make him eat it in small quantities.  Until I learned (blush) that he has celiac disease and dairy sensitivity.  And I used to make him eat those things!  Sigh….

I also agree with Christie’s. My sensory dd had to eat what we ate, just in smaller portions. She is now a voracious, eat-anything, try-anything young lady. If it wasn’t a facorite food, I give a smaller portion that all must be eaten adn each time we have it, I generally add more with each time we have it adn I’ve found that the majoirty fof the time, they grow to like it.

When my child wouldn’t eat, he went to bed without supper and had it for the next day as lunch – no exceptions. Of course, he was allowed breakfast, but no snack prior to lunch.

I don’t recall it ever extending beyond that as going to bed hungry was sufficiently uncomfortable.

I know that food sensitivities exist as I have one, but I doubt that more than a smidgen of picky eating comes from food sensitivities, but rather from people being slaves to their taste buds. Again, take a look around the planet; I doubt the kids I’ve seen eating mudpies in Haiti to fill their empty stomachs have the luxury of avoiding certain foods just because there might be a sensitivity. If there were food, any food, available, then they would eat it.

Again, I know there are real allergies and sensitivities, but I call it like I see it and the vast majority of this is our spoiled, gluttonous society wanting what it likes. 

I also agree with missceegee….  our kids are picky because there is plenty, and there is choice.  Places where the meals are pretty much identical every day because that is what there is aren’t picky….

But, that is the land I live in.   I also know that the professional recommendations today is to try to avoid food struggles (without catering to whims) because of the food issues my generation has because of the food struggles when we were kids.  When asked, the one professional admitted that they really don’t know if this tactic is any better – they just know that the older way caused problems….

So, the current recommendations (well, from a couple of years ago) by the Canadian Paediatric association…..

– Don’t force the child to eat (ie no “You can’t leave the table until you clean your plate”)

– Don’t keep presenting the same plate of food

– Don’t cajole your child to eat (ie no “Come on sweetie, just one bite for mommy”)

– Do try to keep meals as stress free as possible

and on the other side

– Don’t cater to the child…  no “You don’t want what I cooked?  Ok, I’ll make you some hot dogs” 

– Do make sure that the food is overall nutritious….

But as I said – they don’t know if that is truely the best – they just know that my generation had so much obesity and so many food disorders.  (That said, this current generation seems to have a lot of obesity etc…. )